Friday! Ultrasound countdown

Well, just a few more days until my 2nd ultrasound. I am feeling awful these days. I still don’t have intense nausea, like I’m not actually vomiting or even getting that close to vomiting, but I am moderately nauseas almost all the time and now I’m having a very hard time eating anything. I am worried about this and hope it passes or lessens soon, so I don’t lose any weight. I may try to take some unisom + B6 tonight to see if I can manage the food aversions, but I don’t know if it has the same effect on aversions as it does on nausea. I would just like to be able to eat again without very slowly taking bites and trying to swallow them.

I am so glad it is Friday today. We have kind of a fun weekend planned, so I’m looking forward to that. Tonight is just chill night. We’ll watch a movie and I’m planning to pick up something/anything that sounds remotely non-nauseating for dinner (I’m not cooking) and chill on the couch. Tomorrow, we have TW’s work dinner. This should be fun and because my husband is adorable, he has already told EVERYONE at his office about my pregnancy, so there is no need to fake drink or anything. I can just be me. I am hoping that I can be interested in at least something on the menu. Then on Sunday we are going to church, then to lunch and then to see A Christmas Carol at the theater with friends. It is supposed to be very good and I just love getting in the Christmas mood with shows like that. I’m hopeful that the weekend will be relaxing and low stress, because first thing Monday is my ultrasound.

So here is the bad news. I have tirelessly been researching the situation my little guy is in. My two sacs are remarkably different in size, but my two embryos are only differing by 3 days. I continued to find more and more reassuring stories about one embryo being a couple days behind, and began to get a much more positive attitude about little guy. Until my hopes came crashing down when I read this

“from 5.5 - 9 weeks the gestational sac size should exceed the crown to rump length by 5mm. If the difference is less, spontaneous demise exceeds 90%.”

This is very bad news for little guy. I think it would be a real stretch for his sac to be 5mm larger than his crown to rump length. A less than 10% chance is very difficult for me to swallow. I still have hope, but I’m much less optimistic. I can totally deal with the idea of one baby, I just hate the idea of losing my little bean with a heartbeat. As a result of this discovery, I was kind of down yesterday. I’m hoping that Monday presents us with a much rosier picture, but I am also prepared to see a slower heartbeat or some other sign of little guy struggling. I knew I would never be comfortable that my pregnancy is safe until the day when the fetuses are viable outside my body and even then maybe not, but I did think seeing a heartbeat would give me some comfort. So far, I’m of course thrilled that we saw the heartbeat, but it is just one of many more milestone’s we need to hit before this is over.

Infertility is a crazy thing, even when you’ve “overcome” it, you still have the burden and the fear holding you down. I want to be happy, overjoyed even by this pregnancy, but I can’t shake the fear. I actually am overjoyed that I was able to get pregnant, I’m just not able to feel confident that this will result in a living, breathing, squirming infant(s).