New Attitude

We had our appointment with the R.E. to go over the results of our immune panels. I tested “positive” for Natural Killer cells. I also tested positive on the Natural Killer Activation test. This is still sort of confusing to me, but suffice it to say that the doctor thinks it’s potentially a real issue and not just a borderline normal test. I also tested positive for anti-thyroid antibodies, but I already knew that I had that problem. The good news is that I tested negative for Embryo Toxicity. It sounds like that would have been a more expensive issue to fix, but it would have provided a more solid explanation for the past years of infertility.

He has suggested intra-lipid? infusions…this is a newer method of treating this problem than the alternative IVIG. The benefit is that it is much less expensive and since most of the time the insurance company will declare the treatment to be experimental, it’s usually not covered. I’m fine with this, I just hope it works.

The thing that I need to start accepting is that some people just have failed IVF’s. There is not necessarily some hidden condition that is lurking around just waiting for an opportunity to destroy my pregnancy dreams. I need to try to go into this next transfer with an open mind and a positive attitude. I don’t honestly think that I’m destroying my own chances with my disbelief that I can achieve a pregnancy, but positivity is known to do great things in cancer patients and serious illnesses, so why shouldn’t I apply that same excitement to my own infertility.

I think I’m in a constant state of protecting myself by putting up my walls so I don’t foolishly begin to believe that I will be successful. IVF is successful 50% of the time in this country. Why can’t I just start seeing the glass half-full. I’ve already been in the failed 50% pile, now I’m going to be in the successful 50% pile. I’m even thinking of buying a few things for the baby. Every time I think about this I start to worry that if it never happens, it would be a waste. I just can’t shake that practicality that invades my mind and causes me to never truly BELIEVE that it’s my turn.

This cycle, I’m going for it. I’m going to believe through and through that I will achieve a pregnancy. I am going to push away all the negative thoughts and concerns about my various failures and become one of the success stories. I’m all in, all my money is on the table, and I’m totally exposed. I can’t lose this time because it will be a crushing defeat, but I’m taking the risk.

Immune Issues, Adoption, Another Friend Joins The BFP Club

This morning I found out that a good friend of mine just got a faint BFP at 10DPO. I’ve been talking to her daily about temping and cervical mucous and everything else relating to fertility signs. She’s been obsessed with making this baby. It was actually to the point where I said the words I swore I would never say. “Maybe this month you should just relax a little, have a little wine and some candlelight and less obsessing”. But guess what! When fertiles obsess…they still get pregnant! I really am happy for her and I’m sort of relieved that the obsessing is over, but it just reminds me once again that this is an easy road for most people. I can’t help but feel a little bewildered about why I was saddled with this condition. I even got really excited with her and started thinking about all the great new things that were going to happen in the next few months and how her life was going to change. Then it hit me (harder than it usually does)…when is my life going to change?

Enough pity partying.

On to more productive things! Like fixing this stupid problem I have. Two out of three of my immune tests came back earlier this week (I’m still waiting on the Embryo Toxicity test), but both of the first 2 were positive. Now, positive is a relative term. I feel the results are very borderline, unless I’m misunderstanding something. My Natural Killer Cells were at 10.4%, anything over 10% being abnormal. I’m just not sure I’m convinced that .4% is causing 5+ years of infertility and a failed IVF. Maybe I’m not educated enough on this though. The second test had one of the tests come back positive, which was probably the anti-thyroid antibodies. This is no big surprise, I already knew I had this and we’ve been treating it. The nurse was so optimistic, telling me that this may be my reason. I can’t seem to get excited about it though.

We have a doctor appointment on Monday to discuss the results and the intravenous infusion treatment. I’m praying the insurance covers it because I’m really not sure I even need it at this point.

I’m seriously thinking about Korean adoption right now. The biggest problem we have is that despite our long relationship and living together for the past 4.5 years, TW and I were not legally married until April of 2010. Most of these adoption agencies require 3-5 years before you can get started (especially when you have a divorce in your past, like I do). I’m wondering if you can get the first items underway before you reach that point knowing that you’ll be waiting a year for a placement. I probably need to speak to an agency, but I feel it’s important to really be ready to move forward with adoption instead of still holding out hope that I’ll conceive our own biological children. I also have to convince TW. He’s just not quite there yet on the adoption thing.

Waiting...

I hate for infertility to define me, because there is so much more to life than the constant pursuit of becoming pregnant, however, I can’t think of a single thing to write about in the absence of infertility treatments, so I must be due to “get a real life”.

I’m about one week into birth control pills for my FET cycle. They had to add 2 weeks of pills because my RE and Embryologist will be at a conference in October. This basically means that I’m not even really on the calendar yet, I’m just taking pills to pass the time for 2 weeks. In the meantime I’m anxiously awaiting test results on my immune panel, which should be back late next week.

So in other news…I have a trip to CA planned for September 30th. My sister-in-law is getting married, so we are flying there and hitting Disneyland while we’re there. My husband really can’t be in Southern CA without going to Disneyland. He loves it there. When they say it’s the happiest place on earth, they are right when it comes to TW. Because he loves it so much, I enjoy going with him immensely.

We also have a fun trip to Vegas coming up in October. TW will be there for a convention, and I will fly out on Thursday night to spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday with him and a few colleagues from his company. I haven’t been to Vegas in 5 years, so I’m very excited about the trip.

Other than that, I’m just enjoying having a cup of coffee in the morning, a glass of wine in the evening, lifting things over 10 lbs, taking baths (I’m not actually a bath-taker, but I enjoy the idea that I COULD take a bath if I so chose) and all the other little perks that come along with not being in the middle of a fertility treatment.

On to FET #1

Well my beta test on Wednesday provided the confirmation of the news I was sure I would get...B.F.N. Luckily, this wasn't a surprise to me, I was prepared, and I have embies in the freezer, so the blow was tough, but not impossible to take.

I will say that my butt became so swollen, hard, lumpy and itchy from the Progesterone that I was a little nervous about what would have happened to it if I'd had to continue injections through that mess. Just a tiny silver lining to an otherwise very dark cloud.

We had our WTF appointment with R.E. on Friday. He noted that for 21 eggs, 16 mature, a fertilization number of 15 was great, however, the fact that they began to slow in growth immediately and we were down to 5 in only one day was concerning. He had 3 thoughts:
1. Poor egg quality due to age or environmental effects (radiation or something??)
2. Natural Killer Cells
3. Embryo Toxicity

I am going in tomorrow morning for testing on the Natural Killer cells and the Embryo Toxicity panel. I need to do a great deal more research on both of these conditions, but let me just say that neither would surprise me. I happen to be a resident in my body, and if I had to put my finger on a potential cause to my infertility, my first thought would be immune disorder. I have always struggled more than the average person with allergies. I have horrible eczema on my hands, my body is constantly attacking itself. I have tested positive for anti-thyroid antibodies (yeah, ok body, my thyroid is an invader, go ahead and attack it). I don't obviously want either of these conditions, but I do want an answer to my struggles. Both of these conditions is treatable (not pleasant, but treatable). Let's just say I'm interested to hear the outcome of these tests.

I'm on birth control pills now and prepping for my FET. The crazy thing is, I already know the transfer will be November 12th. How convenient is that?? My boss will never know anything is going on. I have only 2 appointments prior to the transfer, AND the transfer occurs on a Friday, so if I do want to obey and do all 4 days of bedrest, I only miss Friday and Monday. It's awesome. The R.E. wants to transfer all 3 snow-babies if they all survive the thaw. I'm scared of triplets, but let's face it, I'll be lucky to get one out of this. I'm going for it, and if it's triplets, well, maybe my mom and dad will move close by or something. We'll figure it out. At least we won't have to ever worry about getting pregnant again.

Oh and the good news...Chardonnay is allowed for at least 4 weeks!

10DP3DT (10 Days Past 3 Day Transfer) BFN...

I tested again today with FMU…BFN. This has me disappointed, but I spent yesterday picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting ready to move forward. There are so many things in life that aren’t fair, this is just a hiccup.

My niece will grow up without her father because he decided to take his own life when the going got tough. That’s not fair. A beautiful young life of a friend was ended by a freak cancer cell still hanging arund in his body 10 years after he was last treated. His wife is pregnant with their first child; a child who will never know his father. That is not fair. My cousin lost her otherwise healthy and strong husband at 33 to an aneurism. That is not fair.

The fact that I have a little more difficulty conceiving and carrying a child…yeah, that’s not fair, but guess what, life’s not fair. I think wallowing in self-pity is one of the most unproductive ways I can spend this time. I am lucky that my insurance covers about 70% of this process (at least this time). I am lucky that even if they didn’t, my husband and I could afford to have fertility treatments. I am lucky that I am young, otherwise healthy and have a job that I really enjoy and a wonderful husband. I am lucky my family is happy and relatively healthy (with the exception of my obviously clinically depressed brother-in-law who took his own life in June). I have a great deal to be thankful for.

Maybe those embies weren’t the baby I will love someday, but I will find that baby, even if I have to bring an orphan from another country into my home I will find that baby.

Of course, I still don’t have my beta test, so fingers crossed that my pee just doesn’t make an HPT turn positive. That would be the best outcome yet. If it is negative though, I’m ready for it.

9DP3DT (9 Days Past 3 Day Transfer)

Tested today on First Response Early Result...BFN. I'm still a teensy tiny bit hopeful that it was too early, but in my heart of hearts, I feel this is over. My boobs aren't as sore as they were earlier in the 2WW, and I'm just not convinced that the test would be negative today if this was a successful cycle.

I'm already moving on to my next cycle in my mind. I'm planning out when I'll be out of work, and figuring out when my next retrieval will be. I think if I can get the insurance to cover it again, I'll do another fresh cycle.

BFN's suck, but they suck even worse when you can't drown your sorrows in a chilled Chardonnay, and you still have to have your husband stick a needle in your ass, until the doctor draws your blood and confirms your (bleak) fate.

5dp3dt (5 Days Past 3 Day Transfer)

The days following the transfer were uneventful, very, very uneventful. My RE requires 4 days of bedrest (couch/recliner 95% of the time, but allowed to get up to eat, use the bathroom, shower, etc when necessary). Now, I understand where he’s coming from here, but I was a little confused about why it’s the same for a 3 day transfer and a 5 day transfer. The embryo is at a totally different stage by 4 days past a 5 day transfer than it is 4 days past a 3 day transfer, but whatever, he’s the doctor. I was really good, better than I thought I would be. My mom and dad came in from out of town to help out and really enforced the doctor’s orders. I’m not sure TW would have been as accommodating and I probably would have ventured up and around to make myself something to eat or get a new book, etc.

I got relatively good news on Tuesday, 3 of my embryos made it to blast and were cryopreserved. One was A quality, one was A-/B+ quality and one was B quality. Of course, I would have liked to hear that we had 3 A quality frozen embryos, but after our initial news on Friday, I was thrilled anyone made it to Day 5. She did tell me that for my age group, they like to see 50% make it to blast, but 30% (which includes the 2 inside me) is reasonable. I don't think we can assume the 2 inside me are blasts, but she seems to think they were the best quality of all, so fingers crossed...

I really wish I had made it to a 5 day transfer. I was absolutely convinced that was what I wanted, so much so that I was willing to risk not being able to transfer any embryos if none of them made it. It’s my understanding through Dr. Google that the strong ones will get to blast, meaning if they don't get to blast in the lab, they're not going to get there in your uterus. My feeling is, if you don’t wait to have the strong ones implanted, why suffer through the 2WW? I would have been crushed if we'd had to cancel, but if I'm going to suffer for 2 weeks, then get the BFN, how is that better. The 2 they put in may have made it to blast in the lab, but maybe they wouldn’t have. Maybe we even missed the best ones, and they're now in the freezer. I think if I have to do another fresh cycle and my insurance pays again, I’ll push harder for the 5 day transfer. Another thing I learned…I would much rather have had 2 days off for the retrieval and only 1 day for the transfer from the perspective of how my body felt, but I get why the bedrest is there. I just hope any future retrievals are on a Friday or Saturday.

So here we sit 5dp3dt, with nothing to do to pass the time, but blog, work, and have a great 3 day weekend. I wish I could have wine, but these sober days will be worth it in the end. I have been experiencing some major salt cravings. I know it’s either in my head or it’s related to one of the many medications I’ve been taking, but I can’t get enough salty food. I was super thirsty last night while I was in bed too, so I think I’m probably having too much. Right now I could totally go for some soup or something, even coleslaw sounds good (I make salty coleslaw).

The big question is when to test. Do I test the night before the beta? Before that? I don’t know. Part of me really would want to know if I had a chemical pregnancy, which makes me lean towards testing Saturday, Monday and Tuesday or something, but another part of me thinks it’s crazy to torture myself more than I am already, and I should just lay off until at least the day before the beta’s FMU.

Transfer Day!

The last thing I reported here was that I had 21 eggs retrieved. This was great news! Then the next day, more great news, 15 eggs were fertilized! I felt like it was Christmas in August. I was scheduled for a 5 day transfer (Yay! My favorite nurse is there on Mondays).

Then on Friday, I got the less exciting call. My 15 beautiful eggs were not “responding well to the lab” and they were moving my transfer up to day 3 (which was a Saturday...with Bitchy Nurse) since we only had 2 good quality eggs left. I suppose I was getting a bit greedy with the 15, but honestly, this news crushed me. So, I suffered through the evening even getting kind of emotional letting a few tears trickle down unexpectedly in the middle of a restaurant(the progesterone, not my normal style).

The morning on Saturday was great, I went to starbucks and enjoyed a small decaf coffee with a croissant on the way into the center . When we arrived, we learned that 5 of the slower responding embryos had improved greatly and we now had a total of 7 embryos with 8 cells! I’m happy again, of course, it’s still sad to see so many die off, but we knew my eggs weren’t perfect or I wouldn’t be in the IVF clinic in the first place. We decided to transfer the 2 best quality embryos and try to get as many of the other to blasts as possible so we could freeze them.

The transfer was ok. I was hoping for a little more “drunkenness” from the valium, but it was weak. In fact, I didn’t really feel it at all. I had been drinking water on the way in, so I had to pee pretty bad, which is what they want. I undressed from the waist down and put on the little robe and waited for the big moment. We were taken into the transfer room and the lights were lowered. The embryologist brought in my babies, and we were able to see them both in the microscope. It was amazing. The earliest form of human life with TW and my genetic make up. Crazy!

I got back onto my little bed and my legs were once again strapped into the stirrups. They began the sonogram to make sure my bladder was full (I could have told them that, but go ahead and push that thing down on there hard). I was really not relaxed at all. I expected to be practically slobbering from the valium and that just wasn’t the case. I found the speculum to be more uncomfortable than usual and the catheter leading into my uterus to also be uncomfortable. Neither was a big deal, but just unexpected. Once everything was in place the embryologist handed my day 3 babies to the doctor in a syringe with a bubble of air preceding them and another bubble behind them to indicate their position.

At this point the bitch nurse really started pushing on my bladder. I was really in some actual pain from this bladder issue. I still hadn’t totally recovered from the urinary catheter on retrieval day, so that may have exacerbated the situation. I was clinging to TW’s hand for some comfort and not really looking at the screen, but he was able to see the whole thing and was amazed by the process. We tucked those little embies into their uterus bed and then they wheeled me out of the room. The bitch nurse left me for maybe 10 minutes where I was nearly trembling from the need to relieve myself. Once she returned, she sent me into the porn restroom, which I found to be hilarious, but also slightly revolting. The videos in there were laughable; I seriously wish I could remember some of the ridiculous names. Note to on site sperm producing men...bring your own porn. I walked back to my little room and stayed for another 45 minutes or so. I was finally feeling a little tired from the valium, so the time went by quickly. Then they released us.