I’m going to begin a list of things fertile people should never say to someone with a history of infertility. Obviously there are the ones that everyone has seen (and there’s even a list on the Resolve website):
1. You need to relax
2. Maybe it’s not meant to be
3. Enjoy your freedom, at least you can sleep late on weekends (and variations of this)
4. You should just adopt (I think adoption is a beautiful thing, don’t get me wrong…I would adopt before trying another IVF, but it’s a personal decision that shouldn’t be suggested flippantly by others who don’t understand the difficulty)
5. Any sort of complaining about their own pregnancy (again…I totally get that pregnancy is hard, I’ve been there, so go bitch about it to your pregnant friends or friends who have had babies before, not infertile friends).
There are tons more and I will continue to add to this list as I come across them. I did want to highlight two things that I have heard recently from a fertile friend that left me stunned, flabbergasted, without words…
1. After 2 months of trying (and failing) a friend who was successfully pregnant after only 1 month with her first baby, actually told me that she thought God was testing her. (Look, I’m not the most infertile person on the planet or anything, but I tried to get pregnant for 54 cycles, then took a break and did another 26-27 cycles before getting pregnant on my FET cycle, so if God is testing you…you might have a long road ahead)
2. Same friend …who is now seeing a fertility specialist after only 3 months of trying (in her defense she lost an ovary after her last baby, and is 36, so she wants to make sure she’s not missing anything) says to me “I’ll be disappointed if I find out that I am ovulating, because if I’m not, I wouldn’t mind just popping a clomid and bam, I’m preggo next month”
Really??? I’m sure some people will tell me that I need to evaluate this friendship, but I can honestly say that these comments are not as insensitive as they sound. The person saying them is clearly self-absorbed, but also doesn’t feel that she is being offensive, because she just doesn’t get it. I talk to her frequently, our babies are close in age, so we often compare notes. I think she views me as “cured” or just doesn’t think about it at all because she doesn’t understand it. Either way, I’m adding these two comments to the list of things NOT to say to an infertile person (even an infertile person who has a successful pregnancy in her past).
About Me
- 30SomethingDINK
- I am a 30-something FORMER DINK (Double Income, No Kids) who welcomed our first child on August 1st, 2011 following many years of infertility. I am married to a wonderful (though somewhat work-a-holic) husband and daddy. This is my journal to help me stay sane through the trials of infertility, pregnancy and motherhood. We have unexplained infertility. After enduring IVF #1 failure, we miraculously became pregnant from FET #1, and we were overjoyed to welcome our little one August 1st of 2011.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
My Parenting Style
I put a lot of thought into what type of parent I wanted to be prior to having my son. I had strong opinions on some things and had much more flexible ideas about other things. Several experiences along the way influenced my parenting style and I believe it will continue to evolve for the next several years. In fact, I’m not sure I will ever firmly be able to classify myself as a proponent of any particular parenting style.
One thing that really surprised me was the amount of controversy there was out there about every decision you made about your baby. I never expected it to be as hotly debated as it is…I mean we’re all just trying to take care of a little baby right? I literally would read books that had absolutely contradictory information and they would both describe the information as the ONLY acceptable way to handle the situation.
My parenting style could only be described as a melting pot of the different styles. This sometimes puts me in a position where I am confused about how I want to approach a situation, but it also allows me to step away from rigid beliefs in order to make things work for our family and potentially avoid a great deal of unnecessary stress.
My expectations when I was pregnant:
CHILDBIRTH: I would attempt a natural childbirth…I wasn’t dedicated to absolutely doing it. My birth plan was basically just “get the baby out safely”, but I believed there was benefit in laboring naturally and wanted to give myself (and my husband) the experience.
BREASTFEEDING: I knew I wanted to breastfeed (I didn’t have a timeline, but just knew I wanted to do it). Although I had little faith in my body’s ability to get pregnant or give birth, I never doubted my body’s ability to be able to nurse. I was aware of the potential challenges and certainly never took it for granted, but deep down, I expected this to come naturally to me.
FEEDING: I wanted to demand feed.
SLEEPING: I wanted my baby to sleep in his own bed, in his own room, from the very beginning.
CIO: Sort of open to it, but as a last resort.
What actually happened…and my feelings on that decision:
1. CHILDBIRTH: I labored naturally for 37 hours and finally had a c-section…I wouldn’t change a thing.
2. BREASTFEEDING: I breastfed exclusively until 7.5 months. (by that I mean no formula, I did start cereal and avocado at 4 months and other solids at 6 months). At 7.5 months, I stopped pumping and began feeding formula, with about 10 ounces a day of breastmilk from my freezer stash (I still am doing this until the freezer stash runs out)….I wouldn’t change a thing.
3. FEEDING: I demand fed and still do…I wouldn’t change a thing.
4. SLEEPING: Baby was in our room in a pack and play until he was about 12 weeks old…I wouldn’t change a thing
5. CIO: Started it at 7 months consistently…I generally wouldn’t change a thing, but I will address sleep issues sooner with a second child. I was such a slave to the wakeups and I think I might have been able to get these under control sooner if I had handled things differently there.
My personal opinions on each of the "controversial" topics:
CHILDBIRTH: This has to be a personal decision. I don’t think anyone should feel pressured to do a full-on natural childbirth, but I think, when possible, allowing labor to begin on its own has its advantages. It is a bit annoying that so many doctors want to schedule their calendars in advance, so they schedule inductions when they aren’t at all necessary. I certainly think that since great pain relief is available, moms should feel free to partake in that as soon as they are ready for it. On the other hand, dealing with that intense physical challenge as a team definitely brought my husband and me closer and gave him a respect for my strength that he hadn’t had previously.
BREASTFEEDING: I think it should be viewed as the best food for a baby, and I think it’s a shame if people don’t at least give it a chance, but if the challenges become overwhelming or if there is some reason that it won’t work for the mom, then fine…that’s why formula is there. It shouldn’t be a source of guilt for mothers who can’t or choose not to breastfeed. The fact that breastfeeding advocates have paved the way for those of us who are interested, is wonderful. The fact that I had a place to go during work to pump, and that people are expected to understand that inconvenience, made it easy for me to continue doing it for as long as I did.
FEEDING: I had a very demanding baby…he wanted to eat every 2 hours, no exceptions. If you tried to make him wait even 5 minutes, he made everyone miserable in the process. I didn’t fight it…I fed him whenever he was hungry. Now that he’s 8 months old, he goes 3-4 hours between feedings. He often can be convinced to wait a little longer if we’re in the car or something when he gets hungry. It’s just not a big deal. I would definitely demand feed again. It’s tough in the beginning to stay on that schedule, because you feel like that’s all you’re doing, but I don’t want to always be questioning myself about whether my baby has had enough to eat.
SLEEPING: Once I brought the baby home, I realized that it would be too much work to be going back and forth between our room and the nursery which was at the other end of the house. I was never opposed really to having the baby close by, but I thought it would be a difficult adjustment to get him to sleep in his bed if he didn’t start out there. Everything ended up being fine. It was tough as he got more alert because you had to tip toe into the room to get ready for bed, but we tried to get him moved out as soon as possible once he started being a lighter sleeper like that. I can’t imagine having him in there with us now, but for those who want that, I say go for it. It’s not for me, but again I think it's a personal decision.
CIO: I was actually opposed to CIO when the baby was very little. I could not imagine letting that little one cry himself to sleep, however, things changed considerably when he got older. It became apparent that he was in a habit of waking up and having me put him back down. It was just not the same as a tiny baby. The ability for me to open my mind to a method I was previously opposed to has been very helpful in this situation. I couldn’t be happier right now with the results from letting him cry a bit and work things out on his own. I’m not sure we would have gotten to the point we are now if we wouldn’t have let him cry.
I’ve rambled on for long enough, but to wrap up here…I’m just a parent trying to give my son a loving yet structured life where he can feel safe, comfortable and he can thrive as an independent child. Whatever type of parenting you call that is the parenting style I subscribe to.
One thing that really surprised me was the amount of controversy there was out there about every decision you made about your baby. I never expected it to be as hotly debated as it is…I mean we’re all just trying to take care of a little baby right? I literally would read books that had absolutely contradictory information and they would both describe the information as the ONLY acceptable way to handle the situation.
My parenting style could only be described as a melting pot of the different styles. This sometimes puts me in a position where I am confused about how I want to approach a situation, but it also allows me to step away from rigid beliefs in order to make things work for our family and potentially avoid a great deal of unnecessary stress.
My expectations when I was pregnant:
CHILDBIRTH: I would attempt a natural childbirth…I wasn’t dedicated to absolutely doing it. My birth plan was basically just “get the baby out safely”, but I believed there was benefit in laboring naturally and wanted to give myself (and my husband) the experience.
BREASTFEEDING: I knew I wanted to breastfeed (I didn’t have a timeline, but just knew I wanted to do it). Although I had little faith in my body’s ability to get pregnant or give birth, I never doubted my body’s ability to be able to nurse. I was aware of the potential challenges and certainly never took it for granted, but deep down, I expected this to come naturally to me.
FEEDING: I wanted to demand feed.
SLEEPING: I wanted my baby to sleep in his own bed, in his own room, from the very beginning.
CIO: Sort of open to it, but as a last resort.
What actually happened…and my feelings on that decision:
1. CHILDBIRTH: I labored naturally for 37 hours and finally had a c-section…I wouldn’t change a thing.
2. BREASTFEEDING: I breastfed exclusively until 7.5 months. (by that I mean no formula, I did start cereal and avocado at 4 months and other solids at 6 months). At 7.5 months, I stopped pumping and began feeding formula, with about 10 ounces a day of breastmilk from my freezer stash (I still am doing this until the freezer stash runs out)….I wouldn’t change a thing.
3. FEEDING: I demand fed and still do…I wouldn’t change a thing.
4. SLEEPING: Baby was in our room in a pack and play until he was about 12 weeks old…I wouldn’t change a thing
5. CIO: Started it at 7 months consistently…I generally wouldn’t change a thing, but I will address sleep issues sooner with a second child. I was such a slave to the wakeups and I think I might have been able to get these under control sooner if I had handled things differently there.
My personal opinions on each of the "controversial" topics:
CHILDBIRTH: This has to be a personal decision. I don’t think anyone should feel pressured to do a full-on natural childbirth, but I think, when possible, allowing labor to begin on its own has its advantages. It is a bit annoying that so many doctors want to schedule their calendars in advance, so they schedule inductions when they aren’t at all necessary. I certainly think that since great pain relief is available, moms should feel free to partake in that as soon as they are ready for it. On the other hand, dealing with that intense physical challenge as a team definitely brought my husband and me closer and gave him a respect for my strength that he hadn’t had previously.
BREASTFEEDING: I think it should be viewed as the best food for a baby, and I think it’s a shame if people don’t at least give it a chance, but if the challenges become overwhelming or if there is some reason that it won’t work for the mom, then fine…that’s why formula is there. It shouldn’t be a source of guilt for mothers who can’t or choose not to breastfeed. The fact that breastfeeding advocates have paved the way for those of us who are interested, is wonderful. The fact that I had a place to go during work to pump, and that people are expected to understand that inconvenience, made it easy for me to continue doing it for as long as I did.
FEEDING: I had a very demanding baby…he wanted to eat every 2 hours, no exceptions. If you tried to make him wait even 5 minutes, he made everyone miserable in the process. I didn’t fight it…I fed him whenever he was hungry. Now that he’s 8 months old, he goes 3-4 hours between feedings. He often can be convinced to wait a little longer if we’re in the car or something when he gets hungry. It’s just not a big deal. I would definitely demand feed again. It’s tough in the beginning to stay on that schedule, because you feel like that’s all you’re doing, but I don’t want to always be questioning myself about whether my baby has had enough to eat.
SLEEPING: Once I brought the baby home, I realized that it would be too much work to be going back and forth between our room and the nursery which was at the other end of the house. I was never opposed really to having the baby close by, but I thought it would be a difficult adjustment to get him to sleep in his bed if he didn’t start out there. Everything ended up being fine. It was tough as he got more alert because you had to tip toe into the room to get ready for bed, but we tried to get him moved out as soon as possible once he started being a lighter sleeper like that. I can’t imagine having him in there with us now, but for those who want that, I say go for it. It’s not for me, but again I think it's a personal decision.
CIO: I was actually opposed to CIO when the baby was very little. I could not imagine letting that little one cry himself to sleep, however, things changed considerably when he got older. It became apparent that he was in a habit of waking up and having me put him back down. It was just not the same as a tiny baby. The ability for me to open my mind to a method I was previously opposed to has been very helpful in this situation. I couldn’t be happier right now with the results from letting him cry a bit and work things out on his own. I’m not sure we would have gotten to the point we are now if we wouldn’t have let him cry.
I’ve rambled on for long enough, but to wrap up here…I’m just a parent trying to give my son a loving yet structured life where he can feel safe, comfortable and he can thrive as an independent child. Whatever type of parenting you call that is the parenting style I subscribe to.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
The Plan
I officially am rejoining the ranks of ”infertiles trying to conceive”. I am afraid, in some ways, to begin this journey because the last 8 months have been bliss. I have not been concerned with my ovulation date, my period date, my two week wait, nothing. I’ve casually sipped on a glass of wine whenever I wanted it without giving a thought to a potentially growing bean in my tummy. The process of fertility treatments is an all-consuming one that few people understand if they haven’t been through it.
So now I begin this all-consuming process again. I am trying to cut my caffeine consumption drastically…this shouldn’t be too difficult since I was still very careful with caffeine when I was breastfeeding only a few short weeks ago. I am carefully monitoring my vitamin supplements to ensure that I am getting everything I need. I am paying attention to where I am in my cycle to obsessively monitor my underwear with every trip to the bathroom in order to gather some clues as to my ovulation status. Oh and believe it or not…that long ago forgotten feeling…libido? It has kinda sorta returned. I think this is largely due to hormones, because now that I’ve stopped breastfeeding, I have a lot more interest.
So today I am entering my first “fertile window” since before my last IVF. I am scheduled to ovulate about 3 days from now. I have no idea why I have hopes for becoming pregnant naturally but I do. I know the likelihood of us needing assistance is strong, so I am not going to wait around for this to happen on its own, but we have a mandatory one cycle wait before we can do anything with the fertility specialist, and there is no official reason that I shouldn’t be able to get pregnant on my own, so I’m going to try and I’m going to keep my hopes high.
Here’s the plan:
This month:
Try naturally. The fertility specialist would like to give my body a month to get everything back up to speed and also to see what happens with the first cycle. He wants to see how long it lasts, how things go and kind of do a very low tech determination if I’m probably ovulating on my own or not.
Next month:
- I have an order in my purse for several lab tests that will be done on cycle day 2/3 next time. Just the standard stuff plus a few new tests they’ve come up with since my last time around. Many of these can be drawn on any day of the cycle, but for simplicity, they’ll draw them all at once on that day.
- TW will also have his swimmers tested (they always test ridiculously well, so I’m not too worried about that).
- We will do a “follicle growth series” where I will be monitored by ultrasound in the days leading up to my ovulation to determine if the ovulation is going well.
- Scheduled insemination for the appropriate time.
This cycle will be unmedicated. Normally I might not want to waste time with that, but my insurance pays 100% for 6 IUI’s before paying a dime for IVF. (We are sooo very blessed to have insurance coverage for infertility…I remind myself of this every single time I get frustrated with my job or the process.) We actually really don’t want to do IVF this time around, but with 6 free IUI’s we are fine with doing a month unmedicated.
Following months:
Medicated IUI’s – In my opinion, we should do all 6 that my insurance wants us to do prior to IVF. If they all fail, TW and I will have to discuss how far we are willing to go. I personally feel pretty confident that we can get pregnant with 6 IUI’s, but I think if you don’t get pregnant within the first 3 your chances decrease (because obviously whatever is wrong with you is not getting resolved with the medication and process). I’m very hopeful that my body is now an “old pro” at getting pregnant and that my hormones might be perfectly balanced for supporting a pregnancy right now.
I’m excited. I actually don’t enjoy the state of pregnancy physically. I, of course, loved the idea that I was nurturing human life in my womb…who doesn’t love that who comes from a background of infertility? The condition itself though…not a fan. I had a pretty textbook pregnancy, nothing too difficult, but a lot of common discomforts, so I am a little nervous, but I am ready for the challenge.
So now I begin this all-consuming process again. I am trying to cut my caffeine consumption drastically…this shouldn’t be too difficult since I was still very careful with caffeine when I was breastfeeding only a few short weeks ago. I am carefully monitoring my vitamin supplements to ensure that I am getting everything I need. I am paying attention to where I am in my cycle to obsessively monitor my underwear with every trip to the bathroom in order to gather some clues as to my ovulation status. Oh and believe it or not…that long ago forgotten feeling…libido? It has kinda sorta returned. I think this is largely due to hormones, because now that I’ve stopped breastfeeding, I have a lot more interest.
So today I am entering my first “fertile window” since before my last IVF. I am scheduled to ovulate about 3 days from now. I have no idea why I have hopes for becoming pregnant naturally but I do. I know the likelihood of us needing assistance is strong, so I am not going to wait around for this to happen on its own, but we have a mandatory one cycle wait before we can do anything with the fertility specialist, and there is no official reason that I shouldn’t be able to get pregnant on my own, so I’m going to try and I’m going to keep my hopes high.
Here’s the plan:
This month:
Try naturally. The fertility specialist would like to give my body a month to get everything back up to speed and also to see what happens with the first cycle. He wants to see how long it lasts, how things go and kind of do a very low tech determination if I’m probably ovulating on my own or not.
Next month:
- I have an order in my purse for several lab tests that will be done on cycle day 2/3 next time. Just the standard stuff plus a few new tests they’ve come up with since my last time around. Many of these can be drawn on any day of the cycle, but for simplicity, they’ll draw them all at once on that day.
- TW will also have his swimmers tested (they always test ridiculously well, so I’m not too worried about that).
- We will do a “follicle growth series” where I will be monitored by ultrasound in the days leading up to my ovulation to determine if the ovulation is going well.
- Scheduled insemination for the appropriate time.
This cycle will be unmedicated. Normally I might not want to waste time with that, but my insurance pays 100% for 6 IUI’s before paying a dime for IVF. (We are sooo very blessed to have insurance coverage for infertility…I remind myself of this every single time I get frustrated with my job or the process.) We actually really don’t want to do IVF this time around, but with 6 free IUI’s we are fine with doing a month unmedicated.
Following months:
Medicated IUI’s – In my opinion, we should do all 6 that my insurance wants us to do prior to IVF. If they all fail, TW and I will have to discuss how far we are willing to go. I personally feel pretty confident that we can get pregnant with 6 IUI’s, but I think if you don’t get pregnant within the first 3 your chances decrease (because obviously whatever is wrong with you is not getting resolved with the medication and process). I’m very hopeful that my body is now an “old pro” at getting pregnant and that my hormones might be perfectly balanced for supporting a pregnancy right now.
I’m excited. I actually don’t enjoy the state of pregnancy physically. I, of course, loved the idea that I was nurturing human life in my womb…who doesn’t love that who comes from a background of infertility? The condition itself though…not a fan. I had a pretty textbook pregnancy, nothing too difficult, but a lot of common discomforts, so I am a little nervous, but I am ready for the challenge.
Monday, April 9, 2012
More Sleep Trouble
Probably as a punishment for writing about my “successful” sleep training experience, we’ve been struck with sleep troubles the last four days. Following a full week of perfect sleeping through the night, on Friday morning I woke up at 4am to a very unhappy baby crying. Now he has been struggling with a brutal cold the last several days, and I was actually stunned that he had done so well sleeping, so I wasn’t totally surprised that he was up, but it is frustrating that we had not had much time to practice the great habits we had just re-learned. Here’s how it went down... On Friday when he woke up, he was so stuffy he could barely breathe through his nose, and he was coughing so much that he couldn’t relax. I felt bad for him, so when replacing his paci and rolling him over like usual didn’t work, I went ahead and got him up. I was getting ready for work and he was just chattering away, but at about 5:00 he was looking pretty tired, so I put him back in bed (by the time I got him to his room he was nearly asleep in my arms), and he slept until 6:15.
Both Saturday and Sunday mornings had similar problems…up at 4ish and not able to get back to sleep for an hour or so. This morning, I was really hoping to try to break this cycle, so when he woke up, I tried really hard just to get him back to sleep. He sounded much better than the previous three mornings (he seemed able to breathe through his nose much better), and I was successful after only about 30 minutes of rocking, but he woke up again at about 5:10 which is a full hour before he should be getting up.
I am kind of at a loss. I think we’re going to have to CIO again after he recovers. I am incredibly hopeful that once his cold/cough/ear infection all clear, he will automatically begin sleeping better again, but in the past that has not been my experience with our sleep challenged little bundle.
On an unrelated note…my period returned (2 weeks and 2 days after my last pump session)! And we had a meeting with the fertility specialist! More on all that later.
Both Saturday and Sunday mornings had similar problems…up at 4ish and not able to get back to sleep for an hour or so. This morning, I was really hoping to try to break this cycle, so when he woke up, I tried really hard just to get him back to sleep. He sounded much better than the previous three mornings (he seemed able to breathe through his nose much better), and I was successful after only about 30 minutes of rocking, but he woke up again at about 5:10 which is a full hour before he should be getting up.
I am kind of at a loss. I think we’re going to have to CIO again after he recovers. I am incredibly hopeful that once his cold/cough/ear infection all clear, he will automatically begin sleeping better again, but in the past that has not been my experience with our sleep challenged little bundle.
On an unrelated note…my period returned (2 weeks and 2 days after my last pump session)! And we had a meeting with the fertility specialist! More on all that later.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
STTN Part II
We are still experiencing difficulties with sleep, so this is not a cure-all. I can say that things have dramatically improved, but we are not yet done “sleep training” or maybe I should call it “nighttime parenting” as a reminder that babies aren’t robots that methodically lay down at a certain time each night for their recharge and don’t budge til morning. With all that being said, I will describe what has happened over the last several weeks and what has been working, and certainly improving our situation.
The very first night of CIO, I went ahead with the bedtime routine as we had done before. I made sure he had a full tummy by giving him his bottle in his highchair before changing into pj’s. After book and rocking (until I saw long blinks), I placed him in his crib, kissed him goodnight and left the room. He then cried for 22 minutes. When I say he cried, I mean he screamed. A very angry, upsetting cry. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity (yet was only 22 min), he settled down and went to sleep. When he woke in the middle of the night I went to him like normal, soothed him back to sleep. He woke twice the first night. The next morning, he was the same happy kid I knew before I made him cry.
The second night, I did everything the same, but he only cried for 13 minutes. The third night, he only cried for 1 minute. After that, each night he has either cried for no time at all or for a short time (less than 2 minutes). Unfortunately, each night he was still waking up twice, despite all the books saying that allowing him to CIO at bedtime will help him learn to self-soothe, I think our little one had such a strong habit of waking at those times in the night that it couldn’t be solved without further intervention. I knew we would have to embark on CIO for middle of the night wakings.
I actually did CIO for a middle of the night waking the first time out of frustration (which is something I’m trying to avoid as a parent…doing anything out of frustration, but I failed on this occasion). I had gone to him in the middle of the night (around 4am) to soothe him back to sleep. I got him asleep in my arms and went to put him into the crib and he started crying (the angry cry). I picked him back up and soothed him until he was asleep again and tried to put him in the crib…once again, he started crying the angry cry. I repeated this until the 4th time I put him in the crib, I had reached my limit. I decided right now we will cry it out for a MOTN (middle of the night) waking. Well, he cried/fussed/got quiet/cried again/etc for 45+ minutes. It was difficult, but I didn’t go to him (still not as hard as the angry cry at bedtime). Finally, he soothed himself back to sleep. When I woke him up for the day about an hour later, he was (again) that happy baby that I knew. He didn’t seem frustrated, distant, less loving or anything…he seemed just like the boy I knew before CIO.
After that impromptu CIO for MOTN waking, he seemed to kind of “get it”. The majority of MOTN wakings since then have required only a paci replacement and a roll onto his side. I have gotten to the point where I will let him work it out for a while before I go to him, but I also want to avoid him getting too wound up and increasing the crying time (because he’s no longer sleepy enough to accept a paci replacement and a roll onto his side). I would estimate that for several weeks, 50% of the time, I didn’t have to get out of bed at all, because he was learning to find his paci and roll onto his side himself. 50% of the time I still had to go to him and help him get in position. Even at this point, I rarely had to actually pick him up out of the crib.
We have had several hiccups along the way. Most notably was a recent bout with a high fever and lots of miserable, seemingly painful screaming which (of course) we attended to. However, once he recovered (after about 3 days) we had to basically CIO at bedtime all over again. The first night was very long 38 minutes plus a MOTN wake up that required an almost 2 hour CIO session. It wasn’t all crying of course, I never could have made it that long, but he would get very quiet, maybe even fall asleep for a few minutes, then wake again, fuss, toss and turn, then cry, then get quiet again, etc. The second night was 17 min, third night was 8 min, 4th night was no crying at all.
I don’t know if all babies have a tendency to fall back into bad habits easily or if it is just that we had created such a needy baby from coddling him so much for so long. I am hopeful that as we get more CIO time under our belt, his “re-training” won’t take as long.
After this most recent round of re-training, we are having a lot of STTN success. In the last 2 weeks, I have probably only had to get out of bed to assist him 2-3 times (and those times were quick, I didn’t even remove him from the crib). He will wake up and fuss a little, but he has been able to work things out on his own.
I am extremely pleased with the progress. It has been very hard, and at times has made me wonder if I’m doing the right thing (like during the 2 hour CIO in the MOTN). Most of the time though I feel like I AM doing the right thing. I am enabling him to get the sleep that he desperately needs. Nothing is easy about this method. I personally think it’s probably best to try other methods before resorting to this (but I am not trying to make judgments about other people’s parenting decisions on this topic. You have to do what you feel is best for your situation). The best part about this method is you do see improvement quickly. I am a believer, but I’m not sure I would do this any sooner with a second child. I needed to feel confident that my baby didn’t require a MOTN feeding. I also needed to feel confident that he was ready for this sort of training. I also needed to know that his wake-ups were excessive and not likely necessary. None of these things would have been so clear if I had done this earlier.
There it is...my CIO experience. I'm quite sure we aren't done yet. I know there will be many other nights of exceptions, leading to more re-training. There will be illnesses, breaks in routine, travel, etc that will all potentially cause the need for retraining. In fact, I've heard from parents of "sleep-challenged" babies that they have fought this through the toddler years as well. I have also heard the opposite though, that the consistency of this and the ability to self soothe created an environment that allowed children to "cure" their sleep challenges. I'm hoping for the latter, but sort of assuming we will continue to have challenges. At least now we have a game plan.
The very first night of CIO, I went ahead with the bedtime routine as we had done before. I made sure he had a full tummy by giving him his bottle in his highchair before changing into pj’s. After book and rocking (until I saw long blinks), I placed him in his crib, kissed him goodnight and left the room. He then cried for 22 minutes. When I say he cried, I mean he screamed. A very angry, upsetting cry. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity (yet was only 22 min), he settled down and went to sleep. When he woke in the middle of the night I went to him like normal, soothed him back to sleep. He woke twice the first night. The next morning, he was the same happy kid I knew before I made him cry.
The second night, I did everything the same, but he only cried for 13 minutes. The third night, he only cried for 1 minute. After that, each night he has either cried for no time at all or for a short time (less than 2 minutes). Unfortunately, each night he was still waking up twice, despite all the books saying that allowing him to CIO at bedtime will help him learn to self-soothe, I think our little one had such a strong habit of waking at those times in the night that it couldn’t be solved without further intervention. I knew we would have to embark on CIO for middle of the night wakings.
I actually did CIO for a middle of the night waking the first time out of frustration (which is something I’m trying to avoid as a parent…doing anything out of frustration, but I failed on this occasion). I had gone to him in the middle of the night (around 4am) to soothe him back to sleep. I got him asleep in my arms and went to put him into the crib and he started crying (the angry cry). I picked him back up and soothed him until he was asleep again and tried to put him in the crib…once again, he started crying the angry cry. I repeated this until the 4th time I put him in the crib, I had reached my limit. I decided right now we will cry it out for a MOTN (middle of the night) waking. Well, he cried/fussed/got quiet/cried again/etc for 45+ minutes. It was difficult, but I didn’t go to him (still not as hard as the angry cry at bedtime). Finally, he soothed himself back to sleep. When I woke him up for the day about an hour later, he was (again) that happy baby that I knew. He didn’t seem frustrated, distant, less loving or anything…he seemed just like the boy I knew before CIO.
After that impromptu CIO for MOTN waking, he seemed to kind of “get it”. The majority of MOTN wakings since then have required only a paci replacement and a roll onto his side. I have gotten to the point where I will let him work it out for a while before I go to him, but I also want to avoid him getting too wound up and increasing the crying time (because he’s no longer sleepy enough to accept a paci replacement and a roll onto his side). I would estimate that for several weeks, 50% of the time, I didn’t have to get out of bed at all, because he was learning to find his paci and roll onto his side himself. 50% of the time I still had to go to him and help him get in position. Even at this point, I rarely had to actually pick him up out of the crib.
We have had several hiccups along the way. Most notably was a recent bout with a high fever and lots of miserable, seemingly painful screaming which (of course) we attended to. However, once he recovered (after about 3 days) we had to basically CIO at bedtime all over again. The first night was very long 38 minutes plus a MOTN wake up that required an almost 2 hour CIO session. It wasn’t all crying of course, I never could have made it that long, but he would get very quiet, maybe even fall asleep for a few minutes, then wake again, fuss, toss and turn, then cry, then get quiet again, etc. The second night was 17 min, third night was 8 min, 4th night was no crying at all.
I don’t know if all babies have a tendency to fall back into bad habits easily or if it is just that we had created such a needy baby from coddling him so much for so long. I am hopeful that as we get more CIO time under our belt, his “re-training” won’t take as long.
After this most recent round of re-training, we are having a lot of STTN success. In the last 2 weeks, I have probably only had to get out of bed to assist him 2-3 times (and those times were quick, I didn’t even remove him from the crib). He will wake up and fuss a little, but he has been able to work things out on his own.
I am extremely pleased with the progress. It has been very hard, and at times has made me wonder if I’m doing the right thing (like during the 2 hour CIO in the MOTN). Most of the time though I feel like I AM doing the right thing. I am enabling him to get the sleep that he desperately needs. Nothing is easy about this method. I personally think it’s probably best to try other methods before resorting to this (but I am not trying to make judgments about other people’s parenting decisions on this topic. You have to do what you feel is best for your situation). The best part about this method is you do see improvement quickly. I am a believer, but I’m not sure I would do this any sooner with a second child. I needed to feel confident that my baby didn’t require a MOTN feeding. I also needed to feel confident that he was ready for this sort of training. I also needed to know that his wake-ups were excessive and not likely necessary. None of these things would have been so clear if I had done this earlier.
There it is...my CIO experience. I'm quite sure we aren't done yet. I know there will be many other nights of exceptions, leading to more re-training. There will be illnesses, breaks in routine, travel, etc that will all potentially cause the need for retraining. In fact, I've heard from parents of "sleep-challenged" babies that they have fought this through the toddler years as well. I have also heard the opposite though, that the consistency of this and the ability to self soothe created an environment that allowed children to "cure" their sleep challenges. I'm hoping for the latter, but sort of assuming we will continue to have challenges. At least now we have a game plan.
Monday, April 2, 2012
STTN
STTN Part I: I’m going to structure this post into two parts because otherwise it just gets too long. Part I is below:
Yes, that’s right, you read STTN, which stands for Sleep Thru The Night. The reason I’ve titled this post that way is because my little family has been STTN off and on for the last couple of weeks. Now, this has not been without hiccups along the way, including some notable hiccups even last night and the night before that, but we are a hundred miles ahead of where we were when I last spoke of sleep.
The turning point for us…tough love. We had to do a little crying it out. (or a lot of crying it out, but generally not a lot at one time) I was so against this and I really wanted to achieve the goal of generally good sleep without leaving my little miracle baby in his crib alone in the dark with a tear stained face. In the end, I think those couple of days of “torture” are giving him the ability to sleep on his own which allows him to rest so much more effectively. I read “The No Cry Sleep Solution” and multiple other articles/books that advocated a more “gentle, nurturing” approach. I don’t doubt those tips will help and I think for many babies that’s probably all that has to happen. My baby was either too far gone with his bad habits or he has an exceptionally hard time with sleep that puts him in a different class.
So here is what we did. I must have read 4-5 sleep books, but realized I was only further confusing myself with each additional book. Initially I thought the best route was to pick one book and stick to it, but I actually combined advice from two main books and I added a little of my own instinct in there for good measure.
Step 1: Before I let him cry for one second, we did a few things to lay the groundwork.
1. We developed a bedtime routine and a consistent bedtime and we stuck with it.
2. I stopped middle of the night feedings (it has been clear for several months that he’s not actually hungry when he wakes up, he just wanted comfort, and nursing is very comforting). I would still comfort him, rock him, bounce him etc back to sleep, but I wouldn’t use a bottle. I suppose if I could not comfort him any other way, I might have concluded he was hungry, particularly if it had been many hours since his last feeding, but this didn’t happen, so we just went with middle of the night comforting.
3. I made sure his bedtime was early enough. I settled on 7:30pm, but that is flexible by about 15 minutes either direction.
4. I strived to make sure his naps were appropriate in length and that his awake time was not too long.
This part seems like it might have given us some improvement all on its own, but not for our little anti-sleeper. I readied myself to have him CIO…See Part II for how that went. (hopefully I'll have that posted soon.
Yes, that’s right, you read STTN, which stands for Sleep Thru The Night. The reason I’ve titled this post that way is because my little family has been STTN off and on for the last couple of weeks. Now, this has not been without hiccups along the way, including some notable hiccups even last night and the night before that, but we are a hundred miles ahead of where we were when I last spoke of sleep.
The turning point for us…tough love. We had to do a little crying it out. (or a lot of crying it out, but generally not a lot at one time) I was so against this and I really wanted to achieve the goal of generally good sleep without leaving my little miracle baby in his crib alone in the dark with a tear stained face. In the end, I think those couple of days of “torture” are giving him the ability to sleep on his own which allows him to rest so much more effectively. I read “The No Cry Sleep Solution” and multiple other articles/books that advocated a more “gentle, nurturing” approach. I don’t doubt those tips will help and I think for many babies that’s probably all that has to happen. My baby was either too far gone with his bad habits or he has an exceptionally hard time with sleep that puts him in a different class.
So here is what we did. I must have read 4-5 sleep books, but realized I was only further confusing myself with each additional book. Initially I thought the best route was to pick one book and stick to it, but I actually combined advice from two main books and I added a little of my own instinct in there for good measure.
Step 1: Before I let him cry for one second, we did a few things to lay the groundwork.
1. We developed a bedtime routine and a consistent bedtime and we stuck with it.
2. I stopped middle of the night feedings (it has been clear for several months that he’s not actually hungry when he wakes up, he just wanted comfort, and nursing is very comforting). I would still comfort him, rock him, bounce him etc back to sleep, but I wouldn’t use a bottle. I suppose if I could not comfort him any other way, I might have concluded he was hungry, particularly if it had been many hours since his last feeding, but this didn’t happen, so we just went with middle of the night comforting.
3. I made sure his bedtime was early enough. I settled on 7:30pm, but that is flexible by about 15 minutes either direction.
4. I strived to make sure his naps were appropriate in length and that his awake time was not too long.
This part seems like it might have given us some improvement all on its own, but not for our little anti-sleeper. I readied myself to have him CIO…See Part II for how that went. (hopefully I'll have that posted soon.
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