I’m sorry, what did you say??

I’m going to begin a list of things fertile people should never say to someone with a history of infertility. Obviously there are the ones that everyone has seen (and there’s even a list on the Resolve website):

1. You need to relax
2. Maybe it’s not meant to be
3. Enjoy your freedom, at least you can sleep late on weekends (and variations of this)
4. You should just adopt (I think adoption is a beautiful thing, don’t get me wrong…I would adopt before trying another IVF, but it’s a personal decision that shouldn’t be suggested flippantly by others who don’t understand the difficulty)
5. Any sort of complaining about their own pregnancy (again…I totally get that pregnancy is hard, I’ve been there, so go bitch about it to your pregnant friends or friends who have had babies before, not infertile friends).

There are tons more and I will continue to add to this list as I come across them. I did want to highlight two things that I have heard recently from a fertile friend that left me stunned, flabbergasted, without words…

1. After 2 months of trying (and failing) a friend who was successfully pregnant after only 1 month with her first baby, actually told me that she thought God was testing her. (Look, I’m not the most infertile person on the planet or anything, but I tried to get pregnant for 54 cycles, then took a break and did another 26-27 cycles before getting pregnant on my FET cycle, so if God is testing you…you might have a long road ahead)
2. Same friend …who is now seeing a fertility specialist after only 3 months of trying (in her defense she lost an ovary after her last baby, and is 36, so she wants to make sure she’s not missing anything) says to me “I’ll be disappointed if I find out that I am ovulating, because if I’m not, I wouldn’t mind just popping a clomid and bam, I’m preggo next month”

Really??? I’m sure some people will tell me that I need to evaluate this friendship, but I can honestly say that these comments are not as insensitive as they sound. The person saying them is clearly self-absorbed, but also doesn’t feel that she is being offensive, because she just doesn’t get it. I talk to her frequently, our babies are close in age, so we often compare notes. I think she views me as “cured” or just doesn’t think about it at all because she doesn’t understand it. Either way, I’m adding these two comments to the list of things NOT to say to an infertile person (even an infertile person who has a successful pregnancy in her past).