Good News!

The beta number is in……7100!! I was really hoping for a number between 3500-6000, so I am completely shocked at 7100. The nurse also told me that the doctor agreed to do an ultrasound on December 13th which is a week earlier than originally planned. This will allow me to have the ultrasound and then the infusion right afterwards (assuming all is well with the heartbeats).

So tell me why I’m still so scared. I am really trying to be relaxed and enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, but the doubts begin infesting my mind every time I Google ANYTHING related to pregnancy. My best advice to anyone who is an infertility graduate – Stay off the internet. I’m going to try to follow my own advice because I simply cannot keep reading about seemingly perfect pregnancies that end in heartbreaking miscarriages.

I think I will really feel much better if I can see those heartbeats. There is so much evidence that once the fetus has a heartbeat the chance of miscarriage drops significantly. I don’t think that will take away my concerns completely, but I feel like that will help some.

I am feeling even queasier than I was a few days ago. I fully expect this to get worse before it gets better, but I appreciate the reminder that things are happening in there. It is funny how good it makes me feel when I feel bad.

I can always find something to stress about. In between my concerns that the pregnancy will not ultimately produce a viable baby, I stress about my car and daycare costs. We recently traded in our SUV for a cute, sexy little black sedan. This car is awesome for driving around and I love it, but I can’t help but wonder where the heck I’m going to put two carseats in there. (Still thinking this is twins, but we have no confirmation). I think we’re going to have to get a bigger car, I just wish we hadn’t only 6 months ago traded in my perfect SUV!

Then I begin to stress about the daycare. I love the little center that is walking distance from my home, but it closes at 6:30 and I don’t get off work til 5:30 and I have an hour commute. This means that I will either have to change my hours (probably not a big deal) or find a daycare closer to work. There is a great daycare in my building but the cost is almost twice as much. It would be tempting though if it were only one baby because I could literally go see the baby at lunch to nurse and play, and I would be with him/her all the way to and from work each day (not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing for a baby to endure 2 hours in the car each day). Changing jobs is not an option. My insurance costs me only $25/month to cover the whole family, the salary is not bad, and my job is so easy to walk away from each day. No stress once I get home at night unlike my more “important” previous position.

I need to find a “zen” place to rest my body for the next several months. I need to let go of the car concerns. My husband can figure that out. He is good at it and he will make the right decision. The daycare concerns will be sorted out in a few months. It’s simply not worthwhile to worry about this right now. Zen Zen Zen. I wonder if they make a Circle + Bloom series for early pregnancy. That is what I need.

Beta Numbers!

The last week has been a bit of a blur with the holiday and having company etc. To bring everything up to date…I went in last Monday for my first beta, which I knew would be positive based on the tests I did at home. That test came back at 523 and my doctor told me we might be dealing with multiples.


I had been feeling a bit queasy off and on and tired off and on, so when I felt fine Tuesday and Wednesday I started to get nervous, but Wednesday’s beta came back at 1037! I was overcome with relief. For some reason I was just so scared that the pregnancy had just disappeared.

Today I went in for beta number 3. We have had 5 days pass since my last beta, so we’re hoping for something between 4000-6000. I suppose it could be lower than that if I did have multiples in there before and one of them failed to develop or is in the process of failing. I’m sitting by the phone waiting for the nurse to call.

In addition to the all-important beta number, she will also let me know when my first ultrasound will be. Usually they do the first ultrasound 4 weeks from the first beta! I thought this sounded like such a long time to wait. I really want to know how many are in there and whether we have heartbeats before December 20th!

Since I have to get my next intra-lipid infusion between December 10th and December 14th, I’ve asked for my ultrasound before that. There is no sense in taking a ½ day off work, getting an IV infusion for 3 hours and paying out of pocket for the pleasure of all that if I don’t have those heartbeats. By December 13th I should be right at 7 weeks, so we certainly should be able to see them if they’re there.

Hoping for an ultrasound on Dec 13th and a beta of 6000!

BFP! I'm in disbelief

Maybe I should have posted this right away when I got my first BFP, so I could have captured those first raw feelings, but I was almost afraid to do anything for fear that the line may not be there the next day. The second day I saw that beautiful line again and still worried that it could begin to get fainter and fainter. Today, the line is much darker and while I’m still taking this day by day, I’m going to go ahead and post this so I can begin to journal my feelings. After all, that is really what this blog is for me, a journal to help me remember what my feelings were at different points in my journey.


I can tell you that my feelings today are of overwhelming gratitude and relief and excitement. Unlike the blissful fertile, bopping around looking at maternity clothes and cribs and dreaming about baby names, I will just be cautiously optimistic for a while, maybe until I’m giving birth to a live baby.


The one thing I can say for absolutely certain…we’ve never been this far before. That is huge for me. I know that there are people who experience chemical pregnancies and miscarriages and they may think I’m crazy, but I view this as taking a step forward. Don’t get me wrong, I will be absolutely crushed if anything happens to that beautiful pee-stained second line, but I will have been given a gift of hope…the hope that I can one day have a pregnancy that will reach my ultimate goal of a live baby.


So, getting down to business here. The picture below is 5dp5dt. The line is quite difficult to see on the screen and it was definitely faint on the test, but I think it was easier to see in person.

This picture (see below) is today’s test. The line is really getting darker.

As much as I would love to have very little nausea during this pregnancy, like every other woman grasping at straws, when I feel it, I’m a little excited. I honestly didn’t think I would feel any until 6 weeks, but today, I definitely was queasy. It was not debilitating and I’m sure it’s going to get worse, but it was uncomfortable enough that I know I was not imagining it. I was definitely shaky and had that throat closing feeling where you’re burping a lot and breathing through it. The good news was eating a little helped and it passed by 10 or 11am and I haven’t felt it again today.

Can't wait to test tomorrow morning!

4dp5dt

I’m scared I will get a BFN if I test.

I’m scared this FET won’t work.

I’m scared I will never get pregnant.

I’m scared I will spend tons of money trying to get pregnant and never be successful.

I’m scared I will make the wrong decision about pursuing further treatment, trying donor eggs or moving towards adoption.

I’m scared my husband will not be comfortable with the options I want to pursue to become a mother. I’m scared that will cause me to resent him and destroy our relationship.

I’m scared I will be unfulfilled in my life as I wander aimlessly in search of a child.

I’m scared I will be old and alone.

3dp5dt (Three Days Past 5 Day Transfer)

Well here I am at 3 days past my day 5 transfer, and I’m obsessing. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, but I cannot stop Googling 3dp5dt symptoms, 3dp5dt BFP, 3 blasts transferred + triplets and other variations of this. I am once again torn between testing frequently to try to find out as early as possible and holding out as long as I can in order to avoid early BFN’s that aren’t reliable and maintain a positive outlook for the well being of my embies and their environment. I don’t know what to do, so I think I’ll wait it out until I can’t wait any longer. Maybe Friday or Saturday? That would make me 7dp5dt. It would HAVE to show a BFP by then if we were successful right?




I’m having such a wonderful time pretending to be pregnant with triplets. Of course, I really hope that if this works, we only get one or two, but triplets is better than none. I have been talking to them, telling them what we’re going to have for lunch, imagining myself holding their adorable little chubby bodies in a onesie, telling them how excited I am to meet them. I’m sure some psychiatrists would feel this is good evidence to have me committed, but I am loving it. It’s just so nice to know that it’s not just me today, there are 3 little beings with me, that I’m protecting and nurturing.



I can’t believe how many exceedingly positive things I have read on the internet about blastocyst transfers. Enough to make me a little scared that we put 3 in there. I also saw the one hatching which was just amazing. I mean, I have to believe that little guy was going to get in there and find a nice warm place to snuggle him up since he just hatched. It looked just like this.

I’m just feeling so good right now. I obviously want this to work, but even if it doesn’t I don’t feel that upset about enduring this process again, despite the fact that we’re totally out of pocket next time. I just feel positive. One thing I’ve noticed as I scour the internet for people’s stories about their road to parenthood…Not ONE of them ends up being completely denied of the privilege of being a parent. Each and every one of them either gets pregnant eventually (on their own, maybe using donor eggs, using a surrogate, etc), or if they cannot bring to life a biological (or semi-biological) child, then they adopt domestically or internationally or through the foster system, whatever. There are no couples out there with empty arms if they really want this badly. That is so completely comforting to me.



Well, I’m off to obsess some more. I’m feeding the little ones some Italian food for dinner at our little neighborhood restaurant. It seems so warm and comforting.  I’m sure they will enjoy it (and I know I will). I only wish I could have wine, but I think I might splurge and have a diet coke. I haven’t had one in months.

FET #1 Transfer

Babies on board! Or embryos anyway... Our three little frosties all survived the thaw, and were positioned perfectly into my uterus yesterday!

I'm very excited about this time for many reasons.

1. My embryos are blasts this time, not day 3, so I feel we have more reason to believe they have the strength to survive.

2. We put three in instead of two, how can our chances not be better with three.

3. The embryologist almost seemed nervous to put all three in. She kept telling us how great they looked and how strong they were. She was definitely wanting us to think hard about the risk of multiples.

I have a good feeling about this time though. I really do.

So the day started out annoyingly with a trip to the dentist to adjust the bite on a filling from earlier in the week. Once I got through that, we headed over to the cancer center at the hospital to receive my intra lipid infusion.  I wasn't really nervous about this, but it took the nurses three IV's to get a vein that would allow saline to be pushed through it.  They were able to get into the vein, just not get the vein to cooperate.  The first one didn't hurt, but the second one hurt a lot, then I was super nervous about the third one, which was painful, but not terrible. 

Once they got everything in, the infusion itself was no big deal.  I took my blanket and pillow, reclined in my chair and listened to my Circle and Bloom Transfer session.  It was a great one.  I loved the parts about sending the warmth from your hand to the uterus. 

After the infusion, we went over to the R.E.'s office.  I was determined to regulate my bladder, so I wouldn't be as uncomfortable as I was last time.  I got my blood drawn and then was given my valium.  This time, they gave the valium time to sink in.  It was soooo much better than last time.  I was feeling very relaxed and I was really enjoying myself by the time they were ready to take me in. 

They took us in and we got to see the three embryos under the microscope (one was already hatching, so it looked like four), then we were ready to get started.  The speculum, just like last time, was really uncomfortable.  I don't know why that it so bad, but the whole thing is really unpleasant. 

TW is not into coddling me, so he usually gives me his hand to hold, but he's not overly attentive or anything, but there was this extra nurse in the room (I have no idea why), but she came up and was rubbing my arm and encouraging me and telling me to take slow deep breaths.  It was really, really nice.  It made me think seriously about hiring a doula should I ever succeed at getting pregnant.

After the transfer, they wheeled me back into the room and had me lay there for supposedly 10 minutes, then I would have a chance to pee, then lay for another 45 minutes or so.  Well, they had a few transfers that day and they TOTALLY forgot to let me pee.  Finally after about 35 minutes, when I thought I was going to wet the bed, I asked TW to go find someone.  He came back eating some candy from the front desk (odd, I didn't send him for candy or to the front desk), and the promise that someone was right behind him. 

They did show up and let me go, but I was kind of pissed about them forgetting about me.  The biggest annoyance was that I was waiting to pee, so I could come back to the room and listen to the Circle and Bloom transfer session again.  I couldn't relax enough to listen before I peed, but after I came back they told me I was pretty much ready to go, so I didn't get to listen to it while I was there.  I was sooo irritated.

That was about it, we drove home and I've been chilling on the couch ever since.

FET Second Ultrasound

I had my second ultrasound this morning, and my lining is 9.7. Apparently the doctor is happy with that, so we are moving forward. We are thawing 3 embryos, and I'm praying that at least one makes it through. One is very good quality, the other two are A-/B+ quality, and we're implanting them all. Part of me is scared of triplets, but there's another part of me that knows it will be great if even one sticks. Twins or triplets would be a challenge, but we would manage.

My transfer is scheduled for Friday at 1pm. I'm having my intra lipid infusion in the morning that day to treat my natural killer cells. I just want to find a way to be more relaxed during the transfer and to be less uncomfortable from the full bladder. I am taking my Circle and Bloom sessions to listen to. There is a designated "Transfer" session which is supposed to keep you relaxed. The valium should help too if they give it to me in time. I'm going to ask for it as soon as I get there.

PIO shots start on Sunday, so I'm not too excited about that, but the rest of it is exciting.

Tough Day

For some reason, today has been difficult for me. I think I have just the wrong combination of lupron and estrogen that is clashing and causing me some hormonal spurts, but more significantly TW and I had a conversation about adoption/fostering which left me feeling a bit empty.

I have been adament about keeping my chin up throughout this process, but the only way I can do that is if I have a "Plan B" out there to fall back on if my next treatment fails. I have been thinking adoption is my next "Plan B", however, when discussing this with TW today, he wasn't sold. He asked if we could first exhaust all the options that he is comfortable with before moving on to the options he is less comfortable with. I always knew where he stood on adoption and particularly on fostering (not totally against it, but not totally comfortable with it), but I guess I just felt like he was coming around.

In some ways, I'm wondering if this revelation is a good thing. It almost makes me look at this FET and potentially future IVF's in a more positive light. It simply has to work. Unfortunately, I read enough infertilty blogs to know that it does not HAVE to work. It certainly could, but there are so many couples who are left empty-armed after multiple IVF/FET, Donor Egg, Donor Sperm, etc etc. I'm just so devastated that I'm being faced with a possibility of being childless.

Now, TW is very likely to be more interested in adoption if and when that becomes our only option. He's just nervous about being able to unconditionally love a child who isn't his flesh and blood. I know he would love that child, but he is concerned, so I need to be sensitive to that.

I just need to know I'll be a mother someday to someone. Why does it have to be so hard?

Weight Gain??

So all of a sudden I’ve noticed that I’m gaining a couple of pounds. This is very uncommon for me (I’m one of those girls who doesn’t pay any attention to my weight and I can stay in my size 2’s and 4’s without incident). I haven’t changed anything about the way I’m eating or living. In the month of October, I have gained 2.5 pounds. I know this may sound ridiculous, but after watching my sister gain too much weight with her baby and then have to take it off gradually, one pound per week, I’m not interested in letting mine creep up at all.

Maybe I’ve reached the point in my life where I will have to be more aware of what I’m eating. I do eat healthy and try to maintain an active and healthy lifestyle, but I haven’t been exercising strenuously since June due to my job and commute. I need to find a way to fit it in, but I just haven’t yet. I have heard people say that they gain weight with fertility treatments, but when I gained the first of the 2.5 pounds I was actually only taking birth control pills. Oh well! I’m going to start paying attention and make sure that I don’t gain any more.

My cycle is continuing to move forward slowly. I am on one estrogen patch + 10 units of lupron right now and I have my two ultrasounds next week to determine the condition of my lining. I sort of feel like my ovaries are working on building an egg or two, but I suppose with the lupron suppression, even if there was an egg, it wouldn’t be released.

November 12th is transfer day!

Immune Issues, Adoption, Another Friend Joins The BFP Club

This morning I found out that a good friend of mine just got a faint BFP at 10DPO. I’ve been talking to her daily about temping and cervical mucous and everything else relating to fertility signs. She’s been obsessed with making this baby. It was actually to the point where I said the words I swore I would never say. “Maybe this month you should just relax a little, have a little wine and some candlelight and less obsessing”. But guess what! When fertiles obsess…they still get pregnant! I really am happy for her and I’m sort of relieved that the obsessing is over, but it just reminds me once again that this is an easy road for most people. I can’t help but feel a little bewildered about why I was saddled with this condition. I even got really excited with her and started thinking about all the great new things that were going to happen in the next few months and how her life was going to change. Then it hit me (harder than it usually does)…when is my life going to change?

Enough pity partying.

On to more productive things! Like fixing this stupid problem I have. Two out of three of my immune tests came back earlier this week (I’m still waiting on the Embryo Toxicity test), but both of the first 2 were positive. Now, positive is a relative term. I feel the results are very borderline, unless I’m misunderstanding something. My Natural Killer Cells were at 10.4%, anything over 10% being abnormal. I’m just not sure I’m convinced that .4% is causing 5+ years of infertility and a failed IVF. Maybe I’m not educated enough on this though. The second test had one of the tests come back positive, which was probably the anti-thyroid antibodies. This is no big surprise, I already knew I had this and we’ve been treating it. The nurse was so optimistic, telling me that this may be my reason. I can’t seem to get excited about it though.

We have a doctor appointment on Monday to discuss the results and the intravenous infusion treatment. I’m praying the insurance covers it because I’m really not sure I even need it at this point.

I’m seriously thinking about Korean adoption right now. The biggest problem we have is that despite our long relationship and living together for the past 4.5 years, TW and I were not legally married until April of 2010. Most of these adoption agencies require 3-5 years before you can get started (especially when you have a divorce in your past, like I do). I’m wondering if you can get the first items underway before you reach that point knowing that you’ll be waiting a year for a placement. I probably need to speak to an agency, but I feel it’s important to really be ready to move forward with adoption instead of still holding out hope that I’ll conceive our own biological children. I also have to convince TW. He’s just not quite there yet on the adoption thing.

On to FET #1

Well my beta test on Wednesday provided the confirmation of the news I was sure I would get...B.F.N. Luckily, this wasn't a surprise to me, I was prepared, and I have embies in the freezer, so the blow was tough, but not impossible to take.

I will say that my butt became so swollen, hard, lumpy and itchy from the Progesterone that I was a little nervous about what would have happened to it if I'd had to continue injections through that mess. Just a tiny silver lining to an otherwise very dark cloud.

We had our WTF appointment with R.E. on Friday. He noted that for 21 eggs, 16 mature, a fertilization number of 15 was great, however, the fact that they began to slow in growth immediately and we were down to 5 in only one day was concerning. He had 3 thoughts:
1. Poor egg quality due to age or environmental effects (radiation or something??)
2. Natural Killer Cells
3. Embryo Toxicity

I am going in tomorrow morning for testing on the Natural Killer cells and the Embryo Toxicity panel. I need to do a great deal more research on both of these conditions, but let me just say that neither would surprise me. I happen to be a resident in my body, and if I had to put my finger on a potential cause to my infertility, my first thought would be immune disorder. I have always struggled more than the average person with allergies. I have horrible eczema on my hands, my body is constantly attacking itself. I have tested positive for anti-thyroid antibodies (yeah, ok body, my thyroid is an invader, go ahead and attack it). I don't obviously want either of these conditions, but I do want an answer to my struggles. Both of these conditions is treatable (not pleasant, but treatable). Let's just say I'm interested to hear the outcome of these tests.

I'm on birth control pills now and prepping for my FET. The crazy thing is, I already know the transfer will be November 12th. How convenient is that?? My boss will never know anything is going on. I have only 2 appointments prior to the transfer, AND the transfer occurs on a Friday, so if I do want to obey and do all 4 days of bedrest, I only miss Friday and Monday. It's awesome. The R.E. wants to transfer all 3 snow-babies if they all survive the thaw. I'm scared of triplets, but let's face it, I'll be lucky to get one out of this. I'm going for it, and if it's triplets, well, maybe my mom and dad will move close by or something. We'll figure it out. At least we won't have to ever worry about getting pregnant again.

Oh and the good news...Chardonnay is allowed for at least 4 weeks!

10DP3DT (10 Days Past 3 Day Transfer) BFN...

I tested again today with FMU…BFN. This has me disappointed, but I spent yesterday picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting ready to move forward. There are so many things in life that aren’t fair, this is just a hiccup.

My niece will grow up without her father because he decided to take his own life when the going got tough. That’s not fair. A beautiful young life of a friend was ended by a freak cancer cell still hanging arund in his body 10 years after he was last treated. His wife is pregnant with their first child; a child who will never know his father. That is not fair. My cousin lost her otherwise healthy and strong husband at 33 to an aneurism. That is not fair.

The fact that I have a little more difficulty conceiving and carrying a child…yeah, that’s not fair, but guess what, life’s not fair. I think wallowing in self-pity is one of the most unproductive ways I can spend this time. I am lucky that my insurance covers about 70% of this process (at least this time). I am lucky that even if they didn’t, my husband and I could afford to have fertility treatments. I am lucky that I am young, otherwise healthy and have a job that I really enjoy and a wonderful husband. I am lucky my family is happy and relatively healthy (with the exception of my obviously clinically depressed brother-in-law who took his own life in June). I have a great deal to be thankful for.

Maybe those embies weren’t the baby I will love someday, but I will find that baby, even if I have to bring an orphan from another country into my home I will find that baby.

Of course, I still don’t have my beta test, so fingers crossed that my pee just doesn’t make an HPT turn positive. That would be the best outcome yet. If it is negative though, I’m ready for it.

9DP3DT (9 Days Past 3 Day Transfer)

Tested today on First Response Early Result...BFN. I'm still a teensy tiny bit hopeful that it was too early, but in my heart of hearts, I feel this is over. My boobs aren't as sore as they were earlier in the 2WW, and I'm just not convinced that the test would be negative today if this was a successful cycle.

I'm already moving on to my next cycle in my mind. I'm planning out when I'll be out of work, and figuring out when my next retrieval will be. I think if I can get the insurance to cover it again, I'll do another fresh cycle.

BFN's suck, but they suck even worse when you can't drown your sorrows in a chilled Chardonnay, and you still have to have your husband stick a needle in your ass, until the doctor draws your blood and confirms your (bleak) fate.

Transfer Day!

The last thing I reported here was that I had 21 eggs retrieved. This was great news! Then the next day, more great news, 15 eggs were fertilized! I felt like it was Christmas in August. I was scheduled for a 5 day transfer (Yay! My favorite nurse is there on Mondays).

Then on Friday, I got the less exciting call. My 15 beautiful eggs were not “responding well to the lab” and they were moving my transfer up to day 3 (which was a Saturday...with Bitchy Nurse) since we only had 2 good quality eggs left. I suppose I was getting a bit greedy with the 15, but honestly, this news crushed me. So, I suffered through the evening even getting kind of emotional letting a few tears trickle down unexpectedly in the middle of a restaurant(the progesterone, not my normal style).

The morning on Saturday was great, I went to starbucks and enjoyed a small decaf coffee with a croissant on the way into the center . When we arrived, we learned that 5 of the slower responding embryos had improved greatly and we now had a total of 7 embryos with 8 cells! I’m happy again, of course, it’s still sad to see so many die off, but we knew my eggs weren’t perfect or I wouldn’t be in the IVF clinic in the first place. We decided to transfer the 2 best quality embryos and try to get as many of the other to blasts as possible so we could freeze them.

The transfer was ok. I was hoping for a little more “drunkenness” from the valium, but it was weak. In fact, I didn’t really feel it at all. I had been drinking water on the way in, so I had to pee pretty bad, which is what they want. I undressed from the waist down and put on the little robe and waited for the big moment. We were taken into the transfer room and the lights were lowered. The embryologist brought in my babies, and we were able to see them both in the microscope. It was amazing. The earliest form of human life with TW and my genetic make up. Crazy!

I got back onto my little bed and my legs were once again strapped into the stirrups. They began the sonogram to make sure my bladder was full (I could have told them that, but go ahead and push that thing down on there hard). I was really not relaxed at all. I expected to be practically slobbering from the valium and that just wasn’t the case. I found the speculum to be more uncomfortable than usual and the catheter leading into my uterus to also be uncomfortable. Neither was a big deal, but just unexpected. Once everything was in place the embryologist handed my day 3 babies to the doctor in a syringe with a bubble of air preceding them and another bubble behind them to indicate their position.

At this point the bitch nurse really started pushing on my bladder. I was really in some actual pain from this bladder issue. I still hadn’t totally recovered from the urinary catheter on retrieval day, so that may have exacerbated the situation. I was clinging to TW’s hand for some comfort and not really looking at the screen, but he was able to see the whole thing and was amazed by the process. We tucked those little embies into their uterus bed and then they wheeled me out of the room. The bitch nurse left me for maybe 10 minutes where I was nearly trembling from the need to relieve myself. Once she returned, she sent me into the porn restroom, which I found to be hilarious, but also slightly revolting. The videos in there were laughable; I seriously wish I could remember some of the ridiculous names. Note to on site sperm producing men...bring your own porn. I walked back to my little room and stayed for another 45 minutes or so. I was finally feeling a little tired from the valium, so the time went by quickly. Then they released us.

Retrieval Day!

Retrieval Day was very exciting. We had to be at the R.E.’s office at 6:45am, so we woke up early to get ready and get the sperm safely in their little cup. Once we got there, I had to get weighed, blood pressure taken, etc, then was escorted back to a little room with a couple of comfy chairs, a tv and a bed. There I got to change into my gown and socks, then we sat and waited until the anesthesiologist arrived. It was freezing in that room and I was a little (or a lot) nervous, so became a little bitchy.

Once the anesthesiologist arrived, we went over the details of what he would be doing, and I was taken into the surgical suite. They put my arms and legs in their proper spaces and belted me all in. It sounds scary, and I am very claustrophobic, but it really wasn’t. I wasn’t strapped in too tight, it made me feel safe like a seat belt, not constricted. The anesthesiologist numbed my hand, then inserted my IV. No big deal, just a little burning with the lidocaine and then that weird feeling of cold liquid entering your bloodstream. Then he started talking to me about wine and whether I was a white or a red wine girl…which is the last thing I remember.

I woke up to the awesome news that 21 eggs were retrieved. TW was so sweet and nice to me. I was totally still drunk from all the meds, but came out of it pretty quickly. I did have pain that was worse than I had imagined but they gave me a Tylenol with codeine and it definitely helped. I stayed in that room eating crackers and drinking orange juice for probably 1-1/2 to 2 hours. At some point my nurse came in and removed my catheter. This part sucked. I’ve never had a catheter and I hated it. It wasn’t that painful having it removed, but it burned. Then she had me try to pee. I was able to get some out, but it burned really badly. After that, they let me go home.

I was prescribed two different medicines to keep me from having too much fluid build up. I went home and really tried to keep drinking as much as I could, but it burned so bad to pee and I seemed to have to go every 30 minutes or so. It was very annoying. I also had a great deal of ovary pain, so I had to just take it easy all day. By last night I was feeling a little better, but very bloated, and I was wishing that I could stay home another day. I was able to get to sleep very easily (residual effect from the anesthesia I’m sure), but I was up every 2 hours having to pee, so I think one of those pills is like a water pill.

The PIO shot went pretty well last night too. It was a small dose ¼ of a cc, so I’m sure that makes it a little easier. As soon as TW finished the shot I started to rub it and applied a hot compress on it for a maybe 30 minutes. I even used a back massager on the area for a while. This morning, I couldn’t feel it at all, but this afternoon, I am starting to notice some soreness. I’m nervous the larger dose will cause more discomfort, but hopefully it will result in a beautiful baby, and then I won’t care. The shots are nasty and I hate them, but they don’t hurt really. They just feel gross.

Today I woke up feeling ok, still sore, but mostly ok. I was moving a lot slower than normal, but I was able to get ready in time. I’m still having trouble with the pee situation. I almost had to have TW stop on the way in to work to let me go, and I had just gone right before I left. I’m really hoping this part resolves itself quickly. All in all, I can’t really complain. It was an experience that I survived, I wouldn’t be too upset if I had to repeat it and the outcome was very good.

Day 6 of Stims

Yesterday’s appointment went so much better than Monday’s. My arm is starting to get really sore, so I think we’re going to have to switch to my left arm for tomorrow’s blood draw. My vein in the left arm is a little less accessible, but I think that would be worth it to save me the trouble on my right.

Of course, I’m obsessing as I think every IVF patient does. My estrogen was much better, up to 203 yesterday. This was more than double Monday’s number, so I feel really good about it. I would like it to be a little higher, but I certainly don’t want OHSS, so as long as things are growing and developing, I’m ok with a teensy bit lower E2 level. Because my stats were pretty good yesterday, my dosages stayed the same, which is exactly what I wanted to have happen. I think I’m hoping for an E2 level of about 550 tomorrow, but I have no idea if that’s good or bad for this stage of the game and the nurses seem to guard that information like it’s a national security item.

So on Day 6 of stims I had 13 eggs growing. After obsessively searching the internet I’ve learned exactly nothing that would help me to determine what that might mean for me from a fertilization perspective. Maybe they’ll retrieve them all, maybe there will be more before retrieval, maybe they won’t retrieve them all. Maybe they’ll all be mature, maybe only ½ will be mature. Maybe all the mature ones will fertilize, maybe none of them will, and who will EVER know what the quality of any of them will be. In conclusion, I could have 20 embryos or zero embryos on transfer day. Talk about not having control of something!

Last night my belly was sticking out like I was already pregnant. I have to admit I kind of enjoyed this look, but since I’m not pregnant, and barely halfway through my stims, it concerned me slightly. I’m not sure how I’m going to hide a massive (non-pregnant) belly, so hopefully it doesn’t get too big and doesn’t last too long.

I had to order 3 more vials of Follistim yesterday as well. I probably could have squeaked by on 2, since I have an extra 300 in the fridge, but I don’t mind having an extra vial in the event this doesn’t work and we’re on our own next cycle. I think I’ll attempt to order as many meds as possible before we lose our insurance so we can take the most advantage of this coverage. Once again I need to remind myself how very blessed we are that we have coverage, even though it is going away.

Day 6 Stims Stats
Estrogen – 203 (up from >90 on Monday)
Follicles – We saw 7 on my right ovary, and 6 on my left ovary (thankfully, lefty finally showed her face)
New Lupron Dose – 2.5 units – Same as before
New Follistin Dose – 225 AM and 225 PM – Same as before

E2 and Insurance

I received my bloodwork results from yesterday and experienced déjà vu. Last time I used injectibles it was for an IUI cycle, so of course things are a little different, but once again, my estrogen is being suppressed by the Lupron.

This was my first monitoring appointment and the doctor is lowering the Lupron dose now and upping the Follistim, so I suppose he is on top of things, but I could have told him this would happen. In fact, I did tell him at my trial transfer. He said with the higher dose of Follistim there shouldn’t be a problem.

It irritates me a little that we are playing around with some of the same issues we had last time. Kind of like…we should have learned about this in practice, but now we’re at the Superbowl, or at least at a playoff game and we’re dealing with it again.

Day 4 Stims Stats
Estrogen – 90 (up from >20 on Friday)
Follicles – We saw 6 on my right ovary, but my left ovary was behind my uterus and totally invisible!
New Lupron Dose – 2.5 units (down from 5 units)
New Follistin Dose – 225 AM and 225 PM (up from 150 PM, AM stayed the same)

I learned today that my company is changing insurance providers. I knew from the beginning that my IVF coverage was a gift that I shouldn’t take for granted, alas, I began to take it for granted. I don’t know much yet about the new plan, and of course, there is a chance it will cover infertility, but I’m not holding my breath.

As much as I would like for this not to cause undue stress, it is. I feel like I am now putting all my eggs (no pun intended) in this one paid IVF basket. I also kind of feel betrayed by the company. Aren’t benefits part of the compensation package? How is it that they can just switch them with only 45 days notice. I know I should not be complaining. One paid cycle is more than most people get.

Of course, if they don’t cover infertility, AND if this cycle is a bust, then I can at least order all my meds for another cycle under this insurance before the switch. That will still save me thousands of dollars.

I need to find a nice, relaxing happy place for my mind to spend the next few weeks. The good news is, no more headaches and my moods seemed to have stabilized.

The Stimming Has Begun

Well my stims have started. I was a little surprised on Friday when they told me there would be an AM shot and a PM shot, plus a Menopur injection for a jump start and my lupron for a grand total of 4 shots a day. I guess it’s not a big deal, although it hit me as being kind of overwhelming at the time. Friday was a bad day for me anyway. I am having lots of trouble sleeping, and the whole week I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep, so I was suffering from that, and the Lupron headaches were just brutal last week. I was having a difficult time holding it together at work which is so not me. I’m very stoic at the office and I am not a big cryer normally, but Friday was a challenge for me. Fortunately I’m feeling much better.

Today was day 4 of stims. My follistim dose has been 225 in the AM, then 75 + Menopur in the PM. Last night I didn’t have a Menopur injection, so my evening dose of the Follistim increased to 150. I’m waiting to hear from the nurse now on what tonight’s dose will look like. I’m hoping that they leave everything the same. That would give me some confidence that things are going according to plan.

My ultrasound this morning was both exciting and frustrating. There were 6 visible measurable follicles on my right ovary. According to the nurse, they were all about the same size too, so this is good news. The frustrating part is that my left ovary is hiding behind my uterus and for the second time, they can’t even catch a glimpse of it on the ultrasound. I’m disappointed by this and hope it shows itself soon, because I’m not sure what they do if they have no visibility to all these follicles we’re trying to grow.

I’m anxiously awaiting my E2 bloodwork and I’m hopeful that I remember to ask the nurse what it was on Friday, so I can compare. This is my favorite part of the cycle. It is so much fun for us obsessive types because between the ultrasounds and the bloodwork, there is so much we can work with.

I don’t even know yet what is a good number of follicles and what a good E2 level looks like, but I’m just so excited about all of it.

Still hating needles

Last night I tried something new to try to reduce the pain on the Lupron shots and it seemed to work some. To be clear, these shots don’t really HURT, they just pinch a little and last time I literally couldn’t feel the needle, so I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing differently or maybe I’m just more sensitive this time around. My concern is not these little shots at all, it’s the big ones that are only a few weeks away that I’m trying to gear up for. Anyway, I tried flicking the skin until it turned a bit red, then I used the alcohol swab (in that order), then I did the injection. I honestly felt it less. I think tonight I’m going to try ice. To me, putting ice on an area prior to injecting yourself there seems like it would feel worse, like maybe you’d be able to feel the needle more. I’d rather figure that out now with the little needles than find out with the big one in my butt.

This morning we dropped off TW’s “back up” semen. This will be analyzed, washed etc, then put in the freezer for our big day. It’s just in case he has performance anxiety or he has an emergency and can’t be there or something. It makes me feel so relieved to have that back up there.

By the way, going off the wine has been great. I am very happy having a small scoop of ice cream instead.

I Hate Needles

I have now given myself 3 injections of Lupron. The first one went in perfectly, didn’t even feel it and it was all beautiful. The other two have hurt a little. Last time around the Lupron didn’t hurt at all, it was seriously no big deal. I think I need to give it a harder jab into my stomach. The nurse said the Lupron needles are actually not as sharp as some of the other needles, so maybe that’s why I’m feeling it. Another very strange thing happened though. This weekend at acupuncture, the needles were so uncomfortable going in that I’ve vowed not to go back. I mean, if it’s going to give me stress to go, I’m sure it’s negating some of the benefits. The weird thing is that all of a sudden I’m ultra-sensitive to needles.

Now I’ve always been scared to death of needles, but in the past I could always say that I didn’t even feel it going in. Now all of a sudden I’m sensitive. This is not good timing to get sensitive. I’m hoping for better luck tonight.

Tonight is the night I give up the wine too. I’ve been drinking about a glass of wine per night pretty regularly for the last several months. Although I’m unsure of the impact, I’m not taking any chances. Instead of wine, I think I’m going to treat myself to curling up in bed early with some mint-chocolate chip ice cream and a movie or something like that.