More babies? BFN

It has been a long time since I have posted because I have had some significant changes occur in my life, my marriage and my overall attitude.  My last post was the BFN from my first IUI cycle after baby #1.  That cycle and its outcome were not life-changing in any way.  I fully expected that the first IUI would not result in a pregnancy.  I was hopeful of course, but not expecting anything.  What was life-changing (or it seemed so to me in my little world), was my husband’s admission that he really didn’t want to continue to try for more children.  He feels strongly that our life is very full with our one child and he doesn’t want to have to spread himself even thinner than he has already to provide the love, attention and financial support to a larger family.  This wasn’t much of a discussion either.  His mind is made up and there’s no talking him out of it.  I was heartbroken.

I’ve already had several people try to tell me how I need to assert my own opinions and how this decision is not unilateral etc, etc.  The thing is...this is not an area that works well for compromise...you're either having another baby or you're not.  When you're on opposite sides of that debate one wins, one has to lose.  I lost.   The good news is that I’m at peace with it.  There was never a guarantee that I would successfully get pregnant again, carry the baby full term, and give birth to a healthy singleton. Any deviation from that ideal would have been consuming to us as a family hence taking time and energy away from our current miracle who we love more than anything.

Also, I’m envisioning myself with the ability to have a life outside of parenthood.  We can take amazing trips that other families would not want to embark on due to the cost or the hassle of 2+ children tagging along.  We can use the money we have to provide a nice life and great opportunities for our one child.  We can invest all our time and attention into this little one (while making sure not to allow him to become that “weird” only child).  My fantasy of running multiple children around to their various activities after feeding them a wholesome, home cooked dinner, then tucking them into bed and taking them to school the next day becomes much less interesting (and much less possible) when you add into it a full time job and a workaholic husband who arrives home at 8pm most nights.  Yes, I’ve accepted my role as mommy of one because it gives me room for the role of wife, independent woman, career woman, exercising woman, etc.

I’m loving…LOVING the idea of never having to deal with the discomforts and limitations of pregnancy.  As much as I loved that I was able to nourish my son with milk from my own body, it sure threw a monkeywrench into plans that took us away from the house for more than 2 hours or away from each other for more than 2 hours, and while I'm a bit ashamed to admit it...I didn’t love breastfeeding so much that I’m dying to get reacquainted with my Medela and her soft little whispers at 4:30am for my first pump of the day before getting ready for work.  Of course, I would cherish the opportunity to snuggle another baby at my breast, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t kind of nice that I will NOT be responsible for another person's nourishment (at least via my own bodily fluids).  Another thing...I’m not going to miss getting up in the middle of the night 3+ times for 7+ months.  I just generally think the pregnancy and first year are pretty high maintenance, and when you have to do it all alone because your husband works 60 hrs a week and travels…well, it’s a lot, and I’m just feeling kind of relieved that I don’t have to do it again.

Sounds convincing right?  

10DPIUI....BFN

So today, I went ahead and tested.  I had my IUI 10 days ago and since I got my first BFP after my IVF 5 days past my 5 day transfer or the equivalent of 10DPO, I figured it would be a good time to try.  Even though it might have been a tad early, I still feel pretty sure that I’m out this month and I’m ok with that.  I felt it would have been a long shot for it to have worked this month anyway.  That being said, I should still mark down the following symptoms because I was either off my rocker with these feelings or something about this cycle had me getting symptoms and I want to remember that these symptoms do not indicate a pregnancy…necessarily.

1dpiui – queasy in the evening (I had eaten a big lunch and sort of felt gross from it)

2dpiui – again queasy in the evening, same big lunch problem

3dpiui – nothing, peeing a little more, hungrier, but nothing special, no sore boobs

4dpiui – nothing, same as yesterday, peeing, hungry, no sore boobs

5dpiui – nothing, no sore boobs

6dpiui – small cramping, wouldn't have noticed it if I hadn’t been hyper alert

7dpiui – small cramping again, VERY tired, but nothing that out of the ordinary really

8dpiui – nothing…still no sore boobs and every cycle before I got pregnant I would have sore boobs after O, starting to get nervous about that.

9dpiui – queasy off and on all day, but still no sore boobs

10dpiui – test BFN, no real symptoms

I have always believed that the symptoms that people feel before possible implantation are either completely unrelated or are a result of the increased progesterone (i.e. sore breasts).  I think almost everything even after implantation but prior to AF being due is probably less related to an actual pregnancy than it is due to the hormonal changes that occur cyclically each month.  However, I have never seen, in my own experience, queasiness in a non-pregnancy cycle.  Of course, my mind could be playing tricks, I could be suffering from some digestive issues, or possibly the letrozole or pre-natals or even the baby aspirin could be causing some discomfort.  Either way, I will remember from now on that even queasiness doesn’t indicate a pregnancy. 

I am actually very comfortable with the BFN and the idea of trying again.  (It helps that my inlaws are coming next weekend and now I can drink wine while they are here.)  

I do wish I didn’t have to attend so many appointments and get everyone at work all interested in what’s going on in my personal life again (and probably have to lie about what I’m actually doing), but I have come to the conclusion that I absolutely love the process of going through the treatments.  Yes, it’s uncomfortable, inconvenient, expensive for some, but there is a weird excitement that goes along with it that I find IN-toxicating.  I felt this way especially with my fresh IVF cycle.  I felt like my R.E.’s entire office was kind of revolving around me as I approached trigger day. I was a famous person there.  Everyone knew that I was the next retrieval.  This is a private, one-doctor practice, but it is by no means small.  It is located at Baylor Hospital in downtown Dallas, so my guess is the staff makes me FEEL as though I’m the only patient, but they really have more than just me approaching a retrieval.  Anyway, I’m actually kind of sad that we don’t plan to take this as far as IVF again, because a part of me would cherish another experience like that.  Don’t misunderstand…I do not enjoy the emotional desperation that we IF-ers endure during an IVF cycle.  It is not the easiest thing to explain, but to be clear, I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone.  I just find a strange pleasure in the sterile/scientific/medical part of the process.

So now we have to make a decision…do we participate in another cycle with the oral medication or ask to move on to the bigger “superovulation” with injectibles.  I am sort of leaning towards injectibles since I didn’t feel the letrozole jump-started me enough to even get sore boobs this cycle.  I just feel my chances are pretty slim with that.  I don’t mind taking another month to see how it goes, but all the appointments and work missed would be better investments on an injectable cycle I think.  

IUI

So here we are, on the eve of my first IUI after baby.  I have no idea how anyone goes through multiple IUI cycles without actually telling their employer what they are doing.  I am not even on injectibles and I’ve still been to the doctor four times checking follicle growth and once before I started the meds to ensure I didn't have any cysts.  I honestly think I was gone only a little bit more from work when I was doing my IVF fresh cycle.  The difference is, the likelihood of this cycle working is far less than the IVF cycle, so it’s frustrating.  I really like to keep this sort of thing sort of quiet from my bosses until I’m actually pregnant, because it’s personal, and awkward to talk about.  I don’t really care if they know, but I don’t want to have to have “the conversation” with them when going through treatments. 

Anyway, the cycle has gone fairly well from a medical perspective.  Super easy medication.  I took letrozole days 3-7 of my cycle.  I had no side effects at all.  After some fairly uneventful ultrasounds, today my lining looks great and I have one mature follie.  Initially I had three that looked like they would mature, but thankfully only one did.  The other two seemed to have stopped growing.  Obviously they could mature before it’s all over with, but I’m more comfortable having just one.  I was testing at home with OPK’s and got my + today.  It is day 15 of the cycle, so ovulation (and IUI) will be on day 16. 

What is really causing me some stress is that my husband has started to get cold feet about having another baby (like right in the middle of this cycle).  I don’t really understand why.  I know he feels like our son is starting to be kind of a handful, (this is true) and he is envisioning himself chasing two of them around for the next several years.  I agree this sounds a little un-sexy, but I’m not sure how it differs from chasing one around.  One kid still makes it hard to jet off to a beach location, or even run out to dinner with little notice.  Everything requires planning in advance.  We already have a large property and livestock, so it’s not like we have a lifestyle that allows us a ton of freedom anyway.  I think it makes sense to just have a second kid now, so we can cram all this baby craziness into a small period of time.  Of course a second baby costs more, but we spend so much money on the maintenance and improvement of our home and property and don’t get near the fulfillment that a child gives.  I don’t know, I guess I’m just not on the same page, but this is an important issue to be on the same page about.  I not yet ready to plan on being a one child family.  It’s not a bad thing, but right now I still want that different dynamic that comes with two kids.  I guess I’m leaving that one up to God because even if he was to refuse to give me a cup of his sperm tomorrow (which I cannot imagine he would do), we could have conceived “naturally” this cycle, so what’s done is done.  

9 Months

Should I be worried that my 9 month old isn’t crawling?  This and variations of this phrase have been typed into internet searches whenever I have a spare moment to obsess over the fact that my little boy is falling behind on his developmental goals.  I know I shouldn’t let this particular one bother me because the range is so wide for when babies actually accomplish this task, but it still bothers me.  My little one is the only one in his entire class who isn’t crawling.  It’s so sad…and he wants to crawl or be mobile anyway. 

On a more positive note about his accomplishments, I decided to roll a ball to him a couple weeks ago and he rolled it right back to me…again and again.  He knew exactly what he was doing and had remarkable control over it.  Now he tries to roll every toy that comes his way.  It is very cute.  I think he’s already a sports fan.

We are also beginning to show some very serious interest in daddy.  When daddy leaves the room, we cry.  When daddy hands him over to mommy, we cry.  When daddy drops him off at daycare, we cry.  Of course neither of us wants to see him upset, but daddy can’t help but feel a little honored that he is on the receiving end of so much attention.  Since overall the amount of time my husband spends with my son is significantly less that the time I spend with him, it is both nice to see my son asking him for more time and also nice to see that he has no confusion about the fact that this somewhat elusive adult in his life is a big part of it.

We have been enjoying a very long stretch of nearly flawless nights.  No middle of the night wakeups, and generally sleeping until 6:15/6:30am on his own, as well as going to sleep at night with little or no crying.  It has been wonderful.  My days of waking up 2-3 times per night are a distant memory, and I’m already spoiled with this new schedule.

Our 9 month well visit is today.  I’m excited to speak to the doctor about our inability to crawl, but my guess is she will tell me he’s perfectly fine and not to worry, he will crawl when he is ready.

I’m sorry, what did you say??

I’m going to begin a list of things fertile people should never say to someone with a history of infertility. Obviously there are the ones that everyone has seen (and there’s even a list on the Resolve website):

1. You need to relax
2. Maybe it’s not meant to be
3. Enjoy your freedom, at least you can sleep late on weekends (and variations of this)
4. You should just adopt (I think adoption is a beautiful thing, don’t get me wrong…I would adopt before trying another IVF, but it’s a personal decision that shouldn’t be suggested flippantly by others who don’t understand the difficulty)
5. Any sort of complaining about their own pregnancy (again…I totally get that pregnancy is hard, I’ve been there, so go bitch about it to your pregnant friends or friends who have had babies before, not infertile friends).

There are tons more and I will continue to add to this list as I come across them. I did want to highlight two things that I have heard recently from a fertile friend that left me stunned, flabbergasted, without words…

1. After 2 months of trying (and failing) a friend who was successfully pregnant after only 1 month with her first baby, actually told me that she thought God was testing her. (Look, I’m not the most infertile person on the planet or anything, but I tried to get pregnant for 54 cycles, then took a break and did another 26-27 cycles before getting pregnant on my FET cycle, so if God is testing you…you might have a long road ahead)
2. Same friend …who is now seeing a fertility specialist after only 3 months of trying (in her defense she lost an ovary after her last baby, and is 36, so she wants to make sure she’s not missing anything) says to me “I’ll be disappointed if I find out that I am ovulating, because if I’m not, I wouldn’t mind just popping a clomid and bam, I’m preggo next month”

Really??? I’m sure some people will tell me that I need to evaluate this friendship, but I can honestly say that these comments are not as insensitive as they sound. The person saying them is clearly self-absorbed, but also doesn’t feel that she is being offensive, because she just doesn’t get it. I talk to her frequently, our babies are close in age, so we often compare notes. I think she views me as “cured” or just doesn’t think about it at all because she doesn’t understand it. Either way, I’m adding these two comments to the list of things NOT to say to an infertile person (even an infertile person who has a successful pregnancy in her past).

My Parenting Style

I put a lot of thought into what type of parent I wanted to be prior to having my son. I had strong opinions on some things and had much more flexible ideas about other things. Several experiences along the way influenced my parenting style and I believe it will continue to evolve for the next several years. In fact, I’m not sure I will ever firmly be able to classify myself as a proponent of any particular parenting style.

One thing that really surprised me was the amount of controversy there was out there about every decision you made about your baby. I never expected it to be as hotly debated as it is…I mean we’re all just trying to take care of a little baby right? I literally would read books that had absolutely contradictory information and they would both describe the information as the ONLY acceptable way to handle the situation.

My parenting style could only be described as a melting pot of the different styles. This sometimes puts me in a position where I am confused about how I want to approach a situation, but it also allows me to step away from rigid beliefs in order to make things work for our family and potentially avoid a great deal of unnecessary stress.

My expectations when I was pregnant:
CHILDBIRTH: I would attempt a natural childbirth…I wasn’t dedicated to absolutely doing it. My birth plan was basically just “get the baby out safely”, but I believed there was benefit in laboring naturally and wanted to give myself (and my husband) the experience.

BREASTFEEDING: I knew I wanted to breastfeed (I didn’t have a timeline, but just knew I wanted to do it). Although I had little faith in my body’s ability to get pregnant or give birth, I never doubted my body’s ability to be able to nurse. I was aware of the potential challenges and certainly never took it for granted, but deep down, I expected this to come naturally to me.

FEEDING: I wanted to demand feed.

SLEEPING: I wanted my baby to sleep in his own bed, in his own room, from the very beginning.

CIO: Sort of open to it, but as a last resort.

What actually happened…and my feelings on that decision:
1. CHILDBIRTH: I labored naturally for 37 hours and finally had a c-section…I wouldn’t change a thing.

2. BREASTFEEDING: I breastfed exclusively until 7.5 months. (by that I mean no formula, I did start cereal and avocado at 4 months and other solids at 6 months). At 7.5 months, I stopped pumping and began feeding formula, with about 10 ounces a day of breastmilk from my freezer stash (I still am doing this until the freezer stash runs out)….I wouldn’t change a thing.

3. FEEDING: I demand fed and still do…I wouldn’t change a thing.

4. SLEEPING: Baby was in our room in a pack and play until he was about 12 weeks old…I wouldn’t change a thing

5. CIO: Started it at 7 months consistently…I generally wouldn’t change a thing, but I will address sleep issues sooner with a second child. I was such a slave to the wakeups and I think I might have been able to get these under control sooner if I had handled things differently there.

My personal opinions on each of the "controversial" topics:
CHILDBIRTH: This has to be a personal decision. I don’t think anyone should feel pressured to do a full-on natural childbirth, but I think, when possible, allowing labor to begin on its own has its advantages. It is a bit annoying that so many doctors want to schedule their calendars in advance, so they schedule inductions when they aren’t at all necessary. I certainly think that since great pain relief is available, moms should feel free to partake in that as soon as they are ready for it. On the other hand, dealing with that intense physical challenge as a team definitely brought my husband and me closer and gave him a respect for my strength that he hadn’t had previously.

BREASTFEEDING: I think it should be viewed as the best food for a baby, and I think it’s a shame if people don’t at least give it a chance, but if the challenges become overwhelming or if there is some reason that it won’t work for the mom, then fine…that’s why formula is there. It shouldn’t be a source of guilt for mothers who can’t or choose not to breastfeed. The fact that breastfeeding advocates have paved the way for those of us who are interested, is wonderful. The fact that I had a place to go during work to pump, and that people are expected to understand that inconvenience, made it easy for me to continue doing it for as long as I did.

FEEDING: I had a very demanding baby…he wanted to eat every 2 hours, no exceptions. If you tried to make him wait even 5 minutes, he made everyone miserable in the process. I didn’t fight it…I fed him whenever he was hungry. Now that he’s 8 months old, he goes 3-4 hours between feedings. He often can be convinced to wait a little longer if we’re in the car or something when he gets hungry. It’s just not a big deal. I would definitely demand feed again. It’s tough in the beginning to stay on that schedule, because you feel like that’s all you’re doing, but I don’t want to always be questioning myself about whether my baby has had enough to eat.

SLEEPING: Once I brought the baby home, I realized that it would be too much work to be going back and forth between our room and the nursery which was at the other end of the house. I was never opposed really to having the baby close by, but I thought it would be a difficult adjustment to get him to sleep in his bed if he didn’t start out there. Everything ended up being fine. It was tough as he got more alert because you had to tip toe into the room to get ready for bed, but we tried to get him moved out as soon as possible once he started being a lighter sleeper like that. I can’t imagine having him in there with us now, but for those who want that, I say go for it. It’s not for me, but again I think it's a personal decision.

CIO: I was actually opposed to CIO when the baby was very little. I could not imagine letting that little one cry himself to sleep, however, things changed considerably when he got older. It became apparent that he was in a habit of waking up and having me put him back down. It was just not the same as a tiny baby. The ability for me to open my mind to a method I was previously opposed to has been very helpful in this situation. I couldn’t be happier right now with the results from letting him cry a bit and work things out on his own. I’m not sure we would have gotten to the point we are now if we wouldn’t have let him cry.

I’ve rambled on for long enough, but to wrap up here…I’m just a parent trying to give my son a loving yet structured life where he can feel safe, comfortable and he can thrive as an independent child. Whatever type of parenting you call that is the parenting style I subscribe to.

The Plan

I officially am rejoining the ranks of ”infertiles trying to conceive”. I am afraid, in some ways, to begin this journey because the last 8 months have been bliss. I have not been concerned with my ovulation date, my period date, my two week wait, nothing. I’ve casually sipped on a glass of wine whenever I wanted it without giving a thought to a potentially growing bean in my tummy. The process of fertility treatments is an all-consuming one that few people understand if they haven’t been through it.

So now I begin this all-consuming process again. I am trying to cut my caffeine consumption drastically…this shouldn’t be too difficult since I was still very careful with caffeine when I was breastfeeding only a few short weeks ago. I am carefully monitoring my vitamin supplements to ensure that I am getting everything I need. I am paying attention to where I am in my cycle to obsessively monitor my underwear with every trip to the bathroom in order to gather some clues as to my ovulation status. Oh and believe it or not…that long ago forgotten feeling…libido? It has kinda sorta returned. I think this is largely due to hormones, because now that I’ve stopped breastfeeding, I have a lot more interest.

So today I am entering my first “fertile window” since before my last IVF. I am scheduled to ovulate about 3 days from now. I have no idea why I have hopes for becoming pregnant naturally but I do. I know the likelihood of us needing assistance is strong, so I am not going to wait around for this to happen on its own, but we have a mandatory one cycle wait before we can do anything with the fertility specialist, and there is no official reason that I shouldn’t be able to get pregnant on my own, so I’m going to try and I’m going to keep my hopes high.

Here’s the plan:
This month:
Try naturally. The fertility specialist would like to give my body a month to get everything back up to speed and also to see what happens with the first cycle. He wants to see how long it lasts, how things go and kind of do a very low tech determination if I’m probably ovulating on my own or not.

Next month:
- I have an order in my purse for several lab tests that will be done on cycle day 2/3 next time. Just the standard stuff plus a few new tests they’ve come up with since my last time around. Many of these can be drawn on any day of the cycle, but for simplicity, they’ll draw them all at once on that day.
- TW will also have his swimmers tested (they always test ridiculously well, so I’m not too worried about that).
- We will do a “follicle growth series” where I will be monitored by ultrasound in the days leading up to my ovulation to determine if the ovulation is going well.
- Scheduled insemination for the appropriate time.
This cycle will be unmedicated. Normally I might not want to waste time with that, but my insurance pays 100% for 6 IUI’s before paying a dime for IVF. (We are sooo very blessed to have insurance coverage for infertility…I remind myself of this every single time I get frustrated with my job or the process.) We actually really don’t want to do IVF this time around, but with 6 free IUI’s we are fine with doing a month unmedicated.

Following months:
Medicated IUI’s – In my opinion, we should do all 6 that my insurance wants us to do prior to IVF. If they all fail, TW and I will have to discuss how far we are willing to go. I personally feel pretty confident that we can get pregnant with 6 IUI’s, but I think if you don’t get pregnant within the first 3 your chances decrease (because obviously whatever is wrong with you is not getting resolved with the medication and process). I’m very hopeful that my body is now an “old pro” at getting pregnant and that my hormones might be perfectly balanced for supporting a pregnancy right now.

I’m excited. I actually don’t enjoy the state of pregnancy physically. I, of course, loved the idea that I was nurturing human life in my womb…who doesn’t love that who comes from a background of infertility? The condition itself though…not a fan. I had a pretty textbook pregnancy, nothing too difficult, but a lot of common discomforts, so I am a little nervous, but I am ready for the challenge.