10DP3DT (10 Days Past 3 Day Transfer) BFN...

I tested again today with FMU…BFN. This has me disappointed, but I spent yesterday picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting ready to move forward. There are so many things in life that aren’t fair, this is just a hiccup.

My niece will grow up without her father because he decided to take his own life when the going got tough. That’s not fair. A beautiful young life of a friend was ended by a freak cancer cell still hanging arund in his body 10 years after he was last treated. His wife is pregnant with their first child; a child who will never know his father. That is not fair. My cousin lost her otherwise healthy and strong husband at 33 to an aneurism. That is not fair.

The fact that I have a little more difficulty conceiving and carrying a child…yeah, that’s not fair, but guess what, life’s not fair. I think wallowing in self-pity is one of the most unproductive ways I can spend this time. I am lucky that my insurance covers about 70% of this process (at least this time). I am lucky that even if they didn’t, my husband and I could afford to have fertility treatments. I am lucky that I am young, otherwise healthy and have a job that I really enjoy and a wonderful husband. I am lucky my family is happy and relatively healthy (with the exception of my obviously clinically depressed brother-in-law who took his own life in June). I have a great deal to be thankful for.

Maybe those embies weren’t the baby I will love someday, but I will find that baby, even if I have to bring an orphan from another country into my home I will find that baby.

Of course, I still don’t have my beta test, so fingers crossed that my pee just doesn’t make an HPT turn positive. That would be the best outcome yet. If it is negative though, I’m ready for it.