Good News!

The beta number is in……7100!! I was really hoping for a number between 3500-6000, so I am completely shocked at 7100. The nurse also told me that the doctor agreed to do an ultrasound on December 13th which is a week earlier than originally planned. This will allow me to have the ultrasound and then the infusion right afterwards (assuming all is well with the heartbeats).

So tell me why I’m still so scared. I am really trying to be relaxed and enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, but the doubts begin infesting my mind every time I Google ANYTHING related to pregnancy. My best advice to anyone who is an infertility graduate – Stay off the internet. I’m going to try to follow my own advice because I simply cannot keep reading about seemingly perfect pregnancies that end in heartbreaking miscarriages.

I think I will really feel much better if I can see those heartbeats. There is so much evidence that once the fetus has a heartbeat the chance of miscarriage drops significantly. I don’t think that will take away my concerns completely, but I feel like that will help some.

I am feeling even queasier than I was a few days ago. I fully expect this to get worse before it gets better, but I appreciate the reminder that things are happening in there. It is funny how good it makes me feel when I feel bad.

I can always find something to stress about. In between my concerns that the pregnancy will not ultimately produce a viable baby, I stress about my car and daycare costs. We recently traded in our SUV for a cute, sexy little black sedan. This car is awesome for driving around and I love it, but I can’t help but wonder where the heck I’m going to put two carseats in there. (Still thinking this is twins, but we have no confirmation). I think we’re going to have to get a bigger car, I just wish we hadn’t only 6 months ago traded in my perfect SUV!

Then I begin to stress about the daycare. I love the little center that is walking distance from my home, but it closes at 6:30 and I don’t get off work til 5:30 and I have an hour commute. This means that I will either have to change my hours (probably not a big deal) or find a daycare closer to work. There is a great daycare in my building but the cost is almost twice as much. It would be tempting though if it were only one baby because I could literally go see the baby at lunch to nurse and play, and I would be with him/her all the way to and from work each day (not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing for a baby to endure 2 hours in the car each day). Changing jobs is not an option. My insurance costs me only $25/month to cover the whole family, the salary is not bad, and my job is so easy to walk away from each day. No stress once I get home at night unlike my more “important” previous position.

I need to find a “zen” place to rest my body for the next several months. I need to let go of the car concerns. My husband can figure that out. He is good at it and he will make the right decision. The daycare concerns will be sorted out in a few months. It’s simply not worthwhile to worry about this right now. Zen Zen Zen. I wonder if they make a Circle + Bloom series for early pregnancy. That is what I need.

Beta Numbers!

The last week has been a bit of a blur with the holiday and having company etc. To bring everything up to date…I went in last Monday for my first beta, which I knew would be positive based on the tests I did at home. That test came back at 523 and my doctor told me we might be dealing with multiples.


I had been feeling a bit queasy off and on and tired off and on, so when I felt fine Tuesday and Wednesday I started to get nervous, but Wednesday’s beta came back at 1037! I was overcome with relief. For some reason I was just so scared that the pregnancy had just disappeared.

Today I went in for beta number 3. We have had 5 days pass since my last beta, so we’re hoping for something between 4000-6000. I suppose it could be lower than that if I did have multiples in there before and one of them failed to develop or is in the process of failing. I’m sitting by the phone waiting for the nurse to call.

In addition to the all-important beta number, she will also let me know when my first ultrasound will be. Usually they do the first ultrasound 4 weeks from the first beta! I thought this sounded like such a long time to wait. I really want to know how many are in there and whether we have heartbeats before December 20th!

Since I have to get my next intra-lipid infusion between December 10th and December 14th, I’ve asked for my ultrasound before that. There is no sense in taking a ½ day off work, getting an IV infusion for 3 hours and paying out of pocket for the pleasure of all that if I don’t have those heartbeats. By December 13th I should be right at 7 weeks, so we certainly should be able to see them if they’re there.

Hoping for an ultrasound on Dec 13th and a beta of 6000!

BFP! I'm in disbelief

Maybe I should have posted this right away when I got my first BFP, so I could have captured those first raw feelings, but I was almost afraid to do anything for fear that the line may not be there the next day. The second day I saw that beautiful line again and still worried that it could begin to get fainter and fainter. Today, the line is much darker and while I’m still taking this day by day, I’m going to go ahead and post this so I can begin to journal my feelings. After all, that is really what this blog is for me, a journal to help me remember what my feelings were at different points in my journey.


I can tell you that my feelings today are of overwhelming gratitude and relief and excitement. Unlike the blissful fertile, bopping around looking at maternity clothes and cribs and dreaming about baby names, I will just be cautiously optimistic for a while, maybe until I’m giving birth to a live baby.


The one thing I can say for absolutely certain…we’ve never been this far before. That is huge for me. I know that there are people who experience chemical pregnancies and miscarriages and they may think I’m crazy, but I view this as taking a step forward. Don’t get me wrong, I will be absolutely crushed if anything happens to that beautiful pee-stained second line, but I will have been given a gift of hope…the hope that I can one day have a pregnancy that will reach my ultimate goal of a live baby.


So, getting down to business here. The picture below is 5dp5dt. The line is quite difficult to see on the screen and it was definitely faint on the test, but I think it was easier to see in person.

This picture (see below) is today’s test. The line is really getting darker.

As much as I would love to have very little nausea during this pregnancy, like every other woman grasping at straws, when I feel it, I’m a little excited. I honestly didn’t think I would feel any until 6 weeks, but today, I definitely was queasy. It was not debilitating and I’m sure it’s going to get worse, but it was uncomfortable enough that I know I was not imagining it. I was definitely shaky and had that throat closing feeling where you’re burping a lot and breathing through it. The good news was eating a little helped and it passed by 10 or 11am and I haven’t felt it again today.

Can't wait to test tomorrow morning!

4dp5dt

I’m scared I will get a BFN if I test.

I’m scared this FET won’t work.

I’m scared I will never get pregnant.

I’m scared I will spend tons of money trying to get pregnant and never be successful.

I’m scared I will make the wrong decision about pursuing further treatment, trying donor eggs or moving towards adoption.

I’m scared my husband will not be comfortable with the options I want to pursue to become a mother. I’m scared that will cause me to resent him and destroy our relationship.

I’m scared I will be unfulfilled in my life as I wander aimlessly in search of a child.

I’m scared I will be old and alone.

3dp5dt (Three Days Past 5 Day Transfer)

Well here I am at 3 days past my day 5 transfer, and I’m obsessing. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, but I cannot stop Googling 3dp5dt symptoms, 3dp5dt BFP, 3 blasts transferred + triplets and other variations of this. I am once again torn between testing frequently to try to find out as early as possible and holding out as long as I can in order to avoid early BFN’s that aren’t reliable and maintain a positive outlook for the well being of my embies and their environment. I don’t know what to do, so I think I’ll wait it out until I can’t wait any longer. Maybe Friday or Saturday? That would make me 7dp5dt. It would HAVE to show a BFP by then if we were successful right?




I’m having such a wonderful time pretending to be pregnant with triplets. Of course, I really hope that if this works, we only get one or two, but triplets is better than none. I have been talking to them, telling them what we’re going to have for lunch, imagining myself holding their adorable little chubby bodies in a onesie, telling them how excited I am to meet them. I’m sure some psychiatrists would feel this is good evidence to have me committed, but I am loving it. It’s just so nice to know that it’s not just me today, there are 3 little beings with me, that I’m protecting and nurturing.



I can’t believe how many exceedingly positive things I have read on the internet about blastocyst transfers. Enough to make me a little scared that we put 3 in there. I also saw the one hatching which was just amazing. I mean, I have to believe that little guy was going to get in there and find a nice warm place to snuggle him up since he just hatched. It looked just like this.

I’m just feeling so good right now. I obviously want this to work, but even if it doesn’t I don’t feel that upset about enduring this process again, despite the fact that we’re totally out of pocket next time. I just feel positive. One thing I’ve noticed as I scour the internet for people’s stories about their road to parenthood…Not ONE of them ends up being completely denied of the privilege of being a parent. Each and every one of them either gets pregnant eventually (on their own, maybe using donor eggs, using a surrogate, etc), or if they cannot bring to life a biological (or semi-biological) child, then they adopt domestically or internationally or through the foster system, whatever. There are no couples out there with empty arms if they really want this badly. That is so completely comforting to me.



Well, I’m off to obsess some more. I’m feeding the little ones some Italian food for dinner at our little neighborhood restaurant. It seems so warm and comforting.  I’m sure they will enjoy it (and I know I will). I only wish I could have wine, but I think I might splurge and have a diet coke. I haven’t had one in months.

FET #1 Transfer

Babies on board! Or embryos anyway... Our three little frosties all survived the thaw, and were positioned perfectly into my uterus yesterday!

I'm very excited about this time for many reasons.

1. My embryos are blasts this time, not day 3, so I feel we have more reason to believe they have the strength to survive.

2. We put three in instead of two, how can our chances not be better with three.

3. The embryologist almost seemed nervous to put all three in. She kept telling us how great they looked and how strong they were. She was definitely wanting us to think hard about the risk of multiples.

I have a good feeling about this time though. I really do.

So the day started out annoyingly with a trip to the dentist to adjust the bite on a filling from earlier in the week. Once I got through that, we headed over to the cancer center at the hospital to receive my intra lipid infusion.  I wasn't really nervous about this, but it took the nurses three IV's to get a vein that would allow saline to be pushed through it.  They were able to get into the vein, just not get the vein to cooperate.  The first one didn't hurt, but the second one hurt a lot, then I was super nervous about the third one, which was painful, but not terrible. 

Once they got everything in, the infusion itself was no big deal.  I took my blanket and pillow, reclined in my chair and listened to my Circle and Bloom Transfer session.  It was a great one.  I loved the parts about sending the warmth from your hand to the uterus. 

After the infusion, we went over to the R.E.'s office.  I was determined to regulate my bladder, so I wouldn't be as uncomfortable as I was last time.  I got my blood drawn and then was given my valium.  This time, they gave the valium time to sink in.  It was soooo much better than last time.  I was feeling very relaxed and I was really enjoying myself by the time they were ready to take me in. 

They took us in and we got to see the three embryos under the microscope (one was already hatching, so it looked like four), then we were ready to get started.  The speculum, just like last time, was really uncomfortable.  I don't know why that it so bad, but the whole thing is really unpleasant. 

TW is not into coddling me, so he usually gives me his hand to hold, but he's not overly attentive or anything, but there was this extra nurse in the room (I have no idea why), but she came up and was rubbing my arm and encouraging me and telling me to take slow deep breaths.  It was really, really nice.  It made me think seriously about hiring a doula should I ever succeed at getting pregnant.

After the transfer, they wheeled me back into the room and had me lay there for supposedly 10 minutes, then I would have a chance to pee, then lay for another 45 minutes or so.  Well, they had a few transfers that day and they TOTALLY forgot to let me pee.  Finally after about 35 minutes, when I thought I was going to wet the bed, I asked TW to go find someone.  He came back eating some candy from the front desk (odd, I didn't send him for candy or to the front desk), and the promise that someone was right behind him. 

They did show up and let me go, but I was kind of pissed about them forgetting about me.  The biggest annoyance was that I was waiting to pee, so I could come back to the room and listen to the Circle and Bloom transfer session again.  I couldn't relax enough to listen before I peed, but after I came back they told me I was pretty much ready to go, so I didn't get to listen to it while I was there.  I was sooo irritated.

That was about it, we drove home and I've been chilling on the couch ever since.

FET Second Ultrasound

I had my second ultrasound this morning, and my lining is 9.7. Apparently the doctor is happy with that, so we are moving forward. We are thawing 3 embryos, and I'm praying that at least one makes it through. One is very good quality, the other two are A-/B+ quality, and we're implanting them all. Part of me is scared of triplets, but there's another part of me that knows it will be great if even one sticks. Twins or triplets would be a challenge, but we would manage.

My transfer is scheduled for Friday at 1pm. I'm having my intra lipid infusion in the morning that day to treat my natural killer cells. I just want to find a way to be more relaxed during the transfer and to be less uncomfortable from the full bladder. I am taking my Circle and Bloom sessions to listen to. There is a designated "Transfer" session which is supposed to keep you relaxed. The valium should help too if they give it to me in time. I'm going to ask for it as soon as I get there.

PIO shots start on Sunday, so I'm not too excited about that, but the rest of it is exciting.

Tough Day

For some reason, today has been difficult for me. I think I have just the wrong combination of lupron and estrogen that is clashing and causing me some hormonal spurts, but more significantly TW and I had a conversation about adoption/fostering which left me feeling a bit empty.

I have been adament about keeping my chin up throughout this process, but the only way I can do that is if I have a "Plan B" out there to fall back on if my next treatment fails. I have been thinking adoption is my next "Plan B", however, when discussing this with TW today, he wasn't sold. He asked if we could first exhaust all the options that he is comfortable with before moving on to the options he is less comfortable with. I always knew where he stood on adoption and particularly on fostering (not totally against it, but not totally comfortable with it), but I guess I just felt like he was coming around.

In some ways, I'm wondering if this revelation is a good thing. It almost makes me look at this FET and potentially future IVF's in a more positive light. It simply has to work. Unfortunately, I read enough infertilty blogs to know that it does not HAVE to work. It certainly could, but there are so many couples who are left empty-armed after multiple IVF/FET, Donor Egg, Donor Sperm, etc etc. I'm just so devastated that I'm being faced with a possibility of being childless.

Now, TW is very likely to be more interested in adoption if and when that becomes our only option. He's just nervous about being able to unconditionally love a child who isn't his flesh and blood. I know he would love that child, but he is concerned, so I need to be sensitive to that.

I just need to know I'll be a mother someday to someone. Why does it have to be so hard?

Weight Gain??

So all of a sudden I’ve noticed that I’m gaining a couple of pounds. This is very uncommon for me (I’m one of those girls who doesn’t pay any attention to my weight and I can stay in my size 2’s and 4’s without incident). I haven’t changed anything about the way I’m eating or living. In the month of October, I have gained 2.5 pounds. I know this may sound ridiculous, but after watching my sister gain too much weight with her baby and then have to take it off gradually, one pound per week, I’m not interested in letting mine creep up at all.

Maybe I’ve reached the point in my life where I will have to be more aware of what I’m eating. I do eat healthy and try to maintain an active and healthy lifestyle, but I haven’t been exercising strenuously since June due to my job and commute. I need to find a way to fit it in, but I just haven’t yet. I have heard people say that they gain weight with fertility treatments, but when I gained the first of the 2.5 pounds I was actually only taking birth control pills. Oh well! I’m going to start paying attention and make sure that I don’t gain any more.

My cycle is continuing to move forward slowly. I am on one estrogen patch + 10 units of lupron right now and I have my two ultrasounds next week to determine the condition of my lining. I sort of feel like my ovaries are working on building an egg or two, but I suppose with the lupron suppression, even if there was an egg, it wouldn’t be released.

November 12th is transfer day!

On to FET #1

Well my beta test on Wednesday provided the confirmation of the news I was sure I would get...B.F.N. Luckily, this wasn't a surprise to me, I was prepared, and I have embies in the freezer, so the blow was tough, but not impossible to take.

I will say that my butt became so swollen, hard, lumpy and itchy from the Progesterone that I was a little nervous about what would have happened to it if I'd had to continue injections through that mess. Just a tiny silver lining to an otherwise very dark cloud.

We had our WTF appointment with R.E. on Friday. He noted that for 21 eggs, 16 mature, a fertilization number of 15 was great, however, the fact that they began to slow in growth immediately and we were down to 5 in only one day was concerning. He had 3 thoughts:
1. Poor egg quality due to age or environmental effects (radiation or something??)
2. Natural Killer Cells
3. Embryo Toxicity

I am going in tomorrow morning for testing on the Natural Killer cells and the Embryo Toxicity panel. I need to do a great deal more research on both of these conditions, but let me just say that neither would surprise me. I happen to be a resident in my body, and if I had to put my finger on a potential cause to my infertility, my first thought would be immune disorder. I have always struggled more than the average person with allergies. I have horrible eczema on my hands, my body is constantly attacking itself. I have tested positive for anti-thyroid antibodies (yeah, ok body, my thyroid is an invader, go ahead and attack it). I don't obviously want either of these conditions, but I do want an answer to my struggles. Both of these conditions is treatable (not pleasant, but treatable). Let's just say I'm interested to hear the outcome of these tests.

I'm on birth control pills now and prepping for my FET. The crazy thing is, I already know the transfer will be November 12th. How convenient is that?? My boss will never know anything is going on. I have only 2 appointments prior to the transfer, AND the transfer occurs on a Friday, so if I do want to obey and do all 4 days of bedrest, I only miss Friday and Monday. It's awesome. The R.E. wants to transfer all 3 snow-babies if they all survive the thaw. I'm scared of triplets, but let's face it, I'll be lucky to get one out of this. I'm going for it, and if it's triplets, well, maybe my mom and dad will move close by or something. We'll figure it out. At least we won't have to ever worry about getting pregnant again.

Oh and the good news...Chardonnay is allowed for at least 4 weeks!