Ultrasound Update

Generally our appointment on Monday went well, but we didn’t get any new news about our little guy. Our healthy twin is doing great, measuring between 8 weeks 2 days and 8 weeks 4 days depending on the angle. He was moving around and you could clearly see arms and legs and even what looked like eyes. It was amazing. Everything is perfect with him. Our little guy still had a strong heartbeat and was measuring 2-4 days behind our healthy one, which is the same as last week. His sac is still small and the doctor is still giving us little to no hope of him surviving.

It just seems crazy to me that there is no hope for this little guy. Anyone with a strong heartbeat like that must have hope right? I still have hope for him. I know many doctors who have been very negative about a situation only to have things turn out fine in the end. I am just so incredibly thankful that I do have my one healthy twin in there. If all my hopes were on the little guy, I would be a complete wreck. How terrible it must be to lose a baby, particularly once you’ve seen a heartbeat. It just seems so unfair. Of course, I’m still a little nervous about both of them since we’re only at 8.5 weeks. I will be 12 weeks on January 16th, but it seems that my 2nd trimester doesn’t begin until 13 weeks, so maybe I need to hold my breath until the 23rd.

My “morning” sickness has been progressively worse and worse. Monday night and yesterday it was as bad as it has ever been. I was having a lot of trouble sleeping, then getting ready for work and getting anything done. It was so difficult to eat anything too. Today, I have that familiar sick feeling, but it’s not nearly as intense and for the first time ever I think, I’m welcoming the relief.

Also, I have either become bloated or I’m actually beginning to show, because I cannot button any of my jeans. This started a couple of weeks ago, leading me to believe it’s more bloating, but it’s not uncomfortable, I just feel like I have a big belly. Either way, I don’t think anyone else would notice, but I am having to secure my jeans with a ponytail holder, or in some cases I have been wearing a bella band which actually works pretty well.

Well today is my “Friday”. I work until 3:30pm today then I’m off until January 3rd. I’m so excited. I think the timing is perfect because it should make the next week and a half fly by and it also gives me the freedom to rest and relax if I’m feeling bad. When I get back to work I’ll be 10 weeks, which isn’t there yet, but definitely closing in on the end of the 1st trimester. I also have my appointment with the regular OB on December 29th. I’m very interested in hearing her opinions on my little guy.

Friday! Ultrasound countdown

Well, just a few more days until my 2nd ultrasound. I am feeling awful these days. I still don’t have intense nausea, like I’m not actually vomiting or even getting that close to vomiting, but I am moderately nauseas almost all the time and now I’m having a very hard time eating anything. I am worried about this and hope it passes or lessens soon, so I don’t lose any weight. I may try to take some unisom + B6 tonight to see if I can manage the food aversions, but I don’t know if it has the same effect on aversions as it does on nausea. I would just like to be able to eat again without very slowly taking bites and trying to swallow them.

I am so glad it is Friday today. We have kind of a fun weekend planned, so I’m looking forward to that. Tonight is just chill night. We’ll watch a movie and I’m planning to pick up something/anything that sounds remotely non-nauseating for dinner (I’m not cooking) and chill on the couch. Tomorrow, we have TW’s work dinner. This should be fun and because my husband is adorable, he has already told EVERYONE at his office about my pregnancy, so there is no need to fake drink or anything. I can just be me. I am hoping that I can be interested in at least something on the menu. Then on Sunday we are going to church, then to lunch and then to see A Christmas Carol at the theater with friends. It is supposed to be very good and I just love getting in the Christmas mood with shows like that. I’m hopeful that the weekend will be relaxing and low stress, because first thing Monday is my ultrasound.

So here is the bad news. I have tirelessly been researching the situation my little guy is in. My two sacs are remarkably different in size, but my two embryos are only differing by 3 days. I continued to find more and more reassuring stories about one embryo being a couple days behind, and began to get a much more positive attitude about little guy. Until my hopes came crashing down when I read this

“from 5.5 - 9 weeks the gestational sac size should exceed the crown to rump length by 5mm. If the difference is less, spontaneous demise exceeds 90%.”

This is very bad news for little guy. I think it would be a real stretch for his sac to be 5mm larger than his crown to rump length. A less than 10% chance is very difficult for me to swallow. I still have hope, but I’m much less optimistic. I can totally deal with the idea of one baby, I just hate the idea of losing my little bean with a heartbeat. As a result of this discovery, I was kind of down yesterday. I’m hoping that Monday presents us with a much rosier picture, but I am also prepared to see a slower heartbeat or some other sign of little guy struggling. I knew I would never be comfortable that my pregnancy is safe until the day when the fetuses are viable outside my body and even then maybe not, but I did think seeing a heartbeat would give me some comfort. So far, I’m of course thrilled that we saw the heartbeat, but it is just one of many more milestone’s we need to hit before this is over.

Infertility is a crazy thing, even when you’ve “overcome” it, you still have the burden and the fear holding you down. I want to be happy, overjoyed even by this pregnancy, but I can’t shake the fear. I actually am overjoyed that I was able to get pregnant, I’m just not able to feel confident that this will result in a living, breathing, squirming infant(s).

More Waiting...Still Pregnant 7 Weeks 4 Days

Well, here I am again, waiting…this time I’m waiting for my second ultrasound. If someone had told me that being pregnant was almost as bad with all the waiting as infertility, I never would have believed them. (I would still choose waiting while pregnant, over waiting while infertile though, I will never forget where I came from.) I do feel pregnant, but I don’t at all feel comfortable about it yet. I feel like I’m dancing on the edge of a cliff and I could lose everything in a moment. I’m also still worried about “little guy”. I really want my smaller embryo to catch up or at least continue to develop so we don’t have to worry so much about him. I cannot stress enough how incredibly happy I am to have finally gotten this far. This is a huge milestone, and to see heartbeats is beyond amazing. I’m not sure I ever thought I would get here, but I just can’t quite breathe easily yet. I hope the end of this trimester will bring me some relief, but I know myself well enough to suspect that I will find something else to be nervous about at that point.

My doctor took me off my PIO injections and switched me to oral this week. Of course, I couldn’t be happier to set aside those needles, my ice pack, my heating pad, etc, hopefully forever, but it makes me nervous too. I would have gladly continued those shots for the duration of this pregnancy if it was necessary. In addition, they took me off the estrogen patches. Those little satan patches can go away and never return if you ask me. I never thought I would prefer an intramuscular injection over an innocent looking transdermal patch, but let me tell you, after wearing 5 of these at a time for the last 5 weeks, my abdomen is a complete mess. I have scratched these patch locations until they bleed plenty of times. My sensitive skin has rejected the tape (or the bacteria that eventually settles in after 3 days) to the point where it appears there is a large raised hive in the shape of a patch after I’ve removed them (patch area picture coming soon). Yet...it scares me to have them gone. Supposedly, somewhere in that little pregnancy sac, there is a mini-hormone factory. I just hope it’s up and running smoothly because we removed the safety net and took off the training wheels.

These last few days/weeks, I have felt consistently queasy. It’s more intense and very obviously there. The bigger problem for me though are the food aversions. I have no interest in any food. I have to run meal options through my mind until I finally arrive at one that doesn't exacerbate the nausea. I usually find something, but it’s usually NOT what I want to be feeding these babies (pizza has sounded consistently non-gag inducing). Yesterday and today, I’ve really been trying to keep it healthier, but it’s so hard. I hope this passes before I’ve starved these little ones of all the nutrition they need. I have been making sure I’m drinking lots of water, and I’m forcing myself to eat a few fruits and vegetables each day. Protein is a real problem for me, but I’m trying to get more creative there. It’s all worth it, I just thought I would be the picture of a perfect pregnant woman. Eating all the perfect nutrition and exercising lightly, doing some yoga, glowing, patting my belly, talking to the little ones, and all I can do is eat pizza and fall asleep on the couch the second I’ve finished my dinner.

Ultrasound #1 7 Weeks 1 Day

We had our ultrasound and I’m completely relieved and excited to report that we saw two! heartbeats that were both beating at an acceptable rate (not sure what the exact measurement was). The only sad part is that Twin B is measuring 3 days behind Twin A and to the naked eye, the difference is astounding. Twin B’s sac is maybe ¼ the size of Twin A’s sac. The fetuses look to be much closer in size (hence the only 3 day difference in measurement). Obviously we are overjoyed to have one healthy twin, but I can’t help but hope that little Twin B rallies and has a little growth spurt to catch him up. I will be happy with one or two children from this cycle but after seeing two heartbeats, my heart aches to have them both.

I wouldn’t be that nervous about this difference because 3 days doesn’t sound like much, but the R.E. was pretty negative about it. He said usually when there is a disparity like this there is a reason and the smaller twin eventually stops developing and reabsorbs. At the time I didn’t have the presence of mind to ask what the chances were…50/50? 90/10? I guess I’ll know more next week. The pictures are below. The second one shows both sacs in the same frame, and you can really see the difference in size.

We are scheduled to go back next Monday to take another look before I am released to my OB. I will be 8 weeks 1 day next Monday. I’m really hoping for both little ones to be measuring in better sync this next time. I’ve been picturing myself as a mother to twins ever since my high HCG level on my first beta. I’m having difficulty picturing myself as a mom to only one, but there are most DEFINITELY benefits to having only one child at a time. I guess I was hoping to put IVF in my rear view mirror forever and build our whole family in one shot. Either way, I’m beyond excited that there are heartbeats! I’m for real now. I’ve joined the club of pregnant women!

6 Weeks

This has quite possibly been the longest week of my life. I am in love with being pregnant, but every day I crave more information about what parts my babies are developing this week and what I might be feeling this week, etc. Probably even more addictive is re-reading all the blogs I can find to compare my early pregnancy symptoms and HCG levels, and sadly, comparing myself to the miscarriage stories to try to find discrepancies that set my situation apart from those who suffered losses. It is an obsessive hobby, and I'm so relieved that next week will be a busier week at work, because I simply cannot continue to obsess this way.

Overall, I'm feeling optimistic, but I still have the doubts that rear their ugly heads whenever I get too comfortable. My symptoms were getting worse Thursday, Friday and Saturday which gives me some comfort in between my HCG tests and the ultrasound.

Friday night I really felt sick, probably the worst queasiness so far. I still hesitate to call it nausea, because it's not quite the same as that horrible feeling. I was trying to slap together a frozen pizza and salads for dinner and really was longing to have it all done so I could sit on the couch and relax. Then I ate and still felt awful. YAY! Saturday morning and mid-day I felt really bad too, whether I had an empty stomach or a full one, I felt pretty gross. Again, this is great news! Now last night and this morning, I’m feeling pretty good. Of course, instead of enjoying this weekend reprieve from the sickness, I’m stressing about the disappearance of symptoms. Then, the biggest scare was I had a bit of brown spotting mid-morning today. It’s only a little, and I don’t really have any cramping to go with it. I feel little twinges here and there, but nothing I would describe as cramping. I just feel my hopes come crashing down when I have these two things together (spotting and lack of symptoms). I’m praying that I will feel some queasiness later or tomorrow morning.

I cannot stand living in the dark. I know I need to stop stressing about this, but I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around the fact that my body…MY BODY, the one who has failed me for years, is currently nurturing these babies. It just doesn’t seem possible. At the same time, I do feel deep down that things will be ok, so I’m just so confused. Of course, stressing is not good no matter what. I need to relax and try to get positive. One more week til the ultrasound. If only there is a heartbeat (or more than one), maybe I can feel some peace.

5 Weeks 4 Days

Oh how wonderful it feels to state my “moment in time” as a progression in my pregnancy rather than a point in my two week wait. As nervous as I am about the final outcome of this pregnancy, I am enjoying every minute of actually being pregnant, for real. No one can take this away from me, because right now, my body is nurturing one to three tiny little people. I so hope I can continue to enjoy this marvelous feeling for the next 34 weeks.

I don’t have anything that new to report. I still feel a little queasy in the mornings and I’ve started noticing even more of that in the evenings and other times of day, particularly if I’m hungry. The feeling is really better described as an urge to gag than actual nausea. I remember having the stomach flu and feeling so horrible that I would be incredibly relieved after actual vomiting and feeling better for a short time. This is not like that at all. I’m just on the edge of feeling yucky. More like when you’re on an antibiotic and you take it on too empty of a stomach.

I really am not tired yet. I definitely am ready to go to bed at night, but I don’t feel that it is much more pronounced than usual. I can smell things a mile away, but that might be the FIVE estrogen patches and the two shots a day of progesterone I’m taking.

I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact that this is real. I almost wish I could have had an earlier ultrasound so I could see the sac(s), but I don’t really want an ultrasound before there is a heartbeat, because I don’t want to wonder if it was too early or if the heartbeat just isn’t going to start. I have read several stories of women who have early ultrasounds and do see a heartbeat at this time. I find that so amazing and so comforting to think that my little nuggets might already have beating hearts.

I just looked on Circle + Bloom’s website and found that they do have a pregnancy program. I’m very tempted to order this, but it appears there are only 3 sessions and it is $24 for the downloadable version. I paid $59 for 18 sessions with the IVF program. I found the transfer and 2WW sessions so comforting and nice with the IVF program that I really do think I would enjoy this, but I also think one session over and over and over again will get tedious and boring. I’m going to think on it a little longer.

I am still anxiously awaiting my ultrasound on 12/13, and I’m hoping this wasn’t too forward of me, but I made an appointment with my OB for 12/29. She books out months in advance, so you have to take what you can get, and I really wanted the appointment to fall in the week between Christmas and New Year’s since I’m off that week. I’m just praying that I’ll be in attendance at that appointment with heartbeats in tow.