10DPIUI....BFN

So today, I went ahead and tested.  I had my IUI 10 days ago and since I got my first BFP after my IVF 5 days past my 5 day transfer or the equivalent of 10DPO, I figured it would be a good time to try.  Even though it might have been a tad early, I still feel pretty sure that I’m out this month and I’m ok with that.  I felt it would have been a long shot for it to have worked this month anyway.  That being said, I should still mark down the following symptoms because I was either off my rocker with these feelings or something about this cycle had me getting symptoms and I want to remember that these symptoms do not indicate a pregnancy…necessarily.

1dpiui – queasy in the evening (I had eaten a big lunch and sort of felt gross from it)

2dpiui – again queasy in the evening, same big lunch problem

3dpiui – nothing, peeing a little more, hungrier, but nothing special, no sore boobs

4dpiui – nothing, same as yesterday, peeing, hungry, no sore boobs

5dpiui – nothing, no sore boobs

6dpiui – small cramping, wouldn't have noticed it if I hadn’t been hyper alert

7dpiui – small cramping again, VERY tired, but nothing that out of the ordinary really

8dpiui – nothing…still no sore boobs and every cycle before I got pregnant I would have sore boobs after O, starting to get nervous about that.

9dpiui – queasy off and on all day, but still no sore boobs

10dpiui – test BFN, no real symptoms

I have always believed that the symptoms that people feel before possible implantation are either completely unrelated or are a result of the increased progesterone (i.e. sore breasts).  I think almost everything even after implantation but prior to AF being due is probably less related to an actual pregnancy than it is due to the hormonal changes that occur cyclically each month.  However, I have never seen, in my own experience, queasiness in a non-pregnancy cycle.  Of course, my mind could be playing tricks, I could be suffering from some digestive issues, or possibly the letrozole or pre-natals or even the baby aspirin could be causing some discomfort.  Either way, I will remember from now on that even queasiness doesn’t indicate a pregnancy. 

I am actually very comfortable with the BFN and the idea of trying again.  (It helps that my inlaws are coming next weekend and now I can drink wine while they are here.)  

I do wish I didn’t have to attend so many appointments and get everyone at work all interested in what’s going on in my personal life again (and probably have to lie about what I’m actually doing), but I have come to the conclusion that I absolutely love the process of going through the treatments.  Yes, it’s uncomfortable, inconvenient, expensive for some, but there is a weird excitement that goes along with it that I find IN-toxicating.  I felt this way especially with my fresh IVF cycle.  I felt like my R.E.’s entire office was kind of revolving around me as I approached trigger day. I was a famous person there.  Everyone knew that I was the next retrieval.  This is a private, one-doctor practice, but it is by no means small.  It is located at Baylor Hospital in downtown Dallas, so my guess is the staff makes me FEEL as though I’m the only patient, but they really have more than just me approaching a retrieval.  Anyway, I’m actually kind of sad that we don’t plan to take this as far as IVF again, because a part of me would cherish another experience like that.  Don’t misunderstand…I do not enjoy the emotional desperation that we IF-ers endure during an IVF cycle.  It is not the easiest thing to explain, but to be clear, I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone.  I just find a strange pleasure in the sterile/scientific/medical part of the process.

So now we have to make a decision…do we participate in another cycle with the oral medication or ask to move on to the bigger “superovulation” with injectibles.  I am sort of leaning towards injectibles since I didn’t feel the letrozole jump-started me enough to even get sore boobs this cycle.  I just feel my chances are pretty slim with that.  I don’t mind taking another month to see how it goes, but all the appointments and work missed would be better investments on an injectable cycle I think.  

IUI

So here we are, on the eve of my first IUI after baby.  I have no idea how anyone goes through multiple IUI cycles without actually telling their employer what they are doing.  I am not even on injectibles and I’ve still been to the doctor four times checking follicle growth and once before I started the meds to ensure I didn't have any cysts.  I honestly think I was gone only a little bit more from work when I was doing my IVF fresh cycle.  The difference is, the likelihood of this cycle working is far less than the IVF cycle, so it’s frustrating.  I really like to keep this sort of thing sort of quiet from my bosses until I’m actually pregnant, because it’s personal, and awkward to talk about.  I don’t really care if they know, but I don’t want to have to have “the conversation” with them when going through treatments. 

Anyway, the cycle has gone fairly well from a medical perspective.  Super easy medication.  I took letrozole days 3-7 of my cycle.  I had no side effects at all.  After some fairly uneventful ultrasounds, today my lining looks great and I have one mature follie.  Initially I had three that looked like they would mature, but thankfully only one did.  The other two seemed to have stopped growing.  Obviously they could mature before it’s all over with, but I’m more comfortable having just one.  I was testing at home with OPK’s and got my + today.  It is day 15 of the cycle, so ovulation (and IUI) will be on day 16. 

What is really causing me some stress is that my husband has started to get cold feet about having another baby (like right in the middle of this cycle).  I don’t really understand why.  I know he feels like our son is starting to be kind of a handful, (this is true) and he is envisioning himself chasing two of them around for the next several years.  I agree this sounds a little un-sexy, but I’m not sure how it differs from chasing one around.  One kid still makes it hard to jet off to a beach location, or even run out to dinner with little notice.  Everything requires planning in advance.  We already have a large property and livestock, so it’s not like we have a lifestyle that allows us a ton of freedom anyway.  I think it makes sense to just have a second kid now, so we can cram all this baby craziness into a small period of time.  Of course a second baby costs more, but we spend so much money on the maintenance and improvement of our home and property and don’t get near the fulfillment that a child gives.  I don’t know, I guess I’m just not on the same page, but this is an important issue to be on the same page about.  I not yet ready to plan on being a one child family.  It’s not a bad thing, but right now I still want that different dynamic that comes with two kids.  I guess I’m leaving that one up to God because even if he was to refuse to give me a cup of his sperm tomorrow (which I cannot imagine he would do), we could have conceived “naturally” this cycle, so what’s done is done.