Ultrasound Update

Generally our appointment on Monday went well, but we didn’t get any new news about our little guy. Our healthy twin is doing great, measuring between 8 weeks 2 days and 8 weeks 4 days depending on the angle. He was moving around and you could clearly see arms and legs and even what looked like eyes. It was amazing. Everything is perfect with him. Our little guy still had a strong heartbeat and was measuring 2-4 days behind our healthy one, which is the same as last week. His sac is still small and the doctor is still giving us little to no hope of him surviving.

It just seems crazy to me that there is no hope for this little guy. Anyone with a strong heartbeat like that must have hope right? I still have hope for him. I know many doctors who have been very negative about a situation only to have things turn out fine in the end. I am just so incredibly thankful that I do have my one healthy twin in there. If all my hopes were on the little guy, I would be a complete wreck. How terrible it must be to lose a baby, particularly once you’ve seen a heartbeat. It just seems so unfair. Of course, I’m still a little nervous about both of them since we’re only at 8.5 weeks. I will be 12 weeks on January 16th, but it seems that my 2nd trimester doesn’t begin until 13 weeks, so maybe I need to hold my breath until the 23rd.

My “morning” sickness has been progressively worse and worse. Monday night and yesterday it was as bad as it has ever been. I was having a lot of trouble sleeping, then getting ready for work and getting anything done. It was so difficult to eat anything too. Today, I have that familiar sick feeling, but it’s not nearly as intense and for the first time ever I think, I’m welcoming the relief.

Also, I have either become bloated or I’m actually beginning to show, because I cannot button any of my jeans. This started a couple of weeks ago, leading me to believe it’s more bloating, but it’s not uncomfortable, I just feel like I have a big belly. Either way, I don’t think anyone else would notice, but I am having to secure my jeans with a ponytail holder, or in some cases I have been wearing a bella band which actually works pretty well.

Well today is my “Friday”. I work until 3:30pm today then I’m off until January 3rd. I’m so excited. I think the timing is perfect because it should make the next week and a half fly by and it also gives me the freedom to rest and relax if I’m feeling bad. When I get back to work I’ll be 10 weeks, which isn’t there yet, but definitely closing in on the end of the 1st trimester. I also have my appointment with the regular OB on December 29th. I’m very interested in hearing her opinions on my little guy.

Friday! Ultrasound countdown

Well, just a few more days until my 2nd ultrasound. I am feeling awful these days. I still don’t have intense nausea, like I’m not actually vomiting or even getting that close to vomiting, but I am moderately nauseas almost all the time and now I’m having a very hard time eating anything. I am worried about this and hope it passes or lessens soon, so I don’t lose any weight. I may try to take some unisom + B6 tonight to see if I can manage the food aversions, but I don’t know if it has the same effect on aversions as it does on nausea. I would just like to be able to eat again without very slowly taking bites and trying to swallow them.

I am so glad it is Friday today. We have kind of a fun weekend planned, so I’m looking forward to that. Tonight is just chill night. We’ll watch a movie and I’m planning to pick up something/anything that sounds remotely non-nauseating for dinner (I’m not cooking) and chill on the couch. Tomorrow, we have TW’s work dinner. This should be fun and because my husband is adorable, he has already told EVERYONE at his office about my pregnancy, so there is no need to fake drink or anything. I can just be me. I am hoping that I can be interested in at least something on the menu. Then on Sunday we are going to church, then to lunch and then to see A Christmas Carol at the theater with friends. It is supposed to be very good and I just love getting in the Christmas mood with shows like that. I’m hopeful that the weekend will be relaxing and low stress, because first thing Monday is my ultrasound.

So here is the bad news. I have tirelessly been researching the situation my little guy is in. My two sacs are remarkably different in size, but my two embryos are only differing by 3 days. I continued to find more and more reassuring stories about one embryo being a couple days behind, and began to get a much more positive attitude about little guy. Until my hopes came crashing down when I read this

“from 5.5 - 9 weeks the gestational sac size should exceed the crown to rump length by 5mm. If the difference is less, spontaneous demise exceeds 90%.”

This is very bad news for little guy. I think it would be a real stretch for his sac to be 5mm larger than his crown to rump length. A less than 10% chance is very difficult for me to swallow. I still have hope, but I’m much less optimistic. I can totally deal with the idea of one baby, I just hate the idea of losing my little bean with a heartbeat. As a result of this discovery, I was kind of down yesterday. I’m hoping that Monday presents us with a much rosier picture, but I am also prepared to see a slower heartbeat or some other sign of little guy struggling. I knew I would never be comfortable that my pregnancy is safe until the day when the fetuses are viable outside my body and even then maybe not, but I did think seeing a heartbeat would give me some comfort. So far, I’m of course thrilled that we saw the heartbeat, but it is just one of many more milestone’s we need to hit before this is over.

Infertility is a crazy thing, even when you’ve “overcome” it, you still have the burden and the fear holding you down. I want to be happy, overjoyed even by this pregnancy, but I can’t shake the fear. I actually am overjoyed that I was able to get pregnant, I’m just not able to feel confident that this will result in a living, breathing, squirming infant(s).

More Waiting...Still Pregnant 7 Weeks 4 Days

Well, here I am again, waiting…this time I’m waiting for my second ultrasound. If someone had told me that being pregnant was almost as bad with all the waiting as infertility, I never would have believed them. (I would still choose waiting while pregnant, over waiting while infertile though, I will never forget where I came from.) I do feel pregnant, but I don’t at all feel comfortable about it yet. I feel like I’m dancing on the edge of a cliff and I could lose everything in a moment. I’m also still worried about “little guy”. I really want my smaller embryo to catch up or at least continue to develop so we don’t have to worry so much about him. I cannot stress enough how incredibly happy I am to have finally gotten this far. This is a huge milestone, and to see heartbeats is beyond amazing. I’m not sure I ever thought I would get here, but I just can’t quite breathe easily yet. I hope the end of this trimester will bring me some relief, but I know myself well enough to suspect that I will find something else to be nervous about at that point.

My doctor took me off my PIO injections and switched me to oral this week. Of course, I couldn’t be happier to set aside those needles, my ice pack, my heating pad, etc, hopefully forever, but it makes me nervous too. I would have gladly continued those shots for the duration of this pregnancy if it was necessary. In addition, they took me off the estrogen patches. Those little satan patches can go away and never return if you ask me. I never thought I would prefer an intramuscular injection over an innocent looking transdermal patch, but let me tell you, after wearing 5 of these at a time for the last 5 weeks, my abdomen is a complete mess. I have scratched these patch locations until they bleed plenty of times. My sensitive skin has rejected the tape (or the bacteria that eventually settles in after 3 days) to the point where it appears there is a large raised hive in the shape of a patch after I’ve removed them (patch area picture coming soon). Yet...it scares me to have them gone. Supposedly, somewhere in that little pregnancy sac, there is a mini-hormone factory. I just hope it’s up and running smoothly because we removed the safety net and took off the training wheels.

These last few days/weeks, I have felt consistently queasy. It’s more intense and very obviously there. The bigger problem for me though are the food aversions. I have no interest in any food. I have to run meal options through my mind until I finally arrive at one that doesn't exacerbate the nausea. I usually find something, but it’s usually NOT what I want to be feeding these babies (pizza has sounded consistently non-gag inducing). Yesterday and today, I’ve really been trying to keep it healthier, but it’s so hard. I hope this passes before I’ve starved these little ones of all the nutrition they need. I have been making sure I’m drinking lots of water, and I’m forcing myself to eat a few fruits and vegetables each day. Protein is a real problem for me, but I’m trying to get more creative there. It’s all worth it, I just thought I would be the picture of a perfect pregnant woman. Eating all the perfect nutrition and exercising lightly, doing some yoga, glowing, patting my belly, talking to the little ones, and all I can do is eat pizza and fall asleep on the couch the second I’ve finished my dinner.

Ultrasound #1 7 Weeks 1 Day

We had our ultrasound and I’m completely relieved and excited to report that we saw two! heartbeats that were both beating at an acceptable rate (not sure what the exact measurement was). The only sad part is that Twin B is measuring 3 days behind Twin A and to the naked eye, the difference is astounding. Twin B’s sac is maybe ¼ the size of Twin A’s sac. The fetuses look to be much closer in size (hence the only 3 day difference in measurement). Obviously we are overjoyed to have one healthy twin, but I can’t help but hope that little Twin B rallies and has a little growth spurt to catch him up. I will be happy with one or two children from this cycle but after seeing two heartbeats, my heart aches to have them both.

I wouldn’t be that nervous about this difference because 3 days doesn’t sound like much, but the R.E. was pretty negative about it. He said usually when there is a disparity like this there is a reason and the smaller twin eventually stops developing and reabsorbs. At the time I didn’t have the presence of mind to ask what the chances were…50/50? 90/10? I guess I’ll know more next week. The pictures are below. The second one shows both sacs in the same frame, and you can really see the difference in size.

We are scheduled to go back next Monday to take another look before I am released to my OB. I will be 8 weeks 1 day next Monday. I’m really hoping for both little ones to be measuring in better sync this next time. I’ve been picturing myself as a mother to twins ever since my high HCG level on my first beta. I’m having difficulty picturing myself as a mom to only one, but there are most DEFINITELY benefits to having only one child at a time. I guess I was hoping to put IVF in my rear view mirror forever and build our whole family in one shot. Either way, I’m beyond excited that there are heartbeats! I’m for real now. I’ve joined the club of pregnant women!

6 Weeks

This has quite possibly been the longest week of my life. I am in love with being pregnant, but every day I crave more information about what parts my babies are developing this week and what I might be feeling this week, etc. Probably even more addictive is re-reading all the blogs I can find to compare my early pregnancy symptoms and HCG levels, and sadly, comparing myself to the miscarriage stories to try to find discrepancies that set my situation apart from those who suffered losses. It is an obsessive hobby, and I'm so relieved that next week will be a busier week at work, because I simply cannot continue to obsess this way.

Overall, I'm feeling optimistic, but I still have the doubts that rear their ugly heads whenever I get too comfortable. My symptoms were getting worse Thursday, Friday and Saturday which gives me some comfort in between my HCG tests and the ultrasound.

Friday night I really felt sick, probably the worst queasiness so far. I still hesitate to call it nausea, because it's not quite the same as that horrible feeling. I was trying to slap together a frozen pizza and salads for dinner and really was longing to have it all done so I could sit on the couch and relax. Then I ate and still felt awful. YAY! Saturday morning and mid-day I felt really bad too, whether I had an empty stomach or a full one, I felt pretty gross. Again, this is great news! Now last night and this morning, I’m feeling pretty good. Of course, instead of enjoying this weekend reprieve from the sickness, I’m stressing about the disappearance of symptoms. Then, the biggest scare was I had a bit of brown spotting mid-morning today. It’s only a little, and I don’t really have any cramping to go with it. I feel little twinges here and there, but nothing I would describe as cramping. I just feel my hopes come crashing down when I have these two things together (spotting and lack of symptoms). I’m praying that I will feel some queasiness later or tomorrow morning.

I cannot stand living in the dark. I know I need to stop stressing about this, but I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around the fact that my body…MY BODY, the one who has failed me for years, is currently nurturing these babies. It just doesn’t seem possible. At the same time, I do feel deep down that things will be ok, so I’m just so confused. Of course, stressing is not good no matter what. I need to relax and try to get positive. One more week til the ultrasound. If only there is a heartbeat (or more than one), maybe I can feel some peace.

5 Weeks 4 Days

Oh how wonderful it feels to state my “moment in time” as a progression in my pregnancy rather than a point in my two week wait. As nervous as I am about the final outcome of this pregnancy, I am enjoying every minute of actually being pregnant, for real. No one can take this away from me, because right now, my body is nurturing one to three tiny little people. I so hope I can continue to enjoy this marvelous feeling for the next 34 weeks.

I don’t have anything that new to report. I still feel a little queasy in the mornings and I’ve started noticing even more of that in the evenings and other times of day, particularly if I’m hungry. The feeling is really better described as an urge to gag than actual nausea. I remember having the stomach flu and feeling so horrible that I would be incredibly relieved after actual vomiting and feeling better for a short time. This is not like that at all. I’m just on the edge of feeling yucky. More like when you’re on an antibiotic and you take it on too empty of a stomach.

I really am not tired yet. I definitely am ready to go to bed at night, but I don’t feel that it is much more pronounced than usual. I can smell things a mile away, but that might be the FIVE estrogen patches and the two shots a day of progesterone I’m taking.

I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact that this is real. I almost wish I could have had an earlier ultrasound so I could see the sac(s), but I don’t really want an ultrasound before there is a heartbeat, because I don’t want to wonder if it was too early or if the heartbeat just isn’t going to start. I have read several stories of women who have early ultrasounds and do see a heartbeat at this time. I find that so amazing and so comforting to think that my little nuggets might already have beating hearts.

I just looked on Circle + Bloom’s website and found that they do have a pregnancy program. I’m very tempted to order this, but it appears there are only 3 sessions and it is $24 for the downloadable version. I paid $59 for 18 sessions with the IVF program. I found the transfer and 2WW sessions so comforting and nice with the IVF program that I really do think I would enjoy this, but I also think one session over and over and over again will get tedious and boring. I’m going to think on it a little longer.

I am still anxiously awaiting my ultrasound on 12/13, and I’m hoping this wasn’t too forward of me, but I made an appointment with my OB for 12/29. She books out months in advance, so you have to take what you can get, and I really wanted the appointment to fall in the week between Christmas and New Year’s since I’m off that week. I’m just praying that I’ll be in attendance at that appointment with heartbeats in tow.

Good News!

The beta number is in……7100!! I was really hoping for a number between 3500-6000, so I am completely shocked at 7100. The nurse also told me that the doctor agreed to do an ultrasound on December 13th which is a week earlier than originally planned. This will allow me to have the ultrasound and then the infusion right afterwards (assuming all is well with the heartbeats).

So tell me why I’m still so scared. I am really trying to be relaxed and enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, but the doubts begin infesting my mind every time I Google ANYTHING related to pregnancy. My best advice to anyone who is an infertility graduate – Stay off the internet. I’m going to try to follow my own advice because I simply cannot keep reading about seemingly perfect pregnancies that end in heartbreaking miscarriages.

I think I will really feel much better if I can see those heartbeats. There is so much evidence that once the fetus has a heartbeat the chance of miscarriage drops significantly. I don’t think that will take away my concerns completely, but I feel like that will help some.

I am feeling even queasier than I was a few days ago. I fully expect this to get worse before it gets better, but I appreciate the reminder that things are happening in there. It is funny how good it makes me feel when I feel bad.

I can always find something to stress about. In between my concerns that the pregnancy will not ultimately produce a viable baby, I stress about my car and daycare costs. We recently traded in our SUV for a cute, sexy little black sedan. This car is awesome for driving around and I love it, but I can’t help but wonder where the heck I’m going to put two carseats in there. (Still thinking this is twins, but we have no confirmation). I think we’re going to have to get a bigger car, I just wish we hadn’t only 6 months ago traded in my perfect SUV!

Then I begin to stress about the daycare. I love the little center that is walking distance from my home, but it closes at 6:30 and I don’t get off work til 5:30 and I have an hour commute. This means that I will either have to change my hours (probably not a big deal) or find a daycare closer to work. There is a great daycare in my building but the cost is almost twice as much. It would be tempting though if it were only one baby because I could literally go see the baby at lunch to nurse and play, and I would be with him/her all the way to and from work each day (not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing for a baby to endure 2 hours in the car each day). Changing jobs is not an option. My insurance costs me only $25/month to cover the whole family, the salary is not bad, and my job is so easy to walk away from each day. No stress once I get home at night unlike my more “important” previous position.

I need to find a “zen” place to rest my body for the next several months. I need to let go of the car concerns. My husband can figure that out. He is good at it and he will make the right decision. The daycare concerns will be sorted out in a few months. It’s simply not worthwhile to worry about this right now. Zen Zen Zen. I wonder if they make a Circle + Bloom series for early pregnancy. That is what I need.

Beta Numbers!

The last week has been a bit of a blur with the holiday and having company etc. To bring everything up to date…I went in last Monday for my first beta, which I knew would be positive based on the tests I did at home. That test came back at 523 and my doctor told me we might be dealing with multiples.


I had been feeling a bit queasy off and on and tired off and on, so when I felt fine Tuesday and Wednesday I started to get nervous, but Wednesday’s beta came back at 1037! I was overcome with relief. For some reason I was just so scared that the pregnancy had just disappeared.

Today I went in for beta number 3. We have had 5 days pass since my last beta, so we’re hoping for something between 4000-6000. I suppose it could be lower than that if I did have multiples in there before and one of them failed to develop or is in the process of failing. I’m sitting by the phone waiting for the nurse to call.

In addition to the all-important beta number, she will also let me know when my first ultrasound will be. Usually they do the first ultrasound 4 weeks from the first beta! I thought this sounded like such a long time to wait. I really want to know how many are in there and whether we have heartbeats before December 20th!

Since I have to get my next intra-lipid infusion between December 10th and December 14th, I’ve asked for my ultrasound before that. There is no sense in taking a ½ day off work, getting an IV infusion for 3 hours and paying out of pocket for the pleasure of all that if I don’t have those heartbeats. By December 13th I should be right at 7 weeks, so we certainly should be able to see them if they’re there.

Hoping for an ultrasound on Dec 13th and a beta of 6000!

BFP! I'm in disbelief

Maybe I should have posted this right away when I got my first BFP, so I could have captured those first raw feelings, but I was almost afraid to do anything for fear that the line may not be there the next day. The second day I saw that beautiful line again and still worried that it could begin to get fainter and fainter. Today, the line is much darker and while I’m still taking this day by day, I’m going to go ahead and post this so I can begin to journal my feelings. After all, that is really what this blog is for me, a journal to help me remember what my feelings were at different points in my journey.


I can tell you that my feelings today are of overwhelming gratitude and relief and excitement. Unlike the blissful fertile, bopping around looking at maternity clothes and cribs and dreaming about baby names, I will just be cautiously optimistic for a while, maybe until I’m giving birth to a live baby.


The one thing I can say for absolutely certain…we’ve never been this far before. That is huge for me. I know that there are people who experience chemical pregnancies and miscarriages and they may think I’m crazy, but I view this as taking a step forward. Don’t get me wrong, I will be absolutely crushed if anything happens to that beautiful pee-stained second line, but I will have been given a gift of hope…the hope that I can one day have a pregnancy that will reach my ultimate goal of a live baby.


So, getting down to business here. The picture below is 5dp5dt. The line is quite difficult to see on the screen and it was definitely faint on the test, but I think it was easier to see in person.

This picture (see below) is today’s test. The line is really getting darker.

As much as I would love to have very little nausea during this pregnancy, like every other woman grasping at straws, when I feel it, I’m a little excited. I honestly didn’t think I would feel any until 6 weeks, but today, I definitely was queasy. It was not debilitating and I’m sure it’s going to get worse, but it was uncomfortable enough that I know I was not imagining it. I was definitely shaky and had that throat closing feeling where you’re burping a lot and breathing through it. The good news was eating a little helped and it passed by 10 or 11am and I haven’t felt it again today.

Can't wait to test tomorrow morning!

4dp5dt

I’m scared I will get a BFN if I test.

I’m scared this FET won’t work.

I’m scared I will never get pregnant.

I’m scared I will spend tons of money trying to get pregnant and never be successful.

I’m scared I will make the wrong decision about pursuing further treatment, trying donor eggs or moving towards adoption.

I’m scared my husband will not be comfortable with the options I want to pursue to become a mother. I’m scared that will cause me to resent him and destroy our relationship.

I’m scared I will be unfulfilled in my life as I wander aimlessly in search of a child.

I’m scared I will be old and alone.

3dp5dt (Three Days Past 5 Day Transfer)

Well here I am at 3 days past my day 5 transfer, and I’m obsessing. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, but I cannot stop Googling 3dp5dt symptoms, 3dp5dt BFP, 3 blasts transferred + triplets and other variations of this. I am once again torn between testing frequently to try to find out as early as possible and holding out as long as I can in order to avoid early BFN’s that aren’t reliable and maintain a positive outlook for the well being of my embies and their environment. I don’t know what to do, so I think I’ll wait it out until I can’t wait any longer. Maybe Friday or Saturday? That would make me 7dp5dt. It would HAVE to show a BFP by then if we were successful right?




I’m having such a wonderful time pretending to be pregnant with triplets. Of course, I really hope that if this works, we only get one or two, but triplets is better than none. I have been talking to them, telling them what we’re going to have for lunch, imagining myself holding their adorable little chubby bodies in a onesie, telling them how excited I am to meet them. I’m sure some psychiatrists would feel this is good evidence to have me committed, but I am loving it. It’s just so nice to know that it’s not just me today, there are 3 little beings with me, that I’m protecting and nurturing.



I can’t believe how many exceedingly positive things I have read on the internet about blastocyst transfers. Enough to make me a little scared that we put 3 in there. I also saw the one hatching which was just amazing. I mean, I have to believe that little guy was going to get in there and find a nice warm place to snuggle him up since he just hatched. It looked just like this.

I’m just feeling so good right now. I obviously want this to work, but even if it doesn’t I don’t feel that upset about enduring this process again, despite the fact that we’re totally out of pocket next time. I just feel positive. One thing I’ve noticed as I scour the internet for people’s stories about their road to parenthood…Not ONE of them ends up being completely denied of the privilege of being a parent. Each and every one of them either gets pregnant eventually (on their own, maybe using donor eggs, using a surrogate, etc), or if they cannot bring to life a biological (or semi-biological) child, then they adopt domestically or internationally or through the foster system, whatever. There are no couples out there with empty arms if they really want this badly. That is so completely comforting to me.



Well, I’m off to obsess some more. I’m feeding the little ones some Italian food for dinner at our little neighborhood restaurant. It seems so warm and comforting.  I’m sure they will enjoy it (and I know I will). I only wish I could have wine, but I think I might splurge and have a diet coke. I haven’t had one in months.

FET #1 Transfer

Babies on board! Or embryos anyway... Our three little frosties all survived the thaw, and were positioned perfectly into my uterus yesterday!

I'm very excited about this time for many reasons.

1. My embryos are blasts this time, not day 3, so I feel we have more reason to believe they have the strength to survive.

2. We put three in instead of two, how can our chances not be better with three.

3. The embryologist almost seemed nervous to put all three in. She kept telling us how great they looked and how strong they were. She was definitely wanting us to think hard about the risk of multiples.

I have a good feeling about this time though. I really do.

So the day started out annoyingly with a trip to the dentist to adjust the bite on a filling from earlier in the week. Once I got through that, we headed over to the cancer center at the hospital to receive my intra lipid infusion.  I wasn't really nervous about this, but it took the nurses three IV's to get a vein that would allow saline to be pushed through it.  They were able to get into the vein, just not get the vein to cooperate.  The first one didn't hurt, but the second one hurt a lot, then I was super nervous about the third one, which was painful, but not terrible. 

Once they got everything in, the infusion itself was no big deal.  I took my blanket and pillow, reclined in my chair and listened to my Circle and Bloom Transfer session.  It was a great one.  I loved the parts about sending the warmth from your hand to the uterus. 

After the infusion, we went over to the R.E.'s office.  I was determined to regulate my bladder, so I wouldn't be as uncomfortable as I was last time.  I got my blood drawn and then was given my valium.  This time, they gave the valium time to sink in.  It was soooo much better than last time.  I was feeling very relaxed and I was really enjoying myself by the time they were ready to take me in. 

They took us in and we got to see the three embryos under the microscope (one was already hatching, so it looked like four), then we were ready to get started.  The speculum, just like last time, was really uncomfortable.  I don't know why that it so bad, but the whole thing is really unpleasant. 

TW is not into coddling me, so he usually gives me his hand to hold, but he's not overly attentive or anything, but there was this extra nurse in the room (I have no idea why), but she came up and was rubbing my arm and encouraging me and telling me to take slow deep breaths.  It was really, really nice.  It made me think seriously about hiring a doula should I ever succeed at getting pregnant.

After the transfer, they wheeled me back into the room and had me lay there for supposedly 10 minutes, then I would have a chance to pee, then lay for another 45 minutes or so.  Well, they had a few transfers that day and they TOTALLY forgot to let me pee.  Finally after about 35 minutes, when I thought I was going to wet the bed, I asked TW to go find someone.  He came back eating some candy from the front desk (odd, I didn't send him for candy or to the front desk), and the promise that someone was right behind him. 

They did show up and let me go, but I was kind of pissed about them forgetting about me.  The biggest annoyance was that I was waiting to pee, so I could come back to the room and listen to the Circle and Bloom transfer session again.  I couldn't relax enough to listen before I peed, but after I came back they told me I was pretty much ready to go, so I didn't get to listen to it while I was there.  I was sooo irritated.

That was about it, we drove home and I've been chilling on the couch ever since.

FET Second Ultrasound

I had my second ultrasound this morning, and my lining is 9.7. Apparently the doctor is happy with that, so we are moving forward. We are thawing 3 embryos, and I'm praying that at least one makes it through. One is very good quality, the other two are A-/B+ quality, and we're implanting them all. Part of me is scared of triplets, but there's another part of me that knows it will be great if even one sticks. Twins or triplets would be a challenge, but we would manage.

My transfer is scheduled for Friday at 1pm. I'm having my intra lipid infusion in the morning that day to treat my natural killer cells. I just want to find a way to be more relaxed during the transfer and to be less uncomfortable from the full bladder. I am taking my Circle and Bloom sessions to listen to. There is a designated "Transfer" session which is supposed to keep you relaxed. The valium should help too if they give it to me in time. I'm going to ask for it as soon as I get there.

PIO shots start on Sunday, so I'm not too excited about that, but the rest of it is exciting.

FET First Ultrasound

After going through a fresh IVF, a frozen cycle is amazingly uneventful. I went in for my first U/S for this cycle. My lining looked good (boooorrrring). My estrogen was a tad low, so they've asked me to do 5 patches tomorrow instead of 4. I'm hoping the estrogen wasn't the cause of my mini-meltdowns on Sunday because I'm going to be having a big meltdown tomorrow if that's the case, but I think the lupron is actually the culprit of my emotional ups and downs (primarily downs) during cycles.

So, if all goes well on Friday (second boring U/S), we will plan to do my intra-lipid infusion and my transfer on 11/12. Obviously, my embryos have to make it through the thaw, so I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm hopeful that we'll have a great transfer next Friday!

On another note, I recently purchased the Circle + Bloom program for IVF/IUI. This is a positive thinking/relaxation program that is designed specifically for IVF. There is a different session for every couple of cycle days. Since I'm doing an FET, I was unable to utilize the first several sessions (where the purpose was to visualize your eggs growing in your uterus, etc). I actually wasn't sure what the best way to handle the program was, so I reached out to the company by email and the founder of the company emailed me back right away and helped me customize a program for my FET. I was impressed by that level of service. They are still a small company, but they've been in Conceive magazine and many others as well, and I believe they are at least mentioned on the Resolve website.

So far, I have found these sessions to be very relaxing, so much so that I often drift off while listening. I do tend to engage in these sessions right before bed and I listen while laying in bed. If I changed my location and listened at a less "tired" time of day, I'm sure I would get more of a relaxation effect than a sleeping pill effect.

I'm hoping that the sessions are specifically helpful pre and post transfer because I found I was extremely tense during my last transfer due to the discomfort of the full bladder and that was compounded by the irritation I had remaining from my catheter during my retrieval. The speculum was more uncomfortable than usual (no lube) and the overall fear of not knowing what to expect. I feel this next transfer can be much more "Zen" and I plan to do everything in my power to stay as relaxed as I can.

Tough Day

For some reason, today has been difficult for me. I think I have just the wrong combination of lupron and estrogen that is clashing and causing me some hormonal spurts, but more significantly TW and I had a conversation about adoption/fostering which left me feeling a bit empty.

I have been adament about keeping my chin up throughout this process, but the only way I can do that is if I have a "Plan B" out there to fall back on if my next treatment fails. I have been thinking adoption is my next "Plan B", however, when discussing this with TW today, he wasn't sold. He asked if we could first exhaust all the options that he is comfortable with before moving on to the options he is less comfortable with. I always knew where he stood on adoption and particularly on fostering (not totally against it, but not totally comfortable with it), but I guess I just felt like he was coming around.

In some ways, I'm wondering if this revelation is a good thing. It almost makes me look at this FET and potentially future IVF's in a more positive light. It simply has to work. Unfortunately, I read enough infertilty blogs to know that it does not HAVE to work. It certainly could, but there are so many couples who are left empty-armed after multiple IVF/FET, Donor Egg, Donor Sperm, etc etc. I'm just so devastated that I'm being faced with a possibility of being childless.

Now, TW is very likely to be more interested in adoption if and when that becomes our only option. He's just nervous about being able to unconditionally love a child who isn't his flesh and blood. I know he would love that child, but he is concerned, so I need to be sensitive to that.

I just need to know I'll be a mother someday to someone. Why does it have to be so hard?

Weight Gain??

So all of a sudden I’ve noticed that I’m gaining a couple of pounds. This is very uncommon for me (I’m one of those girls who doesn’t pay any attention to my weight and I can stay in my size 2’s and 4’s without incident). I haven’t changed anything about the way I’m eating or living. In the month of October, I have gained 2.5 pounds. I know this may sound ridiculous, but after watching my sister gain too much weight with her baby and then have to take it off gradually, one pound per week, I’m not interested in letting mine creep up at all.

Maybe I’ve reached the point in my life where I will have to be more aware of what I’m eating. I do eat healthy and try to maintain an active and healthy lifestyle, but I haven’t been exercising strenuously since June due to my job and commute. I need to find a way to fit it in, but I just haven’t yet. I have heard people say that they gain weight with fertility treatments, but when I gained the first of the 2.5 pounds I was actually only taking birth control pills. Oh well! I’m going to start paying attention and make sure that I don’t gain any more.

My cycle is continuing to move forward slowly. I am on one estrogen patch + 10 units of lupron right now and I have my two ultrasounds next week to determine the condition of my lining. I sort of feel like my ovaries are working on building an egg or two, but I suppose with the lupron suppression, even if there was an egg, it wouldn’t be released.

November 12th is transfer day!

Lupron Headaches

...are the worst! I’ve been taking Lupron for the last 10 or so days, but once you stop taking the birth control pills, the Lupron really seems to kick in. My head hurts every day and Tylenol just doesn’t seem to cut it.

Things have been pretty boring in this cycle so far. I’m just taking pills and doing Lupron shots. I don’t start estrogen patches until Sunday, so I think I’m going to be dealing with headaches until the estrogen gets going in my body. I'm also tearing up at the drop of a hat. I can't even watch a tv show without finding myself on the brink of tears. This is so not me!

I’m heading to Vegas for a quick weekend with TW. He is at a conference there and I get to fly in and join him. We’re having dinner and going to a show tomorrow night which is very exciting. I used to plan meetings in Vegas, so I’ve been there several times, but I’ve never actually attended a show. Every other time I was there I was babysitting 150 attendees. It will be nice to be there on my own. Even better is that TW’s conference will continue on Saturday morning for ½ day, so I can just relax and walk around until he’s done. I’m actually very excited.

Since I’m just on an FET cycle I think it’s ok to have a glass of wine or two while I’m in Vegas too. My doctor doesn’t restrict alcohol completely, but I restricted myself on my fresh cycle. I can’t imagine that it would cause any problem though to drink a little while my little alcohol-free embies are safely tucked away in the freezer.

New Attitude

We had our appointment with the R.E. to go over the results of our immune panels. I tested “positive” for Natural Killer cells. I also tested positive on the Natural Killer Activation test. This is still sort of confusing to me, but suffice it to say that the doctor thinks it’s potentially a real issue and not just a borderline normal test. I also tested positive for anti-thyroid antibodies, but I already knew that I had that problem. The good news is that I tested negative for Embryo Toxicity. It sounds like that would have been a more expensive issue to fix, but it would have provided a more solid explanation for the past years of infertility.

He has suggested intra-lipid? infusions…this is a newer method of treating this problem than the alternative IVIG. The benefit is that it is much less expensive and since most of the time the insurance company will declare the treatment to be experimental, it’s usually not covered. I’m fine with this, I just hope it works.

The thing that I need to start accepting is that some people just have failed IVF’s. There is not necessarily some hidden condition that is lurking around just waiting for an opportunity to destroy my pregnancy dreams. I need to try to go into this next transfer with an open mind and a positive attitude. I don’t honestly think that I’m destroying my own chances with my disbelief that I can achieve a pregnancy, but positivity is known to do great things in cancer patients and serious illnesses, so why shouldn’t I apply that same excitement to my own infertility.

I think I’m in a constant state of protecting myself by putting up my walls so I don’t foolishly begin to believe that I will be successful. IVF is successful 50% of the time in this country. Why can’t I just start seeing the glass half-full. I’ve already been in the failed 50% pile, now I’m going to be in the successful 50% pile. I’m even thinking of buying a few things for the baby. Every time I think about this I start to worry that if it never happens, it would be a waste. I just can’t shake that practicality that invades my mind and causes me to never truly BELIEVE that it’s my turn.

This cycle, I’m going for it. I’m going to believe through and through that I will achieve a pregnancy. I am going to push away all the negative thoughts and concerns about my various failures and become one of the success stories. I’m all in, all my money is on the table, and I’m totally exposed. I can’t lose this time because it will be a crushing defeat, but I’m taking the risk.

Immune Issues, Adoption, Another Friend Joins The BFP Club

This morning I found out that a good friend of mine just got a faint BFP at 10DPO. I’ve been talking to her daily about temping and cervical mucous and everything else relating to fertility signs. She’s been obsessed with making this baby. It was actually to the point where I said the words I swore I would never say. “Maybe this month you should just relax a little, have a little wine and some candlelight and less obsessing”. But guess what! When fertiles obsess…they still get pregnant! I really am happy for her and I’m sort of relieved that the obsessing is over, but it just reminds me once again that this is an easy road for most people. I can’t help but feel a little bewildered about why I was saddled with this condition. I even got really excited with her and started thinking about all the great new things that were going to happen in the next few months and how her life was going to change. Then it hit me (harder than it usually does)…when is my life going to change?

Enough pity partying.

On to more productive things! Like fixing this stupid problem I have. Two out of three of my immune tests came back earlier this week (I’m still waiting on the Embryo Toxicity test), but both of the first 2 were positive. Now, positive is a relative term. I feel the results are very borderline, unless I’m misunderstanding something. My Natural Killer Cells were at 10.4%, anything over 10% being abnormal. I’m just not sure I’m convinced that .4% is causing 5+ years of infertility and a failed IVF. Maybe I’m not educated enough on this though. The second test had one of the tests come back positive, which was probably the anti-thyroid antibodies. This is no big surprise, I already knew I had this and we’ve been treating it. The nurse was so optimistic, telling me that this may be my reason. I can’t seem to get excited about it though.

We have a doctor appointment on Monday to discuss the results and the intravenous infusion treatment. I’m praying the insurance covers it because I’m really not sure I even need it at this point.

I’m seriously thinking about Korean adoption right now. The biggest problem we have is that despite our long relationship and living together for the past 4.5 years, TW and I were not legally married until April of 2010. Most of these adoption agencies require 3-5 years before you can get started (especially when you have a divorce in your past, like I do). I’m wondering if you can get the first items underway before you reach that point knowing that you’ll be waiting a year for a placement. I probably need to speak to an agency, but I feel it’s important to really be ready to move forward with adoption instead of still holding out hope that I’ll conceive our own biological children. I also have to convince TW. He’s just not quite there yet on the adoption thing.

Waiting...

I hate for infertility to define me, because there is so much more to life than the constant pursuit of becoming pregnant, however, I can’t think of a single thing to write about in the absence of infertility treatments, so I must be due to “get a real life”.

I’m about one week into birth control pills for my FET cycle. They had to add 2 weeks of pills because my RE and Embryologist will be at a conference in October. This basically means that I’m not even really on the calendar yet, I’m just taking pills to pass the time for 2 weeks. In the meantime I’m anxiously awaiting test results on my immune panel, which should be back late next week.

So in other news…I have a trip to CA planned for September 30th. My sister-in-law is getting married, so we are flying there and hitting Disneyland while we’re there. My husband really can’t be in Southern CA without going to Disneyland. He loves it there. When they say it’s the happiest place on earth, they are right when it comes to TW. Because he loves it so much, I enjoy going with him immensely.

We also have a fun trip to Vegas coming up in October. TW will be there for a convention, and I will fly out on Thursday night to spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday with him and a few colleagues from his company. I haven’t been to Vegas in 5 years, so I’m very excited about the trip.

Other than that, I’m just enjoying having a cup of coffee in the morning, a glass of wine in the evening, lifting things over 10 lbs, taking baths (I’m not actually a bath-taker, but I enjoy the idea that I COULD take a bath if I so chose) and all the other little perks that come along with not being in the middle of a fertility treatment.

On to FET #1

Well my beta test on Wednesday provided the confirmation of the news I was sure I would get...B.F.N. Luckily, this wasn't a surprise to me, I was prepared, and I have embies in the freezer, so the blow was tough, but not impossible to take.

I will say that my butt became so swollen, hard, lumpy and itchy from the Progesterone that I was a little nervous about what would have happened to it if I'd had to continue injections through that mess. Just a tiny silver lining to an otherwise very dark cloud.

We had our WTF appointment with R.E. on Friday. He noted that for 21 eggs, 16 mature, a fertilization number of 15 was great, however, the fact that they began to slow in growth immediately and we were down to 5 in only one day was concerning. He had 3 thoughts:
1. Poor egg quality due to age or environmental effects (radiation or something??)
2. Natural Killer Cells
3. Embryo Toxicity

I am going in tomorrow morning for testing on the Natural Killer cells and the Embryo Toxicity panel. I need to do a great deal more research on both of these conditions, but let me just say that neither would surprise me. I happen to be a resident in my body, and if I had to put my finger on a potential cause to my infertility, my first thought would be immune disorder. I have always struggled more than the average person with allergies. I have horrible eczema on my hands, my body is constantly attacking itself. I have tested positive for anti-thyroid antibodies (yeah, ok body, my thyroid is an invader, go ahead and attack it). I don't obviously want either of these conditions, but I do want an answer to my struggles. Both of these conditions is treatable (not pleasant, but treatable). Let's just say I'm interested to hear the outcome of these tests.

I'm on birth control pills now and prepping for my FET. The crazy thing is, I already know the transfer will be November 12th. How convenient is that?? My boss will never know anything is going on. I have only 2 appointments prior to the transfer, AND the transfer occurs on a Friday, so if I do want to obey and do all 4 days of bedrest, I only miss Friday and Monday. It's awesome. The R.E. wants to transfer all 3 snow-babies if they all survive the thaw. I'm scared of triplets, but let's face it, I'll be lucky to get one out of this. I'm going for it, and if it's triplets, well, maybe my mom and dad will move close by or something. We'll figure it out. At least we won't have to ever worry about getting pregnant again.

Oh and the good news...Chardonnay is allowed for at least 4 weeks!

10DP3DT (10 Days Past 3 Day Transfer) BFN...

I tested again today with FMU…BFN. This has me disappointed, but I spent yesterday picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting ready to move forward. There are so many things in life that aren’t fair, this is just a hiccup.

My niece will grow up without her father because he decided to take his own life when the going got tough. That’s not fair. A beautiful young life of a friend was ended by a freak cancer cell still hanging arund in his body 10 years after he was last treated. His wife is pregnant with their first child; a child who will never know his father. That is not fair. My cousin lost her otherwise healthy and strong husband at 33 to an aneurism. That is not fair.

The fact that I have a little more difficulty conceiving and carrying a child…yeah, that’s not fair, but guess what, life’s not fair. I think wallowing in self-pity is one of the most unproductive ways I can spend this time. I am lucky that my insurance covers about 70% of this process (at least this time). I am lucky that even if they didn’t, my husband and I could afford to have fertility treatments. I am lucky that I am young, otherwise healthy and have a job that I really enjoy and a wonderful husband. I am lucky my family is happy and relatively healthy (with the exception of my obviously clinically depressed brother-in-law who took his own life in June). I have a great deal to be thankful for.

Maybe those embies weren’t the baby I will love someday, but I will find that baby, even if I have to bring an orphan from another country into my home I will find that baby.

Of course, I still don’t have my beta test, so fingers crossed that my pee just doesn’t make an HPT turn positive. That would be the best outcome yet. If it is negative though, I’m ready for it.

9DP3DT (9 Days Past 3 Day Transfer)

Tested today on First Response Early Result...BFN. I'm still a teensy tiny bit hopeful that it was too early, but in my heart of hearts, I feel this is over. My boobs aren't as sore as they were earlier in the 2WW, and I'm just not convinced that the test would be negative today if this was a successful cycle.

I'm already moving on to my next cycle in my mind. I'm planning out when I'll be out of work, and figuring out when my next retrieval will be. I think if I can get the insurance to cover it again, I'll do another fresh cycle.

BFN's suck, but they suck even worse when you can't drown your sorrows in a chilled Chardonnay, and you still have to have your husband stick a needle in your ass, until the doctor draws your blood and confirms your (bleak) fate.

5dp3dt (5 Days Past 3 Day Transfer)

The days following the transfer were uneventful, very, very uneventful. My RE requires 4 days of bedrest (couch/recliner 95% of the time, but allowed to get up to eat, use the bathroom, shower, etc when necessary). Now, I understand where he’s coming from here, but I was a little confused about why it’s the same for a 3 day transfer and a 5 day transfer. The embryo is at a totally different stage by 4 days past a 5 day transfer than it is 4 days past a 3 day transfer, but whatever, he’s the doctor. I was really good, better than I thought I would be. My mom and dad came in from out of town to help out and really enforced the doctor’s orders. I’m not sure TW would have been as accommodating and I probably would have ventured up and around to make myself something to eat or get a new book, etc.

I got relatively good news on Tuesday, 3 of my embryos made it to blast and were cryopreserved. One was A quality, one was A-/B+ quality and one was B quality. Of course, I would have liked to hear that we had 3 A quality frozen embryos, but after our initial news on Friday, I was thrilled anyone made it to Day 5. She did tell me that for my age group, they like to see 50% make it to blast, but 30% (which includes the 2 inside me) is reasonable. I don't think we can assume the 2 inside me are blasts, but she seems to think they were the best quality of all, so fingers crossed...

I really wish I had made it to a 5 day transfer. I was absolutely convinced that was what I wanted, so much so that I was willing to risk not being able to transfer any embryos if none of them made it. It’s my understanding through Dr. Google that the strong ones will get to blast, meaning if they don't get to blast in the lab, they're not going to get there in your uterus. My feeling is, if you don’t wait to have the strong ones implanted, why suffer through the 2WW? I would have been crushed if we'd had to cancel, but if I'm going to suffer for 2 weeks, then get the BFN, how is that better. The 2 they put in may have made it to blast in the lab, but maybe they wouldn’t have. Maybe we even missed the best ones, and they're now in the freezer. I think if I have to do another fresh cycle and my insurance pays again, I’ll push harder for the 5 day transfer. Another thing I learned…I would much rather have had 2 days off for the retrieval and only 1 day for the transfer from the perspective of how my body felt, but I get why the bedrest is there. I just hope any future retrievals are on a Friday or Saturday.

So here we sit 5dp3dt, with nothing to do to pass the time, but blog, work, and have a great 3 day weekend. I wish I could have wine, but these sober days will be worth it in the end. I have been experiencing some major salt cravings. I know it’s either in my head or it’s related to one of the many medications I’ve been taking, but I can’t get enough salty food. I was super thirsty last night while I was in bed too, so I think I’m probably having too much. Right now I could totally go for some soup or something, even coleslaw sounds good (I make salty coleslaw).

The big question is when to test. Do I test the night before the beta? Before that? I don’t know. Part of me really would want to know if I had a chemical pregnancy, which makes me lean towards testing Saturday, Monday and Tuesday or something, but another part of me thinks it’s crazy to torture myself more than I am already, and I should just lay off until at least the day before the beta’s FMU.

Transfer Day!

The last thing I reported here was that I had 21 eggs retrieved. This was great news! Then the next day, more great news, 15 eggs were fertilized! I felt like it was Christmas in August. I was scheduled for a 5 day transfer (Yay! My favorite nurse is there on Mondays).

Then on Friday, I got the less exciting call. My 15 beautiful eggs were not “responding well to the lab” and they were moving my transfer up to day 3 (which was a Saturday...with Bitchy Nurse) since we only had 2 good quality eggs left. I suppose I was getting a bit greedy with the 15, but honestly, this news crushed me. So, I suffered through the evening even getting kind of emotional letting a few tears trickle down unexpectedly in the middle of a restaurant(the progesterone, not my normal style).

The morning on Saturday was great, I went to starbucks and enjoyed a small decaf coffee with a croissant on the way into the center . When we arrived, we learned that 5 of the slower responding embryos had improved greatly and we now had a total of 7 embryos with 8 cells! I’m happy again, of course, it’s still sad to see so many die off, but we knew my eggs weren’t perfect or I wouldn’t be in the IVF clinic in the first place. We decided to transfer the 2 best quality embryos and try to get as many of the other to blasts as possible so we could freeze them.

The transfer was ok. I was hoping for a little more “drunkenness” from the valium, but it was weak. In fact, I didn’t really feel it at all. I had been drinking water on the way in, so I had to pee pretty bad, which is what they want. I undressed from the waist down and put on the little robe and waited for the big moment. We were taken into the transfer room and the lights were lowered. The embryologist brought in my babies, and we were able to see them both in the microscope. It was amazing. The earliest form of human life with TW and my genetic make up. Crazy!

I got back onto my little bed and my legs were once again strapped into the stirrups. They began the sonogram to make sure my bladder was full (I could have told them that, but go ahead and push that thing down on there hard). I was really not relaxed at all. I expected to be practically slobbering from the valium and that just wasn’t the case. I found the speculum to be more uncomfortable than usual and the catheter leading into my uterus to also be uncomfortable. Neither was a big deal, but just unexpected. Once everything was in place the embryologist handed my day 3 babies to the doctor in a syringe with a bubble of air preceding them and another bubble behind them to indicate their position.

At this point the bitch nurse really started pushing on my bladder. I was really in some actual pain from this bladder issue. I still hadn’t totally recovered from the urinary catheter on retrieval day, so that may have exacerbated the situation. I was clinging to TW’s hand for some comfort and not really looking at the screen, but he was able to see the whole thing and was amazed by the process. We tucked those little embies into their uterus bed and then they wheeled me out of the room. The bitch nurse left me for maybe 10 minutes where I was nearly trembling from the need to relieve myself. Once she returned, she sent me into the porn restroom, which I found to be hilarious, but also slightly revolting. The videos in there were laughable; I seriously wish I could remember some of the ridiculous names. Note to on site sperm producing men...bring your own porn. I walked back to my little room and stayed for another 45 minutes or so. I was finally feeling a little tired from the valium, so the time went by quickly. Then they released us.

Retrieval Day!

Retrieval Day was very exciting. We had to be at the R.E.’s office at 6:45am, so we woke up early to get ready and get the sperm safely in their little cup. Once we got there, I had to get weighed, blood pressure taken, etc, then was escorted back to a little room with a couple of comfy chairs, a tv and a bed. There I got to change into my gown and socks, then we sat and waited until the anesthesiologist arrived. It was freezing in that room and I was a little (or a lot) nervous, so became a little bitchy.

Once the anesthesiologist arrived, we went over the details of what he would be doing, and I was taken into the surgical suite. They put my arms and legs in their proper spaces and belted me all in. It sounds scary, and I am very claustrophobic, but it really wasn’t. I wasn’t strapped in too tight, it made me feel safe like a seat belt, not constricted. The anesthesiologist numbed my hand, then inserted my IV. No big deal, just a little burning with the lidocaine and then that weird feeling of cold liquid entering your bloodstream. Then he started talking to me about wine and whether I was a white or a red wine girl…which is the last thing I remember.

I woke up to the awesome news that 21 eggs were retrieved. TW was so sweet and nice to me. I was totally still drunk from all the meds, but came out of it pretty quickly. I did have pain that was worse than I had imagined but they gave me a Tylenol with codeine and it definitely helped. I stayed in that room eating crackers and drinking orange juice for probably 1-1/2 to 2 hours. At some point my nurse came in and removed my catheter. This part sucked. I’ve never had a catheter and I hated it. It wasn’t that painful having it removed, but it burned. Then she had me try to pee. I was able to get some out, but it burned really badly. After that, they let me go home.

I was prescribed two different medicines to keep me from having too much fluid build up. I went home and really tried to keep drinking as much as I could, but it burned so bad to pee and I seemed to have to go every 30 minutes or so. It was very annoying. I also had a great deal of ovary pain, so I had to just take it easy all day. By last night I was feeling a little better, but very bloated, and I was wishing that I could stay home another day. I was able to get to sleep very easily (residual effect from the anesthesia I’m sure), but I was up every 2 hours having to pee, so I think one of those pills is like a water pill.

The PIO shot went pretty well last night too. It was a small dose ¼ of a cc, so I’m sure that makes it a little easier. As soon as TW finished the shot I started to rub it and applied a hot compress on it for a maybe 30 minutes. I even used a back massager on the area for a while. This morning, I couldn’t feel it at all, but this afternoon, I am starting to notice some soreness. I’m nervous the larger dose will cause more discomfort, but hopefully it will result in a beautiful baby, and then I won’t care. The shots are nasty and I hate them, but they don’t hurt really. They just feel gross.

Today I woke up feeling ok, still sore, but mostly ok. I was moving a lot slower than normal, but I was able to get ready in time. I’m still having trouble with the pee situation. I almost had to have TW stop on the way in to work to let me go, and I had just gone right before I left. I’m really hoping this part resolves itself quickly. All in all, I can’t really complain. It was an experience that I survived, I wouldn’t be too upset if I had to repeat it and the outcome was very good.

Day 11 of Stims and Trigger!

Last time I posted an update it was day 6 of stims. Things have changed so much since then. To bring it all up to date: Day 8 of stims things were moving along and my E2 was 826. Then on Day 10 of stims, I was almost ready, but not quite, and my E2 was 1980. I don’t even know what E2 was on Day 11 of stims yet. My dosages didn’t change at all after that first adjustment, so I’ve been doing 225 of Follistim AM and PM and 2.5 units of Lupron at night. Last follicle count there were about 18, but who knows what they will actually retrieve. I’m forcing myself not to get hung up on it until they actually come out.

So yesterday was Day 11, I took my Follistim in the morning, then headed to the Dr. My U/S looked good, and the doctor decided we were ready to trigger. Then he nearly gave me a heart attack because he yelled out to the nurse for me to go home and inject 5 units of Lupron so I don’t prematurely surge. This has been my biggest fear all along in this process, so it didn’t make me feel very good, but I was never more willing to jab that Lupron in.

One of the strangest things for me has been that the first several days of stims, up until day 6, I was noticing pinching in my ovaries, and I was actually very uncomfortable by Friday. Then, all of a sudden, starting on Saturday I felt pretty good. That is why I began to fear that I surged early and lost all my eggs. It’s just so strange that my ovaries are so enlarged with all these eggs and I’m more comfortable than I am on a normal cycle.

So after yesterday’s VERY uncomfortable ultrasound, I was given instructions to trigger at 9pm and be at the clinic at 7:30am on Wednesday. I was scared to death of this trigger shot, but thanks to all the online infertiles, I knew to ask my nurse if I could use 25 gauge needles instead of 22 gauge for both my HCG and my PIO. I also asked if I could use 1 inch instead of 1-1/2 inch. I don’t have a lot of “junk in my trunk”, so she agreed on both counts. The difference between the two needles is significant, at least in perception, so I’m very happy about that.

Last night, at promptly 9pm, my wonderful husband gave a perfect intramuscular injection then lovingly rubbed the area to disperse the medication. It was such a relief that it didn’t really hurt, and he was so sweet. I’m not necessarily looking forward to these nightly sessions, but I’m glad they don’t have to be torture.

Tomorrow is my egg retrieval. I’m so scared and so excited all at the same time.

Day 6 of Stims

Yesterday’s appointment went so much better than Monday’s. My arm is starting to get really sore, so I think we’re going to have to switch to my left arm for tomorrow’s blood draw. My vein in the left arm is a little less accessible, but I think that would be worth it to save me the trouble on my right.

Of course, I’m obsessing as I think every IVF patient does. My estrogen was much better, up to 203 yesterday. This was more than double Monday’s number, so I feel really good about it. I would like it to be a little higher, but I certainly don’t want OHSS, so as long as things are growing and developing, I’m ok with a teensy bit lower E2 level. Because my stats were pretty good yesterday, my dosages stayed the same, which is exactly what I wanted to have happen. I think I’m hoping for an E2 level of about 550 tomorrow, but I have no idea if that’s good or bad for this stage of the game and the nurses seem to guard that information like it’s a national security item.

So on Day 6 of stims I had 13 eggs growing. After obsessively searching the internet I’ve learned exactly nothing that would help me to determine what that might mean for me from a fertilization perspective. Maybe they’ll retrieve them all, maybe there will be more before retrieval, maybe they won’t retrieve them all. Maybe they’ll all be mature, maybe only ½ will be mature. Maybe all the mature ones will fertilize, maybe none of them will, and who will EVER know what the quality of any of them will be. In conclusion, I could have 20 embryos or zero embryos on transfer day. Talk about not having control of something!

Last night my belly was sticking out like I was already pregnant. I have to admit I kind of enjoyed this look, but since I’m not pregnant, and barely halfway through my stims, it concerned me slightly. I’m not sure how I’m going to hide a massive (non-pregnant) belly, so hopefully it doesn’t get too big and doesn’t last too long.

I had to order 3 more vials of Follistim yesterday as well. I probably could have squeaked by on 2, since I have an extra 300 in the fridge, but I don’t mind having an extra vial in the event this doesn’t work and we’re on our own next cycle. I think I’ll attempt to order as many meds as possible before we lose our insurance so we can take the most advantage of this coverage. Once again I need to remind myself how very blessed we are that we have coverage, even though it is going away.

Day 6 Stims Stats
Estrogen – 203 (up from >90 on Monday)
Follicles – We saw 7 on my right ovary, and 6 on my left ovary (thankfully, lefty finally showed her face)
New Lupron Dose – 2.5 units – Same as before
New Follistin Dose – 225 AM and 225 PM – Same as before

E2 and Insurance

I received my bloodwork results from yesterday and experienced déjà vu. Last time I used injectibles it was for an IUI cycle, so of course things are a little different, but once again, my estrogen is being suppressed by the Lupron.

This was my first monitoring appointment and the doctor is lowering the Lupron dose now and upping the Follistim, so I suppose he is on top of things, but I could have told him this would happen. In fact, I did tell him at my trial transfer. He said with the higher dose of Follistim there shouldn’t be a problem.

It irritates me a little that we are playing around with some of the same issues we had last time. Kind of like…we should have learned about this in practice, but now we’re at the Superbowl, or at least at a playoff game and we’re dealing with it again.

Day 4 Stims Stats
Estrogen – 90 (up from >20 on Friday)
Follicles – We saw 6 on my right ovary, but my left ovary was behind my uterus and totally invisible!
New Lupron Dose – 2.5 units (down from 5 units)
New Follistin Dose – 225 AM and 225 PM (up from 150 PM, AM stayed the same)

I learned today that my company is changing insurance providers. I knew from the beginning that my IVF coverage was a gift that I shouldn’t take for granted, alas, I began to take it for granted. I don’t know much yet about the new plan, and of course, there is a chance it will cover infertility, but I’m not holding my breath.

As much as I would like for this not to cause undue stress, it is. I feel like I am now putting all my eggs (no pun intended) in this one paid IVF basket. I also kind of feel betrayed by the company. Aren’t benefits part of the compensation package? How is it that they can just switch them with only 45 days notice. I know I should not be complaining. One paid cycle is more than most people get.

Of course, if they don’t cover infertility, AND if this cycle is a bust, then I can at least order all my meds for another cycle under this insurance before the switch. That will still save me thousands of dollars.

I need to find a nice, relaxing happy place for my mind to spend the next few weeks. The good news is, no more headaches and my moods seemed to have stabilized.

The Stimming Has Begun

Well my stims have started. I was a little surprised on Friday when they told me there would be an AM shot and a PM shot, plus a Menopur injection for a jump start and my lupron for a grand total of 4 shots a day. I guess it’s not a big deal, although it hit me as being kind of overwhelming at the time. Friday was a bad day for me anyway. I am having lots of trouble sleeping, and the whole week I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep, so I was suffering from that, and the Lupron headaches were just brutal last week. I was having a difficult time holding it together at work which is so not me. I’m very stoic at the office and I am not a big cryer normally, but Friday was a challenge for me. Fortunately I’m feeling much better.

Today was day 4 of stims. My follistim dose has been 225 in the AM, then 75 + Menopur in the PM. Last night I didn’t have a Menopur injection, so my evening dose of the Follistim increased to 150. I’m waiting to hear from the nurse now on what tonight’s dose will look like. I’m hoping that they leave everything the same. That would give me some confidence that things are going according to plan.

My ultrasound this morning was both exciting and frustrating. There were 6 visible measurable follicles on my right ovary. According to the nurse, they were all about the same size too, so this is good news. The frustrating part is that my left ovary is hiding behind my uterus and for the second time, they can’t even catch a glimpse of it on the ultrasound. I’m disappointed by this and hope it shows itself soon, because I’m not sure what they do if they have no visibility to all these follicles we’re trying to grow.

I’m anxiously awaiting my E2 bloodwork and I’m hopeful that I remember to ask the nurse what it was on Friday, so I can compare. This is my favorite part of the cycle. It is so much fun for us obsessive types because between the ultrasounds and the bloodwork, there is so much we can work with.

I don’t even know yet what is a good number of follicles and what a good E2 level looks like, but I’m just so excited about all of it.

A Tragedy

I’m having a very blah day today. I found out a couple of days ago that a guy I dated in high school died of cancer. I had heard that he was sick 12 years ago, but he beat it and he had been given a clean bill of health. Then 4 months ago they found out his cancer had returned and now in a blink of an eye he’s gone. He leaves behind his wife of 2 years and their unborn son (this rips my heart) along with tons of other family and friends. He was a pediatric endocrinologist and just an all around great guy. My relationship with him was really insignificant, it was short, very young, summer, high school innocence. It was defined by lots of movies, miniature golf and hanging out with friends. Beyond the summer romance, though, I grew up with him and his sister. His father was the principal of my grade school and his family was just a big part of my childhood. I just cannot stop wondering why these things happen to people who have so much to offer and live such wonderful lives. His obituary was in the paper today, so it made it that much more real. It is a true tragedy.

In addition to this news, I have given up caffeine for good today, so I’m kind of just meandering through my day. I have a bit of a headache, it could be from the lack of caffeine, the addition of the Lupron or just from my heavy heart from the news that I’m still digesting.

On a much lighter note, I did discover last night that ice truly does numb the skin nicely for an injection. Again, I have to reiterate that these Lupron shots are not so painful that I need to numb the skin. I’m actually doing a bit of experimentation to find out the least painful way to administer an injection so when it’s time for the big butt shots, we can utilize these methods and hopefully reduce the stress and pain there.

Still hating needles

Last night I tried something new to try to reduce the pain on the Lupron shots and it seemed to work some. To be clear, these shots don’t really HURT, they just pinch a little and last time I literally couldn’t feel the needle, so I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing differently or maybe I’m just more sensitive this time around. My concern is not these little shots at all, it’s the big ones that are only a few weeks away that I’m trying to gear up for. Anyway, I tried flicking the skin until it turned a bit red, then I used the alcohol swab (in that order), then I did the injection. I honestly felt it less. I think tonight I’m going to try ice. To me, putting ice on an area prior to injecting yourself there seems like it would feel worse, like maybe you’d be able to feel the needle more. I’d rather figure that out now with the little needles than find out with the big one in my butt.

This morning we dropped off TW’s “back up” semen. This will be analyzed, washed etc, then put in the freezer for our big day. It’s just in case he has performance anxiety or he has an emergency and can’t be there or something. It makes me feel so relieved to have that back up there.

By the way, going off the wine has been great. I am very happy having a small scoop of ice cream instead.

I Hate Needles

I have now given myself 3 injections of Lupron. The first one went in perfectly, didn’t even feel it and it was all beautiful. The other two have hurt a little. Last time around the Lupron didn’t hurt at all, it was seriously no big deal. I think I need to give it a harder jab into my stomach. The nurse said the Lupron needles are actually not as sharp as some of the other needles, so maybe that’s why I’m feeling it. Another very strange thing happened though. This weekend at acupuncture, the needles were so uncomfortable going in that I’ve vowed not to go back. I mean, if it’s going to give me stress to go, I’m sure it’s negating some of the benefits. The weird thing is that all of a sudden I’m ultra-sensitive to needles.

Now I’ve always been scared to death of needles, but in the past I could always say that I didn’t even feel it going in. Now all of a sudden I’m sensitive. This is not good timing to get sensitive. I’m hoping for better luck tonight.

Tonight is the night I give up the wine too. I’ve been drinking about a glass of wine per night pretty regularly for the last several months. Although I’m unsure of the impact, I’m not taking any chances. Instead of wine, I think I’m going to treat myself to curling up in bed early with some mint-chocolate chip ice cream and a movie or something like that.

Trial Transfer

Yesterday, I endured my trial transfer. To be clear, I hate any kind of procedure. I absolutely dread having my teeth cleaned, bloodwork is a constant battle for me, even pap smears get me all wound up. This procedure was no different. I worked myself up into quite an anxious bundle of nerves before the speculum even went in. In the end though, it really was no big deal. There was a little bit of cramping when the tiny catheter touched the back of my uterus, but certainly nothing to get nervous about. In fact, I’m sure it pales in comparison to some of the things I’m preparing to put my body through over the next year.

My Lupron injections begin tomorrow. As much as I’m nervous about this whole cycle and the time away from the office, I’m also excited to experience this. While of course I wish that I could be like all my friends and just get pregnant the month I go off the pill. It might even be fun to sit around trying to decide when the most convenient due date might be so I could time everything to my own preferences. Oh, and since I would be so ultra-fertile, I could maybe even adjust my timing to better my chances for boy or a girl. Alas, none of these is an option for me. On the other hand, though, the miracle of God and science coming together through the hands of these brilliant doctors and embryologists is something I’m excited to experience. I think in some ways I am the lucky one.

My positivity may change slightly if I find that I’m unsuccessful after multiple IVF’s though. Let’s hope we don’t have to worry about that.

Back to work after a very nice weekend. I’ve been going to a new acupuncturist. I had my second appointment with him on Saturday. Previously, I had an acupuncturist who I liked very much, but she wasn’t contracted with insurance and she doesn’t have hours outside of business hours. I’m going to miss enough work as it is with this IVF cycle, I need the acupuncture to be outside business hours. Anyway, my session was very relaxing (as usual). I wish I felt 100% sure that there was a positive impact from this. I am so practical that there is just some doubt there. I feel pretty confident, and of course, it can’t hurt. I read something just recently that acupuncture on the day of egg transfer increases the chances of implantation by like 20%. If that’s true then I would be a fool not to keep doing this.

For the rest of the weekend I spent time cleaning the house, working on the pool area with TW and we watched a movie. I also got my first issue of “Fit Pregnancy” (I’m trying to stay positive about the outcome of this cycle). I realize this probably makes me sound like a dork, but I devoured this magazine. I couldn’t put it down. I’m hopeful that between this and “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”, I can keep the positivity flowing.

My trial transfer is Wednesday and Lupron starts Friday…

I have a pretty robust understanding of the reproductive system, from menstrual cycles, to reproductive illnesses and challenges, as well as diagnostic testing and treatments that may be used. Some of this is through my own experience and some comes from the research I do to quell my insatiable appetite for more information about my illness and what I might do to overcome it. Yet, surprisingly, I really didn’t give much thought to antral follicle counts. In fact, I have no idea if a doctor has ever done a count on me, nor do I know what the outcome was if in fact it was done. This is shocking to me. It is being touted as a very good indicator of ovarian reserve, which is probably my biggest fear about my infertility since I have a borderline high FSH level and didn’t respond as well as I would have liked to my last injectible + IUI cycle. I am hopeful that since I am at the beginning of my IVF cycle, the very next time it is appropriate, the doctor will check this and give me the information so I can obsess over it.

See the below chart, I love charts like this where it is clear by looking at a number, what the effect of the information is.




It’s highly possible that I’m the last person in the infertility community to know about this, (as was the case when I found out that an avocado doesn’t go brown as quickly if you leave the pit in it, I loved this tip, but I was the only one on the planet who wasn’t already aware of it.) Just in case any of you were also left in the dark, now you know.

Waiting

Day 5 of IVF cycle. I don’t think the time could possibly pass any more slowly. I’m starting to obsess about how I will keep this cycle a secret from my co-workers. I do NOT want them to know what I’m doing since I’ve only been employed with them for 7 weeks. If I had time on my side, I would have waited a few more months, but the fact is, I’m 35. Unfortunately for women, 35 is the beginning of the end, if not the middle of the end. I need to get on with this while I still have a good chance of being successful. I also want to use this insurance now, just in case they decide to downsize the plan and eliminate infertility coverage.

IVF #1, Ready...Set...Go!

IVF #1, here we come. I am currently on Day 4 of my IVF cycle which means that nothing exciting has happened yet. I’m popping Birth Control Pills and Doxycycline for the next several days. I’m pretty nervous about this cycle. Mostly the butt-shots. I don’t know why I can’t get past those because everyone says they’re nowhere near as bad as they look, but I’m scared. Maybe it’s the thought of TW giving them to me versus an experienced medical professional.

I went back to acupuncture this past weekend as well. I hadn’t been there since I found out I was being laid-off in February. I’m going to a new doctor because it appears my insurance may actually cover both infertility and acupuncture! This is fantastic because at my previous employer, nothing was covered, I mean they paid the bare minimum if that. I worked for a large $(5 Billion dollar) company too, so it’s not like it was a little mom and pop shop. Anyway, thank you God! I feel so incredibly blessed to have this assistance with my expenses.

Other things in the news...TW and I finally tied the knot back in April, so we’re official. No more dirty looks at the Fertility clinic or church or anywhere else where people feel it’s important not to live together. (Yes, maybe some was imagined, but I love that I no longer have to worry).

I'm Back

Stay tuned for my updated posts. I'm back to blog for real this time.