So today I left my precious baby in the care of the local daycare center and drug myself to the office. I have to say it was a relatively painless process. I expected to feel very sad about this whole thing, but everything went smoothly, I felt that he was in good hands and I was sort of excited to get back to work. I’m sure this feeling will change as work becomes more of the humdrum normal life again, but we really rely on my income and more importantly my medical benefits, so since I don’t have much of a choice, it might as well be a good thing.
The last couple of months have been such a whirlwind. I have experienced so much trial and error with this baby and finally have kind of figured him out and now it’s time to hand him off. I feel that I have to have another child because I’ve learned so much about babies that it would be a complete waste not to have another one. At the same time, I tell other moms that and they tell me no two babies are ever the same, so maybe there’s this learning curve with all of them. I still think I would be in slightly better shape than I was this past time.
About Me
- 30SomethingDINK
- I am a 30-something FORMER DINK (Double Income, No Kids) who welcomed our first child on August 1st, 2011 following many years of infertility. I am married to a wonderful (though somewhat work-a-holic) husband and daddy. This is my journal to help me stay sane through the trials of infertility, pregnancy and motherhood. We have unexplained infertility. After enduring IVF #1 failure, we miraculously became pregnant from FET #1, and we were overjoyed to welcome our little one August 1st of 2011.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Almost 8 Weeks
I never thought I would feel this way when I was pregnant but the first 6 weeks of parenthood weren't much fun. Of course I was blissful about being a mom and felt so blessed for our wonderful gift. I also had lovable times with B (that's what I'm calling him here, B), but I was also frustrated with the lack of recognition from him and the difficulty determining what was necessary to comfort him. I felt that he was either eating, sleeping or crying. I was ashamed to feel this way and almost felt ready to go back to work.
That all changed the day B turned 7 weeks. All of a sudden we clicked. He stopped crying constantly and when he does cry, 95% of the time he is either hungry or tired. If I can fix one or both of those issues, we usually find our happy boy again. The other major improvement is he has become so much more interactive. We are often rewarded with huge gummy smiles and lots of cooing. He smiled at me intentionally for the first time at 5 weeks 4 days, but those those smiles have become much more frequent and much bigger in the last couple weeks.
I can't get enough of my handsome little one now.
That all changed the day B turned 7 weeks. All of a sudden we clicked. He stopped crying constantly and when he does cry, 95% of the time he is either hungry or tired. If I can fix one or both of those issues, we usually find our happy boy again. The other major improvement is he has become so much more interactive. We are often rewarded with huge gummy smiles and lots of cooing. He smiled at me intentionally for the first time at 5 weeks 4 days, but those those smiles have become much more frequent and much bigger in the last couple weeks.
I can't get enough of my handsome little one now.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Birth Story - Ridiculously Long
Here is the detailed account of my birth story. I loved this experience, and I also loved reading other people's stories, so I made it as detailed as I could without being completely obnoxious...may be boring if you're not into birth stories.
The days before my due date: I had been feeling some cramps overnight (early morning) for the last several days, but since I’ve never been through this before, I really didn’t know if this meant anything or if I was just feeling the baby moving down or what.
The day before my due date, July 30th: I woke up at around 3:30am with cramping so bad I really couldn’t sleep through it. This was a constant feeling though; it wasn’t “timeable”, so I didn’t know what to make of it other than that things were getting closer. I had read enough books on natural labor over the last couple months to know that many women experienced this in the days/hours before labor began. It didn’t mean anything was going to happen immediately, but I knew at this point, my body was gearing up. It was a Saturday, so my husband and I just went about our normal day. I remember walking around in Lowe’s thinking that these cramps had to mean something. They were pretty intense, but felt just like period cramps. The whole day I kind of waited for something to start, but nothing ever did, so I went to bed that night hoping for things to happen over night.
2:56am, Sunday, July 31st, my due date: I awoke to a feeling that I hadn’t felt before. I’m not even sure I can describe it. It was still a period cramping feeling, but it had a beginning, a middle and an end. The beginning started as a crampy feeling, then it escalated, it stayed at a peak for a few seconds, and then began to subside. It had a quality that reminded me of a muscle cramp or spasm. Although I had never felt a contraction before, and didn’t have any Braxton Hicks contractions in my pregnancy, I knew for sure this was what a contraction was. I tried to sleep a little more because my doula had told me that if you go into labor at night or in the middle of the night, to try to sleep because you have a long road ahead. I did get up and move to the couch though so I wouldn’t wake my husband. I knew I wanted him to be well rested too. I found it really difficult to sleep at all during these contractions. They were certainly manageable, but actually more uncomfortable than I thought they would be this early.
Approx 6:00am: I began to want some company during this process, but I still didn’t want to wake my husband. I was timing these contractions and they were anywhere from 6-20 minutes apart, so I knew that we weren’t really even close to active labor. I needed them to settle into a more predictable pattern before I would get very excited. In fact, in many birth stories, I’ve heard of them starting and then going away until the next day when they are that irregular, so I was not at all sure than we were going to have a baby that day.
Approx 7:00am: My husband woke up and by this time, I was starting to see a more predictable pattern in the labor (6-9 minutes apart lasting 45 or so seconds). I knew I wanted to take a shower, wash and dry my hair and kind of get ready to be gone from the house for a few days. I was also finding them to be uncomfortable and a shower sounded nice. I got into the hot shower and it felt heavenly. I’ve never enjoyed a shower more. Unfortunately, once I got out, the contractions stalled. I was still having them, but they were back to sometimes 20 minutes apart and only 30 seconds. They were also much less intense. I decided to sit on the “birthing ball” for a while. This was amazing. Every time I would get off the ball, I would have a contraction. I don’t know why, but it happened every time. I felt this must be helping, so I kept doing it.
Approx 10:00am: As we sat there through the mid-morning, waiting for things to pick up, we decided that maybe it would be a good idea to go out to breakfast and do some last minute shopping since we knew we would be having guests when we returned. On the way to breakfast, I was still having contractions, and the baby was moving around like crazy. We were able to get an awesome cell phone video of this and I will cherish that forever. It is so funny how differently I feel about seeing my belly move now that I know the little guy who was inside there.
Approx 2:00pm: We returned from our breakfast and shopping, and I contacted the doula again to let her know that things were still happening but had stalled out some. She suggested a nap and a dip in the pool to relax me and maybe the weightlessness would move things along. I tried to nap, but either because of the discomfort or maybe because of the anxiousness about upcoming events, I simply could not get any rest. I did take a dip in the pool and that actually did start to move things along.
Approx 7:00pm: Evening was approaching and things were beginning to pick up again. My husband heated us up some tomato soup and some bread and we ate a light dinner. As the evening wore on, the contractions started to get closer together and much more painful. My doula told me that labor tends to be nocturnal, and she was convinced that the contractions would increase in intensity and really be full force overnight, so she suggested a half glass of wine and a bath to relax me and to try to get some rest.
Approx 10:00pm: I did try to drink a little wine, which I thought would relax me much more since I hadn’t had a drop in 10 months, but it really didn’t do much. The bath seemed to increase the frequency of the contractions and I found myself spending quite a bit of time on all fours in the bathtub, which was not terribly relaxing. I got out of the tub and laid down for a while, but I could tell that it was starting to be “go time” and we were now in active labor. We were now consistently getting contractions about four minutes apart lasting about one minute.
A couple things I want to clarify here for those who have not been in labor. At least for me, there was a lot of ambiguity in this timing. I was never totally sure exactly when a contraction started and ended because I never achieved full relief in between. I knew as it began to intensify and hit its peak, but the exact start and end was similar to the feeling that I had all the time, so I couldn’t be totally sure if they were lasting 60 seconds or 45 seconds or 75 seconds. This was a point of frustration for me since I like to have as little uncertainty as possible in situations like this. In addition, when I look back at my timing, I was not always getting the contractions 4 minutes apart, sometimes it would be 6 minutes, sometimes it would be 3 minutes. As you continue to read my birth story, you will see that my labor wasn’t really normal, so maybe others do have a more clear pattern, and more concise contractions that reveal their true start and end points, but for me, it was somewhat confusing.
Approx 11:30pm: We finally decided that we wanted to go to the hospital. I had heard that the trip to the hospital can be terrible when you’re in labor, so I was anxious to get this out of the way. We were lucky that it was late at night and we didn’t have to contend with traffic through the city. We contacted the doctor to let him know the status, and the doctor on call responded. I was not thrilled that my own doctor wasn’t going to be there, but also realize that they rarely spend much time with the patient anyway. The doctor on call was convinced that we would have the baby before 6am.
Approx 2:30am: We are settled into labor and delivery. They checked my cervix and I was at a 4 and +1 station. This was disappointing to me, but everyone insisted that going from a 1 (my most recent measurement) to a 4 is significant. They started an IV, did blood work, asked me a million questions and officially admitted me. I finished up with all this and put my yoga pants back on and started walking the halls. We contacted our doula to let her know we’d been admitted and she prepared to head over. I have to admit, after walking the halls for about an hour before the doula arrived, I was pretty convinced to just get an epidural. I was really uncomfortable during contractions, I was so tired from being up non-stop since 2:56 the previous morning, and my confidence in myself was really starting to wear thin. My husband and I discussed it and we both agreed that we would wait for the doula to arrive and then explain that we wanted to do the epidural.
Approx 3:00am: My amazing doula arrives…so much for my plan of getting an epidural. She wouldn’t hear of it. I was still in charge of course, but she was emphatic that I was doing this already. I didn’t need to give up now. Initially my heart wasn’t really in it, but she completely encouraged me and I was back walking the halls again and doing all sorts of gymnastic moves to encourage the baby to move down. The doctor on call kept pushing me to get my water broken. I was so scared of this because I knew everything would be more intense after that, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle it. I did want things to move forward though, so I held off, but told them I would consider it. I was offered a narcotic pain killer to help me rest a little while and I agreed to that. At this stage of labor, this was a great plan. As soon as they put that in my IV, I was asleep and I slept for about an hour through what now felt like bad period cramps. Right at that hour mark though, it wore off and I needed to be out of that bed and moving around again. I was grateful for the rest though, and felt somewhat revitalized.
Approx 6:00am: They checked my cervix and after all these hours I had only progressed to a 5 and still +1 station! I was completely frustrated. I agreed to have my water broken. This definitely made things more intense. My doula had me doing all sorts of things to help labor progress such as straddling the toilet backwards and laboring that way. I found this so uncomfortable I was trembling and started to feel nauseas. I kept doing it though because my doula told me that once the water is broken, things can move very quickly. My contractions began to come one on top of the other. I would get maybe 20-30 seconds of relief. Although I was reaching my breaking point on the pain, I kept telling myself that I was probably getting close to transition. I started to feel excited that maybe I would actually do this naturally. I never truly believed I could.
Approx 8:00am: They checked my cervix again and I was a 6, still +1 station. I was crushed. I didn’t think I could keep doing this if this was what it took to get me to a 6. The doula kept telling me the contractions wouldn’t probably get any worse, they would just come more quickly, and that I could move from a 6 to a 10 in a matter of 30 minutes. I wasn’t sure I could deal with this much longer no matter what. I decided that getting into the shower might ease some of the discomfort since it had worked so well for me the previous morning. I was starting to also get nervous because my doula had to teach a class at the hospital from 10-11:30am, so she would have to call in a backup to be with me if I didn’t have the baby by 9:45 or so. She was still convinced that we were really close, so we persevered. The shower was helpful, but not enough that I could really get much relief. I got out after about 20 minutes. I began to hang on my husband and allow him to support my weight. I sat on the birthing ball, I was doing everything I could to just get these contractions to be effective. Good news, my OB was now here, so he would be the one to deliver me.
Approx 10:30am: My doula had left for her class and the backup doula was here. Unfortunately, there is no suitable replacement for the powerhouse doula that I hired. The backup doula was nice, but she wasn’t giving me that strength that mine did. I was beginning to feel that I was going to just collapse. I couldn’t continue to feel like this. I didn’t really want a natural childbirth that badly, I just wanted to try. I was not opposed to modern medicine, but just wanted to experience labor in its raw form. I was having contractions one on top of the other and just didn’t think I could go on. The backup doula suggested that I get checked again. I know she was hoping that I would be complete and ready to push and that would re-invigorate me. I agreed. Guess what…I was still at a 6, and my OB actually said that I was at zero station, so the baby either moved back up, or he was more conservative in his measurement (he said +1 station was generous). I could not believe this. I had gone through what I thought was the worst thing I could handle and I hadn’t even progressed one centimeter. It was over. I wanted the epidural. I looked up at my husband and literally begged him to make it stop. I needed someone to relieve me. I didn’t want any more narcotic pain medication, I needed real relief. I was scared of a needle in my back, but I knew I needed to have it.
Approx 11:00am: Anesthesia was in the room, placing my epidural. I was so impressed with how quickly it took effect. One minute the anesthesiologist was asking me which side of my spine I could feel his needle, and the next minute I complained of an “achy feeling” below the epidural. It had literally only been in place for 30-60 seconds, and that achy feeling was actually the last pain I would feel. That was the contraction that came right after it was placed. The pain was dulled significantly. By the time the next contraction came, I couldn’t feel a thing.
Approx 12:00pm, my husband and I were both snoozing, trying to get rested for the pushing that was sure to be in our near future. Pitocin was started to move things along. I start to get horrible heartburn. I requested something for it, and since it takes a while for medicine to come, I also requested something fizzy to drink, thinking this might help. I’m wrong, and I end up throwing up three times. Disgusting…
Approx 1:00pm: Cervix check…7cm, zero station. The baby is sunny-side-up, which will definitely create a more difficult pushing scenario. My OB tries to move his head by reaching up inside me. Once again I am thankful for my awesome epidural. This little procedure would have been much more uncomfortable without it. He doesn’t feel that he is making much progress moving his head, but continues to try. We begin to talk about the fact that I will need to progress more quickly or we could need a c-section. This terrifies me, but there’s nothing I can do, so I just wait. We increase the pitocin
Approx 2:00pm: Cervix check…8cm, zero station. Increase the Pitocin again.
Approx 3:00pm: Cervix check…8cm, zero station. My OB tells me that he’s giving me an hour to progress before we need to start thinking seriously about a c-section. My water was broken at 6am, I was starting to run a bit of a low grade fever and baby wasn’t moving down at all. The OB was thinking that the baby was lodged in the birth canal in an unusual position and my pelvis wasn’t allowing him through. Increase the Pitocin a final time. We are now at the max dose that is safe.
Approx 4:00pm: Cervix check…8cm, zero station. C-section time. I’m scared to death. I never thought we would get to this point, NEVER. I have been in labor for 37 hours, I’ve been in active labor for at least 17 hours. The anesthesiologist comes back to top off my epidural and they prep me for the c-section.
Approx 4:30pm: We are in the operating room. I am so out of it on the drugs that all I want to do is sleep. I struggle to keep my eyes open, and I’m feeling so weird and loopy. I’m just wanting this to be over so I can rest.
Approx 4:40pm: I am told they are cutting me open. Apparently at this point the OB announces there is meconium in the uterus (this was not present when my water was broken). My husband tells me that everyone starts rushing around and NICU is called in. I am so out of it that I don’t remember a thing about this.
4:49pm, August 1st: I feel lots of tugging, and hear a tiny cry (immediately, thank goodness, he didn’t make me wait at all). My little angel takes his first breath. I begin to cry, my husband even sheds a few tears and we hold our foreheads together marveling that this is actually happening to us. I still found it surreal that a human being was just pulled from my uterus. My husband heads over to see what is going on with the baby, and I lay there, still just wishing I could close my eyes. I am so loopy that the room is spinning. My husband brings my beautiful little bundle over to meet me and he is just adorable. Little squinty blue eyes, and a head FULL of hair. He looks nothing like I thought he would, but I didn’t really know what I thought he would look like. I couldn’t hold him yet, but I didn’t even want to. I knew I was too drugged up to be trusted with this precious little package.
Sometime after 5pm August 1st: I am taken to recovery where I will spend the next 11 hours. Yes, that’s right, 11 more hours. Recovery is normally a 1 hour stop. I was kept there because my blood pressure was so low (80/40 average) and my heartrate was so high (150-200) that they needed me to stabilize before sending me up to the post-partum floor. It only felt like I was in recovery for 2-3 hours. It wasn’t until around midnight that they informed me that my heartrate was escalating dangerously each time the baby cried and I needed to try to relax. I didn’t even know my condition was so serious. I suppose I’m glad I didn’t because I would have been more stressed. Evidently I lost a lot of blood in the c-section, twice as much as normal, and on top of my long labor, the trauma to my body was taking its toll. I do remember being really scared to hold the baby, because I didn’t feel I could keep from dropping him. I also couldn’t sit up in bed, because I felt too faint. Gradually, very gradually, I began to feel better. I was able to wiggle my toes, the room didn’t spin and turn black when they raised my bed up, and I could really spend time admiring my most wonderful accomplishment…my newborn little son. Finally at about 4am, we were transferred up to post-partum in much better health.
That’s it…that’s the story. If I had it to do over again, I would do it exactly the same way (hopefully avoiding the scary parts after the c-section). I am extremely happy with the decisions we made in labor. I experienced everything I wanted to experience, and bonded deeply with my husband and baby in the process. The hospital we used was fantastic. My husband and I both look back on our stay as almost a mini-vacation. We loved it, and had a wonderful time, and can’t think of a better way to welcome our little miracle into the world.
The days before my due date: I had been feeling some cramps overnight (early morning) for the last several days, but since I’ve never been through this before, I really didn’t know if this meant anything or if I was just feeling the baby moving down or what.
The day before my due date, July 30th: I woke up at around 3:30am with cramping so bad I really couldn’t sleep through it. This was a constant feeling though; it wasn’t “timeable”, so I didn’t know what to make of it other than that things were getting closer. I had read enough books on natural labor over the last couple months to know that many women experienced this in the days/hours before labor began. It didn’t mean anything was going to happen immediately, but I knew at this point, my body was gearing up. It was a Saturday, so my husband and I just went about our normal day. I remember walking around in Lowe’s thinking that these cramps had to mean something. They were pretty intense, but felt just like period cramps. The whole day I kind of waited for something to start, but nothing ever did, so I went to bed that night hoping for things to happen over night.
2:56am, Sunday, July 31st, my due date: I awoke to a feeling that I hadn’t felt before. I’m not even sure I can describe it. It was still a period cramping feeling, but it had a beginning, a middle and an end. The beginning started as a crampy feeling, then it escalated, it stayed at a peak for a few seconds, and then began to subside. It had a quality that reminded me of a muscle cramp or spasm. Although I had never felt a contraction before, and didn’t have any Braxton Hicks contractions in my pregnancy, I knew for sure this was what a contraction was. I tried to sleep a little more because my doula had told me that if you go into labor at night or in the middle of the night, to try to sleep because you have a long road ahead. I did get up and move to the couch though so I wouldn’t wake my husband. I knew I wanted him to be well rested too. I found it really difficult to sleep at all during these contractions. They were certainly manageable, but actually more uncomfortable than I thought they would be this early.
Approx 6:00am: I began to want some company during this process, but I still didn’t want to wake my husband. I was timing these contractions and they were anywhere from 6-20 minutes apart, so I knew that we weren’t really even close to active labor. I needed them to settle into a more predictable pattern before I would get very excited. In fact, in many birth stories, I’ve heard of them starting and then going away until the next day when they are that irregular, so I was not at all sure than we were going to have a baby that day.
Approx 7:00am: My husband woke up and by this time, I was starting to see a more predictable pattern in the labor (6-9 minutes apart lasting 45 or so seconds). I knew I wanted to take a shower, wash and dry my hair and kind of get ready to be gone from the house for a few days. I was also finding them to be uncomfortable and a shower sounded nice. I got into the hot shower and it felt heavenly. I’ve never enjoyed a shower more. Unfortunately, once I got out, the contractions stalled. I was still having them, but they were back to sometimes 20 minutes apart and only 30 seconds. They were also much less intense. I decided to sit on the “birthing ball” for a while. This was amazing. Every time I would get off the ball, I would have a contraction. I don’t know why, but it happened every time. I felt this must be helping, so I kept doing it.
Approx 10:00am: As we sat there through the mid-morning, waiting for things to pick up, we decided that maybe it would be a good idea to go out to breakfast and do some last minute shopping since we knew we would be having guests when we returned. On the way to breakfast, I was still having contractions, and the baby was moving around like crazy. We were able to get an awesome cell phone video of this and I will cherish that forever. It is so funny how differently I feel about seeing my belly move now that I know the little guy who was inside there.
Approx 2:00pm: We returned from our breakfast and shopping, and I contacted the doula again to let her know that things were still happening but had stalled out some. She suggested a nap and a dip in the pool to relax me and maybe the weightlessness would move things along. I tried to nap, but either because of the discomfort or maybe because of the anxiousness about upcoming events, I simply could not get any rest. I did take a dip in the pool and that actually did start to move things along.
Approx 7:00pm: Evening was approaching and things were beginning to pick up again. My husband heated us up some tomato soup and some bread and we ate a light dinner. As the evening wore on, the contractions started to get closer together and much more painful. My doula told me that labor tends to be nocturnal, and she was convinced that the contractions would increase in intensity and really be full force overnight, so she suggested a half glass of wine and a bath to relax me and to try to get some rest.
Approx 10:00pm: I did try to drink a little wine, which I thought would relax me much more since I hadn’t had a drop in 10 months, but it really didn’t do much. The bath seemed to increase the frequency of the contractions and I found myself spending quite a bit of time on all fours in the bathtub, which was not terribly relaxing. I got out of the tub and laid down for a while, but I could tell that it was starting to be “go time” and we were now in active labor. We were now consistently getting contractions about four minutes apart lasting about one minute.
A couple things I want to clarify here for those who have not been in labor. At least for me, there was a lot of ambiguity in this timing. I was never totally sure exactly when a contraction started and ended because I never achieved full relief in between. I knew as it began to intensify and hit its peak, but the exact start and end was similar to the feeling that I had all the time, so I couldn’t be totally sure if they were lasting 60 seconds or 45 seconds or 75 seconds. This was a point of frustration for me since I like to have as little uncertainty as possible in situations like this. In addition, when I look back at my timing, I was not always getting the contractions 4 minutes apart, sometimes it would be 6 minutes, sometimes it would be 3 minutes. As you continue to read my birth story, you will see that my labor wasn’t really normal, so maybe others do have a more clear pattern, and more concise contractions that reveal their true start and end points, but for me, it was somewhat confusing.
Approx 11:30pm: We finally decided that we wanted to go to the hospital. I had heard that the trip to the hospital can be terrible when you’re in labor, so I was anxious to get this out of the way. We were lucky that it was late at night and we didn’t have to contend with traffic through the city. We contacted the doctor to let him know the status, and the doctor on call responded. I was not thrilled that my own doctor wasn’t going to be there, but also realize that they rarely spend much time with the patient anyway. The doctor on call was convinced that we would have the baby before 6am.
Approx 2:30am: We are settled into labor and delivery. They checked my cervix and I was at a 4 and +1 station. This was disappointing to me, but everyone insisted that going from a 1 (my most recent measurement) to a 4 is significant. They started an IV, did blood work, asked me a million questions and officially admitted me. I finished up with all this and put my yoga pants back on and started walking the halls. We contacted our doula to let her know we’d been admitted and she prepared to head over. I have to admit, after walking the halls for about an hour before the doula arrived, I was pretty convinced to just get an epidural. I was really uncomfortable during contractions, I was so tired from being up non-stop since 2:56 the previous morning, and my confidence in myself was really starting to wear thin. My husband and I discussed it and we both agreed that we would wait for the doula to arrive and then explain that we wanted to do the epidural.
Approx 3:00am: My amazing doula arrives…so much for my plan of getting an epidural. She wouldn’t hear of it. I was still in charge of course, but she was emphatic that I was doing this already. I didn’t need to give up now. Initially my heart wasn’t really in it, but she completely encouraged me and I was back walking the halls again and doing all sorts of gymnastic moves to encourage the baby to move down. The doctor on call kept pushing me to get my water broken. I was so scared of this because I knew everything would be more intense after that, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle it. I did want things to move forward though, so I held off, but told them I would consider it. I was offered a narcotic pain killer to help me rest a little while and I agreed to that. At this stage of labor, this was a great plan. As soon as they put that in my IV, I was asleep and I slept for about an hour through what now felt like bad period cramps. Right at that hour mark though, it wore off and I needed to be out of that bed and moving around again. I was grateful for the rest though, and felt somewhat revitalized.
Approx 6:00am: They checked my cervix and after all these hours I had only progressed to a 5 and still +1 station! I was completely frustrated. I agreed to have my water broken. This definitely made things more intense. My doula had me doing all sorts of things to help labor progress such as straddling the toilet backwards and laboring that way. I found this so uncomfortable I was trembling and started to feel nauseas. I kept doing it though because my doula told me that once the water is broken, things can move very quickly. My contractions began to come one on top of the other. I would get maybe 20-30 seconds of relief. Although I was reaching my breaking point on the pain, I kept telling myself that I was probably getting close to transition. I started to feel excited that maybe I would actually do this naturally. I never truly believed I could.
Approx 8:00am: They checked my cervix again and I was a 6, still +1 station. I was crushed. I didn’t think I could keep doing this if this was what it took to get me to a 6. The doula kept telling me the contractions wouldn’t probably get any worse, they would just come more quickly, and that I could move from a 6 to a 10 in a matter of 30 minutes. I wasn’t sure I could deal with this much longer no matter what. I decided that getting into the shower might ease some of the discomfort since it had worked so well for me the previous morning. I was starting to also get nervous because my doula had to teach a class at the hospital from 10-11:30am, so she would have to call in a backup to be with me if I didn’t have the baby by 9:45 or so. She was still convinced that we were really close, so we persevered. The shower was helpful, but not enough that I could really get much relief. I got out after about 20 minutes. I began to hang on my husband and allow him to support my weight. I sat on the birthing ball, I was doing everything I could to just get these contractions to be effective. Good news, my OB was now here, so he would be the one to deliver me.
Approx 10:30am: My doula had left for her class and the backup doula was here. Unfortunately, there is no suitable replacement for the powerhouse doula that I hired. The backup doula was nice, but she wasn’t giving me that strength that mine did. I was beginning to feel that I was going to just collapse. I couldn’t continue to feel like this. I didn’t really want a natural childbirth that badly, I just wanted to try. I was not opposed to modern medicine, but just wanted to experience labor in its raw form. I was having contractions one on top of the other and just didn’t think I could go on. The backup doula suggested that I get checked again. I know she was hoping that I would be complete and ready to push and that would re-invigorate me. I agreed. Guess what…I was still at a 6, and my OB actually said that I was at zero station, so the baby either moved back up, or he was more conservative in his measurement (he said +1 station was generous). I could not believe this. I had gone through what I thought was the worst thing I could handle and I hadn’t even progressed one centimeter. It was over. I wanted the epidural. I looked up at my husband and literally begged him to make it stop. I needed someone to relieve me. I didn’t want any more narcotic pain medication, I needed real relief. I was scared of a needle in my back, but I knew I needed to have it.
Approx 11:00am: Anesthesia was in the room, placing my epidural. I was so impressed with how quickly it took effect. One minute the anesthesiologist was asking me which side of my spine I could feel his needle, and the next minute I complained of an “achy feeling” below the epidural. It had literally only been in place for 30-60 seconds, and that achy feeling was actually the last pain I would feel. That was the contraction that came right after it was placed. The pain was dulled significantly. By the time the next contraction came, I couldn’t feel a thing.
Approx 12:00pm, my husband and I were both snoozing, trying to get rested for the pushing that was sure to be in our near future. Pitocin was started to move things along. I start to get horrible heartburn. I requested something for it, and since it takes a while for medicine to come, I also requested something fizzy to drink, thinking this might help. I’m wrong, and I end up throwing up three times. Disgusting…
Approx 1:00pm: Cervix check…7cm, zero station. The baby is sunny-side-up, which will definitely create a more difficult pushing scenario. My OB tries to move his head by reaching up inside me. Once again I am thankful for my awesome epidural. This little procedure would have been much more uncomfortable without it. He doesn’t feel that he is making much progress moving his head, but continues to try. We begin to talk about the fact that I will need to progress more quickly or we could need a c-section. This terrifies me, but there’s nothing I can do, so I just wait. We increase the pitocin
Approx 2:00pm: Cervix check…8cm, zero station. Increase the Pitocin again.
Approx 3:00pm: Cervix check…8cm, zero station. My OB tells me that he’s giving me an hour to progress before we need to start thinking seriously about a c-section. My water was broken at 6am, I was starting to run a bit of a low grade fever and baby wasn’t moving down at all. The OB was thinking that the baby was lodged in the birth canal in an unusual position and my pelvis wasn’t allowing him through. Increase the Pitocin a final time. We are now at the max dose that is safe.
Approx 4:00pm: Cervix check…8cm, zero station. C-section time. I’m scared to death. I never thought we would get to this point, NEVER. I have been in labor for 37 hours, I’ve been in active labor for at least 17 hours. The anesthesiologist comes back to top off my epidural and they prep me for the c-section.
Approx 4:30pm: We are in the operating room. I am so out of it on the drugs that all I want to do is sleep. I struggle to keep my eyes open, and I’m feeling so weird and loopy. I’m just wanting this to be over so I can rest.
Approx 4:40pm: I am told they are cutting me open. Apparently at this point the OB announces there is meconium in the uterus (this was not present when my water was broken). My husband tells me that everyone starts rushing around and NICU is called in. I am so out of it that I don’t remember a thing about this.
4:49pm, August 1st: I feel lots of tugging, and hear a tiny cry (immediately, thank goodness, he didn’t make me wait at all). My little angel takes his first breath. I begin to cry, my husband even sheds a few tears and we hold our foreheads together marveling that this is actually happening to us. I still found it surreal that a human being was just pulled from my uterus. My husband heads over to see what is going on with the baby, and I lay there, still just wishing I could close my eyes. I am so loopy that the room is spinning. My husband brings my beautiful little bundle over to meet me and he is just adorable. Little squinty blue eyes, and a head FULL of hair. He looks nothing like I thought he would, but I didn’t really know what I thought he would look like. I couldn’t hold him yet, but I didn’t even want to. I knew I was too drugged up to be trusted with this precious little package.
Sometime after 5pm August 1st: I am taken to recovery where I will spend the next 11 hours. Yes, that’s right, 11 more hours. Recovery is normally a 1 hour stop. I was kept there because my blood pressure was so low (80/40 average) and my heartrate was so high (150-200) that they needed me to stabilize before sending me up to the post-partum floor. It only felt like I was in recovery for 2-3 hours. It wasn’t until around midnight that they informed me that my heartrate was escalating dangerously each time the baby cried and I needed to try to relax. I didn’t even know my condition was so serious. I suppose I’m glad I didn’t because I would have been more stressed. Evidently I lost a lot of blood in the c-section, twice as much as normal, and on top of my long labor, the trauma to my body was taking its toll. I do remember being really scared to hold the baby, because I didn’t feel I could keep from dropping him. I also couldn’t sit up in bed, because I felt too faint. Gradually, very gradually, I began to feel better. I was able to wiggle my toes, the room didn’t spin and turn black when they raised my bed up, and I could really spend time admiring my most wonderful accomplishment…my newborn little son. Finally at about 4am, we were transferred up to post-partum in much better health.
That’s it…that’s the story. If I had it to do over again, I would do it exactly the same way (hopefully avoiding the scary parts after the c-section). I am extremely happy with the decisions we made in labor. I experienced everything I wanted to experience, and bonded deeply with my husband and baby in the process. The hospital we used was fantastic. My husband and I both look back on our stay as almost a mini-vacation. We loved it, and had a wonderful time, and can’t think of a better way to welcome our little miracle into the world.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
A Belated Baby Announcement
Finally, I'm back. I have been caught up in a whirlwind of baby-life.
Our little bundle of joy arrived on August 1st after a complicated labor, and finally a c-section. It wasn't what I had imagined for a birth story, but it's amazing to me now how little the journey matters once the destination is reached.
Our son (nickname coming soon, once I think of a good one), has been a complete joy. He is not really that difficult of a baby, and I've enjoyed having him so much. I have spent the last 3-1/2 weeks incredibly busy, first I spent 4 days in the hospital, and then I was bogged down with two rounds of well-meaning grandparent visits. We have only had a few days to ourselves since he was born, so I'm excited to see what it will be like now that we are alone. My husband is back at work (and has been for most of the last several weeks), and it's just quiet and peaceful here in the house today as little one snoozes away at his second nap of the day.
I will post my birth story soon. Although it didn't turn out quite the way I had hoped, I just loved the experience and sometimes get sort of sad that it's over. You can never again experience that very first time in labor. It's so pure and unexpected. It is such a bonding experience with your spouse and it is so precious since there are no real distractions (like older children who need to be cared for) to interrupt the beauty of the event. I loved it and I can't wait to share with my husband and son all the upcoming events, milestones, holidays and experiences.
Our little bundle of joy arrived on August 1st after a complicated labor, and finally a c-section. It wasn't what I had imagined for a birth story, but it's amazing to me now how little the journey matters once the destination is reached.
Our son (nickname coming soon, once I think of a good one), has been a complete joy. He is not really that difficult of a baby, and I've enjoyed having him so much. I have spent the last 3-1/2 weeks incredibly busy, first I spent 4 days in the hospital, and then I was bogged down with two rounds of well-meaning grandparent visits. We have only had a few days to ourselves since he was born, so I'm excited to see what it will be like now that we are alone. My husband is back at work (and has been for most of the last several weeks), and it's just quiet and peaceful here in the house today as little one snoozes away at his second nap of the day.
I will post my birth story soon. Although it didn't turn out quite the way I had hoped, I just loved the experience and sometimes get sort of sad that it's over. You can never again experience that very first time in labor. It's so pure and unexpected. It is such a bonding experience with your spouse and it is so precious since there are no real distractions (like older children who need to be cared for) to interrupt the beauty of the event. I loved it and I can't wait to share with my husband and son all the upcoming events, milestones, holidays and experiences.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
39 Weeks 2 Days
So here I am….39 weeks 2 days pregnant and I actually feel like I’m overdue. Why do I feel like that? Because the doctor told me “you probably won’t go past your due date”. I know this still doesn’t explain why I should expect to have a baby a week early, but for some reason, I’m now feeling like it’s never going to end. On top of that, Friday night I woke up with pretty bad period cramps. I was thinking about timing them, but fell asleep, so clearly they weren’t that bad. Then Saturday night and Sunday during the day, more period cramps. Not as intense, but definitely there. They weren’t really timeable though. Yesterday at work, I started to feel a bit crampy too, so I worked to make sure that everything outstanding was completed or at least well noted so that someone else could take over. Yet again though, I am here today at the office. Maybe I should try leaving many loose ends and items uncovered and see if that makes the baby decide he should make an appearance.
My doctor visit at 37.5 weeks gave me the outstanding news that I was 75% effaced and 1 cm dilated. This just made me so happy since I really felt like my body was making the preparations necessary to go into labor naturally in a timely fashion. Then at my 38.5 week appointment, there was no change, except that the baby had dropped more (which the doula says is still change). I was slightly disappointed, but tried to convince myself that the baby dropping was significant. I have my next appointment today. I have to admit, after all this cramping, I will be discouraged if there is not change. I just want to know that something is actually happening down there. I’m actually fine with not having this baby until next week. I am tired of being pregnant, but it’s not so physically uncomfortable that I’m hating every minute of it, but I just want to keep my confidence up. The confidence I have in my body’s ability to deliver a baby.
With all that being said, I have tried to adopt an attitude of “enjoy this while it lasts”. Sunday, I really had no desire to do anything, but we went out to a nice lunch and went grocery shopping together. (we NEVER grocery shop together). This was something that we soon won’t have the luxury of doing. We also spent time in the pool, TW worked outside in the yard and in the barn the rest of the day, and I cooked a big dinner with enough to toss in the freezer and we watched a movie. It was a lovely day. I am really hoping to take these next few days and try to do things that I won’t be able to do later. It’s so hard not to just be excited about the baby coming, and I am sooo excited about that, but I also hate the idea of wishing time away. Our days are numbered, all of us, so we might as well enjoy each one.
So we are still waiting on one of the pieces of the baby’s furniture. This is very frustrating to me because I really wanted to make a beautiful little nest for my little one before he came, and now that is ruined. Just be forewarned that if you order furniture from Buy Buy Baby and they tell you it will be 8-10 weeks, it could actually be more like 17 weeks, and there won’t be any advance notice of this delay. I would like to finish the rest of the room, but it’s so hard to know what will look good on the walls and on the dresser when parts of the furniture are not here yet. I’m very frustrated. It’s not the end of the world of course, but I am such a planner and I feel that this was planned out appropriately, so the delay has been frustrating.
That’s it for now. Three more hours until my next doctor appointment.
My doctor visit at 37.5 weeks gave me the outstanding news that I was 75% effaced and 1 cm dilated. This just made me so happy since I really felt like my body was making the preparations necessary to go into labor naturally in a timely fashion. Then at my 38.5 week appointment, there was no change, except that the baby had dropped more (which the doula says is still change). I was slightly disappointed, but tried to convince myself that the baby dropping was significant. I have my next appointment today. I have to admit, after all this cramping, I will be discouraged if there is not change. I just want to know that something is actually happening down there. I’m actually fine with not having this baby until next week. I am tired of being pregnant, but it’s not so physically uncomfortable that I’m hating every minute of it, but I just want to keep my confidence up. The confidence I have in my body’s ability to deliver a baby.
With all that being said, I have tried to adopt an attitude of “enjoy this while it lasts”. Sunday, I really had no desire to do anything, but we went out to a nice lunch and went grocery shopping together. (we NEVER grocery shop together). This was something that we soon won’t have the luxury of doing. We also spent time in the pool, TW worked outside in the yard and in the barn the rest of the day, and I cooked a big dinner with enough to toss in the freezer and we watched a movie. It was a lovely day. I am really hoping to take these next few days and try to do things that I won’t be able to do later. It’s so hard not to just be excited about the baby coming, and I am sooo excited about that, but I also hate the idea of wishing time away. Our days are numbered, all of us, so we might as well enjoy each one.
So we are still waiting on one of the pieces of the baby’s furniture. This is very frustrating to me because I really wanted to make a beautiful little nest for my little one before he came, and now that is ruined. Just be forewarned that if you order furniture from Buy Buy Baby and they tell you it will be 8-10 weeks, it could actually be more like 17 weeks, and there won’t be any advance notice of this delay. I would like to finish the rest of the room, but it’s so hard to know what will look good on the walls and on the dresser when parts of the furniture are not here yet. I’m very frustrated. It’s not the end of the world of course, but I am such a planner and I feel that this was planned out appropriately, so the delay has been frustrating.
That’s it for now. Three more hours until my next doctor appointment.
Monday, July 18, 2011
38 Weeks!
My doctor’s appointment was last Wednesday and I had a surprise internal check. I guess he normally starts them at 38 weeks, but since I was close (37.5 weeks), he asked what I wanted to do. I was curious, so I went ahead and told him to check. It turns out that I’m 75% effaced and 1 centimeter dilated. I was in complete shock. I realize that this is not a huge amount, but I just assumed that since my body was so uncooperative in getting pregnant that it would be just as stubborn with the process of delivering the baby. Of course, the outcome of that is yet to be seen, but I was just so relieved and encouraged that some things were beginning to happen on their own. The doctor even told me that he didn’t think I would go much past my due date if at all. I know every person is different, but this too came as a complete shock. I have thought all along that I would be at least a week, maybe 10-14 days late (maybe even later if they would let me go that long). It was a bit of a wake up call to my husband and me both that we needed to really get things ready because this baby could be here anytime.
I had been feeling a bit crampy at night. This was very minor cramping, but it was there. Since my appointment last Wednesday, I haven’t felt much cramping, so I was a tad discouraged that things might be stalling. Last night however, I began feeling many sharp sensations in my cervix area. These are unpleasant, but they are very quick and definitely not contractions. Some of them are so strong they stop me in my tracks. I really had to sit down last night because I couldn’t take them standing up. After I sat down for a while, they seemed to subside, but I’m getting them again today. I have googled this (of course) and others report similar sharp pains at this stage of pregnancy as being related to the baby’s head descending and coming into contact with nerves in the area creating a “lightning rod” effect. This sounds very similar to what I’m experiencing. I do think the baby has definitely dropped, so that would make sense. No matter what it is, I just hope it’s related to my body preparing itself to evict a baby.
My next appointment is Wednesday again, and although I’m trying not to get my hopes up, I am hoping for some further progress on effacement and dilation. It probably isn’t all that relevant to the actual date and time that I will go into labor, but again gives me the much needed encouragement to believe that my body was meant to do this and despite its trouble getting pregnant, we can expect a NORMAL type of delivery.
I would also like to note that for those who have heard that an internal check is exceedingly uncomfortable, you can rest assured that it really is not. I found it to be no big deal, particularly when compared to some of the things I endured with my IVF. Would I choose to have my OB's hand and half his forearm jammed up my hoo-ha over taking a walk or having a snack or whatever, of course not, but it certainly is not even as bad as a pap smear.
I had been feeling a bit crampy at night. This was very minor cramping, but it was there. Since my appointment last Wednesday, I haven’t felt much cramping, so I was a tad discouraged that things might be stalling. Last night however, I began feeling many sharp sensations in my cervix area. These are unpleasant, but they are very quick and definitely not contractions. Some of them are so strong they stop me in my tracks. I really had to sit down last night because I couldn’t take them standing up. After I sat down for a while, they seemed to subside, but I’m getting them again today. I have googled this (of course) and others report similar sharp pains at this stage of pregnancy as being related to the baby’s head descending and coming into contact with nerves in the area creating a “lightning rod” effect. This sounds very similar to what I’m experiencing. I do think the baby has definitely dropped, so that would make sense. No matter what it is, I just hope it’s related to my body preparing itself to evict a baby.
My next appointment is Wednesday again, and although I’m trying not to get my hopes up, I am hoping for some further progress on effacement and dilation. It probably isn’t all that relevant to the actual date and time that I will go into labor, but again gives me the much needed encouragement to believe that my body was meant to do this and despite its trouble getting pregnant, we can expect a NORMAL type of delivery.
I would also like to note that for those who have heard that an internal check is exceedingly uncomfortable, you can rest assured that it really is not. I found it to be no big deal, particularly when compared to some of the things I endured with my IVF. Would I choose to have my OB's hand and half his forearm jammed up my hoo-ha over taking a walk or having a snack or whatever, of course not, but it certainly is not even as bad as a pap smear.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Another Google Violation
Ok, so to follow up on my last post, the doctor felt that everything was probably just fine with the baby despite his excessive hiccups, but just in case he went ahead and ordered an ultrasound with a biophysical profile. Apparently a good biophysical profile nearly guarantees you a healthy baby for the next 1-2 weeks, so worst case scenario, we do weekly ultrasounds until I deliver, which is hopefully in the next 2-4 weeks. As the doctor expected, everything looked great with the baby during the ultrasound. He was practicing his breathing, he’s still a boy, and he’s officially very smooshed inside my uterus. The tech tried to take a picture, but it’s so contorted because of the lack of space that I haven’t even shown it to anyone.
So yesterday, my husband came out of work with a cup that had ice and water in it. The ice was those little balls of ice that you might get at a place like Sonic. I’ve never enjoyed chewing ice because my teeth are sensitive, but yesterday, I was like a mad woman. I couldn’t get enough of this ice. It was like an obsession. Now today, I’ve filled a glass with ice and water and have been chewing that ice all day too. This is really very unusual for me. So of course, I googled it. I really only did it because I wondered if it was a common craving in pregnancy or something. Well, the answer is…Yes, it is common in pregnancy, but is a symptom of anemia (which apparently is also common in pregnancy). I know being anemic is really not that big of a deal and more importantly, just because google says it, doesn’t mean that I am actually anemic, but seriously, why is it that I can’t just leave it alone. Why does everything need to have an answer via the world wide web. In addition, why am I trusting what I read there, when so many of the responses are so grammatically incorrect or misspelled that I can hardly discern the content. Clearly most of the contributors are not well educated in health related matters. The good news is that I do have my next appointment tomorrow, and I will mention to the doctor that I’ve been craving chewing ice, and let him tell me that I have nothing wrong with me.
On another note, I am still absolutely convinced that this baby will not be showing his face until 41+ weeks, yet I cannot seem to keep myself from mildly obsessing over labor signs. I have had intermittent cramping, mostly overnight, that reminds me of menstrual cramping. It’s very mild, and I could even be convinced that it is my imagination if I weren’t feeling it so often now. My doula said that often effacement can feel like cramping, so maybe that is what is happening. I also think the baby may have dropped a little. I’m not sure, but I have noticed that my frequent urination suddenly became even more frequent, and this increase coincided with a decrease in bloating after eating (although I did have some bloating last night, so maybe this was just a fluke). Other than these things, I’ve felt absolutely nothing that would make me think labor is imminent, which I suppose is good since I’m not even officially 37 weeks yet.
I was looking forward to internal cervical checks, but I read today that the information that is learned from these checks rarely gives any true insight into the actual onset of labor. What I understand is that the cervical checks are actually more helpful in determining the likelihood of a successful induction, but since we are trying very hard to avoid induction, I’m not even that interested in it for that. I suppose it would give me some comfort to know that my body was beginning to go through the natural steps that eventually lead to the eviction of this baby without outside interventions, but on the other hand if the exam concludes that my cervix is 0% effaced and I’m totally closed, I’m concerned it may contribute to some undue stress (like worrying incessantly that I’m doomed to have an induction and an epidural and have no control over my labor experience at all). I guess the answer is that I will allow them to happen, but I will try not to obsess (yeah right) over the results.
So yesterday, my husband came out of work with a cup that had ice and water in it. The ice was those little balls of ice that you might get at a place like Sonic. I’ve never enjoyed chewing ice because my teeth are sensitive, but yesterday, I was like a mad woman. I couldn’t get enough of this ice. It was like an obsession. Now today, I’ve filled a glass with ice and water and have been chewing that ice all day too. This is really very unusual for me. So of course, I googled it. I really only did it because I wondered if it was a common craving in pregnancy or something. Well, the answer is…Yes, it is common in pregnancy, but is a symptom of anemia (which apparently is also common in pregnancy). I know being anemic is really not that big of a deal and more importantly, just because google says it, doesn’t mean that I am actually anemic, but seriously, why is it that I can’t just leave it alone. Why does everything need to have an answer via the world wide web. In addition, why am I trusting what I read there, when so many of the responses are so grammatically incorrect or misspelled that I can hardly discern the content. Clearly most of the contributors are not well educated in health related matters. The good news is that I do have my next appointment tomorrow, and I will mention to the doctor that I’ve been craving chewing ice, and let him tell me that I have nothing wrong with me.
On another note, I am still absolutely convinced that this baby will not be showing his face until 41+ weeks, yet I cannot seem to keep myself from mildly obsessing over labor signs. I have had intermittent cramping, mostly overnight, that reminds me of menstrual cramping. It’s very mild, and I could even be convinced that it is my imagination if I weren’t feeling it so often now. My doula said that often effacement can feel like cramping, so maybe that is what is happening. I also think the baby may have dropped a little. I’m not sure, but I have noticed that my frequent urination suddenly became even more frequent, and this increase coincided with a decrease in bloating after eating (although I did have some bloating last night, so maybe this was just a fluke). Other than these things, I’ve felt absolutely nothing that would make me think labor is imminent, which I suppose is good since I’m not even officially 37 weeks yet.
I was looking forward to internal cervical checks, but I read today that the information that is learned from these checks rarely gives any true insight into the actual onset of labor. What I understand is that the cervical checks are actually more helpful in determining the likelihood of a successful induction, but since we are trying very hard to avoid induction, I’m not even that interested in it for that. I suppose it would give me some comfort to know that my body was beginning to go through the natural steps that eventually lead to the eviction of this baby without outside interventions, but on the other hand if the exam concludes that my cervix is 0% effaced and I’m totally closed, I’m concerned it may contribute to some undue stress (like worrying incessantly that I’m doomed to have an induction and an epidural and have no control over my labor experience at all). I guess the answer is that I will allow them to happen, but I will try not to obsess (yeah right) over the results.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Hiccups
Google should be shut off for all pregnant women. It should be absolutely impossible or illegal to google “early pregnancy symptoms” or “menstrual like cramping during pregnancy” or “spotting during pregnancy” or anything else like that until you deliver a healthy baby. My most recent google violation was “fetal hiccups”. Why oh why did I ever think that it was necessary to obtain more information on something so cute and sweet that my baby was doing. Of course now, I dread the hiccups like a dreaded seeing blood on the toilet paper in the beginning. Turns out that “excessive fetal hiccups” can be a sign of fetal distress. Of course, there is no good answer on what constitutes “excessive”, but it seems that 2-3 times per day is in the ballpark of excessive. Starting on a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been noticing the baby hiccupping and I absolutely loved it. Then it started to happen a little more frequently and this week we are up to 2-3 times per week. I mentioned this to the doctor last week, and he didn’t act alarmed at all, but also admitted that there are some studies that indicate that excessive hiccups could be a problem. He told me to keep an eye on it and report back at my next appointment.
Today, I had a slow day at work and I had noticed hiccups 3 times per day several days in a row and I decided to obsessively google this issue until I was sufficiently convinced that I would surely have a stillborn baby. I called the nurse today to let her know about this, of course, the doctor is out today. She called me back and told me that if a sonogram was necessary, there was a room available at the time of my appointment and that I had the last appointment of the day, so we would have time to talk. Somehow, this reaction on her part made me even more obsessive about finding out as much as I could about fetal hiccups.
I read plenty of reassuring stories of how several bouts of hiccups a day was completely normal, but on almost every site, there was one story about that one woman who didn’t think anything of the hiccups until one day, her baby no longer had a heartbeat. She was urging those whose babies had frequent hiccups to alert their doctors and insist on an ultrasound to ensure everything was ok.
So basically, I am just trying to wish away the next 21 hours until my appointment. Honestly, deep down, I don’t think there is anything seriously wrong with this baby, and I’m generally grateful for the ability to be proactive in his health thanks to all the information available out there (however alarmist some of it may be). I just wish that there would be a time when I wasn’t stressing about this baby’s well-being. Is this my fate as a mother?? I just want a healthy baby on the outside of my body.
Today, I had a slow day at work and I had noticed hiccups 3 times per day several days in a row and I decided to obsessively google this issue until I was sufficiently convinced that I would surely have a stillborn baby. I called the nurse today to let her know about this, of course, the doctor is out today. She called me back and told me that if a sonogram was necessary, there was a room available at the time of my appointment and that I had the last appointment of the day, so we would have time to talk. Somehow, this reaction on her part made me even more obsessive about finding out as much as I could about fetal hiccups.
I read plenty of reassuring stories of how several bouts of hiccups a day was completely normal, but on almost every site, there was one story about that one woman who didn’t think anything of the hiccups until one day, her baby no longer had a heartbeat. She was urging those whose babies had frequent hiccups to alert their doctors and insist on an ultrasound to ensure everything was ok.
So basically, I am just trying to wish away the next 21 hours until my appointment. Honestly, deep down, I don’t think there is anything seriously wrong with this baby, and I’m generally grateful for the ability to be proactive in his health thanks to all the information available out there (however alarmist some of it may be). I just wish that there would be a time when I wasn’t stressing about this baby’s well-being. Is this my fate as a mother?? I just want a healthy baby on the outside of my body.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
34/35 Weeks
I’m starting to get really excited about this baby actually coming. I am 34.5 weeks, and although I definitely do not want him to come anytime soon, I do feel like there is some excitement now that I can start to look for signs of impending labor. Of course, so far I’ve had none.
As far as my symptoms, I’m feeling pretty good. I continue to struggle with constipation and heartburn (although the heartburn has been curbed by Prilosec OTC, for which I am so grateful). I am starting to notice some swelling in my ankles, but it’s still pretty minor. I get so overly full after every meal, particularly if I eat too much or too late. I will be glad when the baby drops, because I’ve heard that one of the noticeable changes you’ll have when the baby drops is less bloating after eating. I also now have to pee at least twice in the middle of the night. This really isn’t a big deal (and pales in comparison to a middle of the night feeding and diapering session), but getting up always makes my cat think that it’s time to eat, so then I have to either listen to him cry for an hour or shut him out of our room so he can’t bother us, and the whole ordeal is annoying. The cat has also found that our pack and play with the changer installed makes an awesome hiding place. I am NOT a cat person, and really have no interest in this cat, so if he knows what’s good for him, he will quit with the shenanigans and stay away from the baby’s things. He could end up living in the barn if he keeps it up.
We are meeting with our doula again tonight to go over our birth plan. I’m excited to talk with her again and start to do some planning for the birth. Having this meeting makes me realize that things really are starting to get close. I feel like the weeks do go by more quickly ever since our third trimester began. I’m not usually one who enjoys lots of attention, but I have to say the bigger my belly gets, the more people who stop me and talk to me or try to help me or just give me knowing smiles and understanding faces. I think it’s all very special. Don't get me wrong, I will be very happy to shed this basketball from my frame, but I really think the third trimester gets a bad rap. I’ve enjoyed it so much. It’s like people finally recognize that you are carrying this special package inside you, and they roll out the red carpet. It’s fun.
I don’t believe that I’ve experienced any noticeable Braxton Hicks contractions except maybe for today. I can’t even be sure about today’s experience but it did feel slightly different from any other contraction-type feeling I’ve had. For a long time I thought I was having BH contractions that lasted just a couple of seconds, but now that the baby is bigger, I really think that feeling is him stretching across my uterus. I get a butt up in my upper left uterus area and a hand or something in my lower right area. It’s uncomfortable, but I really do think it’s movement, not a contraction. Today, however, I did have a feeling that was a bit uncomfortable and reminded me of a ligament being pulled or something and it went on for probably a minute. I’ve been wishing for another feeling like this all day to see if I can better diagnose it, but I haven’t had one yet.
In baby prep news, our beautiful nursery furniture is delayed and isn’t likely to arrive until July 18th (and even then, who knows). This timing should be just fine. I don’t expect to go into labor early, but it really annoys me that something like nursery furniture can take 13+ weeks. Most of us just don’t have that much time. I ordered this furniture at 24 weeks, and I didn’t feel that comfortable ordering prior to that. Luckily, they had the crib in stock, so we do already have that, which would get us through if baby did come early. I just want to put everything away and organize all his things BEFORE he arrives.
As far as my symptoms, I’m feeling pretty good. I continue to struggle with constipation and heartburn (although the heartburn has been curbed by Prilosec OTC, for which I am so grateful). I am starting to notice some swelling in my ankles, but it’s still pretty minor. I get so overly full after every meal, particularly if I eat too much or too late. I will be glad when the baby drops, because I’ve heard that one of the noticeable changes you’ll have when the baby drops is less bloating after eating. I also now have to pee at least twice in the middle of the night. This really isn’t a big deal (and pales in comparison to a middle of the night feeding and diapering session), but getting up always makes my cat think that it’s time to eat, so then I have to either listen to him cry for an hour or shut him out of our room so he can’t bother us, and the whole ordeal is annoying. The cat has also found that our pack and play with the changer installed makes an awesome hiding place. I am NOT a cat person, and really have no interest in this cat, so if he knows what’s good for him, he will quit with the shenanigans and stay away from the baby’s things. He could end up living in the barn if he keeps it up.
We are meeting with our doula again tonight to go over our birth plan. I’m excited to talk with her again and start to do some planning for the birth. Having this meeting makes me realize that things really are starting to get close. I feel like the weeks do go by more quickly ever since our third trimester began. I’m not usually one who enjoys lots of attention, but I have to say the bigger my belly gets, the more people who stop me and talk to me or try to help me or just give me knowing smiles and understanding faces. I think it’s all very special. Don't get me wrong, I will be very happy to shed this basketball from my frame, but I really think the third trimester gets a bad rap. I’ve enjoyed it so much. It’s like people finally recognize that you are carrying this special package inside you, and they roll out the red carpet. It’s fun.
I don’t believe that I’ve experienced any noticeable Braxton Hicks contractions except maybe for today. I can’t even be sure about today’s experience but it did feel slightly different from any other contraction-type feeling I’ve had. For a long time I thought I was having BH contractions that lasted just a couple of seconds, but now that the baby is bigger, I really think that feeling is him stretching across my uterus. I get a butt up in my upper left uterus area and a hand or something in my lower right area. It’s uncomfortable, but I really do think it’s movement, not a contraction. Today, however, I did have a feeling that was a bit uncomfortable and reminded me of a ligament being pulled or something and it went on for probably a minute. I’ve been wishing for another feeling like this all day to see if I can better diagnose it, but I haven’t had one yet.
In baby prep news, our beautiful nursery furniture is delayed and isn’t likely to arrive until July 18th (and even then, who knows). This timing should be just fine. I don’t expect to go into labor early, but it really annoys me that something like nursery furniture can take 13+ weeks. Most of us just don’t have that much time. I ordered this furniture at 24 weeks, and I didn’t feel that comfortable ordering prior to that. Luckily, they had the crib in stock, so we do already have that, which would get us through if baby did come early. I just want to put everything away and organize all his things BEFORE he arrives.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Childbirth Class
We attended an awesome prepared childbirth class at the hospital last weekend. I always assumed that this class would be primarily review, and I planned to go for my husband’s benefit more than my own. I couldn’t have been more pleasantly surprised with the content. The class did have a great deal of review. My husband kept whispering that I should be taking notes, but I reminded him that the things that were being discussed were things I could recite anytime without notes, but I was so happy that he was engaged enough to be listening that way. So, we went through the obligatory informational part of the class, and got that out of the way, which is when I feel the real value came in.
I went into this class pretty scared of the idea of getting this baby out of my body. I had plans to get to the hospital when it was appropriate, manage through the pain until it seemed like an epidural would be welcome, and then get the epidural and chill through the rest. I knew pushing would be exhausting, but I didn’t really expect it to be terribly painful, and I was just hopeful that I could handle the whole process without a great deal of pain, trauma or fear.
The other idea that I had before I went into the class was that it would be extremely convenient to simply schedule an induction for the birth. This would allow me to give my family dates that they could come visit and I could schedule the time off work appropriately. I also wouldn’t have to worry about going into active labor at 1am or my doctor being unavailable at the time. Of course, there is always the chance that the baby would decide to come earlier than the induction, but I’ve always had the hunch that he would come late. My mom was 2+ weeks late with all three of us and my sister was induced about 12 days past her due date. My doctor won’t allow me to go more than 2 weeks late, but I figured I would just schedule the induction for about 2 days after my due date.
After an 8 hour class with a lovely doula/nurse/lactation consultant at the hospital, I have changed my mind completely on both of these items. Melissa gave us so much information about the benefits of allowing labor to begin on its own. I could write pages if I tried to go through it all, but it made so much sense to me. Here is an article that covers many of the items she discussed.
http://www.lamaze.org/ChildbirthEducators/ResourcesforEducators/CarePracticePapers/LaborBeginsOnItsOwn/tabid/487/Default.aspx
I am now very much dedicated to letting labor begin on its own. In fact, I will be disappointed if I must induce because I’m going so late, but not disappointed enough to put the baby at risk. My hope is that if we’re already 2 weeks late, then the baby won’t be too terribly unwilling to come out, like he might have been if we induced a week early.
The other thing I have really changed my mind on is the epidural. Now I’m not suggesting that I’ve committed myself to a drug-free birth. I wish I was brave enough to commit to that, but I’m not. What I am saying is that I am committed to trying to do this birth without an epidural, but if I need it at some point, I won’t beat myself up for “caving in”. I used to think inducing and epidurals gave me the largest amount of control that I could have in my birth experience, but after reading all this information, I feel just the opposite. Being hooked up to IV’s, monitors and catheters put me in a position where I am completely powerless to use my own body to help get this baby down and out. I’m totally at the mercy of the doctors and nurses. I still am very trusting of medical professionals and I’m not in any way trying to say that I would prefer to run the show rather than them, but the fact is, this is not a malfunction or a sickness in my body that needs to be treated. My body was designed to perform this function. I feel that giving my body the chance to actually participate in this without immediately stripping myself of all control makes sense for both me and for baby.
For this (still intimidating) process, my husband and I have enlisted the services of a doula. We feel that there is no downside to having her there and she can help us carry out our plans the way we want them and also provide me with a great deal of support.
I went into this class pretty scared of the idea of getting this baby out of my body. I had plans to get to the hospital when it was appropriate, manage through the pain until it seemed like an epidural would be welcome, and then get the epidural and chill through the rest. I knew pushing would be exhausting, but I didn’t really expect it to be terribly painful, and I was just hopeful that I could handle the whole process without a great deal of pain, trauma or fear.
The other idea that I had before I went into the class was that it would be extremely convenient to simply schedule an induction for the birth. This would allow me to give my family dates that they could come visit and I could schedule the time off work appropriately. I also wouldn’t have to worry about going into active labor at 1am or my doctor being unavailable at the time. Of course, there is always the chance that the baby would decide to come earlier than the induction, but I’ve always had the hunch that he would come late. My mom was 2+ weeks late with all three of us and my sister was induced about 12 days past her due date. My doctor won’t allow me to go more than 2 weeks late, but I figured I would just schedule the induction for about 2 days after my due date.
After an 8 hour class with a lovely doula/nurse/lactation consultant at the hospital, I have changed my mind completely on both of these items. Melissa gave us so much information about the benefits of allowing labor to begin on its own. I could write pages if I tried to go through it all, but it made so much sense to me. Here is an article that covers many of the items she discussed.
http://www.lamaze.org/ChildbirthEducators/ResourcesforEducators/CarePracticePapers/LaborBeginsOnItsOwn/tabid/487/Default.aspx
I am now very much dedicated to letting labor begin on its own. In fact, I will be disappointed if I must induce because I’m going so late, but not disappointed enough to put the baby at risk. My hope is that if we’re already 2 weeks late, then the baby won’t be too terribly unwilling to come out, like he might have been if we induced a week early.
The other thing I have really changed my mind on is the epidural. Now I’m not suggesting that I’ve committed myself to a drug-free birth. I wish I was brave enough to commit to that, but I’m not. What I am saying is that I am committed to trying to do this birth without an epidural, but if I need it at some point, I won’t beat myself up for “caving in”. I used to think inducing and epidurals gave me the largest amount of control that I could have in my birth experience, but after reading all this information, I feel just the opposite. Being hooked up to IV’s, monitors and catheters put me in a position where I am completely powerless to use my own body to help get this baby down and out. I’m totally at the mercy of the doctors and nurses. I still am very trusting of medical professionals and I’m not in any way trying to say that I would prefer to run the show rather than them, but the fact is, this is not a malfunction or a sickness in my body that needs to be treated. My body was designed to perform this function. I feel that giving my body the chance to actually participate in this without immediately stripping myself of all control makes sense for both me and for baby.
For this (still intimidating) process, my husband and I have enlisted the services of a doula. We feel that there is no downside to having her there and she can help us carry out our plans the way we want them and also provide me with a great deal of support.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Update 31 weeks 3 days
So far the third trimester has been my favorite. I know this is likely to change in the next 8 weeks or so, but it really has been the best so far. In the first trimester, I was miserable with all-day sickness and fatigue, but I had to keep my misery to myself for the most part and put on a happy face for work and everything. Plus the first trimester went by so slowly. I feel like I can remember every single day. I was so stressed about making to the 2nd trimester and I wanted the nausea to go away so much that it really dragged on forever.
The second trimester, I felt much better than the first, but it was just kind of boring. I still didn’t really look genuinely pregnant. Strangers would take a second glance at my belly, but no one seemed to be willing to say anything for fear of being wrong. I also became pretty uncomfortable moving around and sleeping at this stage, but everyone seemed to constantly remind me how great I should be feeling, so I was just waiting for everything to get worse. I did begin to feel movement in the second trimester, but it was still so surreal that it was hard to equate those taps to an actual person inside me.
Now in my third trimester, I’m definitely uncomfortable getting up and laying in bed and getting in and out of the car, etc, but it’s because I have a big BABY in the way. Everyone can see the reason for my discomfort and it somehow validates it. I have to pee all the time, but I don’t care because I have a big BABY crushing my bladder. I can feel the constant movements of the baby and they can be so strong that they are uncomfortable, but it makes me feel like I’m getting to know him a bit. I still find the whole thing surreal, but even looking at my belly, the little creature inside is starting to resemble a small baby, not just some unknown bumping feeling. I am starting to get big enough now that I have to be very careful about how much I eat in one sitting or I am incredibly bloated and uncomfortable for the rest of the day. Again though, this is all due to this growing baby that is taking up all the room inside me. I don’t mind sharing with him.
I am not generally fond of being the center of attention, and actually find situations where this is the case somewhat uncomfortable, but for some reason it doesn’t bother me that everywhere I go, strangers strike up conversations with me about the little one in my tummy. Not a day goes by where I’m not asked a question or given a piece of advice or just generally admired for my pregnant state. It is such a reminder that pregnancy is a special time. It is even more special to be pregnant for the first time. The third trimester has just treated me well. I am hopeful that I can continue to enjoy it for as long as possible before I’m counting the days for this little one to come out.
The second trimester, I felt much better than the first, but it was just kind of boring. I still didn’t really look genuinely pregnant. Strangers would take a second glance at my belly, but no one seemed to be willing to say anything for fear of being wrong. I also became pretty uncomfortable moving around and sleeping at this stage, but everyone seemed to constantly remind me how great I should be feeling, so I was just waiting for everything to get worse. I did begin to feel movement in the second trimester, but it was still so surreal that it was hard to equate those taps to an actual person inside me.
Now in my third trimester, I’m definitely uncomfortable getting up and laying in bed and getting in and out of the car, etc, but it’s because I have a big BABY in the way. Everyone can see the reason for my discomfort and it somehow validates it. I have to pee all the time, but I don’t care because I have a big BABY crushing my bladder. I can feel the constant movements of the baby and they can be so strong that they are uncomfortable, but it makes me feel like I’m getting to know him a bit. I still find the whole thing surreal, but even looking at my belly, the little creature inside is starting to resemble a small baby, not just some unknown bumping feeling. I am starting to get big enough now that I have to be very careful about how much I eat in one sitting or I am incredibly bloated and uncomfortable for the rest of the day. Again though, this is all due to this growing baby that is taking up all the room inside me. I don’t mind sharing with him.
I am not generally fond of being the center of attention, and actually find situations where this is the case somewhat uncomfortable, but for some reason it doesn’t bother me that everywhere I go, strangers strike up conversations with me about the little one in my tummy. Not a day goes by where I’m not asked a question or given a piece of advice or just generally admired for my pregnant state. It is such a reminder that pregnancy is a special time. It is even more special to be pregnant for the first time. The third trimester has just treated me well. I am hopeful that I can continue to enjoy it for as long as possible before I’m counting the days for this little one to come out.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
28 Weeks 2 Days
Finally I have surpassed the 28 week milestone. I have set little mini-goals throughout this pregnancy to pass the many weeks more quickly, and 28 weeks was kind of the last one I had in my mind. I guess my next goal would be to get to 31 weeks so I can stop my Lovenox injections. After that it would probably be 37 weeks, so I can be considered full term. Time is definitely passing more quickly. I’m growing so quickly now that it’s noticeable to people who have only been away from me for a week. I’m also starting to feel more in touch with this baby because of the changes he’s going through.
In the past 2-3 days the movement I feel from the baby has changed from kicks and pokes to a much more pronounced rolling and pressing feeling. Although many of his kicks were visible from the outside, the rolls are just amazing. It is almost like I can picture him as I watch my tummy contort and move from one side to the other. I’m not yet able to identify parts of the body or anything, but I will see a large movement that changes the entire shape of my bump. I am still having trouble grasping the concept that in just a couple months, I will be holding a baby, but this movement is making it a bit easier to believe that I'm not just having abdominal rumblings.
We are slowly but surely acquiring the many items that will be necessary to care for and feed this tiny bundle of joy. I am still at a loss as to what this baby will be wearing most of the time in his early days here. I have swaddle blankets, sleep sacks, footed, long sleeved onesie sleepers, etc, but I’m not sure which if any will be his preferred sleeping gear. I also have many clothes, but I’m unclear on things such as whether pants will be a necessity with a short sleeved onesie in the middle of summer. I am enough of a planner that I would prefer to have too many options than too few options, and I would prefer not to have to shop for clothes for the little one when I’m just trying to survive his first couple of weeks, so I’m a bit confused about exactly what to do. I also am confused about sizes. Obviously newborn is very small (and most people say there should only be a few things in this size), but is the next size 0-3 or 3-6, and is a size “3 months” equivalent to a 0-3 or a 3-6. Clearly the 6 month sized items would be too big for a newborn, but could I pull off some slightly larger items in a pinch or do I need to have enough newborn things to actually get him through. This is only the beginning of my confusion. I have several questions about all the other categories of items too. It’s making me a bit crazy.
The hives/rash or whatever on my face is beginning to clear up. It’s mostly gone actually, but still a bit itchy and noticeable if you look closely. It has now spread thoroughly to my legs, arms, ankles wrists and hands. I could go completely insane trying not to scratch this. The doctor suspects poison ivy, but I can’t imagine that is the case since I have not spent much time in any areas that even could have poison ivy. No matter what though he said this is atopic dermatitis of some sort and we are basically stuck letting it run it’s course. I would suspect PUPPs, but it seems my husband may have a few splotches of it as well, plus it started on my face and I think PUPPs is uncommon on the face. Other than this inconvenience, I’m feeling really good this week. No real complaints. YAY! So far the third trimester is my favorite (although people tell me that will change in a few weeks, I’m sure they’re right).
In the past 2-3 days the movement I feel from the baby has changed from kicks and pokes to a much more pronounced rolling and pressing feeling. Although many of his kicks were visible from the outside, the rolls are just amazing. It is almost like I can picture him as I watch my tummy contort and move from one side to the other. I’m not yet able to identify parts of the body or anything, but I will see a large movement that changes the entire shape of my bump. I am still having trouble grasping the concept that in just a couple months, I will be holding a baby, but this movement is making it a bit easier to believe that I'm not just having abdominal rumblings.
We are slowly but surely acquiring the many items that will be necessary to care for and feed this tiny bundle of joy. I am still at a loss as to what this baby will be wearing most of the time in his early days here. I have swaddle blankets, sleep sacks, footed, long sleeved onesie sleepers, etc, but I’m not sure which if any will be his preferred sleeping gear. I also have many clothes, but I’m unclear on things such as whether pants will be a necessity with a short sleeved onesie in the middle of summer. I am enough of a planner that I would prefer to have too many options than too few options, and I would prefer not to have to shop for clothes for the little one when I’m just trying to survive his first couple of weeks, so I’m a bit confused about exactly what to do. I also am confused about sizes. Obviously newborn is very small (and most people say there should only be a few things in this size), but is the next size 0-3 or 3-6, and is a size “3 months” equivalent to a 0-3 or a 3-6. Clearly the 6 month sized items would be too big for a newborn, but could I pull off some slightly larger items in a pinch or do I need to have enough newborn things to actually get him through. This is only the beginning of my confusion. I have several questions about all the other categories of items too. It’s making me a bit crazy.
The hives/rash or whatever on my face is beginning to clear up. It’s mostly gone actually, but still a bit itchy and noticeable if you look closely. It has now spread thoroughly to my legs, arms, ankles wrists and hands. I could go completely insane trying not to scratch this. The doctor suspects poison ivy, but I can’t imagine that is the case since I have not spent much time in any areas that even could have poison ivy. No matter what though he said this is atopic dermatitis of some sort and we are basically stuck letting it run it’s course. I would suspect PUPPs, but it seems my husband may have a few splotches of it as well, plus it started on my face and I think PUPPs is uncommon on the face. Other than this inconvenience, I’m feeling really good this week. No real complaints. YAY! So far the third trimester is my favorite (although people tell me that will change in a few weeks, I’m sure they’re right).
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
27 weeks 2 days
For my 27 week update I want to document a few of my symptoms for my own benefit later on. I am still feeling pretty good. I certainly don’t feel un-pregnant, but I don’t feel miserable either. My biggest issues are the following:
• Constipation (or just general difficulty in that area). It doesn’t matter what I eat or how much I drink, I have trouble there.
• Heartburn – This is a constant battle for me. Again, it doesn’t seem to matter at all what I eat or if I lay down too soon or stay sitting up, etc. I just have this constant burning of acid in the back of my throat. I have found that gum is a very good remedy for this. I’m not sure if it actually helps it or just makes it less noticeable, but it is my go-to when the heartburn starts. I just can’t pop 10 Tums every time I feel it and it takes about 10 to do any good.
• Sore feet – I have found that I simply cannot stand up and walk around and do errands like I could before I was pregnant. My body will tolerate about ½ the number of hours on my feet that it used to and that number is dwindling. Every weekend, I am nearly unable to walk by the end of the day simply from being up and around all day.
• Hives/Rash/Eczema? - A recent, and very unfortunate development. I woke up last Wednesday with what appeared to be a rash all over the right side of my face. This evolved into large swollen welts by Thursday. It really looked and felt like hives. They itch like crazy. Over the weekend it started to remind me of eczema, but I cannot be sure. I will endure anything to get this baby here and in the grand scheme, this symptom is very minor, but from a vanity perspective, it has taken a toll on me. It looks like a very large, severe acne breakout. In addition to my face, I have other areas which are now getting itchy bumps such as my legs, shoulders, inside my elbow, etc. I also have two common eczema sites that have flared up. I am going to the doctor today, but I really don’t expect a resolution. I’m just going to rule out anything that could be threatening to the pregnancy.
• Lack of hunger – This is kind of convenient since my whole life I’ve required food every couple of hours. It seems the baby is pushing in my stomach or something and I just don’t have the desire to eat as much. I’m definitely still taking in a good amount of calories, because I kind of like to eat, so I’m still doing it, it’s just nice not to have to deal with being hungry every 2 hours.
I think that’s all the main symptoms. I do have a lot of trouble bending over and I’ve become annoyingly clumsy. I also struggle turning over in bed, getting in and out of the car, and other small things like that.
I am starting to feel like nesting. I’m sure this isn’t the tell-tale instinct that signals the end of a pregnancy, but I’m overcome with an urge to get ready for baby by cleaning out closets and drawers, purchasing items for caring for him, and generally get the house ready to go.
I’ve been browsing books that will give me some guidance on the first several weeks of having the baby at home. I’ve heard of several books but I’m having trouble picking them because of the fact that there is some seriously controversial stuff written about newborn care. I have heard good things about Baby Wise from real people, but when I read the reviews, there were nearly as many horrible reviews as there were great reviews. This concerns me, but I do like the idea of structure, which this book seems to help design. I also have heard good things about the Happiest Baby on the Block, but some say it’s only good for the first few weeks and generally the information is pretty light. I think I’ll get both of these books and try to extract the good stuff from them both and ignore the advice I find irrelevant or inappropriate. I suppose women had to feel their way through this experience without books for decades, so I’m sure everything will be fine.
• Constipation (or just general difficulty in that area). It doesn’t matter what I eat or how much I drink, I have trouble there.
• Heartburn – This is a constant battle for me. Again, it doesn’t seem to matter at all what I eat or if I lay down too soon or stay sitting up, etc. I just have this constant burning of acid in the back of my throat. I have found that gum is a very good remedy for this. I’m not sure if it actually helps it or just makes it less noticeable, but it is my go-to when the heartburn starts. I just can’t pop 10 Tums every time I feel it and it takes about 10 to do any good.
• Sore feet – I have found that I simply cannot stand up and walk around and do errands like I could before I was pregnant. My body will tolerate about ½ the number of hours on my feet that it used to and that number is dwindling. Every weekend, I am nearly unable to walk by the end of the day simply from being up and around all day.
• Hives/Rash/Eczema? - A recent, and very unfortunate development. I woke up last Wednesday with what appeared to be a rash all over the right side of my face. This evolved into large swollen welts by Thursday. It really looked and felt like hives. They itch like crazy. Over the weekend it started to remind me of eczema, but I cannot be sure. I will endure anything to get this baby here and in the grand scheme, this symptom is very minor, but from a vanity perspective, it has taken a toll on me. It looks like a very large, severe acne breakout. In addition to my face, I have other areas which are now getting itchy bumps such as my legs, shoulders, inside my elbow, etc. I also have two common eczema sites that have flared up. I am going to the doctor today, but I really don’t expect a resolution. I’m just going to rule out anything that could be threatening to the pregnancy.
• Lack of hunger – This is kind of convenient since my whole life I’ve required food every couple of hours. It seems the baby is pushing in my stomach or something and I just don’t have the desire to eat as much. I’m definitely still taking in a good amount of calories, because I kind of like to eat, so I’m still doing it, it’s just nice not to have to deal with being hungry every 2 hours.
I think that’s all the main symptoms. I do have a lot of trouble bending over and I’ve become annoyingly clumsy. I also struggle turning over in bed, getting in and out of the car, and other small things like that.
I am starting to feel like nesting. I’m sure this isn’t the tell-tale instinct that signals the end of a pregnancy, but I’m overcome with an urge to get ready for baby by cleaning out closets and drawers, purchasing items for caring for him, and generally get the house ready to go.
I’ve been browsing books that will give me some guidance on the first several weeks of having the baby at home. I’ve heard of several books but I’m having trouble picking them because of the fact that there is some seriously controversial stuff written about newborn care. I have heard good things about Baby Wise from real people, but when I read the reviews, there were nearly as many horrible reviews as there were great reviews. This concerns me, but I do like the idea of structure, which this book seems to help design. I also have heard good things about the Happiest Baby on the Block, but some say it’s only good for the first few weeks and generally the information is pretty light. I think I’ll get both of these books and try to extract the good stuff from them both and ignore the advice I find irrelevant or inappropriate. I suppose women had to feel their way through this experience without books for decades, so I’m sure everything will be fine.
Monday, April 25, 2011
26 weeks 1 day
I have been so busy at work (and at home) that I have simply not had a chance to post anything for a while. I'm grateful for the distraction that a busy workday can provide. I still can't honestly say that the weeks are flying by, but I'm definitely feeling a little pressure to get things done and I don't feel like time has stopped like I did in my first trimester.
I ordered our nursery furniture last week, and we were able to pick up the crib right from the store. This was a very big step for us because I have always felt that a purchase like that was way too significant to do if we weren't actually going to be bringing a baby home. I guess I'm starting to believe it's actually going to happen. Of course, said furniture will not arrive for 8-10 weeks, so by the time it actually arrives, it's really going to be time. I wish we hadn't waited so long. The crib is assembled and in the nursery now. We also were able to get our glider this past weekend and that was assembled yesterday. I set that up in our living room, so I could enjoy it while watching tv and hanging out with hubby before the baby comes. I absolutely love it and I'm dreaming about sitting in it later today as I power through the last hour or so of work.
I am starting to feel the nesting instinct kick in. I've been cleaning closets (a chore I absolutely dread when not nesting), and I'm making little purchases each week to fulfill our enormous baby needs in time. We were actually very lucky to receive several large items from my sister. She sent an infant car seat, a convertible car seat, a breast pump, a Baby Bjorn, a bouncy chair, a crib mattress, several crib sheets and playard sheets, and a pretty good sized box of clothes. My sister's baby was a girl, so much of her stuff is girly, but everything she sent was unisex or neutral and there were enough boy clothes to really put a dent in my list of things I need, so I'm feeling extremely blessed.
I don't believe I will be having a shower at all because my family and friends are all out of state and I don't want to travel, so other than a few things here and there, we won't be receiving big gifts from people. That being said, my parents bought us our pack n play, my in-laws bought us the glider, a friend of my mother-in-law was extremely generous and bought us a pack n play as well (the registry update was delayed just enough to cause that duplication), which I exchanged for the bedding we picked for the crib (they'll never know the pack n play we have isn't the one they bought). Generally, I feel that we have a good start and if I spread the remaining purchases over the next 14 weeks, we should be able to fairly painlessly get all the stuff we need.
I also have had a compelling urge to prepare my diaper bag and the changing area for the baby. This makes little sense right now, because I don't even have a changing table yet, but I just feel like I want to get all that stuff ready. I'm trying to redirect that odd desire to more practical things like freezing some meals for my first couple of weeks with the baby. I am not one of those people who enjoys a weekend full of cooking and freezing. I would much rather make double dinners every weekend between now and delivery and freeze those instead. My biggest challenge is finding food we will want in August that also freezes well. August temps where I live are typically 100-105, so a lot of good freezable meals like soups and lasagna may not be good choices.
I start my third trimester either this Sunday or the next Sunday (depending on which method you use to calculate it), and I'm so excited. I've finally, finally graduated to the point where perfect strangers feel comfortable asking me when I'm due instead of curiously eyeing my bump not sure what to say. I'm sort of looking forward to them seeing me in the next few weeks as I get bigger than ever. I will say though, whenever I comment on another pregnant woman's body or bump in the future, I will be very careful about how I word it, so as not to offend, because it's amazing the things people will say.
I ordered our nursery furniture last week, and we were able to pick up the crib right from the store. This was a very big step for us because I have always felt that a purchase like that was way too significant to do if we weren't actually going to be bringing a baby home. I guess I'm starting to believe it's actually going to happen. Of course, said furniture will not arrive for 8-10 weeks, so by the time it actually arrives, it's really going to be time. I wish we hadn't waited so long. The crib is assembled and in the nursery now. We also were able to get our glider this past weekend and that was assembled yesterday. I set that up in our living room, so I could enjoy it while watching tv and hanging out with hubby before the baby comes. I absolutely love it and I'm dreaming about sitting in it later today as I power through the last hour or so of work.
I am starting to feel the nesting instinct kick in. I've been cleaning closets (a chore I absolutely dread when not nesting), and I'm making little purchases each week to fulfill our enormous baby needs in time. We were actually very lucky to receive several large items from my sister. She sent an infant car seat, a convertible car seat, a breast pump, a Baby Bjorn, a bouncy chair, a crib mattress, several crib sheets and playard sheets, and a pretty good sized box of clothes. My sister's baby was a girl, so much of her stuff is girly, but everything she sent was unisex or neutral and there were enough boy clothes to really put a dent in my list of things I need, so I'm feeling extremely blessed.
I don't believe I will be having a shower at all because my family and friends are all out of state and I don't want to travel, so other than a few things here and there, we won't be receiving big gifts from people. That being said, my parents bought us our pack n play, my in-laws bought us the glider, a friend of my mother-in-law was extremely generous and bought us a pack n play as well (the registry update was delayed just enough to cause that duplication), which I exchanged for the bedding we picked for the crib (they'll never know the pack n play we have isn't the one they bought). Generally, I feel that we have a good start and if I spread the remaining purchases over the next 14 weeks, we should be able to fairly painlessly get all the stuff we need.
I also have had a compelling urge to prepare my diaper bag and the changing area for the baby. This makes little sense right now, because I don't even have a changing table yet, but I just feel like I want to get all that stuff ready. I'm trying to redirect that odd desire to more practical things like freezing some meals for my first couple of weeks with the baby. I am not one of those people who enjoys a weekend full of cooking and freezing. I would much rather make double dinners every weekend between now and delivery and freeze those instead. My biggest challenge is finding food we will want in August that also freezes well. August temps where I live are typically 100-105, so a lot of good freezable meals like soups and lasagna may not be good choices.
I start my third trimester either this Sunday or the next Sunday (depending on which method you use to calculate it), and I'm so excited. I've finally, finally graduated to the point where perfect strangers feel comfortable asking me when I'm due instead of curiously eyeing my bump not sure what to say. I'm sort of looking forward to them seeing me in the next few weeks as I get bigger than ever. I will say though, whenever I comment on another pregnant woman's body or bump in the future, I will be very careful about how I word it, so as not to offend, because it's amazing the things people will say.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Baby Movement
This post got delayed from being published, so the dates are off, but it was still an exciting discovery, so I decided to post it anyway.
Sunday night for the first time (23 weeks exactly) I SAW the baby kicking from the outside! I had been on my feet all day long doing various things around the house and out side and I literally had not taken any time to sit down. I finally got dinner ready around 8pm and sat down on the couch in front of the TV with my husband (I know…bad) and all of a sudden someone was up and ready to move around. It was the longest and hardest activity session I have felt so far. I just could not believe some of the sucker punches I was getting. I pulled up my shirt to look and sure enough, my belly was popping up when he would kick me. I tried to get my husband in on this action, and he did feel a couple small taps, but he missed all the big kicks. It was amazing and just makes this experience even more real.
Sunday night for the first time (23 weeks exactly) I SAW the baby kicking from the outside! I had been on my feet all day long doing various things around the house and out side and I literally had not taken any time to sit down. I finally got dinner ready around 8pm and sat down on the couch in front of the TV with my husband (I know…bad) and all of a sudden someone was up and ready to move around. It was the longest and hardest activity session I have felt so far. I just could not believe some of the sucker punches I was getting. I pulled up my shirt to look and sure enough, my belly was popping up when he would kick me. I tried to get my husband in on this action, and he did feel a couple small taps, but he missed all the big kicks. It was amazing and just makes this experience even more real.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Shopping for Baby
Now that we’ve hit the second half of the pregnancy, I feel like there are hundreds of things that we need to get done before I get too big to be interested in doing anything. I also can’t help but be worried about having this baby early (even though deep down I think I’m more likely to go late). I just want to make sure everything is ready. I’m a planner, so I do not want to wait until the last minute for any of these items.
I have several priorities right now that need to be addressed in the next couple of weeks. We need to get carpet in the baby’s room, but before we do that, I suppose we should paint, so we can be sloppy about it if we want to. We also need to make a decision on furniture for the nursery. It is so hard to do this without being able to devote a lot of time to shopping, and right now with our jobs and our weekend responsibilities around the house, we just haven’t had much time. Once we get the nursery under control, I feel that I could move forward on buying all the other million things that this tiny person is going to need.
We have also spent quite a bit of time searching for some of our bigger items and trying to make decisions on them. I think we are finally decided on our stroller and our infant seat. I still need to research and decide on our pack n play/playyard, rocker/glider, baby monitor and camera system as well as a breast pump. I think those are the big items. I know that all the little items may actually be more overwhelming and when combined still add up to quite a sum of money, but since they aren’t as expensive, making the perfect decision doesn’t seem as stressful.
For our stroller, after a long process, I think we’ve decided on the City Mini. I really wanted the City Elite because of it’s smooth ride, shocks, larger tires, more upscale look, etc, but ultimately I think that the City Mini will be more practical for our life. It is 10lbs less, (16lbs vs 26lbs), it is generally smaller and I think the ease of use will win out over the more luxurious ride of the Elite.
I think we have also decided on the Chicco Keyfit 30 for our infant seat. This decision was based on consumer reports research, user reviews and ease of use. It seems the Chicco is the easiest seat to just plop down into the base. I am somewhat disappointed that it often will not fit on the grocery cart, but I think all the other good things about it make it a good choice despite that one flaw although I hear people say that perching your infant on top of a grocery cart isn’t exactly safe anyway, so I guess maybe it’s not such a bad thing that we can’t do it.
It was exhausting just making these two decisions final, so I’m very eager to get the other bigger items out of the way. The nursery furniture is the next thing on the list and it simply must be figured out in the next couple of weeks. I’m giving myself a goal of having the entire nursery selected (paint, carpet and furniture) by April 24th. I would like everything to be in the nursery assembled by mid-May. That should be plenty of time before baby is due to arrive.
I have several priorities right now that need to be addressed in the next couple of weeks. We need to get carpet in the baby’s room, but before we do that, I suppose we should paint, so we can be sloppy about it if we want to. We also need to make a decision on furniture for the nursery. It is so hard to do this without being able to devote a lot of time to shopping, and right now with our jobs and our weekend responsibilities around the house, we just haven’t had much time. Once we get the nursery under control, I feel that I could move forward on buying all the other million things that this tiny person is going to need.
We have also spent quite a bit of time searching for some of our bigger items and trying to make decisions on them. I think we are finally decided on our stroller and our infant seat. I still need to research and decide on our pack n play/playyard, rocker/glider, baby monitor and camera system as well as a breast pump. I think those are the big items. I know that all the little items may actually be more overwhelming and when combined still add up to quite a sum of money, but since they aren’t as expensive, making the perfect decision doesn’t seem as stressful.
For our stroller, after a long process, I think we’ve decided on the City Mini. I really wanted the City Elite because of it’s smooth ride, shocks, larger tires, more upscale look, etc, but ultimately I think that the City Mini will be more practical for our life. It is 10lbs less, (16lbs vs 26lbs), it is generally smaller and I think the ease of use will win out over the more luxurious ride of the Elite.
I think we have also decided on the Chicco Keyfit 30 for our infant seat. This decision was based on consumer reports research, user reviews and ease of use. It seems the Chicco is the easiest seat to just plop down into the base. I am somewhat disappointed that it often will not fit on the grocery cart, but I think all the other good things about it make it a good choice despite that one flaw although I hear people say that perching your infant on top of a grocery cart isn’t exactly safe anyway, so I guess maybe it’s not such a bad thing that we can’t do it.
It was exhausting just making these two decisions final, so I’m very eager to get the other bigger items out of the way. The nursery furniture is the next thing on the list and it simply must be figured out in the next couple of weeks. I’m giving myself a goal of having the entire nursery selected (paint, carpet and furniture) by April 24th. I would like everything to be in the nursery assembled by mid-May. That should be plenty of time before baby is due to arrive.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Update 22 weeks 2 days
Wow, it has been completely crazy at work the last two weeks. I am pleased to report that the time has been flying by and I can hardly believe that I am now 22 weeks pregnant! My second trimester has been largely uneventful. I am definitely growing a lot and it would be very hard to mistake my bump for just a big dinner or a beer belly anymore. It’s definitely a baby now. I am feeling the cutest little kicks and punches frequently throughout the day. In fact, yesterday, it was nearly all day long. The little one was very active.
My only real symptoms are pretty manageable. Every night I continue to suffer from a sharp pain in my ribs which I’m really hoping gets better rather than worse over the next couple of months, but my hopes aren’t too high on that. I also have a feeling of extreme fullness to the point of causing me shortness of breath following almost every meal, but particularly at night. I had my first leg cramp over the weekend, but it hasn’t happened again since then. I also have been having a great deal of trouble sleeping the last couple of nights, but again I hope that is temporary. None of these things cause me anywhere near the discomfort that I was experiencing in my first trimester with the morning sickness, so I’m a pretty blissful pregnant girl right now.
A couple of things that make me very nervous about the next few months are the increasing difficulty with minor things like bending over, putting on shoes, getting in and out of the car, etc. I realize these things are definitely not going to get easier as the baby grows and my abdomen swells to double and triple the size it is now.
We went to see our high risk specialist as well as the pediatric cardiologist last week. The pediatric cardiologist is recommended for all IVF babies, due to an increased risk in heart defects among them, but our report came back perfect and everything she could see at this point looked 100% normal. Our high risk exam also went very well. My placenta has moved out of the way of the cervix. My cervix is long, and closed and the baby is growing right on target with where he should be. Both doctors confirmed once again that this little one does indeed have boy parts, so I feel good to shop and start really accepting that we will be having a son. The bittersweet moment came when they released me back to my OB. I have so enjoyed being a patient in that practice. The doctors seem to really take the time to answer all your questions and they don’t seem like they are just pushing everyone through and collecting their payments like they do at the OB. I suppose since the cost of each visit is over $900, their ability to give the patient more attention makes sense, but I will miss them. On the other hand, I am extremely relieved that there is no reason to continue to see them.
My glucose test is coming up in two weeks and my parents are coming to visit that same weekend so I’m looking forward to that. My husband’s company is still very much in survival mode, but we have a better outlook on things than we did a couple of weeks ago. There is still very little chance for bonus payouts this year, but his salary shouldn’t have to be reduced and his job security is still good. I can’t complain about that.
That’s all for now!
My only real symptoms are pretty manageable. Every night I continue to suffer from a sharp pain in my ribs which I’m really hoping gets better rather than worse over the next couple of months, but my hopes aren’t too high on that. I also have a feeling of extreme fullness to the point of causing me shortness of breath following almost every meal, but particularly at night. I had my first leg cramp over the weekend, but it hasn’t happened again since then. I also have been having a great deal of trouble sleeping the last couple of nights, but again I hope that is temporary. None of these things cause me anywhere near the discomfort that I was experiencing in my first trimester with the morning sickness, so I’m a pretty blissful pregnant girl right now.
A couple of things that make me very nervous about the next few months are the increasing difficulty with minor things like bending over, putting on shoes, getting in and out of the car, etc. I realize these things are definitely not going to get easier as the baby grows and my abdomen swells to double and triple the size it is now.
We went to see our high risk specialist as well as the pediatric cardiologist last week. The pediatric cardiologist is recommended for all IVF babies, due to an increased risk in heart defects among them, but our report came back perfect and everything she could see at this point looked 100% normal. Our high risk exam also went very well. My placenta has moved out of the way of the cervix. My cervix is long, and closed and the baby is growing right on target with where he should be. Both doctors confirmed once again that this little one does indeed have boy parts, so I feel good to shop and start really accepting that we will be having a son. The bittersweet moment came when they released me back to my OB. I have so enjoyed being a patient in that practice. The doctors seem to really take the time to answer all your questions and they don’t seem like they are just pushing everyone through and collecting their payments like they do at the OB. I suppose since the cost of each visit is over $900, their ability to give the patient more attention makes sense, but I will miss them. On the other hand, I am extremely relieved that there is no reason to continue to see them.
My glucose test is coming up in two weeks and my parents are coming to visit that same weekend so I’m looking forward to that. My husband’s company is still very much in survival mode, but we have a better outlook on things than we did a couple of weeks ago. There is still very little chance for bonus payouts this year, but his salary shouldn’t have to be reduced and his job security is still good. I can’t complain about that.
That’s all for now!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Frustrations...
Today is really not a good day for me to update this blog because despite all the good things going on in my life right now, I’m writing this post to complain.
My husband has been working on a career transition. This transition involves taking on a leadership role that will ultimately better him professionally and give him much needed experience for the future leadership roles he plans to take on in larger companies as the years go on. This position has been fulfilling and enlightening on many levels. It does, however, come at a pay rate that is significantly less than he was making in Enterprise Sales. This is not entirely bad news since a large percentage of the compensation in a sales role is based on commission and while my husband has always been very successful, he also could never really count on that commission until deals were done, contracts signed, and clients were in the process of paying for the products and services he provided, whereas in his role today, he has a guaranteed income that is enough for us to live on for years to come as well as the potential for a bonus that is equal to a minimum of 25% of his overall salary based on company performance.
Unfortunately, yesterday his company abruptly lost its largest client and hence took a potential revenue hit of 30%. This forced the company to lay off many hardworking individuals to stay afloat and although my husband’s job security is not affected, his salary will be. There is little to no chance of actually realizing the bonus this year and he may potentially be asked to take a pay cut.
I feel that we are still incredibly lucky to both be employed, making relatively good salaries, but this is just so hard for me to handle right now. I wanted to be in a really good place financially when this baby is born. I feel a little guilty for complaining, because we are in a much better position than many people are. We also have the privilege of living in a lovely home on lots of land and having many nice things. The trouble is, none of that matters to me anymore. I just want to be good parents to our child and if my husband’s income potential decreases, I feel that mine will have to increase to provide for the family. In a way this is good, because I need a wake up call to get me out of this ridiculous job I am in now. I need to be doing more with my mind, my abilities and my experience. The scary part is, I feel very stuck. I am 20 weeks pregnant. There is no question I’m pregnant, and even if I could pass it off, I would feel very awkward applying for positions and not mentioning the fact that in a few short months I will be taking three months off. It sounds as though I am overly stressed about this, but I really am not, I am calm, (because we are well prepared for financial hiccups and we can survive long term on a new reduced salary) but I am also thinking about the options on a nearly constant basis trying to find the best answers.
Many people would say to cut our expenses. I have considered this option. The difficult part of this is that we are not in a position where we can’t pay our mortgage. We easily can pay our mortgage, we are just living on less that we would like. This makes it incredibly foolish to do something like sell our house right now at a time when the housing market is so damaged that we would likely lose money on our house. I think maybe the answer is that we just need to get used to not having a lot of the extras that we are used to until things pick back up and watch the little expenditures more carefully.
I suppose now might also be the time to have a confidential discussion with our Head of Research in my office. I need to begin looking at a career path again. I got caught up in a fantasy of taking advantage of this menial position by possibly working part time or some other solution to spend more time with the baby, but I think I will need to put in my 40 hours a week and collect my benefits, so that we can be the best parents possible when we are home with the little one. I really would like to move up to a different role here in my own company. It allows me the ability to stay on the same great benefits as well as the flexibility to make a move now or wait until after the baby is born. My concern is that an entry level Research position (which is likely what I am qualified for at this time) may pay less than I actually make now. Although the ultimate career path is more lucrative, there is often a pay decrease when moving from a high level administrative role to an entry level role even in a higher level job description. All those questions could probably be answered with a short meeting with our Head of Research, but that is a bit risky as well, since it would need to remain confidential. I need to make sure no one gets wind of the fact that I’m “unsatisfied” with my position. We are still very vulnerable to layoffs, so I don’t want to throw up a red flag that I might be a flight risk, particularly in my “condition”.
I wish I had all the answers. I wish I knew that my husband’s company would rebound effectively from this blow and in six months, he would be back on track to make the salary I know he feels the most comfortable with. Again, I am thankful for all the things we do have. I’m also VERY thankful that I am pregnant which, in a way, is the reason I have all these issues to worry about. We are still in a very stable financial position to raise a child. He just may not have the fancy stroller and furniture I was hoping for. I suppose I can attest to the fact that there is no correlation between nice baby things, and a happy child.
My husband has been working on a career transition. This transition involves taking on a leadership role that will ultimately better him professionally and give him much needed experience for the future leadership roles he plans to take on in larger companies as the years go on. This position has been fulfilling and enlightening on many levels. It does, however, come at a pay rate that is significantly less than he was making in Enterprise Sales. This is not entirely bad news since a large percentage of the compensation in a sales role is based on commission and while my husband has always been very successful, he also could never really count on that commission until deals were done, contracts signed, and clients were in the process of paying for the products and services he provided, whereas in his role today, he has a guaranteed income that is enough for us to live on for years to come as well as the potential for a bonus that is equal to a minimum of 25% of his overall salary based on company performance.
Unfortunately, yesterday his company abruptly lost its largest client and hence took a potential revenue hit of 30%. This forced the company to lay off many hardworking individuals to stay afloat and although my husband’s job security is not affected, his salary will be. There is little to no chance of actually realizing the bonus this year and he may potentially be asked to take a pay cut.
I feel that we are still incredibly lucky to both be employed, making relatively good salaries, but this is just so hard for me to handle right now. I wanted to be in a really good place financially when this baby is born. I feel a little guilty for complaining, because we are in a much better position than many people are. We also have the privilege of living in a lovely home on lots of land and having many nice things. The trouble is, none of that matters to me anymore. I just want to be good parents to our child and if my husband’s income potential decreases, I feel that mine will have to increase to provide for the family. In a way this is good, because I need a wake up call to get me out of this ridiculous job I am in now. I need to be doing more with my mind, my abilities and my experience. The scary part is, I feel very stuck. I am 20 weeks pregnant. There is no question I’m pregnant, and even if I could pass it off, I would feel very awkward applying for positions and not mentioning the fact that in a few short months I will be taking three months off. It sounds as though I am overly stressed about this, but I really am not, I am calm, (because we are well prepared for financial hiccups and we can survive long term on a new reduced salary) but I am also thinking about the options on a nearly constant basis trying to find the best answers.
Many people would say to cut our expenses. I have considered this option. The difficult part of this is that we are not in a position where we can’t pay our mortgage. We easily can pay our mortgage, we are just living on less that we would like. This makes it incredibly foolish to do something like sell our house right now at a time when the housing market is so damaged that we would likely lose money on our house. I think maybe the answer is that we just need to get used to not having a lot of the extras that we are used to until things pick back up and watch the little expenditures more carefully.
I suppose now might also be the time to have a confidential discussion with our Head of Research in my office. I need to begin looking at a career path again. I got caught up in a fantasy of taking advantage of this menial position by possibly working part time or some other solution to spend more time with the baby, but I think I will need to put in my 40 hours a week and collect my benefits, so that we can be the best parents possible when we are home with the little one. I really would like to move up to a different role here in my own company. It allows me the ability to stay on the same great benefits as well as the flexibility to make a move now or wait until after the baby is born. My concern is that an entry level Research position (which is likely what I am qualified for at this time) may pay less than I actually make now. Although the ultimate career path is more lucrative, there is often a pay decrease when moving from a high level administrative role to an entry level role even in a higher level job description. All those questions could probably be answered with a short meeting with our Head of Research, but that is a bit risky as well, since it would need to remain confidential. I need to make sure no one gets wind of the fact that I’m “unsatisfied” with my position. We are still very vulnerable to layoffs, so I don’t want to throw up a red flag that I might be a flight risk, particularly in my “condition”.
I wish I had all the answers. I wish I knew that my husband’s company would rebound effectively from this blow and in six months, he would be back on track to make the salary I know he feels the most comfortable with. Again, I am thankful for all the things we do have. I’m also VERY thankful that I am pregnant which, in a way, is the reason I have all these issues to worry about. We are still in a very stable financial position to raise a child. He just may not have the fancy stroller and furniture I was hoping for. I suppose I can attest to the fact that there is no correlation between nice baby things, and a happy child.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
18 Weeks 3 Days
Finally, I can welcome myself to the part of the second trimester where I feel really great! I have not had any queasiness, I am sleeping well, and I generally feel really good. I am having some minor complaints with regard to (ahem) constipation as well as brutally sore feet by the end of the day, but all in all, I feel like myself again. The best news is, I can actually stomach food that is good for me. I’ve been eating spinach salads, fruit, fish (in moderation), and other good foods not in the pizza food group.
I have also joined the gym in my building, something I should have done ages ago. There is no contract or initiation fee, so I just pay for the months I want. This is perfect, since I’m just not sure what each month of this pregnancy will bring in terms of ability to exercise. So far, I have only done walking and some light weights. I may never do more than that, but I think any kind of movement is good for me. Once May 15th rolls around it will be warm enough to use our pool at home and I can relax and exercise in the water (in complete privacy, yay, major plus) until the baby is due.
After all my complaining about my job, I have had a major revelation in the last two weeks. Yes, I hate what I’m doing (I don’t actually dread going to work, but I’m ashamed of the work I have been reduced to), but I’ve come to realize that I’m in this job because it’s where I’m supposed to be during and immediately after my pregnancy. I get the wonderful benefit of being able to dress in fairly comfortable attire (jeans on Fridays, dress slacks and a simple top every other day). I sit most of the day, so my weekend frustrations with horribly achy feet are generally eased. I also don’t have to be held to stressful deadlines or attend meetings or otherwise be “on”. I can sit back and handle things at a pace that works well for me.
The best part is…no one said I have to do this forever. I can get a job as a teacher once the baby is born (I am certified to teach any subject 4-8th grade, including math and science). I could call some of my old contacts and reenter the technology space, or even the equipment leasing industry, which is where a lot of my talents and interests lie, I could also just move up in the company I’m in to a research role. This would be a bigger role with a lot of new challenges. It’s all up to me. I’m not stuck here. I’m taking the great benefits, salary and flexibility and fitting it into my life as a nice low maintenance complement to an otherwise full life.
In other news, I’m really needing maternity clothes. I’ve already bought quite a few things, but it’s amazing how often I’m repeating things. I guess I will buy a few things each month as the seasons change. We live in a warmer climate with brutal summers, so there is no sense in buying a ton of things now, because even a ¾ sleeve will be out of the question once May hits and it’s 90 degrees. One thing I’m struggling with is my (TMI alert) nipples! I cannot keep these babies contained. When wearing a light colored shirt I have the appearance of someone who is very, very cold. I have certainly experienced some changes in that area, and my husband remarks almost daily on the size of my nipples (in a sweet and appreciative way, he loves boobs). I just thought these maternity bras I bought would be more adept at controlling this look. I hate to buy more bras, but there is no way I’m going to survive a July in this heat (often 105 degrees every day) without being able to wear a light colored shirt.
I have also joined the gym in my building, something I should have done ages ago. There is no contract or initiation fee, so I just pay for the months I want. This is perfect, since I’m just not sure what each month of this pregnancy will bring in terms of ability to exercise. So far, I have only done walking and some light weights. I may never do more than that, but I think any kind of movement is good for me. Once May 15th rolls around it will be warm enough to use our pool at home and I can relax and exercise in the water (in complete privacy, yay, major plus) until the baby is due.
After all my complaining about my job, I have had a major revelation in the last two weeks. Yes, I hate what I’m doing (I don’t actually dread going to work, but I’m ashamed of the work I have been reduced to), but I’ve come to realize that I’m in this job because it’s where I’m supposed to be during and immediately after my pregnancy. I get the wonderful benefit of being able to dress in fairly comfortable attire (jeans on Fridays, dress slacks and a simple top every other day). I sit most of the day, so my weekend frustrations with horribly achy feet are generally eased. I also don’t have to be held to stressful deadlines or attend meetings or otherwise be “on”. I can sit back and handle things at a pace that works well for me.
The best part is…no one said I have to do this forever. I can get a job as a teacher once the baby is born (I am certified to teach any subject 4-8th grade, including math and science). I could call some of my old contacts and reenter the technology space, or even the equipment leasing industry, which is where a lot of my talents and interests lie, I could also just move up in the company I’m in to a research role. This would be a bigger role with a lot of new challenges. It’s all up to me. I’m not stuck here. I’m taking the great benefits, salary and flexibility and fitting it into my life as a nice low maintenance complement to an otherwise full life.
In other news, I’m really needing maternity clothes. I’ve already bought quite a few things, but it’s amazing how often I’m repeating things. I guess I will buy a few things each month as the seasons change. We live in a warmer climate with brutal summers, so there is no sense in buying a ton of things now, because even a ¾ sleeve will be out of the question once May hits and it’s 90 degrees. One thing I’m struggling with is my (TMI alert) nipples! I cannot keep these babies contained. When wearing a light colored shirt I have the appearance of someone who is very, very cold. I have certainly experienced some changes in that area, and my husband remarks almost daily on the size of my nipples (in a sweet and appreciative way, he loves boobs). I just thought these maternity bras I bought would be more adept at controlling this look. I hate to buy more bras, but there is no way I’m going to survive a July in this heat (often 105 degrees every day) without being able to wear a light colored shirt.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Am I the only one who is sick to death of being informed of every thought my Facebook friends have and every activity they participate in?
I joined Facebook only for the ability to connect with people I may not have otherwise had access to. I moved away from my home town when I was 19 years old and have lived in other states ever since, so I don’t regularly run into my high school pals at the grocery store. Facebook gave me a way to reach them if I chose to, and to get a small glimpse into their life now.
I have now become so irritated by multiple updates a day about their whereabouts on a daily basis (is this even safe??), their every thought, and my least favorite…the vague comments designed to cause curiosity such as:
“Jennifer Smith says: I refuse to be treated this way”.
What way? What happened? Who did this to you? Why do I now feel guilty for possibly offending you when I haven’t spoken to you live in 5 years? Are these people just looking for attention? I don’t understand the purpose of publishing a statement like that for your 400 closest friends to read.
I know the simple solution would be to refrain from looking at it unless I am trying to connect with someone on my friend list. Well, this is where I have a lack of willpower. I guess I find these status updates intriguing in a similar way to a brutal wreck on the highway. I open the Facebook app on my phone at least three times a day and without exception I become frustrated with the completely unnecessary commentary.
A couple of times a week though, someone will include an announcement of their upcoming wedding or a baby being born or some other noteworthy event, and I find that information useful and interesting. I also enjoy reading some of my more witty friends telling a funny story about their children or their work or even making a cutting edge comment about current events.
I suppose many people could say the same thing about having an anonymous blog where I ramble on about my medical conditions, my thoughts and fears, and update the entire world about my life, when there may not be anyone who really wants these updates either.
I joined Facebook only for the ability to connect with people I may not have otherwise had access to. I moved away from my home town when I was 19 years old and have lived in other states ever since, so I don’t regularly run into my high school pals at the grocery store. Facebook gave me a way to reach them if I chose to, and to get a small glimpse into their life now.
I have now become so irritated by multiple updates a day about their whereabouts on a daily basis (is this even safe??), their every thought, and my least favorite…the vague comments designed to cause curiosity such as:
“Jennifer Smith says: I refuse to be treated this way”.
What way? What happened? Who did this to you? Why do I now feel guilty for possibly offending you when I haven’t spoken to you live in 5 years? Are these people just looking for attention? I don’t understand the purpose of publishing a statement like that for your 400 closest friends to read.
I know the simple solution would be to refrain from looking at it unless I am trying to connect with someone on my friend list. Well, this is where I have a lack of willpower. I guess I find these status updates intriguing in a similar way to a brutal wreck on the highway. I open the Facebook app on my phone at least three times a day and without exception I become frustrated with the completely unnecessary commentary.
A couple of times a week though, someone will include an announcement of their upcoming wedding or a baby being born or some other noteworthy event, and I find that information useful and interesting. I also enjoy reading some of my more witty friends telling a funny story about their children or their work or even making a cutting edge comment about current events.
I suppose many people could say the same thing about having an anonymous blog where I ramble on about my medical conditions, my thoughts and fears, and update the entire world about my life, when there may not be anyone who really wants these updates either.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
It's a ...??
We went to see our high risk specialist for an anatomy scan. I was secretly hoping we would learn the sex of the baby, but I really hated to get my hopes up since I was only 16 weeks 5 days at the time. I definitely didn’t want to hear the sex was one thing, then find out 4 weeks later that it’s something else. I would rather just not know, but I still was hoping a little.
We got to spend a lot of time with the little one during the scan. Everything is still checking out perfectly normal. All the measurements were perfect. The baby weighs 8oz (which is higher than my books say is normal, but I’m not sure how accurate the estimate is or how much babies vary at this age). There is still a small remnant of our little guy who didn’t make it. He looks so tiny compared to our healthy baby. Due to the presence of the fetal parts and placenta, we were unable to do the quad screen which was the last screening available to us. I’m not sure we will be able to do it at our next appointment since we will be over 20 weeks by then. This is really fine. I’m not too would up about that part of it anyway. For some reason, my biggest fears lie in my own body’s ability to support a pregnancy, not in the chromosomal makeup of the baby. Of course, I know there are risks, but I’m not terribly fearful of them, so I’m ok with waiting until the baby arrives.
So after a long scan and many measurements, the doctor asked us if we were hoping for a girl or a boy. I could tell she had found some evidence of one or the other. I told her that we really didn’t care, but that I thought it was a girl. Right as I said it, the doctor said, “Not with this thing he isn’t” and she revealed the “package” of our son. My husband whipped out his phone and started texting everyone he knew. The doctor made some sort of comment about how this boy wasn’t modest and how easy it was to find, which only fed into my husbands “Boy ego”. He was so thrilled. We got about five pictures of the little pee pee. I was in disbelief, but so excited. It’s true that it makes it so much more real. I really think I was kind of hoping for a boy as well, because I couldn’t believe how happy I was when she announced this. Maybe I would have felt that either way though.
Because this is just how I operate, there is this tiny part of me that says what if she’s wrong? What if she’s looking at the umbilical cord. Of course, this is a perinatalogist who makes her living (and has for many years) studying ultrasounds to find minor imperfections in tiny in utero babies. I think she would know a penis when she sees one. On top of that, I can see it with my own eyes. The only reason I even worry about her being wrong is because now that I know it’s a boy, I’m feeling “boy”. I think it would be kind of weird to switch that feeling to “girl”. The doctor gave us no reason whatsoever to doubt her, so I’m going with it. It’s never for sure until a baby with boy parts pops out. For the most part, I have come to realize and accept fully that I am carrying a boy child, and we’re so excited.
What a fun day to share with my husband. We’ve even almost picked a name. I’m just not sure if something else might come up that we like better, so I’m waiting to reveal it, but we’ve got one in mind. Everything is so much more fun when you can start the planning for baby stage of the pregnancy. It seems reckless almost to proceed and leave my fears of losing this baby behind, but I think for my own enjoyment, I’m going to start the planning phase.
We got to spend a lot of time with the little one during the scan. Everything is still checking out perfectly normal. All the measurements were perfect. The baby weighs 8oz (which is higher than my books say is normal, but I’m not sure how accurate the estimate is or how much babies vary at this age). There is still a small remnant of our little guy who didn’t make it. He looks so tiny compared to our healthy baby. Due to the presence of the fetal parts and placenta, we were unable to do the quad screen which was the last screening available to us. I’m not sure we will be able to do it at our next appointment since we will be over 20 weeks by then. This is really fine. I’m not too would up about that part of it anyway. For some reason, my biggest fears lie in my own body’s ability to support a pregnancy, not in the chromosomal makeup of the baby. Of course, I know there are risks, but I’m not terribly fearful of them, so I’m ok with waiting until the baby arrives.
So after a long scan and many measurements, the doctor asked us if we were hoping for a girl or a boy. I could tell she had found some evidence of one or the other. I told her that we really didn’t care, but that I thought it was a girl. Right as I said it, the doctor said, “Not with this thing he isn’t” and she revealed the “package” of our son. My husband whipped out his phone and started texting everyone he knew. The doctor made some sort of comment about how this boy wasn’t modest and how easy it was to find, which only fed into my husbands “Boy ego”. He was so thrilled. We got about five pictures of the little pee pee. I was in disbelief, but so excited. It’s true that it makes it so much more real. I really think I was kind of hoping for a boy as well, because I couldn’t believe how happy I was when she announced this. Maybe I would have felt that either way though.
Because this is just how I operate, there is this tiny part of me that says what if she’s wrong? What if she’s looking at the umbilical cord. Of course, this is a perinatalogist who makes her living (and has for many years) studying ultrasounds to find minor imperfections in tiny in utero babies. I think she would know a penis when she sees one. On top of that, I can see it with my own eyes. The only reason I even worry about her being wrong is because now that I know it’s a boy, I’m feeling “boy”. I think it would be kind of weird to switch that feeling to “girl”. The doctor gave us no reason whatsoever to doubt her, so I’m going with it. It’s never for sure until a baby with boy parts pops out. For the most part, I have come to realize and accept fully that I am carrying a boy child, and we’re so excited.
What a fun day to share with my husband. We’ve even almost picked a name. I’m just not sure if something else might come up that we like better, so I’m waiting to reveal it, but we’ve got one in mind. Everything is so much more fun when you can start the planning for baby stage of the pregnancy. It seems reckless almost to proceed and leave my fears of losing this baby behind, but I think for my own enjoyment, I’m going to start the planning phase.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tour of Labor and Delivery?
My unplanned tour of Labor and Delivery began when I noticed on Wednesday night that I had a bit of watery discharge. I sort of wrote it off, thinking that maybe I had leaked a little pee or something. Then Thursday around lunch time, I noticed it again. The ONE thing my doctor really emphasized was to pay attention to mucus and discharge because it can be a great clue if your cervix has decided to open slightly. I decided I should probably put in a very calm call to my OB. I spoke to the nurse and she reassured me that it probably was either just plain discharge that seemed more watery or even possibly pee, but then she said that the office takes this symptom very seriously, so they wanted me to go over to Labor and Delivery triage to be evaluated “just in case”!! I couldn’t believe my ears.
I finished up a few minor things at work, and got in the car and headed over there. I wasn’t sure where to park or where to go or anything, but thankfully it wasn’t a busy time of the day and everything came together when I got there. I was taken into a room immediately and asked a hundred questions including “do you feel safe at home” and “are you in an abusive relationship”. These questions were asked in a near whisper and I felt sorry for the women who have to think about how they might answer that question. After a pretty short time, a lovely young resident came into my room with her ultrasound machine and we took a peek at the little one. Everything looked perfect and the bag of water was perfectly intact. Although, I was quite sure that if this discharge was in fact amniotic fluid, that it was leaking very slowly, so I hadn’t expected to see anything less than a nice bag of fluid.
Then I was ushered into a room where they administered a few cultures. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this, but she used a speculum with no lubricant so as not to affect the result of the test, and it hurt like hell! I had this same experience when having my transfer, but was given a valium which clearly did give me some sense of calm. The good news was the test was negative for amniotic fluid. YAY! I’m still possibly going to be a mother in August! They ran a few other tests, I peed in a cup, and they released me after only 1.5 hours. This was a huge relief to me. Honestly, while the experience was scary, I had a feeling that everything was going to be fine. I also am glad to have had the opportunity to tour the facility and understand where to park so that when it’s the real thing, we can be calm.
Once again, this was a reminder that although I’m now 17 weeks pregnant, I’m still not able to just relax and begin to daydream about my little one. I’m wondering when I can get to that level of comfort.
I finished up a few minor things at work, and got in the car and headed over there. I wasn’t sure where to park or where to go or anything, but thankfully it wasn’t a busy time of the day and everything came together when I got there. I was taken into a room immediately and asked a hundred questions including “do you feel safe at home” and “are you in an abusive relationship”. These questions were asked in a near whisper and I felt sorry for the women who have to think about how they might answer that question. After a pretty short time, a lovely young resident came into my room with her ultrasound machine and we took a peek at the little one. Everything looked perfect and the bag of water was perfectly intact. Although, I was quite sure that if this discharge was in fact amniotic fluid, that it was leaking very slowly, so I hadn’t expected to see anything less than a nice bag of fluid.
Then I was ushered into a room where they administered a few cultures. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this, but she used a speculum with no lubricant so as not to affect the result of the test, and it hurt like hell! I had this same experience when having my transfer, but was given a valium which clearly did give me some sense of calm. The good news was the test was negative for amniotic fluid. YAY! I’m still possibly going to be a mother in August! They ran a few other tests, I peed in a cup, and they released me after only 1.5 hours. This was a huge relief to me. Honestly, while the experience was scary, I had a feeling that everything was going to be fine. I also am glad to have had the opportunity to tour the facility and understand where to park so that when it’s the real thing, we can be calm.
Once again, this was a reminder that although I’m now 17 weeks pregnant, I’m still not able to just relax and begin to daydream about my little one. I’m wondering when I can get to that level of comfort.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Just a little work rant
I’m not loving my job right now. I am in no position to complain, I mean, I have a job during one of the worst times in history for unemployment. I also don’t “hate” my job, I just don’t feel fulfilled. It’s easy for me to find the positive aspects in my choices and remember why I am here, but there are days where I resent the work. My job is actually fairly easy, yet fast moving and interesting, so it doesn’t bore me. It is something I can leave at the office every day and not worry about from home. It is something that probably will not require me (or even offer me) to take on more responsibilities in the future. I will likely receive a pay raise each year, and I think it’s relatively secure.
Sooooo what’s the problem?? Right??
I guess maybe I need to feel more important than this, or I need to feel like I’m using the education that I spent time and money on. I sometimes cannot believe this is what my life has come to.
I am an executive assistant. This role allows me to be in contact with some very important people with very well known large companies, but I am always bowing down to these people and always addressing them as Mr. or Ms. and always doing the most petty little things for them. I am good at this kind of work, so it should be a perfect fit, but there are days where I remember where I was only one short year ago and I just cannot believe it.
Last year, I was running the accessories and services business for a large technology reseller. I was well respected and I had two people reporting to me. I was designing advertising and sales strategies for large, well known vendor partners and collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars monthly for the business to act as the relationship manager. The truth of the matter is I HATED IT. There were days where I thoroughly enjoyed the work of course, but most of the time it took way too many hours a day, it required at least one week/month travel, and the expectations were set so high that I think they were nearly impossible to meet even if I had worked 70 hours a week. I just think I was proud to have that job.
My current job shockingly pays almost as much, requires no travel, is almost strictly 8:30-5:30, has unbelievable benefits, and really is a good fit for my work/life balance. Why can’t I just get used to the fact that sometimes finding a good work/life balance requires fetching coffee, heating up my boss’s lunch, sending a check to his child’s soccer team coach and coordinating the family’s trip to Florence (yes, I mean his family, not mine). I absolutely need to focus on my priorities.
1. Family (my husband and this baby) – being there for them and being present in their lives both mentally and physically. This job gives me the ability to be home each night with my mind on the house and family only (no worrying about work)
2. Insurance – I have lived so much of my life with less than fantastic insurance, that I have now come to realize how very valuable and important a “Cadillac” insurance policy is. This job has the best insurance I have seen in a long time.
3. Money – I need to make enough money to fill the gap between what my husband makes alone and the lifestyle we enjoy. I know it would be fine if we downsized our life to fit the (still very good) income that my husband makes on his own, but I like the idea of contributing financially to the family. I get nervous that I would feel like my spending was being scrutinized if I didn’t bring in my own income. I also enjoy the benefits that come with the extra income. I think I will appreciate my time with the baby more since I’m not home 24/7 with him/her. This job gives me a respectable income with none of the pitfalls that come with “bigger” jobs.
So there it is. When I read this back to myself, I sound like a spoiled brat. I have the ideal situation and the fact that I have made haircut appointments for my boss and his children and ordered my boss’s wife’s birthday cake this morning shouldn’t eat away at me. I mean, hello, I’m getting paid to be a “work wife”. I couldn’t get paid to be a home wife.
To keep it in perspective, I also have a great deal of inside, sensitive knowledge about large publicly traded companies, and I set up several meetings this week for very high level executives for Fortune 500 companies, and all these men and women know me on a first name basis…although I’ll never call them their first name, that would simply be inappropriate for someone so far beneath them. Such is the life of an executive assistant.
Sooooo what’s the problem?? Right??
I guess maybe I need to feel more important than this, or I need to feel like I’m using the education that I spent time and money on. I sometimes cannot believe this is what my life has come to.
I am an executive assistant. This role allows me to be in contact with some very important people with very well known large companies, but I am always bowing down to these people and always addressing them as Mr. or Ms. and always doing the most petty little things for them. I am good at this kind of work, so it should be a perfect fit, but there are days where I remember where I was only one short year ago and I just cannot believe it.
Last year, I was running the accessories and services business for a large technology reseller. I was well respected and I had two people reporting to me. I was designing advertising and sales strategies for large, well known vendor partners and collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars monthly for the business to act as the relationship manager. The truth of the matter is I HATED IT. There were days where I thoroughly enjoyed the work of course, but most of the time it took way too many hours a day, it required at least one week/month travel, and the expectations were set so high that I think they were nearly impossible to meet even if I had worked 70 hours a week. I just think I was proud to have that job.
My current job shockingly pays almost as much, requires no travel, is almost strictly 8:30-5:30, has unbelievable benefits, and really is a good fit for my work/life balance. Why can’t I just get used to the fact that sometimes finding a good work/life balance requires fetching coffee, heating up my boss’s lunch, sending a check to his child’s soccer team coach and coordinating the family’s trip to Florence (yes, I mean his family, not mine). I absolutely need to focus on my priorities.
1. Family (my husband and this baby) – being there for them and being present in their lives both mentally and physically. This job gives me the ability to be home each night with my mind on the house and family only (no worrying about work)
2. Insurance – I have lived so much of my life with less than fantastic insurance, that I have now come to realize how very valuable and important a “Cadillac” insurance policy is. This job has the best insurance I have seen in a long time.
3. Money – I need to make enough money to fill the gap between what my husband makes alone and the lifestyle we enjoy. I know it would be fine if we downsized our life to fit the (still very good) income that my husband makes on his own, but I like the idea of contributing financially to the family. I get nervous that I would feel like my spending was being scrutinized if I didn’t bring in my own income. I also enjoy the benefits that come with the extra income. I think I will appreciate my time with the baby more since I’m not home 24/7 with him/her. This job gives me a respectable income with none of the pitfalls that come with “bigger” jobs.
So there it is. When I read this back to myself, I sound like a spoiled brat. I have the ideal situation and the fact that I have made haircut appointments for my boss and his children and ordered my boss’s wife’s birthday cake this morning shouldn’t eat away at me. I mean, hello, I’m getting paid to be a “work wife”. I couldn’t get paid to be a home wife.
To keep it in perspective, I also have a great deal of inside, sensitive knowledge about large publicly traded companies, and I set up several meetings this week for very high level executives for Fortune 500 companies, and all these men and women know me on a first name basis…although I’ll never call them their first name, that would simply be inappropriate for someone so far beneath them. Such is the life of an executive assistant.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
14 Weeks 3 Days
I don't have much to report, but thought I should check in. My all-day sickness seems to have finally come to an end. It has been tapering off and lessening in intensity since 11 weeks, but I haven't had any for a week now, so I think it's safe to say I'm doing much better.
I am gaining weight steadily and hoping it's not too much (I've been eating ice cream every night), but I'm going to watch it and hopefully stay right on target. I can finally start eating healthy again now that things other than pizza and bread sound good to me.
My NT scan went well, both the neck measurement and the nasal bone look perfect. We were not able to do any 1st trimester screenings because my little guy with no heartbeat still has a placenta and the doctor can't be sure how much hormone production it is still doing. This could skew my results and give me false positives for chromosomal abnormalities, so I have to wait until I can do the quad screening and hopefully by then we can get an accurate read.
Honestly, I'm not that interested in doing all these tests anyway. I'm not terminating this pregnancy for any reason, and I'm not risking an amnio, so it's not the end of the world if we don't get these screenings. I pray I have a healthy, normal baby in there, but we worked so hard, spent so much, and waited so long for a child. Now we finally are pregnant, so we're just going to take what God gives us.
That's about it. My belly is getting bigger and really starting to look pregnant. I still think strangers just think I eat too much, but I'm starting to cross over to the possibly pregnant look. I'll be glad when I get to that point. It's so exciting.
Still loving being pregnant!
I am gaining weight steadily and hoping it's not too much (I've been eating ice cream every night), but I'm going to watch it and hopefully stay right on target. I can finally start eating healthy again now that things other than pizza and bread sound good to me.
My NT scan went well, both the neck measurement and the nasal bone look perfect. We were not able to do any 1st trimester screenings because my little guy with no heartbeat still has a placenta and the doctor can't be sure how much hormone production it is still doing. This could skew my results and give me false positives for chromosomal abnormalities, so I have to wait until I can do the quad screening and hopefully by then we can get an accurate read.
Honestly, I'm not that interested in doing all these tests anyway. I'm not terminating this pregnancy for any reason, and I'm not risking an amnio, so it's not the end of the world if we don't get these screenings. I pray I have a healthy, normal baby in there, but we worked so hard, spent so much, and waited so long for a child. Now we finally are pregnant, so we're just going to take what God gives us.
That's about it. My belly is getting bigger and really starting to look pregnant. I still think strangers just think I eat too much, but I'm starting to cross over to the possibly pregnant look. I'll be glad when I get to that point. It's so exciting.
Still loving being pregnant!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Am I Crazy?
I’m just wondering if I’m the only one who does NOT plan to have any on-site assistance from grandparents or anyone else the first few days after my baby comes home. I have told other new mothers/pregnant women this and each time I was met with stares of disbelief, jaw-dropping faces full of shock, and numerous attempts to change my mind. I just don’t understand this. I have no doubt that the first few days after I bring my baby home are going to be full of unexpected “events”. I say that because I know it’s going to be crazy, but I really don’t know what it’s going to be like. I know there’s a good chance I won’t sleep at all. I know there’s a good chance I’ll hover over the baby while he/she is sleeping to confirm breathing. I know there’s a good chance I could panic and not know how on earth I will ever do all this by myself. At the same time, I have confidence that between my husband and I, we will figure it out, and I tend to believe that if we do it by ourselves, we are more likely to gain confidence in our own abilities sooner than if we had a seasoned mother on hand.
I have friends who are having their mothers actually come to stay with them for the first week. I can’t think of anything I would want LESS than having my mother come stay with me. To be clear, I adore my mother and she is probably my best friend, but I want these first few days to be just the new baby, my husband and me. Don’t get me wrong, if other people choose to have help those first few days, I’m certainly not condemning them. I’m just finding it odd that everyone looks at me like I have three heads when I suggest that we might “go it alone”. I know it’s not going to be easy, but what better way to get my arms around how to do this, but to jump in with both feet.
What adds to the complexity of this situation is that my parents live 14 hours (drive) away from us, so for them to be here after the baby is born, they literally have to be staying with us. I would certainly welcome an afternoon guest if I had relatives close by, but a weeklong stay is another thing. Also, I'm not trying to keep them away indefinitely, I will invite my parents to come visit their new grandchild a couple of weeks after I give birth. This will give my husband and me a chance to bond a little as a family and get a handle on how we want to do things. I am sure that we won’t have it all figured out yet, and I’m also sure my mother will have some morsels of wisdom to offer that I will be grateful to learn, but I want to wait until we’re a couple weeks in.
I have friends who are having their mothers actually come to stay with them for the first week. I can’t think of anything I would want LESS than having my mother come stay with me. To be clear, I adore my mother and she is probably my best friend, but I want these first few days to be just the new baby, my husband and me. Don’t get me wrong, if other people choose to have help those first few days, I’m certainly not condemning them. I’m just finding it odd that everyone looks at me like I have three heads when I suggest that we might “go it alone”. I know it’s not going to be easy, but what better way to get my arms around how to do this, but to jump in with both feet.
What adds to the complexity of this situation is that my parents live 14 hours (drive) away from us, so for them to be here after the baby is born, they literally have to be staying with us. I would certainly welcome an afternoon guest if I had relatives close by, but a weeklong stay is another thing. Also, I'm not trying to keep them away indefinitely, I will invite my parents to come visit their new grandchild a couple of weeks after I give birth. This will give my husband and me a chance to bond a little as a family and get a handle on how we want to do things. I am sure that we won’t have it all figured out yet, and I’m also sure my mother will have some morsels of wisdom to offer that I will be grateful to learn, but I want to wait until we’re a couple weeks in.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
12 Weeks 2 Days And A New OB
What a great day! I went for a first appointment with a new OB this morning (more on that later). I had to insist on an ultrasound claiming that it might be a good idea to check on the status of my “demised” twin (the embryo is supposed to be reabsorbing). I had been very nervous the last few weeks that things might not be going as well because my all-day sickness had all but disappeared for days on end and I just didn’t have that pregnant feeling. Well this ultrasound was so worth it. What a difference a few weeks makes. The little nugget was flopping around in there moving its arms and literally like rolling over. The nurse who was in the room as well even remarked how cute it was to see the baby moving so much. Of course, I then became paranoid that maybe this wasn’t normal, but they quickly told me that it was very healthy behavior.
I just can’t believe there is a tiny human in there. I saw it with my own eyes, but I can hardly believe it. My heart is soaring today with hope and relief. I feel so much better about this pregnancy. We are really getting close to another major milestone. I cannot wait to hit that magic second trimester. The doctor also listened to the heartbeat with the Doppler, which will give me a much better idea of how to locate that heartbeat at home (more on that later too). My husband hasn’t been to an ultrasound since 8 weeks. He is going to absolutely flip next week at our high risk appointment when he sees how different this baby is now.
In other good, yet kind of sad news, we could barely even see little guy. I couldn’t see his sac anywhere, but the doctor finally found it. The teensiest little body was still inside. I don’t know if his body is shrinking or if our live baby has just grown so much that now this little guy looks like an ant in comparison. The doctor said this is what they want to see, so I’m content with that.
So, the reason I had this appointment today is because I decided to consider switching OB’s. I hate to do that because my first OB was very highly regarded by my R.E. and I really liked her when I saw her before getting pregnant, but when I went to my first appointment, I was a little annoyed that I wasn’t getting the “love” I felt at my R.E.’s office. I suppose if I had a long standing relationship with this doctor, it all may have been very different, but since we only moved into town a few months before I started going to the R.E. I had only been to this OB once before this.
I then called one day because I was nervous about my sickness disappearing completely and abruptly (only to come back with a vengeance 3 days later, but I didn’t know this at the time), and her nurse was very dismissive with me. I asked her if there was anything to worry about if my sickness disappeared completely at 11 weeks. She just said “no”, like that was it…I would have liked to hear “every pregnancy is different, but you are coming up on the time that the sickness is going to start diminishing, so no, there is nothing to be concerned about” All she said was “no”. I said something like “Listen bitch (that part was in my head but the rest I actually said) I know you see pregnant women all day every day, but I have been infertile for 11 years, I’ve had countless IUI’s and two IVF’s, I finally got pregnant, but I’ve already lost one of them. You’ll have to understand that I’m a nervous pregnant woman.” Still nothing. I literally had to repeat my question, “so you really think there’s nothing to be concerned about??”. Once again she says “no”, that it!! I think I can do better than this.
On top of that I waited over 90 minutes in the waiting room to see this doctor. I have heard many people say before that it’s the same story everywhere, but I think it is incredibly rude and arrogant to have patients (many of whom have taken time off work) sitting in your waiting room for more than 30 minutes. If my nail salon is running 30 minutes late, they call me, can’t the doctor do something similar? It’s not like I have nothing else to do with my time.
Anyway, I decided to ask a few friends for some referrals and try out at least one other office. So far, I think I’ve decided to switch to the new office. I still would like to have that familiarity and compassion from the R.E.’s office, but I’m guessing that will come as I get to know these people better. I hate being coddled, so I’m not looking for smothering sweetness, but I would like something more than “no” lady. I think I’ll get that here.
In other news, my Doppler arrived! Now, I was terrified to use this thing only to be unable to find the heartbeat and freak out and be nervous about my baby for weeks while I waited for my next appt (originally I wasn’t scheduled to see the OB again until 1/26, but I got to go earlier because of the whole new OB thing). I thought I would start by trying to find my own heartbeat. This was actually much more difficult than I thought it would be. Once I found it, I decided that if I couldn’t find my plum sized baby’s heartbeat after struggling to find my own (when I’m pretty familiar with where it is located), I won’t freak. I poked around for a while in the appropriate area and didn’t find it. I then realized that maybe the reason it was so hard to find my own heartbeat was because I hadn’t used any gel or anything. My unit didn’t come with a sample of gel, but I read in the reviews that lotion works just as well, so I put a little lotion in my heart area and HELLO! There was my heartbeat…much easier to find. I decided to stop right there and not work to find the baby’s heartbeat. It was too stressful already.
NOW, tonight, I’m going to try again. I know the little one’s heart was beating at 160 just this morning. If I can’t find it, it just means that I suck at operating the Doppler, or that the equipment is inferior to the one at the doctor’s office (which I’m quite sure it is). It does NOT mean that anything is wrong with this precious baby. It was also good to see that it even took the doctor a minute to find it (a minute that felt like at least 10 minutes). I was able to note the location though and I think I know what I’m looking for. We’ll see. If it doesn’t work, I’ll try again next week after the high risk doc. I think if I can only try on days when I know everything is fine, I can spare myself the fear that there actually is no heartbeat. Once I’ve found it, I think I’ll be able to find it again when I’m feeling nervous.
I am still having ups and downs for sure, but today, I’m starting to feel like we might actually have a baby here this summer. It’s an amazing feeling. Probably the same feeling fertiles get when they through away their last batch of birth control pills. Oh how different we are and always will be.
I just can’t believe there is a tiny human in there. I saw it with my own eyes, but I can hardly believe it. My heart is soaring today with hope and relief. I feel so much better about this pregnancy. We are really getting close to another major milestone. I cannot wait to hit that magic second trimester. The doctor also listened to the heartbeat with the Doppler, which will give me a much better idea of how to locate that heartbeat at home (more on that later too). My husband hasn’t been to an ultrasound since 8 weeks. He is going to absolutely flip next week at our high risk appointment when he sees how different this baby is now.
In other good, yet kind of sad news, we could barely even see little guy. I couldn’t see his sac anywhere, but the doctor finally found it. The teensiest little body was still inside. I don’t know if his body is shrinking or if our live baby has just grown so much that now this little guy looks like an ant in comparison. The doctor said this is what they want to see, so I’m content with that.
So, the reason I had this appointment today is because I decided to consider switching OB’s. I hate to do that because my first OB was very highly regarded by my R.E. and I really liked her when I saw her before getting pregnant, but when I went to my first appointment, I was a little annoyed that I wasn’t getting the “love” I felt at my R.E.’s office. I suppose if I had a long standing relationship with this doctor, it all may have been very different, but since we only moved into town a few months before I started going to the R.E. I had only been to this OB once before this.
I then called one day because I was nervous about my sickness disappearing completely and abruptly (only to come back with a vengeance 3 days later, but I didn’t know this at the time), and her nurse was very dismissive with me. I asked her if there was anything to worry about if my sickness disappeared completely at 11 weeks. She just said “no”, like that was it…I would have liked to hear “every pregnancy is different, but you are coming up on the time that the sickness is going to start diminishing, so no, there is nothing to be concerned about” All she said was “no”. I said something like “Listen bitch (that part was in my head but the rest I actually said) I know you see pregnant women all day every day, but I have been infertile for 11 years, I’ve had countless IUI’s and two IVF’s, I finally got pregnant, but I’ve already lost one of them. You’ll have to understand that I’m a nervous pregnant woman.” Still nothing. I literally had to repeat my question, “so you really think there’s nothing to be concerned about??”. Once again she says “no”, that it!! I think I can do better than this.
On top of that I waited over 90 minutes in the waiting room to see this doctor. I have heard many people say before that it’s the same story everywhere, but I think it is incredibly rude and arrogant to have patients (many of whom have taken time off work) sitting in your waiting room for more than 30 minutes. If my nail salon is running 30 minutes late, they call me, can’t the doctor do something similar? It’s not like I have nothing else to do with my time.
Anyway, I decided to ask a few friends for some referrals and try out at least one other office. So far, I think I’ve decided to switch to the new office. I still would like to have that familiarity and compassion from the R.E.’s office, but I’m guessing that will come as I get to know these people better. I hate being coddled, so I’m not looking for smothering sweetness, but I would like something more than “no” lady. I think I’ll get that here.
In other news, my Doppler arrived! Now, I was terrified to use this thing only to be unable to find the heartbeat and freak out and be nervous about my baby for weeks while I waited for my next appt (originally I wasn’t scheduled to see the OB again until 1/26, but I got to go earlier because of the whole new OB thing). I thought I would start by trying to find my own heartbeat. This was actually much more difficult than I thought it would be. Once I found it, I decided that if I couldn’t find my plum sized baby’s heartbeat after struggling to find my own (when I’m pretty familiar with where it is located), I won’t freak. I poked around for a while in the appropriate area and didn’t find it. I then realized that maybe the reason it was so hard to find my own heartbeat was because I hadn’t used any gel or anything. My unit didn’t come with a sample of gel, but I read in the reviews that lotion works just as well, so I put a little lotion in my heart area and HELLO! There was my heartbeat…much easier to find. I decided to stop right there and not work to find the baby’s heartbeat. It was too stressful already.
NOW, tonight, I’m going to try again. I know the little one’s heart was beating at 160 just this morning. If I can’t find it, it just means that I suck at operating the Doppler, or that the equipment is inferior to the one at the doctor’s office (which I’m quite sure it is). It does NOT mean that anything is wrong with this precious baby. It was also good to see that it even took the doctor a minute to find it (a minute that felt like at least 10 minutes). I was able to note the location though and I think I know what I’m looking for. We’ll see. If it doesn’t work, I’ll try again next week after the high risk doc. I think if I can only try on days when I know everything is fine, I can spare myself the fear that there actually is no heartbeat. Once I’ve found it, I think I’ll be able to find it again when I’m feeling nervous.
I am still having ups and downs for sure, but today, I’m starting to feel like we might actually have a baby here this summer. It’s an amazing feeling. Probably the same feeling fertiles get when they through away their last batch of birth control pills. Oh how different we are and always will be.
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