New Attitude

We had our appointment with the R.E. to go over the results of our immune panels. I tested “positive” for Natural Killer cells. I also tested positive on the Natural Killer Activation test. This is still sort of confusing to me, but suffice it to say that the doctor thinks it’s potentially a real issue and not just a borderline normal test. I also tested positive for anti-thyroid antibodies, but I already knew that I had that problem. The good news is that I tested negative for Embryo Toxicity. It sounds like that would have been a more expensive issue to fix, but it would have provided a more solid explanation for the past years of infertility.

He has suggested intra-lipid? infusions…this is a newer method of treating this problem than the alternative IVIG. The benefit is that it is much less expensive and since most of the time the insurance company will declare the treatment to be experimental, it’s usually not covered. I’m fine with this, I just hope it works.

The thing that I need to start accepting is that some people just have failed IVF’s. There is not necessarily some hidden condition that is lurking around just waiting for an opportunity to destroy my pregnancy dreams. I need to try to go into this next transfer with an open mind and a positive attitude. I don’t honestly think that I’m destroying my own chances with my disbelief that I can achieve a pregnancy, but positivity is known to do great things in cancer patients and serious illnesses, so why shouldn’t I apply that same excitement to my own infertility.

I think I’m in a constant state of protecting myself by putting up my walls so I don’t foolishly begin to believe that I will be successful. IVF is successful 50% of the time in this country. Why can’t I just start seeing the glass half-full. I’ve already been in the failed 50% pile, now I’m going to be in the successful 50% pile. I’m even thinking of buying a few things for the baby. Every time I think about this I start to worry that if it never happens, it would be a waste. I just can’t shake that practicality that invades my mind and causes me to never truly BELIEVE that it’s my turn.

This cycle, I’m going for it. I’m going to believe through and through that I will achieve a pregnancy. I am going to push away all the negative thoughts and concerns about my various failures and become one of the success stories. I’m all in, all my money is on the table, and I’m totally exposed. I can’t lose this time because it will be a crushing defeat, but I’m taking the risk.