Tough Day

For some reason, today has been difficult for me. I think I have just the wrong combination of lupron and estrogen that is clashing and causing me some hormonal spurts, but more significantly TW and I had a conversation about adoption/fostering which left me feeling a bit empty.

I have been adament about keeping my chin up throughout this process, but the only way I can do that is if I have a "Plan B" out there to fall back on if my next treatment fails. I have been thinking adoption is my next "Plan B", however, when discussing this with TW today, he wasn't sold. He asked if we could first exhaust all the options that he is comfortable with before moving on to the options he is less comfortable with. I always knew where he stood on adoption and particularly on fostering (not totally against it, but not totally comfortable with it), but I guess I just felt like he was coming around.

In some ways, I'm wondering if this revelation is a good thing. It almost makes me look at this FET and potentially future IVF's in a more positive light. It simply has to work. Unfortunately, I read enough infertilty blogs to know that it does not HAVE to work. It certainly could, but there are so many couples who are left empty-armed after multiple IVF/FET, Donor Egg, Donor Sperm, etc etc. I'm just so devastated that I'm being faced with a possibility of being childless.

Now, TW is very likely to be more interested in adoption if and when that becomes our only option. He's just nervous about being able to unconditionally love a child who isn't his flesh and blood. I know he would love that child, but he is concerned, so I need to be sensitive to that.

I just need to know I'll be a mother someday to someone. Why does it have to be so hard?

Weight Gain??

So all of a sudden I’ve noticed that I’m gaining a couple of pounds. This is very uncommon for me (I’m one of those girls who doesn’t pay any attention to my weight and I can stay in my size 2’s and 4’s without incident). I haven’t changed anything about the way I’m eating or living. In the month of October, I have gained 2.5 pounds. I know this may sound ridiculous, but after watching my sister gain too much weight with her baby and then have to take it off gradually, one pound per week, I’m not interested in letting mine creep up at all.

Maybe I’ve reached the point in my life where I will have to be more aware of what I’m eating. I do eat healthy and try to maintain an active and healthy lifestyle, but I haven’t been exercising strenuously since June due to my job and commute. I need to find a way to fit it in, but I just haven’t yet. I have heard people say that they gain weight with fertility treatments, but when I gained the first of the 2.5 pounds I was actually only taking birth control pills. Oh well! I’m going to start paying attention and make sure that I don’t gain any more.

My cycle is continuing to move forward slowly. I am on one estrogen patch + 10 units of lupron right now and I have my two ultrasounds next week to determine the condition of my lining. I sort of feel like my ovaries are working on building an egg or two, but I suppose with the lupron suppression, even if there was an egg, it wouldn’t be released.

November 12th is transfer day!

Lupron Headaches

...are the worst! I’ve been taking Lupron for the last 10 or so days, but once you stop taking the birth control pills, the Lupron really seems to kick in. My head hurts every day and Tylenol just doesn’t seem to cut it.

Things have been pretty boring in this cycle so far. I’m just taking pills and doing Lupron shots. I don’t start estrogen patches until Sunday, so I think I’m going to be dealing with headaches until the estrogen gets going in my body. I'm also tearing up at the drop of a hat. I can't even watch a tv show without finding myself on the brink of tears. This is so not me!

I’m heading to Vegas for a quick weekend with TW. He is at a conference there and I get to fly in and join him. We’re having dinner and going to a show tomorrow night which is very exciting. I used to plan meetings in Vegas, so I’ve been there several times, but I’ve never actually attended a show. Every other time I was there I was babysitting 150 attendees. It will be nice to be there on my own. Even better is that TW’s conference will continue on Saturday morning for ½ day, so I can just relax and walk around until he’s done. I’m actually very excited.

Since I’m just on an FET cycle I think it’s ok to have a glass of wine or two while I’m in Vegas too. My doctor doesn’t restrict alcohol completely, but I restricted myself on my fresh cycle. I can’t imagine that it would cause any problem though to drink a little while my little alcohol-free embies are safely tucked away in the freezer.

New Attitude

We had our appointment with the R.E. to go over the results of our immune panels. I tested “positive” for Natural Killer cells. I also tested positive on the Natural Killer Activation test. This is still sort of confusing to me, but suffice it to say that the doctor thinks it’s potentially a real issue and not just a borderline normal test. I also tested positive for anti-thyroid antibodies, but I already knew that I had that problem. The good news is that I tested negative for Embryo Toxicity. It sounds like that would have been a more expensive issue to fix, but it would have provided a more solid explanation for the past years of infertility.

He has suggested intra-lipid? infusions…this is a newer method of treating this problem than the alternative IVIG. The benefit is that it is much less expensive and since most of the time the insurance company will declare the treatment to be experimental, it’s usually not covered. I’m fine with this, I just hope it works.

The thing that I need to start accepting is that some people just have failed IVF’s. There is not necessarily some hidden condition that is lurking around just waiting for an opportunity to destroy my pregnancy dreams. I need to try to go into this next transfer with an open mind and a positive attitude. I don’t honestly think that I’m destroying my own chances with my disbelief that I can achieve a pregnancy, but positivity is known to do great things in cancer patients and serious illnesses, so why shouldn’t I apply that same excitement to my own infertility.

I think I’m in a constant state of protecting myself by putting up my walls so I don’t foolishly begin to believe that I will be successful. IVF is successful 50% of the time in this country. Why can’t I just start seeing the glass half-full. I’ve already been in the failed 50% pile, now I’m going to be in the successful 50% pile. I’m even thinking of buying a few things for the baby. Every time I think about this I start to worry that if it never happens, it would be a waste. I just can’t shake that practicality that invades my mind and causes me to never truly BELIEVE that it’s my turn.

This cycle, I’m going for it. I’m going to believe through and through that I will achieve a pregnancy. I am going to push away all the negative thoughts and concerns about my various failures and become one of the success stories. I’m all in, all my money is on the table, and I’m totally exposed. I can’t lose this time because it will be a crushing defeat, but I’m taking the risk.

Immune Issues, Adoption, Another Friend Joins The BFP Club

This morning I found out that a good friend of mine just got a faint BFP at 10DPO. I’ve been talking to her daily about temping and cervical mucous and everything else relating to fertility signs. She’s been obsessed with making this baby. It was actually to the point where I said the words I swore I would never say. “Maybe this month you should just relax a little, have a little wine and some candlelight and less obsessing”. But guess what! When fertiles obsess…they still get pregnant! I really am happy for her and I’m sort of relieved that the obsessing is over, but it just reminds me once again that this is an easy road for most people. I can’t help but feel a little bewildered about why I was saddled with this condition. I even got really excited with her and started thinking about all the great new things that were going to happen in the next few months and how her life was going to change. Then it hit me (harder than it usually does)…when is my life going to change?

Enough pity partying.

On to more productive things! Like fixing this stupid problem I have. Two out of three of my immune tests came back earlier this week (I’m still waiting on the Embryo Toxicity test), but both of the first 2 were positive. Now, positive is a relative term. I feel the results are very borderline, unless I’m misunderstanding something. My Natural Killer Cells were at 10.4%, anything over 10% being abnormal. I’m just not sure I’m convinced that .4% is causing 5+ years of infertility and a failed IVF. Maybe I’m not educated enough on this though. The second test had one of the tests come back positive, which was probably the anti-thyroid antibodies. This is no big surprise, I already knew I had this and we’ve been treating it. The nurse was so optimistic, telling me that this may be my reason. I can’t seem to get excited about it though.

We have a doctor appointment on Monday to discuss the results and the intravenous infusion treatment. I’m praying the insurance covers it because I’m really not sure I even need it at this point.

I’m seriously thinking about Korean adoption right now. The biggest problem we have is that despite our long relationship and living together for the past 4.5 years, TW and I were not legally married until April of 2010. Most of these adoption agencies require 3-5 years before you can get started (especially when you have a divorce in your past, like I do). I’m wondering if you can get the first items underway before you reach that point knowing that you’ll be waiting a year for a placement. I probably need to speak to an agency, but I feel it’s important to really be ready to move forward with adoption instead of still holding out hope that I’ll conceive our own biological children. I also have to convince TW. He’s just not quite there yet on the adoption thing.

Waiting...

I hate for infertility to define me, because there is so much more to life than the constant pursuit of becoming pregnant, however, I can’t think of a single thing to write about in the absence of infertility treatments, so I must be due to “get a real life”.

I’m about one week into birth control pills for my FET cycle. They had to add 2 weeks of pills because my RE and Embryologist will be at a conference in October. This basically means that I’m not even really on the calendar yet, I’m just taking pills to pass the time for 2 weeks. In the meantime I’m anxiously awaiting test results on my immune panel, which should be back late next week.

So in other news…I have a trip to CA planned for September 30th. My sister-in-law is getting married, so we are flying there and hitting Disneyland while we’re there. My husband really can’t be in Southern CA without going to Disneyland. He loves it there. When they say it’s the happiest place on earth, they are right when it comes to TW. Because he loves it so much, I enjoy going with him immensely.

We also have a fun trip to Vegas coming up in October. TW will be there for a convention, and I will fly out on Thursday night to spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday with him and a few colleagues from his company. I haven’t been to Vegas in 5 years, so I’m very excited about the trip.

Other than that, I’m just enjoying having a cup of coffee in the morning, a glass of wine in the evening, lifting things over 10 lbs, taking baths (I’m not actually a bath-taker, but I enjoy the idea that I COULD take a bath if I so chose) and all the other little perks that come along with not being in the middle of a fertility treatment.

On to FET #1

Well my beta test on Wednesday provided the confirmation of the news I was sure I would get...B.F.N. Luckily, this wasn't a surprise to me, I was prepared, and I have embies in the freezer, so the blow was tough, but not impossible to take.

I will say that my butt became so swollen, hard, lumpy and itchy from the Progesterone that I was a little nervous about what would have happened to it if I'd had to continue injections through that mess. Just a tiny silver lining to an otherwise very dark cloud.

We had our WTF appointment with R.E. on Friday. He noted that for 21 eggs, 16 mature, a fertilization number of 15 was great, however, the fact that they began to slow in growth immediately and we were down to 5 in only one day was concerning. He had 3 thoughts:
1. Poor egg quality due to age or environmental effects (radiation or something??)
2. Natural Killer Cells
3. Embryo Toxicity

I am going in tomorrow morning for testing on the Natural Killer cells and the Embryo Toxicity panel. I need to do a great deal more research on both of these conditions, but let me just say that neither would surprise me. I happen to be a resident in my body, and if I had to put my finger on a potential cause to my infertility, my first thought would be immune disorder. I have always struggled more than the average person with allergies. I have horrible eczema on my hands, my body is constantly attacking itself. I have tested positive for anti-thyroid antibodies (yeah, ok body, my thyroid is an invader, go ahead and attack it). I don't obviously want either of these conditions, but I do want an answer to my struggles. Both of these conditions is treatable (not pleasant, but treatable). Let's just say I'm interested to hear the outcome of these tests.

I'm on birth control pills now and prepping for my FET. The crazy thing is, I already know the transfer will be November 12th. How convenient is that?? My boss will never know anything is going on. I have only 2 appointments prior to the transfer, AND the transfer occurs on a Friday, so if I do want to obey and do all 4 days of bedrest, I only miss Friday and Monday. It's awesome. The R.E. wants to transfer all 3 snow-babies if they all survive the thaw. I'm scared of triplets, but let's face it, I'll be lucky to get one out of this. I'm going for it, and if it's triplets, well, maybe my mom and dad will move close by or something. We'll figure it out. At least we won't have to ever worry about getting pregnant again.

Oh and the good news...Chardonnay is allowed for at least 4 weeks!