For some reason, today has been difficult for me. I think I have just the wrong combination of lupron and estrogen that is clashing and causing me some hormonal spurts, but more significantly TW and I had a conversation about adoption/fostering which left me feeling a bit empty.
I have been adament about keeping my chin up throughout this process, but the only way I can do that is if I have a "Plan B" out there to fall back on if my next treatment fails. I have been thinking adoption is my next "Plan B", however, when discussing this with TW today, he wasn't sold. He asked if we could first exhaust all the options that he is comfortable with before moving on to the options he is less comfortable with. I always knew where he stood on adoption and particularly on fostering (not totally against it, but not totally comfortable with it), but I guess I just felt like he was coming around.
In some ways, I'm wondering if this revelation is a good thing. It almost makes me look at this FET and potentially future IVF's in a more positive light. It simply has to work. Unfortunately, I read enough infertilty blogs to know that it does not HAVE to work. It certainly could, but there are so many couples who are left empty-armed after multiple IVF/FET, Donor Egg, Donor Sperm, etc etc. I'm just so devastated that I'm being faced with a possibility of being childless.
Now, TW is very likely to be more interested in adoption if and when that becomes our only option. He's just nervous about being able to unconditionally love a child who isn't his flesh and blood. I know he would love that child, but he is concerned, so I need to be sensitive to that.
I just need to know I'll be a mother someday to someone. Why does it have to be so hard?
About Me
- 30SomethingDINK
- I am a 30-something FORMER DINK (Double Income, No Kids) who welcomed our first child on August 1st, 2011 following many years of infertility. I am married to a wonderful (though somewhat work-a-holic) husband and daddy. This is my journal to help me stay sane through the trials of infertility, pregnancy and motherhood. We have unexplained infertility. After enduring IVF #1 failure, we miraculously became pregnant from FET #1, and we were overjoyed to welcome our little one August 1st of 2011.
I am sorry to read of your struggle. I do not know IF in the traditional sense. I am more familiar with preterm labor losses. I am familiar with the road to adoption. I think a little apprehension is normal. It's a fear of the unknown.
ReplyDeleteI think for women (at least me) I obsessed. Wanting a baby is an all consuming endeavor. Last thing you think of at night, first thing in the morning. I think it's different for men. I think men feel like, "We're doing what we need to do, why worry about what the next step will be before we get there". At least that is my experience.
Cheering you on...
Thank you for the supportive words. I think you're right about the difference between men and women as it relates to our outlook on the road to parenthood.
ReplyDeleteIt is comforting to know that my husband isn't just a scrooge, :) and that other men probably have a similar way of handling it.
Good luck to you! I am very interested to know how your adoption experience goes.
Our "Plan B" is donor embryos, as our clinic has a great program. My husband and I both want our child to be properly nourished during pregnancy, but we are okay if the child doesn't share our genes.
ReplyDeleteHopefully your FET will work out, and you can stick to "Plan A".