Random Update

Craziness here!

Work has exploded with more than I can begin to keep up with.   My job has become more fulfilling and fun than it ever has been before.  I find myself having trouble actually getting up from my chair and leaving at night, but I force myself because I know I need to get home to be with my little man.  It’s good, but also a little stressful since my fall classes started last week as well.  I can usually count on a slower day at least a couple times a week where I can take an hour lunch to read, do homework, study, etc .  That has been a complete impossibility the last month.  I need to find a way to focus on my studies while being a great employee and an even better mom.  It’s hard, there’s no question.

B is still adjusting to his new classroom at school, but he has really calmed down.  It has taken every day since my last post to make this much progress, but we are getting there.  He fusses a little when I leave, but it’s nothing like the full-on meltdown I was dealing with before.

My parents arrive for a 5 day visit this evening.  They have not been here since last Christmas which is a very long time for them.  My parents are very sweet and they mean well.  They never say anything rude or question my methods, but they just have a way about them that can be annoying.  At the same time I am so very excited for them to be reacquainted with my little B.  They are true doting grandparents and B will be spoiled rotten during their stay (since they are keeping him home from daycare tomorrow and Friday).  We have no family nearby, so I'm looking forward to sharing our little B's antics, sense of humor, strong-willed nature, and love of the outdoors among other things with someone else who loves him (almost) as much.  

Pretty boring update, but generally good stuff going on here.  A close friend’s sister just found out she was pregnant after her 2^nd FET cycle (her first FET resulted in a miscarriage a few months ago).  I also spent a few minutes this morning catching up with a colleague from another office who struggled with infertility, then when she did get pregnant, she had to be on bedrest at 23 weeks, then her water broke at 24 weeks... luckily she was able to maintain the pregnancy until 30 weeks, at which time she gave birth to a baby boy who is now 9 months old and shows all signs of having a perfectly normal life!  I don’t always get to report such good news from the infertility community, so I'm enjoying it today.

Transition

I am at a loss.  I don’t know how to help my little boy transition to his new classroom at daycare.  We have been in Room 3 for about 6 months now.  He arrives at about the same time each day, goes to his chair at the table and sits down to have breakfast which I pack for him.  If we arrive later and there are more kids than usual or if we arrive (God forbid) after breakfast is over, I already know he will have a melt-down.  He likes his morning routine the way it is and doesn't want it to change.  I can totally understand this because as a kid you have no real control over what happens in your day, so if you can’t even be sure you know what to expect, it could be scary, and I can see why some would rebel against it.

So, now that B is 2 years old, we are moving him to the 2 yr old room (Room 4).  This room is adjoining with Room 3 and at breakfast time, there are not that many kids so one teacher, the teacher he has had for 6 months, manages both classrooms from 6:00 – 7:30am.  This arrangement seems like it would be a fairly easy transition.  It really only changes the table that B will sit at during his breakfast time.  Well, B is not convinced.  We started the process of moving on Monday and each day was met with more and more resistance.  In fact, each day, he wound up sitting right back in his normal chair for breakfast and just moving over to Room 4 at around 7:30 or 8:00am.  His teacher tells me that he’s not too thrilled about heading over to the other room even then, but once he gets over there, he does perfectly.

I am not opposed to letting him ease into this change this way, but I need to do something about drop off.  I either need to just accept the fact that he will not be able to eat breakfast in the new classroom right away and take him straight to his old seat, or I need to accept the fact that he’s going to throw a colossal fit and melt down completely until he gets used to the new room.  The issue I have right now is that he is rewarded by getting his way when he throws the fit, which is obviously not a good plan.  

This morning I was prepared to leave a tearful screaming child in the “big kid” room no matter what it took, but after a few minutes of screams, the daycare director told me to go ahead and let him stay in his old room for breakfast saying there was no need to make it hard on myself and on him.  I sensed that she also wanted to keep the screaming to a minimum in order to keep the daycare from getting chaotic or getting other parents concerned.  I get that, and I actually think it might be best to do it that way, but I just don’t know how we’re ever going to break this cycle.

I have googled this topic and cannot find any helpful advice.  I fear that my son might be among the stronger-willed children and/or a child who depends more heavily on a rigid structure.  He has always been less-than-thrilled when things change on him, but this is more difficult for me because I don't know how to fix it.  If he suffers because I jacked with his bedtime routine, then the next day I just go back to the old routine.  This time going back to the old routine is not an option (maybe during the transition time, but we can't be in Room 3 forever).

Doula Training?

I have an opportunity to participate in a training course that would give me all the classroom time necessary to become a DONA certified doula.  This may seem a little out of left field for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I wimped out and got an epidural in my own birth, however I have interest in doing this for other reasons.  I am trying to decide if it makes sense to give up an entire weekend plus almost $700 to embark on this and my gut keeps telling me it is.

First, I dream of being a labor and delivery, postpartum or fertility nurse.  I know these preferences may change as I go to nursing school and participate in the clinicals in all the different areas of the hospital, but for now these are the areas where I have so much interest and passion that I cannot get enough exposure or information.  It seems like doula training would be a mini-fast track into that world.  Even if it did come in a different "flavor" than the normal nursing curriculum would.

I also would think that having this training could only be helpful to my future patients.  I have no intention of ever changing a patient's true wishes when it comes to her birth plan, but if someone came in on my shift who was a lot like me (just wanting to experience labor and see how my body managed it), I think I could be more supportive to those women and offer them tips and tricks that would allow them to better attain whatever goal they had.  The hospital I delivered in was very "natural childbirth friendly" so I never really felt pressured to get an epidural from the staff, but I also didn't feel any real support or guidance from the doctors or nurses that could help me.  If I hadn't hired a doula of my own I would have been hooked up to an IV and an epidural 4 hours after I arrived, but with my doula, I experienced real, raw active labor (with water broken) for almost 12 hours before getting an epidural and starting to talk c-section.  I know I couldn't have done it without her, but I'm so proud of myself for doing it.  I wonder if I could help women who didn't have doulas make it just slightly longer in the process.

Another big reason that I think this could be an interesting use of time and money is that I do have a minor underlying fear that I might not have the guts to be a nurse.  I have a tendency to panic in situations where I have no idea what to do.  Now, with that being said, if I DO know what to do, I can be remarkably calm, so I think as I gain the knowledge that is necessary to be in this role, I should be able to calmly, confidently and effectively perform.  The problem is, there really isn't a good way to do a "trial run".  I can't shadow a nurse today and know if I would be able to handle it, because today, I don't have the skills, so of course I wouldn't' feel comfortable.  On the other hand, by the time I obtain the skills and training, there is no longer any value in the trial run because I have already spent the years in school, the money on classes and left my full time job to pursue this dream.  If I find out then that I don't have what it takes, then I'm kind of screwed.  Enter the mini-trial-run.  The thought assisting a laboring woman in the hospital is not all that intimidating because you're surrounded by so many medical professionals who know exactly what to do, but the thought of assisting that woman in her home before she goes to the hospital is slightly more concerning.  Doulas, by definition, are not medical professionals and do not perform medical tests or procedures, but the laboring woman is looking to the doula to help guide her through the process.

Finally, I just think it might be a fascinating class and I can't imagine that learning more about anything related to the body would be a bad idea at this point.  So, now I just need to decide how to convince my husband that he needs to be on his own with the 2 year old for the entire weekend and I need to spend all this money on this class that won't actually go towards my nursing degree...it's still a tough decision.

I'm my own worst organization enemy

I am trying to find the best way to organize and schedule my fall semester.  I love both organizing and scheduling, but I suck at actually following through with the scheduled activities.

I love shopping and buying new planners.  I actually really love the planner I am using now, but that has not helped me all that much for my assignments for school.  I cannot do an online or electronic solution because although I absolutely see the value in electronic options, they aren't for me.  I need something I can write on, make notes on, cross off items, etc.  I could possibly do a hybrid electronic/paper solution where I could print out my master schedule/planner on a daily or as needed basis to carry around, but (and I know this sounds silly), I don't like the way printouts feel, I don't like the way they float around at the bottom of your bag, get wrinkled, don't have a firm backing on them, and I'm not a big fan of 3 hole punch solutions that would allow me to print and add whatever and whenever I want.  See my dilemma?  I'm an ADD + OCD disaster.

I don't tend to miss assignments/deadlines, but I do tend to procrastinate when I am overwhelmed by a task, and I'm totally scrambling, grumpy, and make careless mistakes at the eleventh hour as I'm racing to complete it. I can tell myself a million times that breaking a project into smaller pieces can make it more manageable, but somehow, I cannot seem to get past the fact that the project is big and I'm overwhelmed by it.

My nutrition teacher this past semester had a great system where everything was always due on Monday at 11:55pm.  Each week she would post the assignments/quizzes/tests/ etc that were coming up and we had 6 days to complete them.  This was awesome because usually these weekly assignments were manageable.  Of course, I completed almost all of them on the Monday evening they were due, BUT since she broke it down into weekly assignments she saved me from my own tendencies to procrastinate because if everything was due at the end, we all know what I would have been doing...

I need to somehow replicate her system, but it will still require a great deal of self control because I am a master manipulator of my own time.  When the teacher puts it in place, you know you can't mess with it, when I put my own deadlines in place, I can convince myself that almost anything is more important than doing that assignment.  Scrubbing the floor, doing laundry, reading a blog, etc.

I don't think I have any commenters out there after being gone so long, but if anyone has a good system, I'd love to hear it.

Class Update

I am finishing up my Nutrition class this week.  Although this class was an easy A, I very much underestimated the amount of work that was necessary and the amount of biology that would be involved.  I took Chemistry online earlier this summer and that too was tons of work, but it was an Intro Chemistry course, so the material was not difficult.  I did pretty much have to eat, sleep and breathe Chemistry since the course was crammed into 4 weeks, but I easily pulled the A.  Overall I feel pretty accomplished on my summer courses.

Unfortunately, my fall lineup is probably going to be a lot more difficult.  I am taking Anatomy and Physiology 2 online.  The problem is the tests are all proctored, so there is no safety net of being able to check your notes or anything.  It makes sense for this type of course, but I am nervous.  There wasn't another good option for me though.  On the plus side I am looking forward to having my Saturdays to spend with the family and do my errands and chores.  I will have to be very organized and dedicated to get through this.  I have to get an A or I won't get into the program I want.  It's a lot of pressure.  In addition, I am taking a Gov't course which is required to obtain a Bachelor's degree in TX.  (I already have a Bachelor's degree, but earned it in Illinois).  I don't anticipate the Gov't course to be difficult, but I'm already questioning whether this is too much to take on.  I will survive, I'm sure, but an A in both is necessary!

Random Random Random

So now that I'm actually trying to blog more about stuff other than infertility, I have no filter on the topics I want to blog about...in fact, there are so many that I can't really decide what direction to go today.  Here are a few of the things on my mind right now in far more detail than is necessary...

1.  When should I move my 2 year old into a toddler bed?  He seems close to being ready for this, but I like  he's safe when he's in the crib (he has not tried to climb out yet).  I read conflicting things about waiting too long vs. not waiting long enough.  I talked to another mom in the office, who adamantly told me to leave him in there as long as possible, because they wish they had...I'm leaning towards waiting 6 more months.

2.  How can I take Microbiology without encroaching on work or family too much. There is no fully online option, and no Saturday classes available.  I would have to give up 2 nights a week, which is fine, but I would need to either have a babysitter pick my son up from daycare or somehow rush home and get back in time for class, because my husband's career is too unpredictable, demanding and just too important for him to leave at 5pm 2 nights a week, every week for 15 weeks in a row.  Which leads me to another question...do people actually let their babysitters drive their kids and if so, do they just buy a carseat for the babysitter's car?

3.  Do I really want to be a nurse?  I know I do...I just worry that all this time, effort, absence from the family is more than I can take, and it seems sooo far off.  I think the answer to this is a yes, but how does anyone really know?  It's kind of scary to commit to the education part of it without really knowing what it will be like when it's real.

4.  I have recently began taking ADD/ADHD medication and I am completely astounded that I never realized I had this issue before.  I am still tweaking the dose and don't have everything just right, plus medication is definitely not a cure-all, but I'm still amazed that I missed this all these years.

5.  I could not be more in love with organizing.  I get very excited just browsing through containers and getting ideas from websites on how to take on the projects, however, I have a great deal of difficulty executing on these. I do tackle projects and I'm pretty good at keeping things nice once I get it done, but I am just not the organization queen that I am in my dreams.  I'm not sure if this is a bad thing or if it just makes me normal, but I love thinking and talking about organizing.

6.  I know so much about eating right and exercising, yet I don't do a very good job of it.  Partly because I am at an ideal weight and don't have any motivation to change.  Plus I love carbs and cheese, and I have no time for exercise.

7.  A lesson reminder: Never judge until you've walked in someone else's shoes. I never thought I would put cheese on a tortilla and melt it and give it to my son for dinner....3 nights a week.  I was that childless person at the grocery store annoyed with the mother who was letting her toddler scream in the checkout line.  Note I said "letting".  I was a moron.  I now know that moms with tired, cranky kids need groceries too and no parent in their right mind is going to leave their full cart to take the kid outside to prove she's not putting up with this behavior.
**Please note: if someone reading this actually does that, not trying to offend...just saying the mom's who don't deserve nothing more than a compassionate smile or maybe an extra hand if it seems appropriate.

I'll be more organized in future posts...just ramping back up and I'm all over the place.  

Hi again

My baby boy turns 2 today!  I haven't blogged in forever because I find it difficult to think of things I want to talk about.  I love being a mom, but I find enough fulfillment just talking about that with my friends and family in real life.  I really enjoyed sharing my infertility experience with the world wide web and hopefully sharing some valuable tidbits with others going through the experience because we all know that it seems we are the only ones when it's going on.  I don't think I'm a mommy blogger.  It's not for me.  I have lots of anecdotes I would like to share, but I can't seem to find the time and motivation to get them posted...it also seems odd to just show up out of nowhere when I've been totally absent for months and just throw something out there on the blog.

Anyway, here I am again.  My husband and I (mostly him) came to a decision a while ago to be happy as a family of 3.  I initially resented this decision and the unilateral nature of it, but I have to say he was right.  Our son is the LIGHT OF MY LIFE, but he is a handful.  I often wonder if we might be dealing with more than just a normal high energy kid, but there is no need to put a name or label on him.  He is my busy boy.  He can be very happy and he can be very unhappy.  The only reason in the world I can think of to add to our family is simply to keep him from being an only child, but that is not a good enough reason.  We love our little family of 3.  We are the perfect size.  It is manageable, it is close, it is loving and it's perfect.  It's not exactly what I had in mind when I started down the path of fertility treatments, but life is almost never what you planned.  I am so very happy that my husband insisted on waiting to try again, and expressed his strong desire to keep this family small.  He was right, as he often is, and I'm grateful that we are parents of one amazing boy.

Over the last year, I have realized that there are some parts of my life that aren't as full as I would like them to be.  I have tried to make excuses for my career by saying that it is easy, I can leave work without thinking about it, blah blah blah, but the fact is I do not like my job, and I do not feel fulfilled or appreciated there.  I would just leave, but I really do enjoy the fact that I can leave every night at 5pm and not have to travel, etc.  I'm just not overly happy with the work.  I spend too much time there to be this unhappy.  I began searching my soul for the work or career that might bring me the happiness I wanted.  I have a bachelor's degree in finance.  This is a mystery to me.  I have no idea why I did that or how I even succeeded at it since I find it so boring.  I really wanted to make a change, but it wasn't going to be possible without embarking on more education in a different field.

After a great deal of thought and some real questioning, I came to the conclusion that the healthcare field is of great interest to me. After my own experiences in my infertility treatments, I found that the inner workings of the body is fascinating, and I certainly never cringe when I see a needle anymore.  I initially thought being a sonogram technician could be interesting, but I knew that wasn't "it".  There was more that I craved, I wanted an experience where I could be hands on with all aspects of patient care.  I have decided to pursue a nursing career.  This decision was not made lightly and I have spent the last year in pre-requisite courses so that I can apply to nursing school next year.  I am only able to take a couple courses at a time, since I want to continue to work full time for now.  It makes for busy times, but busy in a good way.  The kind of busy that happens when you're working on something that matters.  That's what I was missing in my work life, the concept of doing something I care about.

I think some mothers would probably feel that being a mom should be enough, and maybe it would be enough if I didn't work too, but spending 40+ hours a week (plus many more readying and transporting myself) to something you not only don't love, but that you kind of hate, can be a downer.  I still have to work, but it no longer is my sad  future.  It has become a means to an end.  I must work to make money to allow me to pursue what I really do want to do.

So there you have it.  I'm not a mommy blogger, I'm not an infertility blogger, but if all goes well, and I can make the time to actually blog, I'm becoming a nursing school (and pre-requisite completion) blogger.  :)

Oh and just to make sure I am clear, my little man (and my big man) are the best things in my life.  I can't wait to spend more time with both of them.  My son gets more fun every single day.  His words are more and more humorous and enjoyable.  His personality is developing and he is just an amazing little boy that I look forward to seeing each and every morning and night.  Happy birthday my sweet pea!