6 Weeks

This has quite possibly been the longest week of my life. I am in love with being pregnant, but every day I crave more information about what parts my babies are developing this week and what I might be feeling this week, etc. Probably even more addictive is re-reading all the blogs I can find to compare my early pregnancy symptoms and HCG levels, and sadly, comparing myself to the miscarriage stories to try to find discrepancies that set my situation apart from those who suffered losses. It is an obsessive hobby, and I'm so relieved that next week will be a busier week at work, because I simply cannot continue to obsess this way.

Overall, I'm feeling optimistic, but I still have the doubts that rear their ugly heads whenever I get too comfortable. My symptoms were getting worse Thursday, Friday and Saturday which gives me some comfort in between my HCG tests and the ultrasound.

Friday night I really felt sick, probably the worst queasiness so far. I still hesitate to call it nausea, because it's not quite the same as that horrible feeling. I was trying to slap together a frozen pizza and salads for dinner and really was longing to have it all done so I could sit on the couch and relax. Then I ate and still felt awful. YAY! Saturday morning and mid-day I felt really bad too, whether I had an empty stomach or a full one, I felt pretty gross. Again, this is great news! Now last night and this morning, I’m feeling pretty good. Of course, instead of enjoying this weekend reprieve from the sickness, I’m stressing about the disappearance of symptoms. Then, the biggest scare was I had a bit of brown spotting mid-morning today. It’s only a little, and I don’t really have any cramping to go with it. I feel little twinges here and there, but nothing I would describe as cramping. I just feel my hopes come crashing down when I have these two things together (spotting and lack of symptoms). I’m praying that I will feel some queasiness later or tomorrow morning.

I cannot stand living in the dark. I know I need to stop stressing about this, but I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around the fact that my body…MY BODY, the one who has failed me for years, is currently nurturing these babies. It just doesn’t seem possible. At the same time, I do feel deep down that things will be ok, so I’m just so confused. Of course, stressing is not good no matter what. I need to relax and try to get positive. One more week til the ultrasound. If only there is a heartbeat (or more than one), maybe I can feel some peace.