Tough Day

For some reason, today has been difficult for me. I think I have just the wrong combination of lupron and estrogen that is clashing and causing me some hormonal spurts, but more significantly TW and I had a conversation about adoption/fostering which left me feeling a bit empty.

I have been adament about keeping my chin up throughout this process, but the only way I can do that is if I have a "Plan B" out there to fall back on if my next treatment fails. I have been thinking adoption is my next "Plan B", however, when discussing this with TW today, he wasn't sold. He asked if we could first exhaust all the options that he is comfortable with before moving on to the options he is less comfortable with. I always knew where he stood on adoption and particularly on fostering (not totally against it, but not totally comfortable with it), but I guess I just felt like he was coming around.

In some ways, I'm wondering if this revelation is a good thing. It almost makes me look at this FET and potentially future IVF's in a more positive light. It simply has to work. Unfortunately, I read enough infertilty blogs to know that it does not HAVE to work. It certainly could, but there are so many couples who are left empty-armed after multiple IVF/FET, Donor Egg, Donor Sperm, etc etc. I'm just so devastated that I'm being faced with a possibility of being childless.

Now, TW is very likely to be more interested in adoption if and when that becomes our only option. He's just nervous about being able to unconditionally love a child who isn't his flesh and blood. I know he would love that child, but he is concerned, so I need to be sensitive to that.

I just need to know I'll be a mother someday to someone. Why does it have to be so hard?

Weight Gain??

So all of a sudden I’ve noticed that I’m gaining a couple of pounds. This is very uncommon for me (I’m one of those girls who doesn’t pay any attention to my weight and I can stay in my size 2’s and 4’s without incident). I haven’t changed anything about the way I’m eating or living. In the month of October, I have gained 2.5 pounds. I know this may sound ridiculous, but after watching my sister gain too much weight with her baby and then have to take it off gradually, one pound per week, I’m not interested in letting mine creep up at all.

Maybe I’ve reached the point in my life where I will have to be more aware of what I’m eating. I do eat healthy and try to maintain an active and healthy lifestyle, but I haven’t been exercising strenuously since June due to my job and commute. I need to find a way to fit it in, but I just haven’t yet. I have heard people say that they gain weight with fertility treatments, but when I gained the first of the 2.5 pounds I was actually only taking birth control pills. Oh well! I’m going to start paying attention and make sure that I don’t gain any more.

My cycle is continuing to move forward slowly. I am on one estrogen patch + 10 units of lupron right now and I have my two ultrasounds next week to determine the condition of my lining. I sort of feel like my ovaries are working on building an egg or two, but I suppose with the lupron suppression, even if there was an egg, it wouldn’t be released.

November 12th is transfer day!

Lupron Headaches

...are the worst! I’ve been taking Lupron for the last 10 or so days, but once you stop taking the birth control pills, the Lupron really seems to kick in. My head hurts every day and Tylenol just doesn’t seem to cut it.

Things have been pretty boring in this cycle so far. I’m just taking pills and doing Lupron shots. I don’t start estrogen patches until Sunday, so I think I’m going to be dealing with headaches until the estrogen gets going in my body. I'm also tearing up at the drop of a hat. I can't even watch a tv show without finding myself on the brink of tears. This is so not me!

I’m heading to Vegas for a quick weekend with TW. He is at a conference there and I get to fly in and join him. We’re having dinner and going to a show tomorrow night which is very exciting. I used to plan meetings in Vegas, so I’ve been there several times, but I’ve never actually attended a show. Every other time I was there I was babysitting 150 attendees. It will be nice to be there on my own. Even better is that TW’s conference will continue on Saturday morning for ½ day, so I can just relax and walk around until he’s done. I’m actually very excited.

Since I’m just on an FET cycle I think it’s ok to have a glass of wine or two while I’m in Vegas too. My doctor doesn’t restrict alcohol completely, but I restricted myself on my fresh cycle. I can’t imagine that it would cause any problem though to drink a little while my little alcohol-free embies are safely tucked away in the freezer.