More babies? BFN

It has been a long time since I have posted because I have had some significant changes occur in my life, my marriage and my overall attitude.  My last post was the BFN from my first IUI cycle after baby #1.  That cycle and its outcome were not life-changing in any way.  I fully expected that the first IUI would not result in a pregnancy.  I was hopeful of course, but not expecting anything.  What was life-changing (or it seemed so to me in my little world), was my husband’s admission that he really didn’t want to continue to try for more children.  He feels strongly that our life is very full with our one child and he doesn’t want to have to spread himself even thinner than he has already to provide the love, attention and financial support to a larger family.  This wasn’t much of a discussion either.  His mind is made up and there’s no talking him out of it.  I was heartbroken.

I’ve already had several people try to tell me how I need to assert my own opinions and how this decision is not unilateral etc, etc.  The thing is...this is not an area that works well for compromise...you're either having another baby or you're not.  When you're on opposite sides of that debate one wins, one has to lose.  I lost.   The good news is that I’m at peace with it.  There was never a guarantee that I would successfully get pregnant again, carry the baby full term, and give birth to a healthy singleton. Any deviation from that ideal would have been consuming to us as a family hence taking time and energy away from our current miracle who we love more than anything.

Also, I’m envisioning myself with the ability to have a life outside of parenthood.  We can take amazing trips that other families would not want to embark on due to the cost or the hassle of 2+ children tagging along.  We can use the money we have to provide a nice life and great opportunities for our one child.  We can invest all our time and attention into this little one (while making sure not to allow him to become that “weird” only child).  My fantasy of running multiple children around to their various activities after feeding them a wholesome, home cooked dinner, then tucking them into bed and taking them to school the next day becomes much less interesting (and much less possible) when you add into it a full time job and a workaholic husband who arrives home at 8pm most nights.  Yes, I’ve accepted my role as mommy of one because it gives me room for the role of wife, independent woman, career woman, exercising woman, etc.

I’m loving…LOVING the idea of never having to deal with the discomforts and limitations of pregnancy.  As much as I loved that I was able to nourish my son with milk from my own body, it sure threw a monkeywrench into plans that took us away from the house for more than 2 hours or away from each other for more than 2 hours, and while I'm a bit ashamed to admit it...I didn’t love breastfeeding so much that I’m dying to get reacquainted with my Medela and her soft little whispers at 4:30am for my first pump of the day before getting ready for work.  Of course, I would cherish the opportunity to snuggle another baby at my breast, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t kind of nice that I will NOT be responsible for another person's nourishment (at least via my own bodily fluids).  Another thing...I’m not going to miss getting up in the middle of the night 3+ times for 7+ months.  I just generally think the pregnancy and first year are pretty high maintenance, and when you have to do it all alone because your husband works 60 hrs a week and travels…well, it’s a lot, and I’m just feeling kind of relieved that I don’t have to do it again.

Sounds convincing right?  

10DPIUI....BFN

So today, I went ahead and tested.  I had my IUI 10 days ago and since I got my first BFP after my IVF 5 days past my 5 day transfer or the equivalent of 10DPO, I figured it would be a good time to try.  Even though it might have been a tad early, I still feel pretty sure that I’m out this month and I’m ok with that.  I felt it would have been a long shot for it to have worked this month anyway.  That being said, I should still mark down the following symptoms because I was either off my rocker with these feelings or something about this cycle had me getting symptoms and I want to remember that these symptoms do not indicate a pregnancy…necessarily.

1dpiui – queasy in the evening (I had eaten a big lunch and sort of felt gross from it)

2dpiui – again queasy in the evening, same big lunch problem

3dpiui – nothing, peeing a little more, hungrier, but nothing special, no sore boobs

4dpiui – nothing, same as yesterday, peeing, hungry, no sore boobs

5dpiui – nothing, no sore boobs

6dpiui – small cramping, wouldn't have noticed it if I hadn’t been hyper alert

7dpiui – small cramping again, VERY tired, but nothing that out of the ordinary really

8dpiui – nothing…still no sore boobs and every cycle before I got pregnant I would have sore boobs after O, starting to get nervous about that.

9dpiui – queasy off and on all day, but still no sore boobs

10dpiui – test BFN, no real symptoms

I have always believed that the symptoms that people feel before possible implantation are either completely unrelated or are a result of the increased progesterone (i.e. sore breasts).  I think almost everything even after implantation but prior to AF being due is probably less related to an actual pregnancy than it is due to the hormonal changes that occur cyclically each month.  However, I have never seen, in my own experience, queasiness in a non-pregnancy cycle.  Of course, my mind could be playing tricks, I could be suffering from some digestive issues, or possibly the letrozole or pre-natals or even the baby aspirin could be causing some discomfort.  Either way, I will remember from now on that even queasiness doesn’t indicate a pregnancy. 

I am actually very comfortable with the BFN and the idea of trying again.  (It helps that my inlaws are coming next weekend and now I can drink wine while they are here.)  

I do wish I didn’t have to attend so many appointments and get everyone at work all interested in what’s going on in my personal life again (and probably have to lie about what I’m actually doing), but I have come to the conclusion that I absolutely love the process of going through the treatments.  Yes, it’s uncomfortable, inconvenient, expensive for some, but there is a weird excitement that goes along with it that I find IN-toxicating.  I felt this way especially with my fresh IVF cycle.  I felt like my R.E.’s entire office was kind of revolving around me as I approached trigger day. I was a famous person there.  Everyone knew that I was the next retrieval.  This is a private, one-doctor practice, but it is by no means small.  It is located at Baylor Hospital in downtown Dallas, so my guess is the staff makes me FEEL as though I’m the only patient, but they really have more than just me approaching a retrieval.  Anyway, I’m actually kind of sad that we don’t plan to take this as far as IVF again, because a part of me would cherish another experience like that.  Don’t misunderstand…I do not enjoy the emotional desperation that we IF-ers endure during an IVF cycle.  It is not the easiest thing to explain, but to be clear, I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone.  I just find a strange pleasure in the sterile/scientific/medical part of the process.

So now we have to make a decision…do we participate in another cycle with the oral medication or ask to move on to the bigger “superovulation” with injectibles.  I am sort of leaning towards injectibles since I didn’t feel the letrozole jump-started me enough to even get sore boobs this cycle.  I just feel my chances are pretty slim with that.  I don’t mind taking another month to see how it goes, but all the appointments and work missed would be better investments on an injectable cycle I think.  

IUI

So here we are, on the eve of my first IUI after baby.  I have no idea how anyone goes through multiple IUI cycles without actually telling their employer what they are doing.  I am not even on injectibles and I’ve still been to the doctor four times checking follicle growth and once before I started the meds to ensure I didn't have any cysts.  I honestly think I was gone only a little bit more from work when I was doing my IVF fresh cycle.  The difference is, the likelihood of this cycle working is far less than the IVF cycle, so it’s frustrating.  I really like to keep this sort of thing sort of quiet from my bosses until I’m actually pregnant, because it’s personal, and awkward to talk about.  I don’t really care if they know, but I don’t want to have to have “the conversation” with them when going through treatments. 

Anyway, the cycle has gone fairly well from a medical perspective.  Super easy medication.  I took letrozole days 3-7 of my cycle.  I had no side effects at all.  After some fairly uneventful ultrasounds, today my lining looks great and I have one mature follie.  Initially I had three that looked like they would mature, but thankfully only one did.  The other two seemed to have stopped growing.  Obviously they could mature before it’s all over with, but I’m more comfortable having just one.  I was testing at home with OPK’s and got my + today.  It is day 15 of the cycle, so ovulation (and IUI) will be on day 16. 

What is really causing me some stress is that my husband has started to get cold feet about having another baby (like right in the middle of this cycle).  I don’t really understand why.  I know he feels like our son is starting to be kind of a handful, (this is true) and he is envisioning himself chasing two of them around for the next several years.  I agree this sounds a little un-sexy, but I’m not sure how it differs from chasing one around.  One kid still makes it hard to jet off to a beach location, or even run out to dinner with little notice.  Everything requires planning in advance.  We already have a large property and livestock, so it’s not like we have a lifestyle that allows us a ton of freedom anyway.  I think it makes sense to just have a second kid now, so we can cram all this baby craziness into a small period of time.  Of course a second baby costs more, but we spend so much money on the maintenance and improvement of our home and property and don’t get near the fulfillment that a child gives.  I don’t know, I guess I’m just not on the same page, but this is an important issue to be on the same page about.  I not yet ready to plan on being a one child family.  It’s not a bad thing, but right now I still want that different dynamic that comes with two kids.  I guess I’m leaving that one up to God because even if he was to refuse to give me a cup of his sperm tomorrow (which I cannot imagine he would do), we could have conceived “naturally” this cycle, so what’s done is done.  

9 Months

Should I be worried that my 9 month old isn’t crawling?  This and variations of this phrase have been typed into internet searches whenever I have a spare moment to obsess over the fact that my little boy is falling behind on his developmental goals.  I know I shouldn’t let this particular one bother me because the range is so wide for when babies actually accomplish this task, but it still bothers me.  My little one is the only one in his entire class who isn’t crawling.  It’s so sad…and he wants to crawl or be mobile anyway. 

On a more positive note about his accomplishments, I decided to roll a ball to him a couple weeks ago and he rolled it right back to me…again and again.  He knew exactly what he was doing and had remarkable control over it.  Now he tries to roll every toy that comes his way.  It is very cute.  I think he’s already a sports fan.

We are also beginning to show some very serious interest in daddy.  When daddy leaves the room, we cry.  When daddy hands him over to mommy, we cry.  When daddy drops him off at daycare, we cry.  Of course neither of us wants to see him upset, but daddy can’t help but feel a little honored that he is on the receiving end of so much attention.  Since overall the amount of time my husband spends with my son is significantly less that the time I spend with him, it is both nice to see my son asking him for more time and also nice to see that he has no confusion about the fact that this somewhat elusive adult in his life is a big part of it.

We have been enjoying a very long stretch of nearly flawless nights.  No middle of the night wakeups, and generally sleeping until 6:15/6:30am on his own, as well as going to sleep at night with little or no crying.  It has been wonderful.  My days of waking up 2-3 times per night are a distant memory, and I’m already spoiled with this new schedule.

Our 9 month well visit is today.  I’m excited to speak to the doctor about our inability to crawl, but my guess is she will tell me he’s perfectly fine and not to worry, he will crawl when he is ready.

I’m sorry, what did you say??

I’m going to begin a list of things fertile people should never say to someone with a history of infertility. Obviously there are the ones that everyone has seen (and there’s even a list on the Resolve website):

1. You need to relax
2. Maybe it’s not meant to be
3. Enjoy your freedom, at least you can sleep late on weekends (and variations of this)
4. You should just adopt (I think adoption is a beautiful thing, don’t get me wrong…I would adopt before trying another IVF, but it’s a personal decision that shouldn’t be suggested flippantly by others who don’t understand the difficulty)
5. Any sort of complaining about their own pregnancy (again…I totally get that pregnancy is hard, I’ve been there, so go bitch about it to your pregnant friends or friends who have had babies before, not infertile friends).

There are tons more and I will continue to add to this list as I come across them. I did want to highlight two things that I have heard recently from a fertile friend that left me stunned, flabbergasted, without words…

1. After 2 months of trying (and failing) a friend who was successfully pregnant after only 1 month with her first baby, actually told me that she thought God was testing her. (Look, I’m not the most infertile person on the planet or anything, but I tried to get pregnant for 54 cycles, then took a break and did another 26-27 cycles before getting pregnant on my FET cycle, so if God is testing you…you might have a long road ahead)
2. Same friend …who is now seeing a fertility specialist after only 3 months of trying (in her defense she lost an ovary after her last baby, and is 36, so she wants to make sure she’s not missing anything) says to me “I’ll be disappointed if I find out that I am ovulating, because if I’m not, I wouldn’t mind just popping a clomid and bam, I’m preggo next month”

Really??? I’m sure some people will tell me that I need to evaluate this friendship, but I can honestly say that these comments are not as insensitive as they sound. The person saying them is clearly self-absorbed, but also doesn’t feel that she is being offensive, because she just doesn’t get it. I talk to her frequently, our babies are close in age, so we often compare notes. I think she views me as “cured” or just doesn’t think about it at all because she doesn’t understand it. Either way, I’m adding these two comments to the list of things NOT to say to an infertile person (even an infertile person who has a successful pregnancy in her past).

My Parenting Style

I put a lot of thought into what type of parent I wanted to be prior to having my son. I had strong opinions on some things and had much more flexible ideas about other things. Several experiences along the way influenced my parenting style and I believe it will continue to evolve for the next several years. In fact, I’m not sure I will ever firmly be able to classify myself as a proponent of any particular parenting style.

One thing that really surprised me was the amount of controversy there was out there about every decision you made about your baby. I never expected it to be as hotly debated as it is…I mean we’re all just trying to take care of a little baby right? I literally would read books that had absolutely contradictory information and they would both describe the information as the ONLY acceptable way to handle the situation.

My parenting style could only be described as a melting pot of the different styles. This sometimes puts me in a position where I am confused about how I want to approach a situation, but it also allows me to step away from rigid beliefs in order to make things work for our family and potentially avoid a great deal of unnecessary stress.

My expectations when I was pregnant:
CHILDBIRTH: I would attempt a natural childbirth…I wasn’t dedicated to absolutely doing it. My birth plan was basically just “get the baby out safely”, but I believed there was benefit in laboring naturally and wanted to give myself (and my husband) the experience.

BREASTFEEDING: I knew I wanted to breastfeed (I didn’t have a timeline, but just knew I wanted to do it). Although I had little faith in my body’s ability to get pregnant or give birth, I never doubted my body’s ability to be able to nurse. I was aware of the potential challenges and certainly never took it for granted, but deep down, I expected this to come naturally to me.

FEEDING: I wanted to demand feed.

SLEEPING: I wanted my baby to sleep in his own bed, in his own room, from the very beginning.

CIO: Sort of open to it, but as a last resort.

What actually happened…and my feelings on that decision:
1. CHILDBIRTH: I labored naturally for 37 hours and finally had a c-section…I wouldn’t change a thing.

2. BREASTFEEDING: I breastfed exclusively until 7.5 months. (by that I mean no formula, I did start cereal and avocado at 4 months and other solids at 6 months). At 7.5 months, I stopped pumping and began feeding formula, with about 10 ounces a day of breastmilk from my freezer stash (I still am doing this until the freezer stash runs out)….I wouldn’t change a thing.

3. FEEDING: I demand fed and still do…I wouldn’t change a thing.

4. SLEEPING: Baby was in our room in a pack and play until he was about 12 weeks old…I wouldn’t change a thing

5. CIO: Started it at 7 months consistently…I generally wouldn’t change a thing, but I will address sleep issues sooner with a second child. I was such a slave to the wakeups and I think I might have been able to get these under control sooner if I had handled things differently there.

My personal opinions on each of the "controversial" topics:
CHILDBIRTH: This has to be a personal decision. I don’t think anyone should feel pressured to do a full-on natural childbirth, but I think, when possible, allowing labor to begin on its own has its advantages. It is a bit annoying that so many doctors want to schedule their calendars in advance, so they schedule inductions when they aren’t at all necessary. I certainly think that since great pain relief is available, moms should feel free to partake in that as soon as they are ready for it. On the other hand, dealing with that intense physical challenge as a team definitely brought my husband and me closer and gave him a respect for my strength that he hadn’t had previously.

BREASTFEEDING: I think it should be viewed as the best food for a baby, and I think it’s a shame if people don’t at least give it a chance, but if the challenges become overwhelming or if there is some reason that it won’t work for the mom, then fine…that’s why formula is there. It shouldn’t be a source of guilt for mothers who can’t or choose not to breastfeed. The fact that breastfeeding advocates have paved the way for those of us who are interested, is wonderful. The fact that I had a place to go during work to pump, and that people are expected to understand that inconvenience, made it easy for me to continue doing it for as long as I did.

FEEDING: I had a very demanding baby…he wanted to eat every 2 hours, no exceptions. If you tried to make him wait even 5 minutes, he made everyone miserable in the process. I didn’t fight it…I fed him whenever he was hungry. Now that he’s 8 months old, he goes 3-4 hours between feedings. He often can be convinced to wait a little longer if we’re in the car or something when he gets hungry. It’s just not a big deal. I would definitely demand feed again. It’s tough in the beginning to stay on that schedule, because you feel like that’s all you’re doing, but I don’t want to always be questioning myself about whether my baby has had enough to eat.

SLEEPING: Once I brought the baby home, I realized that it would be too much work to be going back and forth between our room and the nursery which was at the other end of the house. I was never opposed really to having the baby close by, but I thought it would be a difficult adjustment to get him to sleep in his bed if he didn’t start out there. Everything ended up being fine. It was tough as he got more alert because you had to tip toe into the room to get ready for bed, but we tried to get him moved out as soon as possible once he started being a lighter sleeper like that. I can’t imagine having him in there with us now, but for those who want that, I say go for it. It’s not for me, but again I think it's a personal decision.

CIO: I was actually opposed to CIO when the baby was very little. I could not imagine letting that little one cry himself to sleep, however, things changed considerably when he got older. It became apparent that he was in a habit of waking up and having me put him back down. It was just not the same as a tiny baby. The ability for me to open my mind to a method I was previously opposed to has been very helpful in this situation. I couldn’t be happier right now with the results from letting him cry a bit and work things out on his own. I’m not sure we would have gotten to the point we are now if we wouldn’t have let him cry.

I’ve rambled on for long enough, but to wrap up here…I’m just a parent trying to give my son a loving yet structured life where he can feel safe, comfortable and he can thrive as an independent child. Whatever type of parenting you call that is the parenting style I subscribe to.

The Plan

I officially am rejoining the ranks of ”infertiles trying to conceive”. I am afraid, in some ways, to begin this journey because the last 8 months have been bliss. I have not been concerned with my ovulation date, my period date, my two week wait, nothing. I’ve casually sipped on a glass of wine whenever I wanted it without giving a thought to a potentially growing bean in my tummy. The process of fertility treatments is an all-consuming one that few people understand if they haven’t been through it.

So now I begin this all-consuming process again. I am trying to cut my caffeine consumption drastically…this shouldn’t be too difficult since I was still very careful with caffeine when I was breastfeeding only a few short weeks ago. I am carefully monitoring my vitamin supplements to ensure that I am getting everything I need. I am paying attention to where I am in my cycle to obsessively monitor my underwear with every trip to the bathroom in order to gather some clues as to my ovulation status. Oh and believe it or not…that long ago forgotten feeling…libido? It has kinda sorta returned. I think this is largely due to hormones, because now that I’ve stopped breastfeeding, I have a lot more interest.

So today I am entering my first “fertile window” since before my last IVF. I am scheduled to ovulate about 3 days from now. I have no idea why I have hopes for becoming pregnant naturally but I do. I know the likelihood of us needing assistance is strong, so I am not going to wait around for this to happen on its own, but we have a mandatory one cycle wait before we can do anything with the fertility specialist, and there is no official reason that I shouldn’t be able to get pregnant on my own, so I’m going to try and I’m going to keep my hopes high.

Here’s the plan:
This month:
Try naturally. The fertility specialist would like to give my body a month to get everything back up to speed and also to see what happens with the first cycle. He wants to see how long it lasts, how things go and kind of do a very low tech determination if I’m probably ovulating on my own or not.

Next month:
- I have an order in my purse for several lab tests that will be done on cycle day 2/3 next time. Just the standard stuff plus a few new tests they’ve come up with since my last time around. Many of these can be drawn on any day of the cycle, but for simplicity, they’ll draw them all at once on that day.
- TW will also have his swimmers tested (they always test ridiculously well, so I’m not too worried about that).
- We will do a “follicle growth series” where I will be monitored by ultrasound in the days leading up to my ovulation to determine if the ovulation is going well.
- Scheduled insemination for the appropriate time.
This cycle will be unmedicated. Normally I might not want to waste time with that, but my insurance pays 100% for 6 IUI’s before paying a dime for IVF. (We are sooo very blessed to have insurance coverage for infertility…I remind myself of this every single time I get frustrated with my job or the process.) We actually really don’t want to do IVF this time around, but with 6 free IUI’s we are fine with doing a month unmedicated.

Following months:
Medicated IUI’s – In my opinion, we should do all 6 that my insurance wants us to do prior to IVF. If they all fail, TW and I will have to discuss how far we are willing to go. I personally feel pretty confident that we can get pregnant with 6 IUI’s, but I think if you don’t get pregnant within the first 3 your chances decrease (because obviously whatever is wrong with you is not getting resolved with the medication and process). I’m very hopeful that my body is now an “old pro” at getting pregnant and that my hormones might be perfectly balanced for supporting a pregnancy right now.

I’m excited. I actually don’t enjoy the state of pregnancy physically. I, of course, loved the idea that I was nurturing human life in my womb…who doesn’t love that who comes from a background of infertility? The condition itself though…not a fan. I had a pretty textbook pregnancy, nothing too difficult, but a lot of common discomforts, so I am a little nervous, but I am ready for the challenge.

More Sleep Trouble

Probably as a punishment for writing about my “successful” sleep training experience, we’ve been struck with sleep troubles the last four days. Following a full week of perfect sleeping through the night, on Friday morning I woke up at 4am to a very unhappy baby crying. Now he has been struggling with a brutal cold the last several days, and I was actually stunned that he had done so well sleeping, so I wasn’t totally surprised that he was up, but it is frustrating that we had not had much time to practice the great habits we had just re-learned. Here’s how it went down... On Friday when he woke up, he was so stuffy he could barely breathe through his nose, and he was coughing so much that he couldn’t relax. I felt bad for him, so when replacing his paci and rolling him over like usual didn’t work, I went ahead and got him up. I was getting ready for work and he was just chattering away, but at about 5:00 he was looking pretty tired, so I put him back in bed (by the time I got him to his room he was nearly asleep in my arms), and he slept until 6:15.

Both Saturday and Sunday mornings had similar problems…up at 4ish and not able to get back to sleep for an hour or so. This morning, I was really hoping to try to break this cycle, so when he woke up, I tried really hard just to get him back to sleep. He sounded much better than the previous three mornings (he seemed able to breathe through his nose much better), and I was successful after only about 30 minutes of rocking, but he woke up again at about 5:10 which is a full hour before he should be getting up.

I am kind of at a loss. I think we’re going to have to CIO again after he recovers. I am incredibly hopeful that once his cold/cough/ear infection all clear, he will automatically begin sleeping better again, but in the past that has not been my experience with our sleep challenged little bundle.

On an unrelated note…my period returned (2 weeks and 2 days after my last pump session)! And we had a meeting with the fertility specialist! More on all that later.

STTN Part II

We are still experiencing difficulties with sleep, so this is not a cure-all. I can say that things have dramatically improved, but we are not yet done “sleep training” or maybe I should call it “nighttime parenting” as a reminder that babies aren’t robots that methodically lay down at a certain time each night for their recharge and don’t budge til morning. With all that being said, I will describe what has happened over the last several weeks and what has been working, and certainly improving our situation.

The very first night of CIO, I went ahead with the bedtime routine as we had done before. I made sure he had a full tummy by giving him his bottle in his highchair before changing into pj’s. After book and rocking (until I saw long blinks), I placed him in his crib, kissed him goodnight and left the room. He then cried for 22 minutes. When I say he cried, I mean he screamed. A very angry, upsetting cry. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity (yet was only 22 min), he settled down and went to sleep. When he woke in the middle of the night I went to him like normal, soothed him back to sleep. He woke twice the first night. The next morning, he was the same happy kid I knew before I made him cry.

The second night, I did everything the same, but he only cried for 13 minutes. The third night, he only cried for 1 minute. After that, each night he has either cried for no time at all or for a short time (less than 2 minutes). Unfortunately, each night he was still waking up twice, despite all the books saying that allowing him to CIO at bedtime will help him learn to self-soothe, I think our little one had such a strong habit of waking at those times in the night that it couldn’t be solved without further intervention. I knew we would have to embark on CIO for middle of the night wakings.

I actually did CIO for a middle of the night waking the first time out of frustration (which is something I’m trying to avoid as a parent…doing anything out of frustration, but I failed on this occasion). I had gone to him in the middle of the night (around 4am) to soothe him back to sleep. I got him asleep in my arms and went to put him into the crib and he started crying (the angry cry). I picked him back up and soothed him until he was asleep again and tried to put him in the crib…once again, he started crying the angry cry. I repeated this until the 4th time I put him in the crib, I had reached my limit. I decided right now we will cry it out for a MOTN (middle of the night) waking. Well, he cried/fussed/got quiet/cried again/etc for 45+ minutes. It was difficult, but I didn’t go to him (still not as hard as the angry cry at bedtime). Finally, he soothed himself back to sleep. When I woke him up for the day about an hour later, he was (again) that happy baby that I knew. He didn’t seem frustrated, distant, less loving or anything…he seemed just like the boy I knew before CIO.

After that impromptu CIO for MOTN waking, he seemed to kind of “get it”. The majority of MOTN wakings since then have required only a paci replacement and a roll onto his side. I have gotten to the point where I will let him work it out for a while before I go to him, but I also want to avoid him getting too wound up and increasing the crying time (because he’s no longer sleepy enough to accept a paci replacement and a roll onto his side). I would estimate that for several weeks, 50% of the time, I didn’t have to get out of bed at all, because he was learning to find his paci and roll onto his side himself. 50% of the time I still had to go to him and help him get in position. Even at this point, I rarely had to actually pick him up out of the crib.

We have had several hiccups along the way. Most notably was a recent bout with a high fever and lots of miserable, seemingly painful screaming which (of course) we attended to. However, once he recovered (after about 3 days) we had to basically CIO at bedtime all over again. The first night was very long 38 minutes plus a MOTN wake up that required an almost 2 hour CIO session. It wasn’t all crying of course, I never could have made it that long, but he would get very quiet, maybe even fall asleep for a few minutes, then wake again, fuss, toss and turn, then cry, then get quiet again, etc. The second night was 17 min, third night was 8 min, 4th night was no crying at all.

I don’t know if all babies have a tendency to fall back into bad habits easily or if it is just that we had created such a needy baby from coddling him so much for so long. I am hopeful that as we get more CIO time under our belt, his “re-training” won’t take as long.

After this most recent round of re-training, we are having a lot of STTN success. In the last 2 weeks, I have probably only had to get out of bed to assist him 2-3 times (and those times were quick, I didn’t even remove him from the crib). He will wake up and fuss a little, but he has been able to work things out on his own.

I am extremely pleased with the progress. It has been very hard, and at times has made me wonder if I’m doing the right thing (like during the 2 hour CIO in the MOTN). Most of the time though I feel like I AM doing the right thing. I am enabling him to get the sleep that he desperately needs. Nothing is easy about this method. I personally think it’s probably best to try other methods before resorting to this (but I am not trying to make judgments about other people’s parenting decisions on this topic. You have to do what you feel is best for your situation). The best part about this method is you do see improvement quickly. I am a believer, but I’m not sure I would do this any sooner with a second child. I needed to feel confident that my baby didn’t require a MOTN feeding. I also needed to feel confident that he was ready for this sort of training. I also needed to know that his wake-ups were excessive and not likely necessary. None of these things would have been so clear if I had done this earlier.

There it is...my CIO experience. I'm quite sure we aren't done yet. I know there will be many other nights of exceptions, leading to more re-training. There will be illnesses, breaks in routine, travel, etc that will all potentially cause the need for retraining. In fact, I've heard from parents of "sleep-challenged" babies that they have fought this through the toddler years as well. I have also heard the opposite though, that the consistency of this and the ability to self soothe created an environment that allowed children to "cure" their sleep challenges. I'm hoping for the latter, but sort of assuming we will continue to have challenges. At least now we have a game plan.

STTN

STTN Part I: I’m going to structure this post into two parts because otherwise it just gets too long. Part I is below:


Yes, that’s right, you read STTN, which stands for Sleep Thru The Night. The reason I’ve titled this post that way is because my little family has been STTN off and on for the last couple of weeks. Now, this has not been without hiccups along the way, including some notable hiccups even last night and the night before that, but we are a hundred miles ahead of where we were when I last spoke of sleep.

The turning point for us…tough love. We had to do a little crying it out. (or a lot of crying it out, but generally not a lot at one time) I was so against this and I really wanted to achieve the goal of generally good sleep without leaving my little miracle baby in his crib alone in the dark with a tear stained face. In the end, I think those couple of days of “torture” are giving him the ability to sleep on his own which allows him to rest so much more effectively. I read “The No Cry Sleep Solution” and multiple other articles/books that advocated a more “gentle, nurturing” approach. I don’t doubt those tips will help and I think for many babies that’s probably all that has to happen. My baby was either too far gone with his bad habits or he has an exceptionally hard time with sleep that puts him in a different class.

So here is what we did. I must have read 4-5 sleep books, but realized I was only further confusing myself with each additional book. Initially I thought the best route was to pick one book and stick to it, but I actually combined advice from two main books and I added a little of my own instinct in there for good measure.

Step 1: Before I let him cry for one second, we did a few things to lay the groundwork.

1. We developed a bedtime routine and a consistent bedtime and we stuck with it.

2. I stopped middle of the night feedings (it has been clear for several months that he’s not actually hungry when he wakes up, he just wanted comfort, and nursing is very comforting). I would still comfort him, rock him, bounce him etc back to sleep, but I wouldn’t use a bottle. I suppose if I could not comfort him any other way, I might have concluded he was hungry, particularly if it had been many hours since his last feeding, but this didn’t happen, so we just went with middle of the night comforting.

3. I made sure his bedtime was early enough. I settled on 7:30pm, but that is flexible by about 15 minutes either direction.

4. I strived to make sure his naps were appropriate in length and that his awake time was not too long.


This part seems like it might have given us some improvement all on its own, but not for our little anti-sleeper. I readied myself to have him CIO…See Part II for how that went. (hopefully I'll have that posted soon.

Farewell to the Pump

So I recently mentioned my upcoming appointment with the R.E. In order for me to proceed with attempting to get pregnant with baby number two, I had to stop breastfeeding. This was not a decision I took lightly. It was extremely important to me to offer my son the best nutrition possible for as long as possible. In addition, my experience with breastfeeding was so positive that I didn’t have much incentive to move away from it, and actually felt very guilty about it, since it had been such an easy thing for me. Thankfully, due to a robust freezer supply, my son will be able to have some thawed breastmilk every day for a couple months.

To anyone who might read this who has just started breastfeeding, let me be clear. It was very easy and my supply was abundant AFTER I suffered through the first 4 weeks of adjusting to painful nipples (like toe curling pain), uncertainty about my son’s latch, uncertainty about my supply, general lack of interest in continuing breastfeeding etc. Once we got past these issues (and they all did pass with little intervention from me) it became the most natural and comfortable thing in the world. I nursed my son so easily and was able to pump and store between 8-12 ounces of milk per day due to a rigorous nurse then pump schedule. I became almost obsessed with the freezer supply…to the extent that if there was a thunderstorm, I would become panicky about the power failing and my freezers warming to the point that it couldn’t keep my 1,000+ ounces frozen.

Anyway, I began largely pumping and feeding my son bottles of expressed milk once I went back to work. I did continue to nurse for middle of the night wakings. The pumping was difficult to fit into my very busy schedule at work. I actually used my morning and evening commute to add in two additional pump sessions (pumping in the car while driving). I continued at 7 sessions for quite a while. I dropped the pump and drive sessions about a month after I started back to work, and continued to drop a pump session here and there until I finally got to only 2 sessions a day.

I feel that if I would have kept up with 4 sessions a day, I could have continued to make as much as the baby was eating, but it was a bigger time commitment than I could manage, so when I dropped to 2 sessions, I had to supplement with my freezer supply and I did one formula bottle a day just to get him used to it. Last week, I decided it was time to begin trying to get pregnant again. I decided to miss an evening pump and the next morning I was painfully engorged, but that night I skipped the evening pump again and the following morning I was not at all uncomfortable.

Now, I went from making 40-50 ounces a day to only making about 13-15 a day at the end, so my tapering down over many months made it a very easy transition, but I have to wonder why women suffer through engorgement when they wean. Wouldn’t it be easy enough to just nurse or pump less and less often over a couple of weeks? Anyway, I now am ready to pack up my pump for baby number two, and make the transition over to a woman who is no longer a pregnant woman or a brand new mom. I’m once again a woman who is re-joining the ranks of the infertiles to endure the struggles of trying to conceive.

Baby Fever

So I just made our first appointment with the R.E. for baby number two. It seems a bit crazy to jump right in with fertility treatments again without trying naturally, but I really feel it’s too risky to waste time considering I will be turning 37 this year. I feel like each month is a precious gift of dwindling fertility.

I have heard so many people say they really weren’t ready for their second one until their first was older, but I’m totally ready now. I suppose that could change if my 7 month old turns into a more difficult walking, talking toddler, but by that time (with any luck) we will already be pregnant with our second one and won’t be able to turn back.

The big day is April 18th Update: March 30th. I am pretty excited about it. I’m hoping my periods will return on their own before that. I could have made the appointment for next week, but thought my husband might feel rushed, so I gave us another month of breathing room. It might also allow my body and hormones to return to normal on their own. Update: I have no patience when it comes to these sorts of things, so I moved the appointment up to next week. My husband was a tad surprised, but seemed to think it made sense to move forward at least with the consultation, so that is what we will do.

Sleep

Ok, so my blogging has been slightly less frequent (sarcasm) since the baby has been born than it was when I was pregnant…and even then I was less frequent than I should have been. I have grown to love a very smiley, adorable, headstrong, smart, amazing little boy over the last six months. I headed back to work three months ago and have finally fallen into a routine that I think works for everyone. I am taking on a new role at work that should be more fulfilling and at the same time less demanding. So what is the problem? I’m not sure I’ll ever have a full night’s sleep again.

I am seriously getting close to my breaking point. I don’t know what to do other than to take one sleep book, any sleep book, and follow it to the letter without taking advice from any other book or modifying the advice to suit my instincts, even if that means I get even less sleep for the next two to four weeks while training my son to sleep. I haven’t yet taken this approach, because no matter what I do, I will never have control of what happens during the day while he’s at daycare. I could give them some instructions, such as to put him in his crib and let him cry til he falls asleep, but since I’m not entirely sure I want to enforce a cry it out technique, I don’t think this is a good strategy. I could also tell them not to let him sleep over a certain amount of time, but since I’m not clear on what the magic combination of sleep/nap/wake time is, I hate to disrupt what he’s naturally doing.

So here I am, mother to a six month old baby who still wakes generally twice per night and usually tries to get up for the day around 4:30am.

I know I am doing the following things wrong:

1. Not enforcing a strict bedtime – I love routine and this would be the easiest thing in the world for me to do, but my husband gets home so late that I often try to keep the baby up so he can see his daddy for a little bit before he goes to bed. This often means extending his bedtime by 30-45 minutes. I know this is bad for him, but I’m trying to prioritize time with a parent over a particular bedtime. I think I will modify this strategy and just put him in bed at the same time each and every night. As much as I hate to do that.
2. Putting him to bed too late – Bedtime is generally 7:30, but as mentioned above, I often allow him to stay up til 8:00-8:15pm to see daddy.
3. Nursing him back to sleep when he wakes in the middle of the night – I’m guilty of this because I know it works and it gets us both back in bed sooner.
4. Rocking him, feeding him, bouncing him, etc to sleep for every nap and bedtime. I just don’t know how to break him of this without using a cry-it-out (“CIO” from now on) technique. I tried CIO for a short time and while it did work, it was an awful experience for me. I’m not sure I am hardcore enough to continue it.

I also have great confusion over information out there on naps. My baby has a pretty textbook tolerance for waketime. He is now six months old and he is able to stay awake without fussiness for about 2-2.5 hours…no more. Many of the more casual books/websites recommend a 2-3 nap schedule for a six month old baby. This simply doesn’t fit into the amount of waketime my baby can manage. I also sometimes end up with a baby who needs a nap at like 6pm, but since it’s so close to bedtime, I’m not sure whether to nap him or just keep him up a little longer and put him to bed or put him to bed early. I’m just so confused.

I think the only answer for me now is to take a book and stick to the plan. I can’t waiver from it, look at advice online or pick and choose from different books until I find all the stuff I want to hear. The fact is, what I’m doing isn’t working. I need to alter it somehow.