Facebook

Am I the only one who is sick to death of being informed of every thought my Facebook friends have and every activity they participate in?

I joined Facebook only for the ability to connect with people I may not have otherwise had access to. I moved away from my home town when I was 19 years old and have lived in other states ever since, so I don’t regularly run into my high school pals at the grocery store. Facebook gave me a way to reach them if I chose to, and to get a small glimpse into their life now.

I have now become so irritated by multiple updates a day about their whereabouts on a daily basis (is this even safe??), their every thought, and my least favorite…the vague comments designed to cause curiosity such as:

“Jennifer Smith says: I refuse to be treated this way”.

What way? What happened? Who did this to you? Why do I now feel guilty for possibly offending you when I haven’t spoken to you live in 5 years? Are these people just looking for attention? I don’t understand the purpose of publishing a statement like that for your 400 closest friends to read.

I know the simple solution would be to refrain from looking at it unless I am trying to connect with someone on my friend list. Well, this is where I have a lack of willpower. I guess I find these status updates intriguing in a similar way to a brutal wreck on the highway. I open the Facebook app on my phone at least three times a day and without exception I become frustrated with the completely unnecessary commentary.

A couple of times a week though, someone will include an announcement of their upcoming wedding or a baby being born or some other noteworthy event, and I find that information useful and interesting. I also enjoy reading some of my more witty friends telling a funny story about their children or their work or even making a cutting edge comment about current events.

I suppose many people could say the same thing about having an anonymous blog where I ramble on about my medical conditions, my thoughts and fears, and update the entire world about my life, when there may not be anyone who really wants these updates either.

It's a ...??

We went to see our high risk specialist for an anatomy scan. I was secretly hoping we would learn the sex of the baby, but I really hated to get my hopes up since I was only 16 weeks 5 days at the time. I definitely didn’t want to hear the sex was one thing, then find out 4 weeks later that it’s something else. I would rather just not know, but I still was hoping a little.

We got to spend a lot of time with the little one during the scan. Everything is still checking out perfectly normal. All the measurements were perfect. The baby weighs 8oz (which is higher than my books say is normal, but I’m not sure how accurate the estimate is or how much babies vary at this age). There is still a small remnant of our little guy who didn’t make it. He looks so tiny compared to our healthy baby. Due to the presence of the fetal parts and placenta, we were unable to do the quad screen which was the last screening available to us. I’m not sure we will be able to do it at our next appointment since we will be over 20 weeks by then. This is really fine. I’m not too would up about that part of it anyway. For some reason, my biggest fears lie in my own body’s ability to support a pregnancy, not in the chromosomal makeup of the baby. Of course, I know there are risks, but I’m not terribly fearful of them, so I’m ok with waiting until the baby arrives.

So after a long scan and many measurements, the doctor asked us if we were hoping for a girl or a boy. I could tell she had found some evidence of one or the other. I told her that we really didn’t care, but that I thought it was a girl. Right as I said it, the doctor said, “Not with this thing he isn’t” and she revealed the “package” of our son. My husband whipped out his phone and started texting everyone he knew. The doctor made some sort of comment about how this boy wasn’t modest and how easy it was to find, which only fed into my husbands “Boy ego”. He was so thrilled. We got about five pictures of the little pee pee. I was in disbelief, but so excited. It’s true that it makes it so much more real. I really think I was kind of hoping for a boy as well, because I couldn’t believe how happy I was when she announced this. Maybe I would have felt that either way though.

Because this is just how I operate, there is this tiny part of me that says what if she’s wrong? What if she’s looking at the umbilical cord. Of course, this is a perinatalogist who makes her living (and has for many years) studying ultrasounds to find minor imperfections in tiny in utero babies. I think she would know a penis when she sees one. On top of that, I can see it with my own eyes. The only reason I even worry about her being wrong is because now that I know it’s a boy, I’m feeling “boy”. I think it would be kind of weird to switch that feeling to “girl”. The doctor gave us no reason whatsoever to doubt her, so I’m going with it. It’s never for sure until a baby with boy parts pops out. For the most part, I have come to realize and accept fully that I am carrying a boy child, and we’re so excited.

What a fun day to share with my husband. We’ve even almost picked a name. I’m just not sure if something else might come up that we like better, so I’m waiting to reveal it, but we’ve got one in mind. Everything is so much more fun when you can start the planning for baby stage of the pregnancy. It seems reckless almost to proceed and leave my fears of losing this baby behind, but I think for my own enjoyment, I’m going to start the planning phase.

Tour of Labor and Delivery?

My unplanned tour of Labor and Delivery began when I noticed on Wednesday night that I had a bit of watery discharge. I sort of wrote it off, thinking that maybe I had leaked a little pee or something. Then Thursday around lunch time, I noticed it again. The ONE thing my doctor really emphasized was to pay attention to mucus and discharge because it can be a great clue if your cervix has decided to open slightly. I decided I should probably put in a very calm call to my OB. I spoke to the nurse and she reassured me that it probably was either just plain discharge that seemed more watery or even possibly pee, but then she said that the office takes this symptom very seriously, so they wanted me to go over to Labor and Delivery triage to be evaluated “just in case”!! I couldn’t believe my ears.

I finished up a few minor things at work, and got in the car and headed over there. I wasn’t sure where to park or where to go or anything, but thankfully it wasn’t a busy time of the day and everything came together when I got there. I was taken into a room immediately and asked a hundred questions including “do you feel safe at home” and “are you in an abusive relationship”. These questions were asked in a near whisper and I felt sorry for the women who have to think about how they might answer that question. After a pretty short time, a lovely young resident came into my room with her ultrasound machine and we took a peek at the little one. Everything looked perfect and the bag of water was perfectly intact. Although, I was quite sure that if this discharge was in fact amniotic fluid, that it was leaking very slowly, so I hadn’t expected to see anything less than a nice bag of fluid.

Then I was ushered into a room where they administered a few cultures. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this, but she used a speculum with no lubricant so as not to affect the result of the test, and it hurt like hell! I had this same experience when having my transfer, but was given a valium which clearly did give me some sense of calm. The good news was the test was negative for amniotic fluid. YAY! I’m still possibly going to be a mother in August! They ran a few other tests, I peed in a cup, and they released me after only 1.5 hours. This was a huge relief to me. Honestly, while the experience was scary, I had a feeling that everything was going to be fine. I also am glad to have had the opportunity to tour the facility and understand where to park so that when it’s the real thing, we can be calm.

Once again, this was a reminder that although I’m now 17 weeks pregnant, I’m still not able to just relax and begin to daydream about my little one. I’m wondering when I can get to that level of comfort.

Just a little work rant

I’m not loving my job right now. I am in no position to complain, I mean, I have a job during one of the worst times in history for unemployment. I also don’t “hate” my job, I just don’t feel fulfilled. It’s easy for me to find the positive aspects in my choices and remember why I am here, but there are days where I resent the work. My job is actually fairly easy, yet fast moving and interesting, so it doesn’t bore me. It is something I can leave at the office every day and not worry about from home. It is something that probably will not require me (or even offer me) to take on more responsibilities in the future. I will likely receive a pay raise each year, and I think it’s relatively secure.

Sooooo what’s the problem?? Right??

I guess maybe I need to feel more important than this, or I need to feel like I’m using the education that I spent time and money on. I sometimes cannot believe this is what my life has come to.

I am an executive assistant. This role allows me to be in contact with some very important people with very well known large companies, but I am always bowing down to these people and always addressing them as Mr. or Ms. and always doing the most petty little things for them. I am good at this kind of work, so it should be a perfect fit, but there are days where I remember where I was only one short year ago and I just cannot believe it.

Last year, I was running the accessories and services business for a large technology reseller. I was well respected and I had two people reporting to me. I was designing advertising and sales strategies for large, well known vendor partners and collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars monthly for the business to act as the relationship manager. The truth of the matter is I HATED IT. There were days where I thoroughly enjoyed the work of course, but most of the time it took way too many hours a day, it required at least one week/month travel, and the expectations were set so high that I think they were nearly impossible to meet even if I had worked 70 hours a week. I just think I was proud to have that job.

My current job shockingly pays almost as much, requires no travel, is almost strictly 8:30-5:30, has unbelievable benefits, and really is a good fit for my work/life balance. Why can’t I just get used to the fact that sometimes finding a good work/life balance requires fetching coffee, heating up my boss’s lunch, sending a check to his child’s soccer team coach and coordinating the family’s trip to Florence (yes, I mean his family, not mine). I absolutely need to focus on my priorities.

1. Family (my husband and this baby) – being there for them and being present in their lives both mentally and physically. This job gives me the ability to be home each night with my mind on the house and family only (no worrying about work)
2. Insurance – I have lived so much of my life with less than fantastic insurance, that I have now come to realize how very valuable and important a “Cadillac” insurance policy is. This job has the best insurance I have seen in a long time.
3. Money – I need to make enough money to fill the gap between what my husband makes alone and the lifestyle we enjoy. I know it would be fine if we downsized our life to fit the (still very good) income that my husband makes on his own, but I like the idea of contributing financially to the family. I get nervous that I would feel like my spending was being scrutinized if I didn’t bring in my own income. I also enjoy the benefits that come with the extra income. I think I will appreciate my time with the baby more since I’m not home 24/7 with him/her. This job gives me a respectable income with none of the pitfalls that come with “bigger” jobs.

So there it is. When I read this back to myself, I sound like a spoiled brat. I have the ideal situation and the fact that I have made haircut appointments for my boss and his children and ordered my boss’s wife’s birthday cake this morning shouldn’t eat away at me. I mean, hello, I’m getting paid to be a “work wife”. I couldn’t get paid to be a home wife.

To keep it in perspective, I also have a great deal of inside, sensitive knowledge about large publicly traded companies, and I set up several meetings this week for very high level executives for Fortune 500 companies, and all these men and women know me on a first name basis…although I’ll never call them their first name, that would simply be inappropriate for someone so far beneath them. Such is the life of an executive assistant.

14 Weeks 3 Days

I don't have much to report, but thought I should check in. My all-day sickness seems to have finally come to an end. It has been tapering off and lessening in intensity since 11 weeks, but I haven't had any for a week now, so I think it's safe to say I'm doing much better.

I am gaining weight steadily and hoping it's not too much (I've been eating ice cream every night), but I'm going to watch it and hopefully stay right on target. I can finally start eating healthy again now that things other than pizza and bread sound good to me.

My NT scan went well, both the neck measurement and the nasal bone look perfect. We were not able to do any 1st trimester screenings because my little guy with no heartbeat still has a placenta and the doctor can't be sure how much hormone production it is still doing. This could skew my results and give me false positives for chromosomal abnormalities, so I have to wait until I can do the quad screening and hopefully by then we can get an accurate read.

Honestly, I'm not that interested in doing all these tests anyway. I'm not terminating this pregnancy for any reason, and I'm not risking an amnio, so it's not the end of the world if we don't get these screenings. I pray I have a healthy, normal baby in there, but we worked so hard, spent so much, and waited so long for a child. Now we finally are pregnant, so we're just going to take what God gives us.

That's about it. My belly is getting bigger and really starting to look pregnant. I still think strangers just think I eat too much, but I'm starting to cross over to the possibly pregnant look. I'll be glad when I get to that point. It's so exciting.

Still loving being pregnant!