It has been a long time since I have posted because I have had some significant changes occur in my life, my marriage and my overall attitude. My last post was the BFN from my first IUI cycle after baby #1. That cycle and its outcome were not life-changing in any way. I fully expected that the first IUI would not result in a pregnancy. I was hopeful of course, but not expecting anything. What was life-changing (or it seemed so to me in my little world), was my husband’s admission that he really didn’t want to continue to try for more children. He feels strongly that our life is very full with our one child and he doesn’t want to have to spread himself even thinner than he has already to provide the love, attention and financial support to a larger family. This wasn’t much of a discussion either. His mind is made up and there’s no talking him out of it. I was heartbroken.
I’ve already had several people try to tell me how I need to assert my own opinions and how this decision is not unilateral etc, etc. The thing is...this is not an area that works well for compromise...you're either having another baby or you're not. When you're on opposite sides of that debate one wins, one has to lose. I lost. The good news is that I’m at peace with it. There was never a guarantee that I would successfully get pregnant again, carry the baby full term, and give birth to a healthy singleton. Any deviation from that ideal would have been consuming to us as a family hence taking time and energy away from our current miracle who we love more than anything.
Also, I’m envisioning myself with the ability to have a life outside of parenthood. We can take amazing trips that other families would not want to embark on due to the cost or the hassle of 2+ children tagging along. We can use the money we have to provide a nice life and great opportunities for our one child. We can invest all our time and attention into this little one (while making sure not to allow him to become that “weird” only child). My fantasy of running multiple children around to their various activities after feeding them a wholesome, home cooked dinner, then tucking them into bed and taking them to school the next day becomes much less interesting (and much less possible) when you add into it a full time job and a workaholic husband who arrives home at 8pm most nights. Yes, I’ve accepted my role as mommy of one because it gives me room for the role of wife, independent woman, career woman, exercising woman, etc.
I’m loving…LOVING the idea of never having to deal with the discomforts and limitations of pregnancy. As much as I loved that I was able to nourish my son with milk from my own body, it sure threw a monkeywrench into plans that took us away from the house for more than 2 hours or away from each other for more than 2 hours, and while I'm a bit ashamed to admit it...I didn’t love breastfeeding so much that I’m dying to get reacquainted with my Medela and her soft little whispers at 4:30am for my first pump of the day before getting ready for work. Of course, I would cherish the opportunity to snuggle another baby at my breast, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t kind of nice that I will NOT be responsible for another person's nourishment (at least via my own bodily fluids). Another thing...I’m not going to miss getting up in the middle of the night 3+ times for 7+ months. I just generally think the pregnancy and first year are pretty high maintenance, and when you have to do it all alone because your husband works 60 hrs a week and travels…well, it’s a lot, and I’m just feeling kind of relieved that I don’t have to do it again.
Sounds convincing right?