It has been a long time since I have posted because I have
had some significant changes occur in my life, my marriage and my overall
attitude. My last post was the BFN from
my first IUI cycle after baby #1. That
cycle and its outcome were not life-changing in any way. I fully expected that the first IUI would not
result in a pregnancy. I was hopeful of
course, but not expecting anything. What
was life-changing (or it seemed so to me in my little world), was my husband’s
admission that he really didn’t want to continue to try for more children. He feels strongly that our life is very full
with our one child and he doesn’t want to have to spread himself even thinner
than he has already to provide the love, attention and financial support to a
larger family. This wasn’t much of a
discussion either. His mind is made up
and there’s no talking him out of it. I
was heartbroken.
I’ve already had several people try to tell me how I need to
assert my own opinions and how this decision is not unilateral etc, etc. The thing is...this is not an area that works well for compromise...you're either having another baby or you're not. When you're on opposite sides of that debate one wins, one has to lose. I lost. The good news is that I’m at peace with
it. There was never a guarantee that I
would successfully get pregnant again, carry the baby full term, and give birth
to a healthy singleton. Any deviation from that ideal would have been consuming
to us as a family hence taking time and energy away from our current miracle
who we love more than anything.
Also, I’m envisioning myself with the ability to have a life
outside of parenthood. We can take
amazing trips that other families would not want to embark on due to the cost
or the hassle of 2+ children tagging along.
We can use the money we have to provide a nice life and great
opportunities for our one child. We can
invest all our time and attention into this little one (while making sure not
to allow him to become that “weird” only child). My fantasy of running multiple children
around to their various activities after feeding them a wholesome, home cooked
dinner, then tucking them into bed and taking them to school the next day
becomes much less interesting (and much less possible) when you add into it a
full time job and a workaholic husband who arrives home at 8pm most
nights. Yes, I’ve accepted my role as
mommy of one because it gives me room for the role of wife, independent woman,
career woman, exercising woman, etc.
I’m loving…LOVING the idea of never having to deal with the
discomforts and limitations of pregnancy.
As much as I loved that I was able to nourish my son with milk from my
own body, it sure threw a monkeywrench into plans that took us away from the
house for more than 2 hours or away from each other for more than 2 hours, and while I'm a bit ashamed to admit it...I didn’t love breastfeeding so much that I’m dying to
get reacquainted with my Medela and her soft little whispers at 4:30am for my first pump of the day before getting ready for work. Of course, I would cherish the
opportunity to snuggle another baby at my breast, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t
kind of nice that I will NOT be responsible for another person's nourishment (at least via my own bodily fluids). Another thing...I’m not going to miss getting up in the
middle of the night 3+ times for 7+ months.
I just generally think the pregnancy and first year are pretty high
maintenance, and when you have to do it all alone because your husband works 60 hrs a week and travels…well, it’s a lot, and I’m just feeling kind of relieved that I don’t
have to do it again.
Sounds convincing right?
